How Do Wives Do It?

[BUTAFLY]

Well, no, WE didn't share an experience. You shared an experience with my husband. I just got caught in the pain of it.

 

Since you haven't been the wife, don't you feel just a tad presumptuous saying why we stay? The above seems to be just what you tell yourself to make YOU feel better. After all if you say the wives stay:

 

1. Because their husbands have shown unbelievable regret

2. Because the women are strong women, able to shoulder the pain and move on

3. Because they are forgiving women

4. Because the love they and their husbands share has actually been tempered in this fire and forged a greater depth and strength

5. Because they are adult enough women to know that problems truly ARE caused by two people, and they are willing to work on their side of the problems that weakened their relationships to the point their husbands allowed themselves to stray.

 

then the wives don't end up looking like the weak pathetic person you seem to want to see us as.

 

This kinda makes my point. a bs or anyone for that matter must to believe in there spouse and the life they made. if not then what is it all worth. You don't build a house on a deck of cards...you have to believe you have a strong foundation to build apon. Thats to say if the wife stays, which is what casoria was asking (if she leaves that another topic not posed here). That does not in any means make her weak and pathetic...Thats not what I was trying to get at.

 

The same can go for the ow. The ow has to justify in her mind why it happened, she has to also believe. I'm sure you guys can come up with a list of things too. All i'm saying is as people we need to believe in order to remain stable (in a wholistic sense not clinical sense) Its just a defense mechanism.

[BUTAFLY]

Buttaflyy;861717]

For one, people divorce all the time

Yes I know, however the question is how do they do it Not why they do it. if that was the question I would refer back to silktricks post.

a man leaving you doesn't make you insane

.

Thats for sure, but I was refering to wholistic stablitiy not clinical insanity.

It may be hard for you to believe, but sometimes a couple can work through an infidelity and find happiness again.

Thats not hard for me to believe at all.

Sometimes, a human can make a mistake, repent, and move on from it. In the end it is the choice of the couple and no one else. Some people take marraige that seriously.

I'm not arguing that.

[newbby]

I wish you could let that go, Newbby. You needn't put a label on yourself. It's been a good long while since you were involved with a MM. I think it might be a healthy thing just to be 'Newbby... a gal who has a variety of different life experiences'.

 

Newbby, you are one of a kind. You are a unique, wonderful human being who has had experiences.

 

why thankyou girls

but perhaps i worded that the wrong way. i do not cast myself as type anymore than anybody else, but having been there, i understand misunderstanding, and know it can be frustrating at times.

besides which, i dont feel that ashamed of the ow label anyway.

[Mascara]

I've been reading this thread and I must say Mascara, you are downright mean. More like, the female dog another poster alluded to, Would you say the following to the MM's poor wife:

 

You. Weren't. Worth. The. Hassle. (of keeping my dick in my pants)

 

 

Take the stick out of your behind, "hun," and have a little compassion. Isn't that what this board is for??

 

Oh what a load of tosh. No this forum is not for just "compassion", this board is also for a wake up call when it's needed. Some of us spent AGES trying to tell the original poster in long explanatory sentences why she was kidding herself - and therefore not moving on - and she just did not get it. And as far as whether I would say a similar thing to the W... no, the original poster did that - hence MY short sharp post to give her a taste of the things SHE had been saying, which quite frankly disgusted a lot of people. Here are a few choice comments from the op before I made my comment -

 

Low self esteem- a lot. They do not want anyone else to have him…. It's a control thing and an attempt to prove that they are the better woman.

 

you expect him to honor you when you don't honor yourself

 

I had conversations with your man that you could never have because you are the wife

 

your man's voice on it reasoning to her that your marriage was just a business decision and you were despicable, disgusting, evil, bad, horrible

 

why don't you ask him to repeat the vows he made to you years ago. I bet he doesn't even remember them!

 

You are just another woman but the woman with the house. Okay? And he doesn't want to lose the house. You are picked not because of some grandiose love but because it's cheaper.

 

It doesn't mean he loves you more. He loves you because you took him back and helped him keep his tangibles. It's more convenient than being with another woman and building a new castle

[bullhunter]

Newbby, I have answered every question put to me on this thread as honestly as possible, and not once have I attacked, yet you say "If he'd answer without attacking". You seem to have a personal issue with me. Why? Are you trying to resolve something through me? What's the deal? You seem to be trying to get me to see something that you think I haven't seen. What?

 

Silk, thank-you for what you said. It's the only reason I've posted here again.

[ridingthebulls]

BTW, marriage is a very adult thing. It's not for schoolgirls at all, maybe that's why you can't grasp the concept of your original question.

 

But it is for schoolboys though, huh? I find it quite funny that you women think it's ok to marry children and then whine after he treats you like crap.

[saintfrancis]

Oh what a load of tosh. No this forum is not for just "compassion", this board is also for a wake up call when it's needed. Some of us spent AGES trying to tell the original poster in long explanatory sentences why she was kidding herself - and therefore not moving on - and she just did not get it. And as far as whether I would say a similar thing to the W... no, the original poster did that - hence MY short sharp post to give her a taste of the things SHE had been saying, which quite frankly disgusted a lot of people. Here are a few choice comments from the op before I made my comment -

 

Low self esteem- a lot. They do not want anyone else to have him…. It's a control thing and an attempt to prove that they are the better woman.

 

you expect him to honor you when you don't honor yourself

 

I had conversations with your man that you could never have because you are the wife

 

your man's voice on it reasoning to her that your marriage was just a business decision and you were despicable, disgusting, evil, bad, horrible

 

why don't you ask him to repeat the vows he made to you years ago. I bet he doesn't even remember them!

 

You are just another woman but the woman with the house. Okay? And he doesn't want to lose the house. You are picked not because of some grandiose love but because it's cheaper.

 

It doesn't mean he loves you more. He loves you because you took him back and helped him keep his tangibles. It's more convenient than being with another woman and building a new castle

 

 

 

Obviously you think you know everything. I was the OW, dearie. Now who's holding the load of tosh?

 

You have just confirmed what I thought of you from the beginning. Before you go telling people who they are, why not try getting your facts straight.

[ridingthebulls]

Originally Posted by Mascara

Oh what a load of tosh. No this forum is not for just "compassion", this board is also for a wake up call when it's needed. Some of us spent AGES trying to tell the original poster in long explanatory sentences why she was kidding herself - and therefore not moving on - and she just did not get it. And as far as whether I would say a similar thing to the W... no, the original poster did that - hence MY short sharp post to give her a taste of the things SHE had been saying, which quite frankly disgusted a lot of people. Here are a few choice comments from the op before I made my comment -

 

Low self esteem- a lot. They do not want anyone else to have him…. It's a control thing and an attempt to prove that they are the better woman.

 

you expect him to honor you when you don't honor yourself

 

I had conversations with your man that you could never have because you are the wife

 

your man's voice on it reasoning to her that your marriage was just a business decision and you were despicable, disgusting, evil, bad, horrible

 

why don't you ask him to repeat the vows he made to you years ago. I bet he doesn't even remember them!

 

You are just another woman but the woman with the house. Okay? And he doesn't want to lose the house. You are picked not because of some grandiose love but because it's cheaper.

 

It doesn't mean he loves you more. He loves you because you took him back and helped him keep his tangibles. It's more convenient than being with another woman and building a new castle

That may or may not be the case and that is why I despise marriages. Even the majority of those that don't result in divorce, what are the true reasons for the men staying? You can't say the same for long-term relationships where the man has nothing to lose.

Nevertheless, if this MM really loved you, wouldn't he risk it all just to be with you? Or are you not enough? I wouldn't listen to all the crap these MM have spewed to you.

[BUTAFLY]

And in all fairness -

 

When a married man leaves his wife to be with the OW, I would bet that the ex-wife goes through the exact same scenario as the ow are, namely:

 

He didn't get the best deal, I'm the best deal

He's a liar and manipulator

He's no good

She's no good

She seduced him, he never would have gone if she hadn't

He was swept up, when he come to his senses he'll be back

and on and on and on.

Thats it! We all must believe / make since of it all inorder to grieve it and move on.

[owcanbhppy]

woo hoo silk! another excellent post fr you. so true, so true.

 

i dont find it difficult to see who is posting on actual subject matter & who is venting out unresolved issues.

[Mascara]

Obviously you think you know everything. I was the OW, dearie. Now who's holding the load of tosh?

 

You have just confirmed what I thought of you from the beginning. Before you go telling people who they are, why not try getting your facts straight.

 

Are you confused? The quotes in my post were quotes made by the original poster about wives.... they were not my comments, I was repeating them to show what kind of views she held. Did you not see the bit where I said "Here are a few choice quotes"?

[veronese]

 

And I also don't think they people who pose this question honestly want the answer from the wife. I believe that they pose this question on this forum because they want to hear other ow tell them the same things that they are already trying to convince themselves of.

 

QUOTE]

 

I agree with this. I posted a reply to the original question "how do wives do it" [stay with cheating husband's] as I thought the question was directed at BWs. I'm kind of sorry I wasted my time as I don't think anyone is particularly interested in hearing answers to the question.

 

BUTAFLY even wrote a list of reasons why a wife stays with her H and as far as I'm aware, BUTAFLY was the OW so with respect, how the hell would she know? All 8 of the reasons she list of BW's supposed 'excuses' were not true in my situation.

 

1. Given him more attention? I gave him too much attention.

 

2. We were having problems? Not that I was aware of.

 

3. Everyone makes mistakes. Not mistakes this sodding big!

 

4. He was just using her. No he wasn't, well not according to him.

 

5. She's jealous of our love. I don't know, I don't care, and I don't see the relevance of this point. Why would the OW's jealousy affect me and my H?

 

6. She threw herself at him. Sadly not, he pursued them.

 

7. He's a man and will take what's offered to him. Not applicable - see point 6.

 

8. He loves me, that's why I'm his wife. Another irrelevant statement.

 

I may be wrong but several of these 'excuses' seem to be referring to the BW's animosity towards the OW. This is where many OW get it totally wrong.

 

BWs may not like the OW very much and normally have a few negative feelings towards them but isn't that a completely natural reaction to have? Who wouldn't be a teeny weeny bit f**ked off with whoever had been sneaking around behind her back to see her husband?

 

That doesn't mean that the BW is blaming it all on the OW. We're not completely stupid you know.

 

We may not have known before but once we find out our H's are cheating we do see what lying little bastards they are. My H was having long term EAs with three women and had never told any of them they weren't his only 'special friend'. He wouldn't have seemed so nice if they knew. He didn't want them to find out either, he wanted them to continue believing him to be Mr. Nice Guy, loyal and dutiful to his wife and family who didn't mean to develop a friendship with them but couldn't help it when he they got on / connected / clicked with each other.

 

Well I couldn't have given a toss what he wanted them to think, if I knew about all of them it was only fair they knew about each other.

 

How do wives do it? We've told you but I'm not sure you've heard us.

 

The truth is the BWs focus on OW initially but not for very long (in the whole scheme of things). The OW is not the BW's problem, her H is.

 

Likewise the W is not the OW's problem either, the MM is. Don't spend time thinking about the W, she's not part of your relationship with the MM. Focus on what you two have together not what your MM and his W have/had together.

 

BWs don't actually know what the future holds when they decide to try and give their Hs another chance and when they do it usually entails several years of heartache and pain.

 

No-one knows the full extent of how bloody awful the last couple of years have been for me, no-one except for one or two people on LS who are going through it too, and people have judged me/him/us, (but mostly me) based on very few facts and a lot of conjecture.

 

How do wives do it? God only knows! It sure aint easy...

 

 

veronese

[GreenEyedLady]

V-Thank you for your post. You are insightful and painfully honest. I am sorry for your pain and wish you better times.

[veronese]

Thanks for your kind words. Our marriage is still 'a work in progress' and probably always be but is a whole heap calmer than it was and I'm much happier these days.

 

It's a shame this thread hasn't been able to give more insight and understanding for OW into the minds of BWs, but as is common here, the discussion has digressed away from the topic.

 

I have learned so much about OW through hearing their views and stories which has helped me understand both their situations and my one better. I hope that one or two OW understand BWs a little better too when they hear our side of the story.

 

We've all be hurt by our men, whether they be our H's or MM, and I for one have no idea if I am doing the right thing or not or if I am making a big mistake giving my H another chance.

 

But whatever happens I won't feel foolish for having tried my best to work things out. Statistics suggest that the odds are against me and that my H will cheat again (if he hasn't already), but so what? What will be, will be so what's the point in worrying about things when they haven't actually happened? (she says nonchalantly, disguising the anguish and suspicion that has been prevalent for two years!)

 

We do our best as women, that's all we can do.

 

v x

[Guest]

Newby, although I know you don't believe it, the ow started this mess by being deceitful to me. She portrayed herself (much as most mm portray themselves to ow) as a friend - simply a friend with absolutely NO ulterior motives. Every step to move beyond that friendship was initiated by her, not me.

 

 

 

And then you tripped and your penis fell into her vagina, right?

 

 

 

I agree with everything that Newby has said. She is so right-on!

[silktricks]

BWs don't actually know what the future holds when they decide to try and give their Hs another chance and when they do it usually entails several years of heartache and pain.

 

No-one knows the full extent of how bloody awful the last couple of years have been for me, no-one except for one or two people on LS who are going through it too, and people have judged me/him/us, (but mostly me) based on very few facts and a lot of conjecture.

 

How do wives do it? God only knows! It sure aint easy...

It's always nice to hear from you Veronese.

 

No, it sure isn't easy. Sometimes, in the middle of doing something really enjoyable, the memory of the betrayal will rear up and kick you right in the guts. The only thing I can say, is that at least it's happening less and less for me.

 

If it wasn't for the fact that I've seen my husband go through pain that seems to be on a par with my own over what he did, I don't think I'd have gotten as far as I have.

[Guest]

I spent all yesterday afternoon reading this Thread and I just wanted to say that I have never read anything in my life that has touched me like this has. I couldn't stop thinking about how everyone's lives here were affected by what happened even as I lay in bed last night trying to fall asleep.

 

I really do think that it was necessary for this thread to be created, so that everyone could share their experiences. I believe that its all about passing on knowledge learned through life's lessons even though some of those moments might be very painful. Casoria99, by sharing your story with us you have helped a lot of people to understand what it is like to be in the shoes of the OW. I applaud you for your courage and I wish you healing.

 

To all the other women who are survivors, such as Veronese (who I have been also following your story) and silktricks my heart goes out to you all. Although, I know the hell that you are enduring trying to put your life back together has not been easy, you are all heroes and honorable women who have inspired the rest of us to love unconditionally and to forgive from the heart. To all of you I wish you only happiness, peace and healing.

 

ManAlive and Bullhunter your insight into the male mind was very educational. However, I have to admit some of it was very shocking, cold blooded and downright scarey. Nonetheless it was reality and it needed to be told. I think every woman old enough to date should read and memorize manalives post about the thoughts and actions of a cheating man. Still it takes a very strong man to admit to his wrongs, to take responsibility for his mistakes and to take the steps necessary to right his actions and its no surprise to me that your wives have forgiven you both. I also wish you both the best.

 

Finally, while reading this thread has caused me to feel some reservations about entering into marriage. It has not in the least bit shaken my faith in the sanctity of the Institution of marriage or my belief that it is possible for two people who truly do love each other unconditionally to form a bond so strong that nothing can break the ties that bind it. God Bless you all!!

[newbby]

what a nice, happy, positive post!

[BUTAFLY]

 

And I also don't think they people who pose this question honestly want the answer from the wife. I believe that they pose this question on this forum because they want to hear other ow tell them the same things that they are already trying to convince themselves of.

 

QUOTE]

 

I agree with this. I posted a reply to the original question "how do wives do it" [stay with cheating husband's] as I thought the question was directed at BWs. I'm kind of sorry I wasted my time as I don't think anyone is particularly interested in hearing answers to the question.

 

BUTAFLY even wrote a list of reasons why a wife stays with her H and as far as I'm aware, BUTAFLY was the OW so with respect, how the hell would she know? All 8 of the reasons she list of BW's supposed 'excuses' were not true in my situation.

 

BWs may not like the OW very much and normally have a few negative feelings towards them but isn't that a completely natural reaction to have? Who wouldn't be a teeny weeny bit f**ked off with whoever had been sneaking around behind her back to see her husband?

 

That doesn't mean that the BW is blaming it all on the OW. We're not completely stupid you know.

 

We may not have known before but once we find out our H's are cheating we do see what lying little bastards they are. My H was having long term EAs with three women and had never told any of them they weren't his only 'special friend'. He wouldn't have seemed so nice if they knew. He didn't want them to find out either, he wanted them to continue believing him to be Mr. Nice Guy, loyal and dutiful to his wife and family who didn't mean to develop a friendship with them but couldn't help it when he they got on / connected / clicked with each other.veronese

 

Your post is filled with so much hurt and I am feel deeply sorry for you. However your misunderstanding what I am saying. Please try not to read it as a personal attack and feel you have to defend. I was not explaining why wives stay...I know every women has her OWN reasons for that. I was saying How Wifes do it. To me thats a completeing different question-that could easly be the same for the ow. I was offering a list of things I have heard. As I am sure you have YOUR OWN as Silk added to the list. This goes for everyone not only wives. I'm not going to explain again, I offered my explaination in previous posts perhaps you didn't read them.

[veronese]

 

Your post is filled with so much hurt and I am feel deeply sorry for you. However your misunderstanding what I am saying. Please try not to read it as a personal attack and feel you have to defend. I was not explaining why wives stay...I know every women has her OWN reasons for that. I was saying How Wifes do it. To me thats a completeing different question-that could easly be the same for the ow. I was offering a list of things I have heard. As I am sure you have YOUR OWN as Silk added to the list. This goes for everyone not only wives. I'm not going to explain again, I offered my explaination in previous posts perhaps you didn't read them.

 

Sorry BUTAFLY for any misunderstanding. I've read most of the thread but am always pushed for time so don't always remember who said what, when or why. I hope I haven't pissed you off too much

 

When I decided to try and work things out with my H I knew he may continue to lie to me (as many MM do to all the women in their lives), but until I find out different, I have to take it a day at a time and hope he's being honest.

 

Whether we stay together depends now on how good things are between us, not on what happened with his OW. Do we feel we want to be married to each other? Of course, if he wanders off again that would be an automatic decider!!

 

Also, I don't think I'm unusual as a BW is never wanting my H to stay with me out of guilt or reluctantly. I would NEVER want him to stay with me if he'd rather be with someone else. So if he had preferred one of his OW to me there was no reason for him not to go and be with them.

 

Like a lot of MM my H had to sever contact with his OW immediately after I found out, if he wanted to stay then that's what he had to do. If he didn't want that he was free to go. So if he has been truthful with me the 3 OW lost him out of the blue and weren't given closure, explanations or a goodbye.

 

I imagine it was hard for them as well as for him and I expect they thought badly of him (especially knowing he'd been lying to them too) to walk away from them like he did. But he had no choice really, he couldn't have all of us cos I wasn't prepared to share him with other women. I'm sure he would have liked to end things with them nicely, lovingly and affectionately but unfortunately he didn't have that privilege, unless of course he sneaked back later to say his goodbyes!

 

I hated those women at first, with a vengeance actually, but not as much as I hated him. I couldn't envisage a day when they wouldn't consume my every thought but that day did arrive finally when I stopped caring about them and moved on. Mind you if my H renewed his friendship with any of them I'd have pretty strong feelings about them!

 

V xx