Trying to resist temptation...

[BUTAFLY]

[quote=stoopid_guy;850155

I have to be honest here folks, my marriage was very frustrating for a couple of years. Now it's just numb in that regard, and I have no romantic feelings whatsoever for her. If she did try to rekindle the flames, I don't think I'd be interested.

 

You just answered your own question. So this really has nothing to do with the OW...its about your feelings for your W. Now the question is whats the next step.

[stoopid_guy]

You just answered your own question. So this really has nothing to do with the OW...its about your feelings for your W. Now the question is whats the next step.

If my relationship with my W was healthy in every respect, this OW wouldn't be a temptation. She'd be a good friend, but I wouldn't be thinking of her the way I do.

 

On the other hand, if I hadn't met this sweet lady, I wouldn't be tempted right now. She's the first lady I've felt this way about in many years. (Note: She hasn't led me on at all, she's been nothing but a wonderful friend who's also physically desirable.)

[rossi]

I understand how you are feeling, it looks like you are a young man and of course you need to fell what life is. I felt the same way when my husband and I were separeted living in the same house, i remember a lady at Victorya Secret store when I went to buy a lotion for my skin. She putted it in my rigtht arm and gave me a little massage on it. I t feel so good, to be touched and care by someone. I remember that i closed my eyes and asked her to keep going. I did not had that feeling for weeks. My point is that we as human been need to be touche, care and loved. You are having those feeling toward your friend because she shares with you time that you don't have with your wife from longtime, she listens to you and talk to you. This make her looks more beautiful and desireable to your eyes. If you tell your wife about your feeling about this women i'm sure if she loves you it will be like a wake up call to her feeling toward you and the same for you. I said this because i was feeling the same about my husband, i did not care to sleep away from him for weeks because he did not care about me neither. After the affair he and i knew how much we love eachother. Talk to your wife like a friend and see what happend. Something good may come from it, you may fix your problems with her or will end up with the ow. But at least you try your best by been honest with your wife.

[purspeed]

Rossi: that's straight sad (the part about the massage).

 

Stoopid_Guy: Get a divorce already. You'll be happier with someone else, as long as your daughter comes first.

[BUTAFLY]

If my relationship with my W was healthy in every respect, this OW wouldn't be a temptation. She'd be a good friend, but I wouldn't be thinking of her the way I do.

 

On the other hand, if I hadn't met this sweet lady, I wouldn't be tempted right now.

 

Like you said, if your relationship w/ your W was good, this OW wouldn't even be a factor. Thats why I say it has nothing to do with her. Its all about getting those intimate feelings back.

 

I say stop seeing the OW...stop flirting at work, going out to lunch and then see how you feel about the wife & the marriage. You are obviouly confused and having the ow as a distraction is not helping you clear your thoughts.

[purspeed]

He ain't confused. He's perfectly aware of his situation. He is unable to act out of fear and shame.

 

He knows what to do, he just wants someone to hold his hand.

[stoopid_guy]

Thanks for sharing your story Rossi, the best thing about joining up here is seeing other people in tough situations and how they deal with them. Personally, us having three dogs and four cats help me with the cravings for affection, one 60lb "lap dog" in particular.

 

I say stop seeing the OW...stop flirting at work, going out to lunch and then see how you feel about the wife & the marriage.

 

I know how I'll feel, just like I did before the OW came along; comfortable, but not happy in the romance dept.

 

He ain't confused. He's perfectly aware of his situation. He is unable to act out of fear and shame.

 

At this point, I've got to act. It's a matter of choosing how and when. What I'm leaning toward now is asking the OW out on a real date (she wants to see "Pirates" movie, wonder if she'd wanna see it with me?) If she says "no thanks" though, the decision will be made and I won't have to hurt anyone. If she says "yes," I'll just play it by ear. (The theatre I'm thinking about is in a town about 40 minutes away, I trust the OW to be discreet, and my wife is used to me working late.)

[purspeed]

Sounds like a viable plan. Good luck.

[BUTAFLY]

Sounds like a viable plan. Good luck.

 

No.. thats not a good plan. StoopidGuy what are you doing?

what do you want from this women?

What will going on a date do?

Will it resolve your issues at home? or make you feel better for the time being?

are you hoping your wife will get suspisous and come around?

if she does then how would you handle the OW.

[crazy_grl]

At this point, I've got to act.

 

Yeah, you're right. You do have to act, but asking another woman on a date behind your spouse's back is NOT the way for any person to act.

 

If you don't love your wife anymore, get a divorce, and you'll be free to ask out whoever you want. If you and this coworker are right for each other, then there's no reason you can't wait to be together until after the divorce, or at least until you're separated.

 

At the very least, ask your wife for permission to date another woman. I think you know full well your wife wasn't giving you permission when she said "why don't you have an affair then". If you really thought it was okay, you wouldn't be here asking about it.

 

You're not a teenager anymore. Stop acting like one.

[stoopid_guy]

what do you want from this women?

what will going on a date do?

 

I want to get to know her even better, I want to spend more time with her. I want to know if her hug is as warm as her smile...

 

Will it resolve your issues at home? or make you feel better for the time being?

 

It might, one way or another.

 

are you hoping your wife will get suspisous and come around?

 

No, if it takes the possibility of me having another love for her to "come around," I don't want her to do it.

 

if she does then how would you handle the OW.

 

It would make no difference.

 

If you don't love your wife anymore, get a divorce, and you'll be free to ask out whoever you want.

 

If I didn't love my wife, I'd have asked for a divorce years ago. I do love her platonically, just not romantically. She's a friend, the mother of our daughter, and a room-mate. And if nothing developes with the OW, I see no reason to hurt her.

[purspeed]

Stoopid_guy:

 

1. you are playing it safe with your strategy

2. people need a safety net

3. although in a perfect or ideal world, divorcing first would be best, your approach is probably the best solution given your character traits and circumstances.

[crazy_grl]

If I didn't love my wife, I'd have asked for a divorce years ago. I do love her platonically, just not romantically. She's a friend, the mother of our daughter, and a room-mate. And if nothing developes with the OW, I see no reason to hurt her.

 

Twist it however you want in order to suit yourselfish desires, but if you loved her and respected her, you wouldn't be going out with other women behind her back. I've never bought into the "what they don't know won't hurt them" theory. I think it's just an excuse for cowardly people to do horrible things without coming clean about them and facing the consequences.

 

You can say it's for her benefit all you want, but it sure is convenient that not telling and not divorcing makes it a lot easier to keep seeing this OW. It keeps you from actually have to deal with reality and face the consequences of your actions.

 

Also, telling her about your feelings for another woman in order to let her know where the relationship stands isn't extortion. It's being honest and trying to work things out. From the sounds of it, both you and your wife need to work on being open with your feelings. If your wife won't go to counseling, there's no reason you can't go yourself in order to work on your communication.

 

Ah, but why do that when cheating is so simple...

 

Stoopid_guy:

2. people need a safety net

 

No they don't. A person who has to secure the next relationship before they move onto from the previous has issues that they should see someone about. It's not healthy, nor is it fair to anyone involved.

 

3. although in a perfect or ideal world, divorcing first would be best, your approach is probably the best solution given your character traits and circumstances.

 

Yes, I'd say it probably is the best solution for someone who has the character traits of being selfish, looks for the "easy" way out, needs the security of a relationship because they can't live on their own, and communicates their needs to their spouse poorly.

 

Cheating, it's the perfect relationship fix. Don't want to face reality or work on yourself? You don't have to. Just cheat.

[purspeed]

Crazy_grl:

 

In principle, I agree with everything you wrote.

 

However, if you read Stoopid's post dispassionately, you will realize that your advice will fall on deaf ears. His mind is made up.

 

So, you can hammer him if you wish, but I don't think that it will have the effect that you desire.

 

(on a sidenote, you sound like you've been burned, babe)

[crazy_grl]

In principle, I agree with everything you wrote.

 

However, if you read Stoopid's post dispassionately, you will realize that your advice will fall on deaf ears. His mind is made up.

 

So, you can hammer him if you wish, but I don't think that it will have the effect that you desire.

 

I know, but as long as he's still posting, I figure maybe there's some way to knock some sense into him.

 

(on a sidenote, you sound like you've been burned, babe)

 

Nope, I've never been cheated on, at least not by anyone I was dating seriously or cared about. I have been the cheater though, so I know first hand the selfishness and the rationalizing involved in cheating. But my advice comes from not just my own experience, but from hearing of the experiences of many others. If I sound defensive, it's on behalf of those people who I've told about how their hearts were ripped out and they felt completely betrayed when they found out about their SO cheating behind their back.

 

I'll never make that mistake again, and if I can keep another person from doing something so stupid, then I'm going to try whether my words fall on deaf ears or not.

[purspeed]

In time, you will realize that people don't want to be helped.

[stoopid_guy]

In time, you will realize that people don't want to be helped.

Or, that being a "sounding board" for other's issues is helping, even though they may not take your advice. I respect every opinion I've seen here. Unfortunately, heart and head don't always agree. We all do things at times we know are stoopid, we all take chances.

 

I know the least hurtful thing I could do for those I care about is simply ignore the sweety in the office, continue my life as it's been going for the last several years. I feel I've got to explore it though.

[purspeed]

People need change Stoopid or something inside them sleeps and seldom awakens.

[crazy_grl]

You forgot the option of repairing your marriage.

 

Have you ever sat down, took your wife's hand and told her in a completely calm and non-accusing tone, "Honey, I love you. I miss feeling the way I used to about you. I want to be close to you. I miss what we once had. I want you to help me get our marriage back to the way it used to be."

 

If the way you explain your issues to your wife is the way you explained them to us in the first post, you're not making it clear to her what it is you want. It just sounds like you're after sex, and trivializing how she feels by saying things like, "she just got burnt out". It doesn't sound like you're taking her feelings into account. If you do care how she feels, you have to let her know that and you have to ask her. A good counselor should be able to help you find a way to express how you feel in a way that she'll hear what you're saying.

 

I don't think the solution is to find another woman, because in time, you'll run into the same issues with her. You have to figure out how to bridge the communication gap between men and women. And yours sounds like a pretty basic miscommunication that could have been fixed years ago.

 

Dollars to donuts that this is how your marriage went down: After all the miscarriages, your wife felt depressed, unsexy, and less like a woman. She didn't tell you what was wrong, probably because she was ashamed, and you didn't ask... or if you did, it came out in such a way that it made her feel worse. You complained about the lack of sex, asked her to get help, etc, and she got defensive and probably more depressed, because to her, you were confirming that their was a problem with her. You were trying to tell her that you missed the intimacy, but all she heard is that you want her to put out, which made her want to do it all the less.

 

If you go see a counselor, tell them about your problem, ask them how to explain it to your wife, then you speak to her and she still refuses to do anything to help the marriage, then I'll say go right ahead and ask that woman out.

[stoopid_guy]

Have you ever sat down, took your wife's hand and told her in a completely calm and non-accusing tone, "Honey, I love you. I miss feeling the way I used to about you. I want to be close to you. I miss what we once had. I want you to help me get our marriage back to the way it used to be."

 

Yes, many-many times. I've tried telling her every way I could think of, and that I didn't marry her for kids, I married her for her. I tried also tried showing her with hugs, kisses, back rubs, massages, and "just because" gifts. Early in our relationship, she would sometimes initiate love-making, but I would usually initiate it with a back rub. I'd start with her shoulders, slowly work down to her lower back, then jump down to her feet, and work my way up... That, and frequent kisses on the back of her neck, her cheek, and other spots would almost always get her in the mood for a long, sweet "session." Sometimes, when she wasn't in the mood for love-making and I was, she'd "help me out" with her hands or mouth.

 

After the last miscairage, I tried for months to restart things. Then she kicked me out of our bed, and didn't want me back in until she realized our daughter might notice. Once back in our bed, I started trying again but didn't get anywhere but frustrated.

 

Crazy_grl, I think I'm a patient fellow, but we all have our limits. With my wife and feelings of romance, first it made me sad, then it made me angry. I'd have left at that point if it hadn't been for our daughter. But eventually I got used to a loveless relationship, and I lost romantic interest in her. We're still friends. I care about my wife. I'd rather not hurt her. But I'm having feelings now that, in my heart, I know I've got to pursue.

[BUTAFLY]

Stoopid,

I originally thought you were posting because you wanted to talk through your issue and get help resisting temptation. but it's looking more like you want justification. Purspeed is right, you already made up your mind, you want a mistress. Ok fine.

 

May i suggest reading posts from OW in the Other man M/Other Woman forum to see what damage your about to do to this women. Every story is ultimaley the same...the Husband or Wife reconciles/never seperates with thier spouse and the OW/OM is left holding the bag.

 

I know your penis won't allow your brain to think that far ahead, but if you admire this women as much as you claim then you wouldn't want to hurt her so keep it real from the get go(make sure your on the same page). Constantley reevaluate you feelings and relationship. When one starts to get strong feelings for the other the whole thing must be called off or s***s gonna hit the fan.

(That's IF she goes along with this affair.)

[stoopid_guy]

May i suggest reading posts from OW in the Other man M/Other Woman forum to see what damage your about to do to this women. Every story is ultimaley the same...the Husband or Wife reconciles/never seperates with thier spouse and the OW/OM is left holding the bag.

 

I have, I've read quite a bit here over the last few days. You're right, they most often end badly for the OW, and always end badly for someone. But I've also read a lot of posts that remind me what I'm missing in life. If I don't take ths chance, I'll wonder about it the rest of my life.

 

I know your penis won't allow your brain to think that far ahead, but if you admire this women as much as you claim then you wouldn't want to hurt her so keep it real from the get go(make sure your on the same page). Constantley reevaluate you feelings and relationship. When one starts to get strong feelings for the other the whole thing must be called off or s***s gonna hit the fan.

 

Actually, my penis is pretty easy to please. He just wants a little friction, and that's easy. It's my heart that's in the driver's seat on this. Yes, I have every intention of keeping it real. This lady's been in a similar situation to mine, and she went to the arms of another. She understands me and my situation, and she'll know what she's getting into.

 

(That's IF she goes along with this affair.)

 

The big "IF," and IF I get up the nerve to ask her out.

[2sunny]

SG-

 

YOU are already involved! Emotionally at the very least, and that is considered cheating. You have given this alot of thought and energy...

 

Get out of your marriage BEFORE you go down this road (which you seem intent on doing) so that your wife will understand your position and you can say you were up front and honest about your intentions.

 

The OW will also have less mixed signals if you finish one relationship before starting the next.

 

Be fair - to yourself, your family, and that gal...

[stoopid_guy]

YOU are already involved! Emotionally at the very least, and that is considered cheating. You have given this alot of thought and energy...

 

Already involved? Well nothing to loose then, in for a penny, in for a pound! (Sorry, I just couldn't resist saying that.) But you are correct, I'm allready more intimate in some ways with the sweety than I am with my wife.

 

Get out of your marriage BEFORE you go down this road (which you seem intent on doing) so that your wife will understand your position and you can say you were up front and honest about your intentions.

 

Very good advice, just very hard to follow.

 

OK folks, call me an a$$, or whatever, but for better or worse I asked the sweet lady out. For better or worse, she said "sure!" (with a big, beautiful smile, and no hesitation.) We're going to see "Pirates" either Wednesday or Thursday night. Right now, I'm on top of the world. The first fork in the road is chosen, and I'll keep you informed...

 

Again, thank you all for your thoughts and time.

[BUTAFLY]

I asked the sweet lady out. For better or worse, she said "sure!" (with a big, beautiful smile, and no hesitation.)

 

Good luck. Is your sweet lady married? You said she has been down this road before? does that mean she was the OW or she took on an OM?

I tell you what StoopidGuy I am fascinated to see how this all works out. Please keep us informed.