Should I give up?

[Guest]

I dated a guy earlier this year for about a month and a half (short time, I know, but we're in our 30s, and we were seeing each other literally every single day--it was pretty intense pretty quickly). At the time, my ex was still heavily involved in my life, and after one fight over my spending time with him, the new guy broke up with me. While I didn't blame him, I was still really hurt. I chose to have no contact with him at all, more out of pride than anything else. I also stopped talking to the ex.

 

A couple of weeks ago, after about three months of no contact, we ran into each other and started talking. That turned into us hanging out a couple of nights and fooling around a little (no sex). Since then, he has e-mailed me at least once every day, but he hasn't called or asked me out again. He does ask me why I haven't called him, but I don't want to play that game--I figure since he walked away, he should be the one to come back, even if he did it because he thinks I messed up.

 

I'm about ready to let it go and go back to no contact. I do like the guy, but I'm not going to chase him when he hurt me once already. It's not like he has apologized or said he missed me (though he has asked me multiple times if I missed him). He told me in the past that he's stubborn and won't admit when he made a mistake or is sorry, but that's not enough for me. I don't want to be a backup girl or someone he messes around with when he's not dating anyone, and I'm afraid of falling into that.

 

What do you guys think? Am I right in letting it go?

[Devrapunzel]

I guess I'm curious as to what you want from this guy. Do you want to start dating again?

 

 

At the time, my ex was still heavily involved in my life, and after one fight over my spending time with him, the new guy broke up with me.

 

No offense, but it seems like his breaking up with you was justified. Why were you still "heavily involved with your ex" while also involved with this guy? You say that you're not going to "chase him when he hurt you once already". From where I'm sitting, it sounds like YOU hurt HIM. I don't think he has anything to apologize for or to admit he made a mistake. I think you do. Have you ever told him that you were sorry for spending time with the ex and that you are not in contact with the ex anymore? I'm not trying to make you feel bad, I'm just trying to have you see it a little more from his perspective.

[Guest]

I did really like him, so I probably would want to date him again, yes. I'm just wary.

 

I'm not offended. I know it sounds bad. The ex was still a big part of my life before I met this guy, as we were trying to do the friends thing. But after the new guy got so upset, I told him I wouldn't see the ex anymore. And I apologized so many times. The last week we dated, it was basically me asking how I can make things better and him acting cold and distant. Oh, and before the big fight, I had told him I told the ex I was dating someone new and that our friendship had to change. The new guy responded by telling me I was "scaring" him and putting pressure on us--even though he'd been asking me for weeks to tell the ex. It was very confusing and a hurtful reaction. It seemed like he thrived on the challenge. I worried that it was the thrill of the chase--that once he got me, he'd disappear. And when he broke up with me, I felt that was what he was doing--that he used the fight as an out. After all, I'd done what he asked.

 

He immediately started dating after he ended things, so he evidently wasn't too hurt. And I have told him I'm not talking to the ex anymore.

[jerbear]

1 month and half and you spent a night at the ex is justifiable for him to break up with you.

 

He did come back in a way by talking to you and emailing you. It was not his mistake or stubbornness to apolgize for your actions. Yes he broke up with you but it was justfied.

 

My opionion is give it another try and ask him out for a drink.