Separation? Good or bad.

[smacum06]

Hello all ... I am a first-time poster on here and really need some advice and guidance. My wife and I have been going through some rocky times and she is convinced that we need to separate and give ourselves some room to breathe in order to fix our relationship.

 

I am not too keen on this idea, and I'll explain why: I am not worried about her cheating or going outside of the marriage ... what I am worried about is that this time away will be too comfy and cozy for her and that it will be easier for her to stay away than to decide to come back, because deciding to come back means that we are going to work on being together, but staying away means no work. It's just an easy out and it will present itself to her in that way. I know her too well.

 

I know that the saying is "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" but in my experience it's more like "Absence makes th heart go yonder".

 

Does anyone here have experience with separations, and can maybe point me in the right direction or make me see the light? Are there any sites online that gives separation advice? Any help would be truly appreciated.

[Plato1969]

I was in the same boat as you, and my wife has left the house and moved into her own apartment (within the last week.) It's a real shock when someone takes that step, you can't seem to get over the depressive feelings that swamp you, and you feeling utterly hopeless. But, on the other hand, it's very hard to seriously work on problems when you are still living together. Honestly, I don't know if I would put as much effort into solving our marital problems if she was still living with me, day to day. There's a comfort zone there and I think that most people can't or won't do the work 100%, unless something drastic happens. Once it's real and you take that first step to being apart, it kicks you into overdrive. Of course, it's very painful (and still is) but if she loves you, and you love her, there is no reason why you can't reconcile.

 

If you can convince her to stay, you need to think about what I just said, and DO THE WORK!! Get counseling, go to marriagebuilders.com, read books, and start treating her the way you know she wants to be treated (and if you don't know, ask!!) Communicate your feelings and ask that she communicate them back. But DON'T GET LAZY. You could be thinking that you're doing all the right things, and in her mind, you may not. That's why open communication is so important, and is critical to keeping a marriage alive.

 

Just don't sit there, like I did, wishing you would have made the right decisions BEFORE she moved out. Make a statement and change NOW.

 

Good luck!

[GuySimple]

First off, welcome to LS. It has helped a lot of people go through some pretty rough and confusing times. It may not give you all the answers, or even the right ones, but it may make you think about your own situation a bit differently and that can be helpful.

 

I have been where you are and presently separated for almost a year now. I won't pretend to know what is going through you wife’s mind but I can guess that whatever it is, has been there for some time now. In other words she is probably a lot farther down the separation road than you are just by the simple fact that she suggested it. But you know you wife better than I, so you know how open she communicates or if she tends to leave things in for a while and let them simmer while she figures things out.

 

Regarding you comment about absence makes the heart grow fonder. In my opinion this phrase was first coined by someone who was not sure what they wanted but didn't want to hurt the other person. If you can't fix it while you are living together it is much more difficult to fix it while you are apart.

 

If you are looking for advice I suggest that you book an appointment with a councilor and go together. If she goes be prepared to open your mind and ears, and close your mouth. If she does not want to go and still wants to separate there is really not much you can do. A marriage is between two people and it doesn’t work well if one does not want to be there. In this case I would suggest keeping the appointment and you go alone.

 

I wouldn’t worry too much about her being too comfy and cozy. Unless her life is totally miserable with you she will also go through a huge sense of grief. Separation is a tough thing for everyone. If you have kids you need to put them first as tough as that might be sometimes.

 

But, marriages can be saved. It takes two committed people who what it to be saved though.

 

Oh, your councilor can refer you to some books after they talk to you and find out your exact situation. Be careful about running out and stocking up on information before meeting with someone who can assess your exact situation. You are also going to get asked by some (even on this site) if you suspect an affair or something equally bad. Also be careful with this. They don't know you or your wife or your whole situation. Don’t jump to conclusions. Sometimes people just do fall out of love.

 

Hope things work out.

[a4a]

Interesting........

 

I have moved out on 2 SO's....... it was beneficial for me to do so to remove them from my life with a little more ease.......these were LTRs not marriages.

 

Stating I needed space to figure things out made the complete separation much easier for me. Out of sight out of mind.

 

For me it is the stepping stone to completely ending contact with the person.

 

But that is me..... once I am out of the home I am out of the relationship.

[smacum06]

Thank you both so much for replying. I still don't have an answer, and I didn't expect to. I just wanted to reach out and get a sense that others are going through this type of thing too. I have to admit, it would have been nice to get a reply like, "Yeah, my wife and I separated and it did wonders for us. We're back together and happier than ever!" I guess that just doesn't seem to happen too much, and it really wouldn't mean squat as far as my situation goes ... all problems are different, and all couples deal with them in different ways.

 

I do really appreciate you reaching back to me, though. It's nice to know that there's someone out there listening ...

 

Take care guys.