can I ever trust him??? Need advice desperately.

[cesca]

Ok, here is my situation. I am 28 and currently dating a 38 year old. First of all, we work directly together, but that is not an issue for us. The problem is I do not trust him at all. I started sleeping with him about a month ago, at which point we had never discussed exclusivity. I just assumed that since we were very into being together, he would not screw around.

 

About two weeks ago, I was at his place, and discovered a condom missing, among other signs a female had been over. After prodding him, him telling me lies, he claims he had a one night fling with an ex girlfriend. They apparently met up and had drinks, and one thing led to another. He claims he needed closure, it will never happen again, and that we never had an "exlusive" discussion, which is true. He also said he was never going to tell me, because it was not important, and he has no feeligs for her. I forgave him for it. He is going through a difficult time with his career, and recently ended a very very bad 3 year relationship. I am not making excuses for him.

 

So, after that incident we agreed to be exlusive. However, after that happend, I met him one night at bar with his friends. He was trashed out of his mind, and went to the bathroom, and never came back to me. I found him at the other side of the bar with two girls hanging all over him. He was so drunk, he didn't even realize I was there, and I could not get him to leave the bar when I became IRATE with him. Anyhow, after a fight and a few days of me being furious at his druken stupor and flirting, he explained to me that he has not been that drunk in ages, and that he promised he will never get that drunk again.

 

Over this past weekend, we had a long talk, and he has told me he realizes that he would like to settle down, get married and have kids. He says it is time for him to grow up. Is this a good sign?? How do I know he is sincere, and not just using me? We have a great time when we are together, but I can't seem to get over his drunken night, and the fact that he slept with someone, and was never going to tell me. I keep telling him I can't trust him and he continues to beg me to give him a chance to prove himself and keeps trying to convince me he is loyal and wants to be with me and no one else. Trust is everything. Should I trust him and risk getting heart broke?

 

Should I give him the benefit of the doubt in light of the fact that he is having a hard time career wise and getting over his ex?? (the ex he slept with is not the ex he just broke up with) Which brings me to another thought, who was he really with that night?? Was it an ex, or some girl he picked up in bar?

 

I am so frustrated and confused, I want to trust him and give him my all, but I am so terrified of being duped and hurt. Every time I try to break it off, he begs me not to end it, and gets so angry with me, and I can't let go. Can you relate out there to my dilemma? I am crazy about this man, I need advice. Thanks for reading my long post, and I would appreciate feedback. Maybe I am just a stupid, love sick fool. Is there a chance with this man?

[midori]

It would be nice to be able to safely assume that someone who's into being with you will want to be with you exclusively. And when you're dealing with someone who is mature, honorable and responsible I think that generally is a safe assumption.

 

But you're not dealing with someone who is mature, honorable and responsible.

 

You say:

I am not making excuses for him.

Yes you are. However drunk he gets and however infrequent that might be, however difficult his previous relationship was and however strong his need for closure with that "ex" was, his behavior was categorically unacceptable. You've been together for a month and he's already slept with someone else? Do you need someone to tell you that is not all right? You know it isn't, and to whitewash things just so you can justify staying in the relationship is only wishful thinking -- it doesn't mitigate things one bit. This man is disrespectful, irresponsible and far too presumptuous. Who in the world does he think he is to ask anyone to tolerate being deceived, ignored and shouted at as it suits his whim? Who is he to ask you to bear with him while he gets his priorities straightened out?

 

You say:

Over this past weekend, we had a long talk, and he has told me he realizes that he would like to settle down, get married and have kids. He says it is time for him to grow up. Is this a good sign??

Only if he puts his money where his mouth is.

How do I know he is sincere, and not just using me?

You can't, not at first. Only time will tell if he's serious and determined enough to make the transition to become a full-fledged grown-up.

 

This guy sounds like a classic user: angst-ridden, full of excuses (his faltering career, his messy relationship history), no backbone -- and no intention of getting one anytime soon. Sure, he's full of good intentions, but in the month you've been with him you've seen repeatedly that he never lives up to them. I'd say chances are good that, having used you and betrayed your trust already (and having been forgiven for doing so), he won't be able to make the changes he needs to with you. For one thing, why should he change when you're willing to accept him as he is and even go so far as to make excuses for him?

 

People who are afraid of intimacy, commitment, etc. are very often operating with ideals in mind -- ideal relationships, ideal partners, and ideal versions of themselves. They set impossible standard for themselves and their relationships, and once they fail to meet those standards (as is inevitable), they write off the other person/relationship as flawed -- and they can then justify to themselves doing hurtful, disrespectful things to that other ("less than ideal") person.

 

To be honest, based on what you've said I can't see any happiness for you in the long run with this guy. But if you're determined to keep on trying with him, I'd advise you to stop making excuses for him and demand that he behave as he ought to with you. Immediately. Be implacable. How dare he put your health at risk by sleeping with other women? How dare he insult you by coming on to other women in your presence, by ignoring you in front of these other women, and by basically denying your relationship when it suits him? No one with a modicum of self-respect will tolerate that for a minute.

 

You might have understanding and insight into his situations, but that does NOT mean that you should either make excuses for him or accept the feeble ones he offers you. To expect less of him than you would expect from any other friend or loved one is to implicitly infantalize him. You're saying, basically, that he's not capable of being better than he is. Now if that's the case, why are you with him? If it's not, how can you accept less than his best efforts?

 

But really, my advice is to get out and keep away from this selfish man.

[Tony T]

1. "He says it is time for him to grow up. Is this a good sign??"

 

He's 38 and he says it's time for him to grow up. Does he get his calendars from Dynfunctional Families International? If both of you were much younger, I might buy off on this crap but you are much too old to go around waiting for men to grow up.

 

2. How do I know he is sincere, and not just using me?

 

You won't know for a year or two. This guy has majorly screwed up several times. He went to bed with someone...who knows...while he was seeing you. He takes you out and then hangs out with two other ladies. Doesn't even sound remotely sincere to me.

 

Is he using you? No, I wouldn't say that. Taking you for a fool? Yeah, more like it...if you believe his bull.

 

3. We have a great time when we are together, but I can't seem to get over his drunken night, and the fact that he slept with someone, and was never going to tell me.

 

It could take you a very long time to get over that. I personally might never get over it if it was me. That's pretty heavy duty stuff. Cut yourself some slack.

 

You can get a dog and have a pretty good time with it...and I promise it won't cheat on you...unless there's another dog nextdoor.

 

4. "I keep telling him I can't trust him and he continues to beg me to give him a chance to prove himself and keeps trying to convince me he is loyal and wants to be with me and no one else."

 

Wow, he has a pretty good method of proving himself, doesn't he?

 

5. "Trust is everything. Should I trust him and risk getting heart broke?"

 

Yes, if you trust him you will risk a broken heart. Aren't there any other guys around where you live? Is this the only one? Are they all like this?

 

Relationships are hard enough as it is. Why start out with both hands tied behind your back while you're sinking in quick sand???

 

6. "Should I give him the benefit of the doubt in light of the fact that he is having a hard time career wise and getting over his ex??"

 

Only if you're a real sucker. Having a hard time is no excuse for doing what he's done to you. I mean this guy got plowed, excused himself, and went over to flirt with two other chicks...while he was out with you!!!!! If God wanted to give you a better hint about this guy, He would appear before you and part the Mississippi.

 

7. "(the ex he slept with is not the ex he just broke up with) Which brings me to another thought, who was he really with that night??"

 

Bring me a DNA sample of your beloved boyfriend and each of these girls and I will tell you when the results get back. If you find the missing condom, that may suffice for both him and his partner that night.

 

8. "Was it an ex, or some girl he picked up in bar?

 

Are you hearing yourself? You are actually asking a question like that and, in the same post, wanting to know if you should give this guy another chance???

 

9. "I am so frustrated and confused, I want to trust him and give him my all, but I am so terrified of being duped and hurt."

 

I want to win the lottery. You have a much better chance of being duped and hurt than I have of winning the lottery. I don't know if I'm jealous or what. I think you have already been duped...but I have to buy a lottery ticket before I can see if I've won. Dam!!!

 

10. "Every time I try to break it off, he begs me not to end it, and gets so angry with me, and I can't let go."

 

Well, now, you are saying that you are forever welded at the beltbuckle to this drunken, cheating man who you do not trust. Sounds like you are cursed for all time. Why not take a course in assertiveness? Better yet, get a baseball bat and slam him a good home run.

 

11. "Can you relate out there to my dilemma?"

 

Yeah. I used to put up with this kind of crap, but from women. The more I came back for their crap, the more they gave me. I wanted their love more than anything. The more I put up with, the more they disrespected me and the more they crushed me into the pavement. That's why I relate big time and am hoping you get your wits about you.

 

This guy will use you and abuse you until you are half dead if you let him. You haven't seen a fraction of what he's capable of until you've been around him a while longer. Take a pen and pad around and take notes. At least you can write a book when you finally get it in your head you're in for a dusting.

 

12. "I am crazy about this man, I need advice. Thanks for reading my long post, and I would appreciate feedback. Maybe I am just a stupid, love sick fool. Is there a chance with this man?"

 

There is no way you can be crazy about this man but you can certainly be crazy...just like I used to be.

 

I wouldn't say you're stupid, and I wouldn't say you're a love sick fool. You just want to be loved like everybody else but you seem to be attracted to the buttholes like a lot of women are until they finally get their final licking.

 

Go take a cold shower and read your post again. It's pretty sickening, pathetic. You are a very sweet lady who probably came from very abusive roots and haven't yet learned that abuse does not equal love. If you don't look out for yourself, respect yourself, and demand honesty and loyalty...you'll always end up with bums like this guy.

[Laurynn]

I better preface this by saying that the following is only my opinion, and you are free to do as you choose. Again, this is only my opinion.

 

Here goes...

 

There are huge red flags here, and I mean huge.

 

First of all, if he's very recently out of a "very very bad" 3 yr relationship, he's definitely not ready to be hopping into another relationship. The chances of you being his 'rebound girl' are very high. Just out of curiosity, do you happen to know the reasons his past relationship ended? (let me guess, he painted this picture of his ex being terrible, horrible, it was all her fault, she treated him badly, bla bla bla...am I right?).

 

Secondly, this grown man (at 38, he's not some silly naive kid) is the King of Excuses. He made excuses as to why he had a one night stand (how do you know for sure it wasn't with the Ex he recently broke up with?????).....he made excuses for why he didn't plan on telling you....and he made even more pitiful excuses for why he was plastered out of his pumpkin at the bar/treating you like crap there, and flirting it up with the women there.

 

Oh, so his job is tough and stressful and he's getting over a very very tough relationship. Boohoo, cry me a river. These are NOT legitimate reasons to:

 

a) cheat

 

b) act like a horse's a$$ at the bar

 

c) be ANGRY at you when you try to break up with him (geezus, how dare he! The NERVE of him!)

 

Big deal....the fact that you two didn't have the 'exclusivity discussion'.....it obviously seemed clear to you that you and he were a serious couple. I'm 34, have been in several long term (and short term) relationships over my life, including a marriage, and there was never the need for a discussioin about exclusivity.......as we got to know each other, and were definitely developing a close friendship/feelings for each other/were spending lots of quality time together, etc...there was an unwritten/unspoken agreement that we were a "couple" and that we wouldn't be dating anyone else. I could be wrong, but I think it's like this for most people who start dating/start a relationship.

 

The fact that he tries to wangle his way out of the fact that he cheated, by saying you two hadn't officially verbalized an agreement to see each other exclusively, is a load of manure. It's simply an 'excuse', and a poor one at that.

 

This guy sounds like a player and a party boy....and someone who obviously can't hold his liquor all that well (or maybe him getting plastered like that isn't such a rarity?). Maybe if he was 20 yrs old, I might look at this situation differently....but he's damn near 40 and acting like a punk.

 

Now he's fearing he'll lose you, so he's manipulating you big time, by throwing in the "I want to settle down" stuff. Yeah, right. He's no more ready to settle down that you are to fly to the moon. Men that are ready to settle down generally don't act like he does, particularly at his age.

 

And again, I REALLLLLLY dislike the fact that he gets angry at you, when you tell how you feel about all this, and that you're thinking of ending things. That says so many things:

 

1) He's trying to twist things around to take the focus off of his bad actions, and make YOU out to be the bad guy here.

 

2) He has the potential to be a controller....someone with an anger problem, particularly when he's not getting his own way.

 

3) He's got balls bigger than his brains....to have the audacity to object (err, be angry) to the fact that you don't find his behavior appropriate in a relationship. You have every right in the world to feel the way you do, and you shouldn't be put onto a guilt trip/manipulation trip for doing so.

 

You don't trust him and I don't blame you at all. If this is how things are in the beginning, they can only get worse. In the beginning of a relationship, if anything, people are usually on their very best behavior.....dotting every "i" and crossing every "t"......being very considerate/attentive/respectful/honest/etc etc. He's definitely not off to a good start.

 

I also don't like the fact that had you not found the condom and other evidence that a woman had been at his place, that he wasn't going to tell you.....with the belief that it didn't matter/it wasn't important/he didn't have feelings for her anyway. Oh.....so is that his motto in life? He gets to decide what his partner gets to know and doesn't know? So does this mean that if he cheats again, he again won't tell you?

 

Does this mean that from this point on, you have to start playing detective, because you don't trust him, and you feel you have to snoop through his place to find any possible evidence of him having cheated? If so, that's no way to live your life, or be in a HEALTHY relationship. That's just putting yourself through hell, and I've been there.

 

What about the fact that he's put your health at risk? Yes, condoms do HELP to prevent the spread of sexually transmitted diseases, but they aren't 100% effective. People can have Herpes on areas of their body, other than area that would be protected by a condom (thighs, buttocks, backs, etc). Does he know this chick he slept with doesn't have Herpes? Could you now be at risk for something?

 

Did the condom break? Did they have sex more than once and he not use a condom each time?

 

Based on what you've written, I don't see many good qualities in this schmuck. I see someone who's immature, who makes excuses, who doesn't take responsibility for his actions, who puts you on guilt trips, who feeds you lines (settling down) of BS to keep you from leaving him, who feels that cheating is 'no big deal' as long as he doesn't have feelings for the chick he banged, and he's just recently out of a relationship that he no doubt claims to have played NO part in the demise of same.

 

LOSER LOSER LOSER.

 

RUN. As fast as you can.

 

Once trust is broken early in a relationship, I personally believe it's damn near impossible to ever regain. You will never be able to fully trust him. You will always be worrying and wondering. You will always be counting the condoms to see if any are missing. When he's out without you, you'll always be wondering if he's at a bar, p*ssed out of his tree and trying to pick up chicks.

 

You're free to do what you choose, but I can tell you from experience with this exact kind of guy, that if you remain with him, be prepared for months of hell, tears and stress.

 

L

[Lilly]

I recently had a 4 month 'thing' with a guy JUST like this.

 

In the end he admitted he had been using, lying and manipulating me... he wanted my company (so he didn't have to deal with feelings about ex) and the pleasure of sex. Sure he apologised (which does not mean his is now in my life) but the fact remains he knew exacly what he was doing. No bones about it. He didn't tell me anything I hadn't already picked up... I knew what was really going on at a deeper level, as you now do.

 

What I learnt... stay well away from men on the rebound (yup, same story), when someone TELLS you and SHOWS you who and what they are, believe them the FIRST time. I also clearly saw how spot on my instincts where every step of the way. This is where your confusion is coming from, deep down you know the answer to your question, you can't trust him, it's clear as day... your whole being knows it, your instinct is screaming at you, but you are going against it which is why you are confused and stressed.

 

Your guy, as did mine from the start, has already SHOWN you he's immature, a liar, a flirt, probably a cheat, he's TOLD you he has growing up to do (at 38 I wonder if that's EVER going to happen, don't be a complete fool and think it's going to be any different with you) which implies he has commitment issues. He's giving you 'hooks' to keep you around, oh is he ever! (wants to settle down, marriage, kids)... believe it or not that's manipulation, he's telling you what you want to hear. People don't change overnight, from what you've said this guy has a long, long way to go in growing up let alone settling down. He's good, he knows what he's doing.

 

I was exactly where you where... instinct yelling at me that this guy is NOT for me, don't trust him, he's using you. Know what one thing I stuck with mentally, know what one thing I used that he told me (his hook, his manipulation) to justify all this behaviour in my head, to forgive his sorry ass, to keep going with it? HE'S just broken up with someone, HE'S taking things slow emotionally with me, HE'S sorting his career and his life out... give him a chance, give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

All I can say is this: forget what he's telling you, what he's doing or not doing. Do what's best for YOU, YOUR wants, YOUR needs. No one else, just YOU. Your terror is there for a reason, listen to it. DO WHAT'S BEST FOR YOU!.

 

You are pretty hooked into this guy emotionally so don't be too hard on yourself if you have to ride this out for awhile longer before you get it.

 

It's been a good lesson for me. I am back to a point now where I KNOW what I deserve and if I'm not getting it then I WALK AWAY. That's where you need to be. You deserve better, believe it.

 

Give us an update at some point, if you would.

 

Best wishes

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "He's got balls bigger than his brains..."

 

Hasn't anybody ever told you what we guys think with???

[Sapphira]

Once a cheater, always a cheater. Get yourself out of this relationship as soon as possible. I don't forsee him changing his cheating habits anytime soon. Kick him to the curb and don't look back.

[Lauren]

Trust is key in any relationship. Honestly, there is not reason to continue with this man if you cannot trust him. It sounds like he cannot trust himself. You are both old enough to know what you want out of a relationship and what it takes to have a successful relationship. Waiting around for this man to get his "act together" will either result in a VERY LONG wait or he may never reach that point at all. I would suggest honestly sitting down with yourself and going over every aspect of this relationship and contemplating if it is really worth it.

 

Ok, here is my situation. I am 28 and currently dating a 38 year old. First of all, we work directly together, but that is not an issue for us. The problem is I do not trust him at all. I started sleeping with him about a month ago, at which point we had never discussed exclusivity. I just assumed that since we were very into being together, he would not screw around. About two weeks ago, I was at his place, and discovered a condom missing, among other signs a female had been over. After prodding him, him telling me lies, he claims he had a one night fling with an ex girlfriend. They apparently met up and had drinks, and one thing led to another. He claims he needed closure, it will never happen again, and that we never had an "exlusive" discussion, which is true. He also said he was never going to tell me, because it was not important, and he has no feeligs for her. I forgave him for it. He is going through a difficult time with his career, and recently ended a very very bad 3 year relationship. I am not making excuses for him. So, after that incident we agreed to be exlusive. However, after that happend, I met him one night at bar with his friends. He was trashed out of his mind, and went to the bathroom, and never came back to me. I found him at the other side of the bar with two girls hanging all over him. He was so drunk, he didn't even realize I was there, and I could not get him to leave the bar when I became IRATE with him. Anyhow, after a fight and a few days of me being furious at his druken stupor and flirting, he explained to me that he has not been that drunk in ages, and that he promised he will never get that drunk again.

 

Over this past weekend, we had a long talk, and he has told me he realizes that he would like to settle down, get married and have kids. He says it is time for him to grow up. Is this a good sign?? How do I know he is sincere, and not just using me? We have a great time when we are together, but I can't seem to get over his drunken night, and the fact that he slept with someone, and was never going to tell me. I keep telling him I can't trust him and he continues to beg me to give him a chance to prove himself and keeps trying to convince me he is loyal and wants to be with me and no one else. Trust is everything. Should I trust him and risk getting heart broke?

 

Should I give him the benefit of the doubt in light of the fact that he is having a hard time career wise and getting over his ex?? (the ex he slept with is not the ex he just broke up with) Which brings me to another thought, who was he really with that night?? Was it an ex, or some girl he picked up in bar? I am so frustrated and confused, I want to trust him and give him my all, but I am so terrified of being duped and hurt. Every time I try to break it off, he begs me not to end it, and gets so angry with me, and I can't let go. Can you relate out there to my dilemma? I am crazy about this man, I need advice. Thanks for reading my long post, and I would appreciate feedback. Maybe I am just a stupid, love sick fool. Is there a chance with this man?