Trying to resist temptation...

[stoopid_guy]

First off; I've been married 16 years and have a 14 YO daughter. My wife and I have been platonic friends now for many years. To make a long story short, she burnt out on making love trying to have a second child, and I burnt out trying to convince her otherwise.

 

Anyway, I've been attracted to other women over the last several years, but haven't tried anything. Then, a few months ago a new lady joined my office. We hit it off (as friends) immediately. We laugh at each others jokes, share secrets, and are just very comfortable together. We've been out to lunch together a few times but are not physical at all. Thing is, over the last few weeks now I've been thinking how sweet it would be to hold her in my arms, and we've started flirting. About her: She's a divorced mother of a 3 YO boy, and has a good relationship with her ex.

 

If I "make a move," maybe 1) she'll say she isn't interested in that, or 2) we'll fall passionately in love and break my wife and daughter's hearts, or 3) we'll go out a few times and figure out we're not really interested in each other, or 4) it'll make her so uncomfortable that I won't even have her as a friend, or any number of other things could happen, most of them bad.

 

One minute, I think of how selfish I'm being to even think about trying, the next I'm thinking I should take the chance on happiness.

 

I'm confused, frustrated, and loosing sleep over this.

 

Thoughts?

[Nicholas]

Do you have an open marriage?

 

If you don't, then this is not something you should pursue.

[john2776]

If I "make a move," maybe 1) she'll say she isn't interested in that, or 2) we'll fall passionately in love and break my wife and daughter's hearts, or 3) we'll go out a few times and figure out we're not really interested in each other, or 4) it'll make her so uncomfortable that I won't even have her as a friend, or any number of other things could happen, most of them bad.

The first I notice is that all of your options here are primarily focused on your work friend. You are married and presumably you made a committment to your wife through good times and bad etc. I suggest you try and sort your marriage out. I'll assume that you have to some degree, but have got nowhere, so the next step is to tell her about the current situation. It will be a huge wakeup call for her. She can react one of two ways a) Be so shocked to discover that the marriage is on the rocks and tripples her efforts to return to a normal healthy sex life, or b) Is so pleased to hear that you are thinking of leaving her, tell you that you are a pig, accuse you of already sleeping with her, and leave you.

 

If a) happens you get your marriage back, you are happy, your wife is happy and you forget the work friend

If b) happens it is your wife who has given up on the marriage, you have done nothing wrong, you will get a divorce through no fault of your own, and then you will be free to pursue whoever you want including the work friend.

 

In response to your points 1-4

1) If its got to this point she will go for you. Don't delude yourself into thinking she is not interested. This is a dangerous game.

2) yes you would break your wife and daughters heart. Don't do it. It will also destroy you with all the guilt you will feel.

3) why risk it.

4) loosing her as a friend is not an issue. Start thinking about your wife like this!!!

 

Finally good luck - you have got yourself into a tough position, and no matter which way you go its going to be tough.

[Pink Amulet]

You don't ever have sex with your wife?

[Computer]

Hi,

 

Pink Amulet: You don't ever have sex with your wife?

I had the same EXACT question in mind. If she don't want to have sex with you, you seriously have a problem here.

 

Anyway, you made a huge mistake of dating another woman while married; well - I guess I'll call it a date. I mean, you went out to launch with another woman without your wifes consent?! Whether you are unhappy in your relationship or not, this wasn't the way to handle it, man.

 

You and your wife need to communicate more and sort out your issues; you honestly don't know what you are getting yourself into. Also, you don't seem to be happy in your relationship and should see if it is fixable; then see if SHE is fixable (she wont have sex?!!). Remember that if the feelings you two have for each other don't turn out to be mutual, you shouldn't be together much longer - under ANY circumstances. It's good to want what's best for your child, but you should also be happy in the end.

 

stoopid_guy: We laugh at each others jokes, share secrets, and are just very comfortable together. We've been out to lunch together a few times but are not physical at all.

You two go to lunch, laugh at each others jokes, AND share secrets? Personally, I would be torn to learn that my wife lived a similar "outside life" apart from me. And to make things worse, she don't know anything about this FRIEND. Maybe some will disagree with me, but picture this in your head in the exact same way.

 

stoopid_guy: Thing is, over the last few weeks now I've been thinking how sweet it would be to hold her in my arms, and we've started flirting.

Yeah, it's too bad we will never know the thoughts our mates have in their heads, huh? I mean, picture your husband/wife laying in bed next to you. Yes, s/he's in the bed [physically],.... but where is their heart? Who's on their mind? I'll tell you this: they're surely not thinking about giving you a big surpise breakfast the following morning. I guess some things about life just suck... period . Handle this the right way, man - and good luck

[stoopid_guy]

First of all, I really appreciate everyone's views and time.

 

You don't ever have sex with your wife?

 

No, we quit years ago. Things were very rocky for a period, but then we stabilized into friendship/parenting partners. To be honest, that period was so frustrating for me that I have no romantic interest in her either. She even said something like "so have an affair, I just don't want to know about it" at one point. (I kid you not.)

 

you made a huge mistake of dating another woman while married

 

Actually, I might have lunch with a male co-worker. I'm supposed to shun someone simply because she's female? (or am I just rationalizing that?) Now, if I ask her to go someplace descreet after work for drinks, that would be a date. Especially if I sat next to her instead of across, held her hand...

[bab]

She even said something like "so have an affair, I just don't want to know about it" at one point. (I kid you not.)

 

Talk to her about this. It's clearly run through her head, so it might not come to that big of a shock to her. The two of you are still partners, albeit not sexual partners. Be honest with her. Not having sex for years at a time is a serious thing, but you are right to be worried about the consequences. Talk to your wife. Tell her that you've been contemplating her statement, but you are worried about the consequences. The two of you can discuss it, and maybe just maybe it would be an eye opener. Maybe she'll stay by her statement, and you can go ahead guilt free (note that her not finding out/not "minding" does NOT mean that there won't be any consequences). Maybe she doesn't really want to share her husband, and she will be interested in actually working on what is left of your marriage. If you still consider her your partner, you should make a joint decision about how to deal with these issues.

[scrybe74]

If you are in a sexless marriage then what's the point? If you are friends and platonic...I don't get why the continued commitment with the exception of your daughter. What kind of example do you set for her to grow up with affectionless parents?

 

I say talk to your wife about it and let her know that you want to be free to explore romantic relationships with other women. You guys should think about counseling too. I just don't understand why she would want to be in a marriage without sex or intimacy either. Anyway....maybe after you talk to her something will happen. Is it possible that she now does have romantic and sexual feelings towards you but that it's been so long she's afraid of approaching you? Maybe she thinks that you just don't want her anymore. Have you even tried to be intimate with her lately?

[Spectre]

Being married involves sex, if your wife wont have sex with you, then leave her

 

It wont make you an a-hole. If you don't want to have sex with your husband theres a problem anyways, but dont cheat.

[nicki]

I've been in a marriage like yours....and it's not right. Someone once told me that sometimes we hook onto another person to pull us out of a bad relationship -- that we can't find the courage to just leave a bad situation.

 

And it's a bad situation if you aren't having sex and can't fix the reason why.

 

About your co-worker, please don't kid yourself. If you weren't interested in her, then it would be the same deal as going out to lunch with a male coworker.

 

If you are interested in her, then it's a date. To a married man, being interested in another woman is a red flag to stay away from her...and focus on the wife.

 

In your case, I'd say the interest in another woman is healthy and normal, BUT you need to be single to pursue her.

 

The way I see it, you have two choices: Talk to the wife and go to counseling, or leave the marriage and start over. Choice number 2 is a good idea if there is no love left. The door can close on the time counseling can help.

 

Sometimes relationships just run out of love and steam. Maybe it is time for you to move on...

[stoopid_guy]

What kind of example do you set for her to grow up with affectionless parents?

 

We're not exactly affectionless, just not romantic/sexual. We do hug occasionally, we do say "I love you" (just like I might say it to a sister.) I don't want to hurt her. I know our relationship seems weird, but it's... comfortable.

 

Is it possible that she now does have romantic and sexual feelings towards you but that it's been so long she's afraid of approaching you? Maybe she thinks that you just don't want her anymore. Have you even tried to be intimate with her lately?

 

It's been at least 8 years. At first, we made wondeful love a few times a week, much kissing, caressing, cuddling, and gigling. Then, trying to have a second child, we went to "hurry up and get it over with" sex. After three misciarages, she gave up wanted me to move into another room. That lasted over a year, and my wife realized that our daughter might notice that we sleep in different rooms but her friends parents didn't, so I moved back into our bed. I did try to convince her to make love; words, flowers, cooking meals, long back rubs, everything I could think of. How much and how long am I supposed to try?

 

I did give into temptation a bit today, found a four-leaf clover and gave it to the sweety in the office. Her smile makes my day.

[tanbark813]

She even said something like "so have an affair, I just don't want to know about it" at one point. (I kid you not.)

 

If she said that then there's a good chance she did that herself at some point.

 

Then, trying to have a second child, we went to "hurry up and get it over with" sex. After three misciarages, she gave up wanted me to move into another room.

 

Man, that's rough. She probably subconsciously associates a lot of the negative feelings from the miscarriages with you in general or being intimate with you in particular.

[stoopid_guy]

She probably subconsciously associates a lot of the negative feelings from the miscarriages with you in general or being intimate with you in particular.

 

Maybe that's it, she also hit menopause about that time (one reason we were trying so hard to have another.) No way to be sure, but I don't think she ever fooled around.

[BUTAFLY]

If she said that then there's a good chance she did that herself at some point.

 

 

 

Man, that's rough. She probably subconsciously associates a lot of the negative feelings from the miscarriages with you in general or being intimate with you in particular.

 

 

You hit the nail on the head! This is something your wife needs to go get help for. That would devestate any women. She may have many pent up feelings associated with the misscarriages. She may not feel sexy or attractive anymore, 'less of a women'....a number of things men just wont understand.

 

If your wife gets help and starts to come around, would you still be interested in the women from work? If not I say don't pursue this at all! Don't get her hopes up of starting a new romance and then down the line you tell her "Thanx, our little fling was great but I won't be needing your serves anymore, my wife is back." I know thats not what you would say but thats what she will hear.

 

by the way does this women know your married?

[scarlyjones]

First off; I've been married 16 years and have a 14 YO daughter. My wife and I have been platonic friends now for many years. To make a long story short, she burnt out on making love trying to have a second child, and I burnt out trying to convince her otherwise.

 

Anyway, I've been attracted to other women over the last several years, but haven't tried anything. Then, a few months ago a new lady joined my office. We hit it off (as friends) immediately. We laugh at each others jokes, share secrets, and are just very comfortable together. We've been out to lunch together a few times but are not physical at all. Thing is, over the last few weeks now I've been thinking how sweet it would be to hold her in my arms, and we've started flirting. About her: She's a divorced mother of a 3 YO boy, and has a good relationship with her ex.

 

If I "make a move," maybe 1) she'll say she isn't interested in that, or 2) we'll fall passionately in love and break my wife and daughter's hearts, or 3) we'll go out a few times and figure out we're not really interested in each other, or 4) it'll make her so uncomfortable that I won't even have her as a friend, or any number of other things could happen, most of them bad.

 

 

or how about......... 5) You embarrass the hell out of the fourteen year old and her mother.

 

or 6) The fourteen year old daughter learns your sick behaviour and repeats it later in life.

 

The level of selfishness in your post astounds me. Nowhere in your entire post do you ever even consider exploring how your daughter may be affected by this. This will embarrass her. Destroy all trust in her "parents" as role models. And even if you dont plan on telling her,...that means you will most definitely have to end up lying to her periodically. Get a divorce, Casanova. And dont give me the "Staying together for the kids" bullsh*t. Yeah,...this is much better for kids. What a tool

[purspeed]

Let me cut to a solution here:

 

Don't f*** a girl from work, the grocery store, Home Depot or anywhere within 40 miles of your home/work, period.

 

Never mess with a co-worker, bud. Period.

 

Now, you run out, have sex with some chick (don't catch a disease, wear condoms), enjoy it and there ya go.

 

Your wife has given you implicit permission to do so, but to do so in a respectful and discreet manner. Be respectful and go get that need taken care of.

 

Don't stress over it.

[stoopid_guy]

by the way does this women know your married?

 

Yup, she's actually met my wife (briefly.)

[purspeed]

by the way does this women know your married?

 

Yup, she's actually met my wife (briefly.)

 

Does that make the situation more or less stimulating then?

[stoopid_guy]

Does that make the situation more or less stimulating then?

Great question, hadn't really thought about it. Part of what attracts me to this (potential) OW is how easy she is to talk to though, and the fact that does know my situation. She's actually been in a similar situation with her ex.

 

I wouldn't feel right about it if she didn't know about my marriage though. (I know, sounds silly considering that I'm interested in her behind my wife's back.)

 

If you're wondering if the danger/risk involved makes the situation more exciting, then the answer is "no." We live in a small town, everyone knows everyone. Hiding things is inconvenient. Also, I didn't go out looking for a "fling," that's an easy temptation to resist. Meeting this lovely lady was not something I planned. (And if "Home Depot" ever starts carrying them, I'll immediately start buying their stock!)

[purspeed]

First off, there are some fine babes at my Home Depot, let me tell ya. But, being the disciplined man that I am, I do not hit on them ever.

 

This girl is not right for you Stoopid_guy. It's dangerous. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, especially with matters of the heart. I thought we were talking about sex here. What you want is far deeper and more foolish (unless you want a divorce).

 

Don't humiliate your wife, babe.

[stoopid_guy]

First off, there are some fine babes at my Home Depot, let me tell ya. But, being the disciplined man that I am, I do not hit on them ever.

And there's just something about a woman who knows her way around power tools. I wonder if they get employee discounts?

 

I thought we were talking about sex here. What you want is far deeper and more foolish

 

Heck, I can masturbate for sexual release. Yes, I want something far deeper. And yes, on one level, I know how foolish that is (The "Stoopid Guy" handle wasn't chosen at random.) I also know that I don't want to give up hope, and how happy I am around this OW, though we've barely ever touched.

[purspeed]

Stay faithful to your wife. That's my vote.

 

Otherwise, file for a divorce and try something new.

[megnog]

don't you think if you and your co worker ever really hit it off one, if not both, of you would get fired???

i don't know. stop what you're doing and talk to your wife. you say you want to do whats best for your child and not divorce?? i'm confused. what the hell do you want to happen in your ideal world because this isn't adding up.

[crazy_grl]

To make a long story short, she burnt out on making love trying to have a second child, and I burnt out trying to convince her otherwise.

 

I think tanbark hit the nail on the head about why she's "burnt out on sex". You and your wife need to get to marriage counseling. If your wife is able to share her feelings with you about why she isn't interested in sex, it could strengthen your relationship so that you'll be having great sex again.

 

Which would you prefer sex with your wife like it used to be or sex with your coworker?

 

She even said something like "so have an affair, I just don't want to know about it" at one point. (I kid you not.)

 

People say things like that that they don't mean all the time. You can't take that as her permission to go have an affair unless it was in the course of having a serious discussion about the subject.

 

Actually, I might have lunch with a male co-worker. I'm supposed to shun someone simply because she's female? (or am I just rationalizing that?)

 

Yeah, you're rationalizing. I would never go to lunch alone with one of my married male coworkers. That would just be so weird and inappropriate.

[stoopid_guy]

don't you think if you and your co worker ever really hit it off one, if not both, of you would get fired?

 

For what reason? OK, if it was disrupting to our work performance somehow, maybe, but otherwise there would be no grounds.

 

You and your wife need to get to marriage counseling. If your wife is able to share her feelings with you about why she isn't interested in sex, it could strengthen your relationship so that you'll be having great sex again.

 

I've tried everything I could think of with my wife, including asking her to go to counseling. I'm not the type to say (or imply) "make love to me or I'm leaving you" though. If she finds out what I'm thinking, then wants to start our sex life again because of it, it would seem like extortion.

 

I have to be honest here folks, my marriage was very frustrating for a couple of years. Now it's just numb in that regard, and I have no romantic feelings whatsoever for her. If she did try to rekindle the flames, I don't think I'd be interested.