Author stoopid_guy Posted July 11, 2006 Author Share Posted July 11, 2006 Good luck. Is your sweet lady married? You said she has been down this road before? does that mean she was the OW or she took on an OM? I tell you what StoopidGuy I am fascinated to see how this all works out. Please keep us informed. Thanks BUTAFLY, I'll need all the luck I can get. She's divorced, amicably so. Her husband lost interest in her physically, moved into another room, she had an affair with another married man, and then seperated from her husband. She didn't want to hurt her husband, so kept the affair discreet. I have the impression he never found out, but she never said as much. She actually told me at one point that she'd never get involved with a married man again, so I was very pleasantly surprised when she agreed. We really do have a lot in common, and being able to talk through such things is one reason we're so comfortable together. We're both smokers, and started chatting over cigarettes, then a couple of times we've had lunch together but didn't plan them that way, just happened to be the only ones craving Mexican that day. The more time I spend with her, the more time I want to spend with her, and I think the feeling's mutual. That trend may stop at some point, we shall see. FWIW, I thought she was attractive when we first met, but if someone had told me I'd be asking her out I'd have called them "crazy." My feelings have really grown over time. Thanks again to everyone for your time and thoughts. I'll definately let you know how things develope. Link to post Share on other sites
purspeed Posted July 11, 2006 Share Posted July 11, 2006 Sometimes it's just time to move on. Although I don't think your situation with your wife is unsalvagable, it will take both people involved to seek out help in whatever form (counselor, priest, friend, neutral third party, Viagra, etc.). Again, I wish you luck and try to be respectful and discreet with the new woman until you file for divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
BUTAFLY Posted July 11, 2006 Share Posted July 11, 2006 She actually told me at one point that she'd never get involved with a married man again. I wonder why? Well, she is a grown adult and has been in this position before so if it turns out badly on her part i have little sympathy. Get back to us after your date. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 11, 2006 Share Posted July 11, 2006 How do you look at yourself in the mirror? YOU are married and totally justifying betrayal to the one person you are supposed to love more than anyone else! I hate it when a man tried to reason with the fact that he is still a cheater and a sneek! How would YOU like it if your little wifey went to the same movie with her sweety boyfriend? How would you feel about that? Link to post Share on other sites
mika Posted July 11, 2006 Share Posted July 11, 2006 First of all, I really appreciate everyone's views and time. You don't ever have sex with your wife? No, we quit years ago. Things were very rocky for a period, but then we stabilized into friendship/parenting partners. To be honest, that period was so frustrating for me that I have no romantic interest in her either. She even said something like "so have an affair, I just don't want to know about it" at one point. (I kid you not.) you made a huge mistake of dating another woman while married Actually, I might have lunch with a male co-worker. I'm supposed to shun someone simply because she's female? (or am I just rationalizing that?) Now, if I ask her to go someplace descreet after work for drinks, that would be a date. Especially if I sat next to her instead of across, held her hand... the difference between going out to eat with a male co-worker and a female co-worker is just that. and do you keep it from you wife that you go out with her? and truthdully if you know that you have feelings for someone other than just as friends then and you secretly go out to eat with them then you are putting yourself in a situation that could get you in trouble. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 11, 2006 Share Posted July 11, 2006 the difference between going out to eat with a male co-worker and a female co-worker is just that. and do you keep it from you wife that you go out with her? and truthdully if you know that you have feelings for someone other than just as friends then and you secretly go out to eat with them then you are putting yourself in a situation that could get you in trouble. That's just it - he is intentionally going down a troubled road... even with good folks trying to warn him of the dangers! He chose the wrong title for his tread... it should read "Help me feel better about being a lousy husband." He didn't want advice - he wanted to brag about his conquest... pathetic to me that he calls himself a man! Link to post Share on other sites
Author stoopid_guy Posted July 12, 2006 Author Share Posted July 12, 2006 the difference between going out to eat with a male co-worker and a female co-worker is just that. and do you keep it from you wife that you go out with her? and truthdully if you know that you have feelings for someone other than just as friends then and you secretly go out to eat with them then you are putting yourself in a situation that could get you in trouble. I know Mika. It was actually during one of those lunches that I started to think of her as more than just a good friend. I didn't plan it, it just happened. Now that it did, I know in my heart I've got to follow it through. My wife does know we are friends, but doesn't know how I feel about her. She does know that I get along well with women though, and I doubt it would surprise her to find we had lunch together. He didn't want advice - he wanted to brag about his conquest... pathetic to me that he calls himself a man! You're entitled to your opinion. You've never followed your heart when your head was telling you not to? And where have I bragged about anything? My feelings toward this lady make me happy (and a bit scared,) but she's a strong, intellegent person with a mind of her own. She'll never be a "conquest" for anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
BenThereDunThat Posted July 12, 2006 Share Posted July 12, 2006 Stoopid Guy, Just a note to say that after reading your posts, you sound exactly like my MM. We work together and fell in love. I was in the process of leaving my H at the time, but he didn't know that when it first started. He really swept me off my feet, showed me lots of attention, always told me how my smile/laughter made his day. We were extremely affectionate together. But now, I am suffering. He won't leave his wife, there are no children involved, but they've been married for 17 years. I know he had no intention of hurting me but it was inevitable. Especially when the OW is single. I tried breaking it off several times, but something always started it back up again. I have finally found strength and have asked him to block me from IM, he did, and I blocked him also. I'm only telling you this because you say she's a strong intelligent person with a mind of her own, won't ever be a "conquest"...well, that also described me to a T. As I fell deeper in love with him, the relationship became less and less fulfilling. The day I found myself crying over him was the day I finally said ENOUGH. I've never cried over a man. Please, please consider her heart before you go any further! MM and I can no longer be friends because there is just no middle ground. And he really was a good friend before all this started. Good luck and PLEASE step lightly! Link to post Share on other sites
purspeed Posted July 12, 2006 Share Posted July 12, 2006 That's just it - he is intentionally going down a troubled road... even with good folks trying to warn him of the dangers! He chose the wrong title for his tread... it should read "Help me feel better about being a lousy husband." He didn't want advice - he wanted to brag about his conquest... pathetic to me that he calls himself a man! Chill out, dude. Don't give yourself a heart attack. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 12, 2006 Share Posted July 12, 2006 You're entitled to your opinion. You've never followed your heart when your head was telling you not to? You don't go down this road when you are married! Get divorced - THEN date your SWEETY! To follow your heart - ha- that's what you should have been doing BEFORE you married your WIFE! That's exactly what I did BEFORE I got married... yep, did ANYONE/EVERYONE I thought was hot... but never AFTER I got married.... How would YOU like it if you found out your wife had a SWEETY hanging around to have fun with - oh yah, and without telling you about HIM? Link to post Share on other sites
purspeed Posted July 12, 2006 Share Posted July 12, 2006 You don't go down this road when you are married! Get divorced - THEN date your SWEETY! To follow your heart - ha- that's what you should have been doing BEFORE you married your WIFE! That's exactly what I did BEFORE I got married... yep, did ANYONE/EVERYONE I thought was hot... but never AFTER I got married.... How would YOU like it if you found out your wife had a SWEETY hanging around to have fun with - oh yah, and without telling you about HIM? You and your raw emotion. This ain't Jerry Springer. Does Stoopid_Guy appear to be someone governed by passion? He is articulate, calm and considers the totality of the circumstances. Perhaps you should grab a smoke and get over your past, babe. (btw, I don't agree with Stoopid...how can I? He's STOOPID.. But, I do understand him.) Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 12, 2006 Share Posted July 12, 2006 Believe me - I get him too... it's just that you do these things when you are single, NOT married... I have nothing to GET OVER... I just know what is acceptable and what is not, IF you are respecting your spouse. Unless - of course they have a previous agreement for an open marriage - which he has never indicated at all... You must be a person who has never been married - thus the perspective of not respecting the person you are supposed to love and honor the most in the whole world... much less to be a good example of a father to his children... BTW it is spelled STUPID - not stoopid - to those of us that have a hard time with misspellings and looking at them here on the LS forum... yes there are several gals that get irritated with words that are consistently misspelled.... Maybe he's a troll... just out to stir the pot... Link to post Share on other sites
Author stoopid_guy Posted July 12, 2006 Author Share Posted July 12, 2006 Believe me - I get him too... it's just that you do these things when you are single, NOT married... I understand what you're saying too, Sunny. When my marriage was "complete," I wouldn't have considered seeing another woman. I'm not trying to justify infidelity, and I'd never encourage someone to fool around. I started this thread to collect my thoughts and get some different angles on the situation, not to "stir the pot." If I've upset anyone, it was unintentional. On the other hand, halfway through the thread, should I have said something like "I talked it over with my wife, and we're now passionately in love again!" even though it wasn't true? One thing I HAVE gotten from reading here is a reminder of how unique every situation is. (btw, I don't agree with Stoopid...how can I? He's STOOPID.. But, I do understand him.) Thanks, (I think?) Link to post Share on other sites
BUTAFLY Posted July 12, 2006 Share Posted July 12, 2006 You've never followed your heart when your head was telling you not to? I have....and BOY was that a big mistake. I learned you can't live off of romanticized emotions...but by rational thought and judgement. P.S. I have to comment on this: BTW it is spelled STUPID - not stoopid I think we all know its a play on the word. Like I know Butafly is spelled Butterfly. Link to post Share on other sites
grateful Posted July 12, 2006 Share Posted July 12, 2006 I know Mika. It was actually during one of those lunches that I started to think of her as more than just a good friend. I didn't plan it, it just happened. Now that it did, I know in my heart I've got to follow it through. If I had a nickle for every time I've read that in the OW/OM forum. I agree with the other posters - you sound like a very smart, articulate guy who has thought a lot about your own situation. That being the case, you are too smart to accept "it just happened." That's a rationalization. Relationships never just "happen." We create them, we nurture them, we seek them out. Extramarital relationships require even more effort because they have to be hidden. You are too smart to rely on the "it just happened that way" excuse. Be a man and say what you mean - I sought out an extramarital affair because I'm not happy. That's not, in my opinion, excusable behavior, but at least it's honest. I almost had an affair on a SO that I love very much. Part of the way I got myself out of what was feeling like an addiction was to remember that I could control my actions and behavior - nothing in my situation "just happened." I created it. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 12, 2006 Share Posted July 12, 2006 Why don't you at the very least - postpone your date with sweety... Then - explain the situation to your wife - honestly and completely... Give her a chance to respond to your temptations and the situation at hand... One of two things will happen.... 1. She may want to work on making your marriage better. This would be much better than going behind her back. It would also allow her to understand how much you are being tempted. 2. If she doesn't care what you do, then at least she has your honesty. You can go forward with your date without feeling guilty. How she reacts should tell you what course of action (or inaction) to take next.... I think this should resolve you being in a bad situation. Link to post Share on other sites
onmyownagain Posted July 12, 2006 Share Posted July 12, 2006 Why don't you at the very least - postpone your date with sweety... Then - explain the situation to your wife - honestly and completely... Give her a chance to respond to your temptations and the situation at hand... One of two things will happen.... 1. She may want to work on making your marriage better. This would be much better than going behind her back. It would also allow her to understand how much you are being tempted. 2. If she doesn't care what you do, then at least she has your honesty. You can go forward with your date without feeling guilty. How she reacts should tell you what course of action (or inaction) to take next.... I think this should resolve you being in a bad situation. His wife has had years to show she was still a loving partner, she might not want him to leave and have an affair but she must expect some sort of reaction. He has made it clear that he needs affection and knows he would get it from somewhere eventually. Perhaps it will be a blessed relief to her as long as he is discrete and doesn't rub her nose in it, then perhaps the marriage can continue with the third person. Link to post Share on other sites
BUTAFLY Posted July 12, 2006 Share Posted July 12, 2006 So this is it...a dead, unhappy marriage which two people will stay in because they are comfortable, (unhappy together beats unhappy alone i guess)...Is this what I have to look forward to? I'm really starting to believe weddings are a horse and pony show made for spectaters and marriage is an instituation to prove something. When you get married your at the height of love and passion for one another but when your that high you have no where else to go but down. I assume all marriages go through rough points like stoopidguys, but is this how they all eventually end up. Dead in the water / stagnate? I don't mean to sound cynical but this thread is really starting to depress me. This is just a personal rant I'm having in my head but if there are believers out they- please make me see the light. I want to believe but its hard. Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted July 12, 2006 Share Posted July 12, 2006 I have....and BOY was that a big mistake. I learned you can't live off of romanticized emotions...but by rational thought and judgement. My thoughts exactly. Every time I've followed my heart and ignored reason, it's ended in disaster. Link to post Share on other sites
purspeed Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 We need a little less estrogen in this thread. I gave the solution on page 1. Pages 2-current are simply cheap entertainment. Btw, as a feminist, I find the "be a man" assertion offensive. Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 I gave the solution on page 1. Pages 2-current are simply cheap entertainment. Do you get off on convincing people to f*ck up their lives? I've seen more than one thread where you tell the person what they want to hear even though it's completely aweful advice that'll lead to a lot of pain. If you enjoy that, that's pretty sick, man. Btw, as a feminist, I find the "be a man" assertion offensive. Please explain why you find this offensive. Link to post Share on other sites
purspeed Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 @crazy_grl: It's funny you should write that, I was going to say the same thing about your advice. I wonder what would happen if we took a vote as to whose advice is more pragmatic and belongs in the real world, yours or mine? I find the "be a man" offensive because there are more differences within the sexes than between the sexes. So, "be a man" is along the same prejudicial lines as "all women belong in the kitchen." Like I wrote, I am a feminist, and, as such, assert equal treatment of women under that law. On a sidenote, I live near Los Angeles. Where are you located in Socal, if you wish to answer. Are you cute? Link to post Share on other sites
Author stoopid_guy Posted July 13, 2006 Author Share Posted July 13, 2006 OK, you will all be happy to know: She called off the date. Time will tell if I've lost my best friend now... The good news for me: I'm normally a "teetotaler," so it shouldn't take too much alcohol to stay numb for a while... Link to post Share on other sites
Author stoopid_guy Posted July 13, 2006 Author Share Posted July 13, 2006 And a post script: Just had a cigarette with the best friend, and all seems back to where we were. I'm very relieved. This whole incident has really made me see how messed up my life's been. My daughter's going to a week-long over-night camp on the 24th, and I'm taking that opportunity to get everything out in the open with my wife. I don't want to hurt her, but I simply cannot go on like this. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 And a post script: Just had a cigarette with the best friend, and all seems back to where we were. I'm very relieved. This whole incident has really made me see how messed up my life's been. My daughter's going to a week-long over-night camp on the 24th, and I'm taking that opportunity to get everything out in the open with my wife. I don't want to hurt her, but I simply cannot go on like this. I am happy that you think you can be honest to your wife with the hopes of things becoming better in your marriage. That honesty and her reaction will allow you to make a decision to stay and work on the marriage or to divorce and follow a chain of events that will give you a clear consciense. I think it's only fair to lay the cards out and see what happens... I think the sweety felt guilty and that's why she canceled... either way, if you date her after you are no longer married she will respect and trust you instead of always wondering if you would cheat on her.... Link to post Share on other sites
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