Moving out of our bedroom...I've got to do something!

[gilbert]

HELP! To make a long story short, my marriage is in big trouble, (married 23 years, problems for the last 4). The last year has been the worst ever. It is not getting better. We have big talks that help for a few days then it's back to the usual problems that caused us to "sit down for a talk". Damn, I'm tired of talking. Now Iam ready for some action.

 

My thought today is to move out of our bedroom. I will not leave my home, kids or husband. We have an extra room. I really do not want to divorce and he says he doesn't either. So what do I do that can make a BIG statement?

 

Two weeks ago, If I had a place to go, I would have left because I was so mad at him. Instead I broke my cell phone by throwing it against the wall. Now I regret that because I liked my phone. Stupid, I know.

 

Iam so starved for affection, that I feel like I am physically dying. We have not had sex for the last 3 months. When he comes in from work I get the hello peck but that's it. If I complain about this, he says "at least I'm trying". Sounds like to me he is doing something that he doesn't want to do. Iam at my wits end. I feel like having my own room will at least give me a safe haven to go to. What do you think? Does anyone have suggestions on something I could do to make him take notice that Iam tired of this crap and am not going to take it any longer?

[a4a]

You could move his stuff out of your bedroom. I would not move mine out.

 

Have you gone to professional MC?

 

It sounds like he knows you will not leave... you're tolerant.

I would say you need to go to MC.....

 

I so hate the talks too...... fine for 48 hours then back to square one.

 

I love the " I will, I am trying, I want to, I am going to" lines......

 

Feels like you are wasting your breath doesn't it?

 

GAK!!!!

 

Sorry that is all I have at the moment........ hang in there.

[bunset]

This isn't about me, but maybe you can get some insight from this:

I've been married 16 years.

6 years ago had enough of a heated fight and he threw things, that I called 911 and he was in jail overnight I bailed him out. Got anger management counseling and MC. Staus quo, but no more threats of violence.

3 years ago more fights, he moved into spare bedroom. We are still intimate 4-5 times a year. Neither of us has discussed or pushed the issue of different bedrooms. Had many little arguments over this time, no resolution. I've been in IC(individual counseling) this whole time.

I'm done.....

I've made appointments for joint counseling, but mostly so I can make the divorce process less tumultuous. He doesn't know I'm ready to end it, NOW.

[Mz. Pixie]

I have been in your situation only I was married a shorter period of time.

 

I did everything I knew to do and he still wouldn't change.

 

I eventually had an affair, broke the affair off, separated from my H, divorced my H and found someone else who treats me better.

 

I even told mine "I will have an affair or leave you if you don't stay home and spend some time with me and work on our marriage". Didn't work.

 

Move his stuff out of the bedroom. Sit him down and tell him that you're tired of being told that he's trying. His trying ain't getting it. He can either go to marriage counseling or you're going to pursue your options. You don't have to tell him what the options are- as you don't want to divorce right now-but just tell him you'll explore them.

 

Have you ever tried staying out all night and not calling etc? I never tried that but I kind of wish I would have given him the ultimatium to go to counseling before I cheated.

 

A starving person can only go without food for so long before every piece of meat looks good so to speak. Be very careful who you are investing and spending time with right now.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Wow mx pixie, you just told my story!

 

Gilbert I agree you need to do something drastic. A peck on the cheek isn't "trying".

 

I wish I had advice, but I failed at trying to get my exH to come around ... all I can say is keep talking. Don't let him get away with avoiding the issue.

 

good luck.

[SmokieWoman]

HI Gilbert,

 

I think a big consideration is to decide if he is withholding affection for his own personal ammusement? Or possibly he has a low drive? Medical problem? I know from a friend whose husband withheld that if you don't use it you loose it. Basically it was explained to her that everyone needs bloodflow to expand the tissues, but if there is no swelling then the channels that recieve the blood cease to be elastic and the woody is no more. He is having to undergo injections directly into his penis 3x's/wk for at least 3 months to hopefully regain his use. It has been two months and some of it has come back - but not all.

 

Let it be a lesson to all.......and perhaps something that needs to be mentioned to your husband....at minimum he needs to masturbate in when not having sex.

 

You know, it surprises me how many men really don't care about making love. I see the posts and they tell the truth doesn't it? I used to think it was only a woman problem but nope, to my surprise it is not.

 

SmokieWoman