Does anyone feel the same way I do about this ...her with my man

[john2776]

Drkhairbeauty it is all over. Don't put yourself through another day of this. It really sucks when things don't work out with a person that you LOVE. But in my opinion it would be a huge mistake to continue in any way with this idiot of a boyfriend you have. Make a clean break and move on with your life. You deserve much better. Good luck and God bless.

[RecordProducer]

Dark-hair-beauty, I think you're exaggerating al this because he and she are younger than you. He has no reason to be with you unless he loves you so stop nagging.

[brightskies]

Hi drkhairbeauty,

 

There's a lot going on here: your insecurity because he's spending so much time with her, the fact that she's young, attractive, and capable, the fact that he won't draw a line with spending time with her, the fact that he won't defend you when his family attacks (his sister is such a bitch!), the fact that he doesn't seem to care enough about your feelings to make some concessions for you and make you feel more, not less, secure --- instead he taunts you about her. All very bad signs.

 

Based on your descriptions, it sounds like your bf DOES enjoy her company. And all his talk about this girl "getting on his nerves" is just pre-emptive and done to calm you down, to keep you in the dark. I get the sense that he IS attracted to her. Of course he's going to deny it to you, and he may even be denying it to himself. And I get the sense that she knows what effect she has on him. It's possible that she's being an annoying, hanger-on of a "kid," oblivious that "she's getting on his nerves," or oblivious to the stress that she's causing to your relationship, but I doubt that. She wouldn't hang around so much if he didn't give her an incentive to do so, and your bf isn't telling her to back off.

 

I can somewhat relate to your situation and it sucks. In my situation, however, I'm the younger, new gf, and the problem is an older woman who is EVERYWHERE in his life. And my bf is blind to this and can't seem to understand why it upsets me. Duh. I think it's more like he's reluctant to rock the boat but is slooowly making some changes. However, IF my bf were as solidly stubborn as your guy I seriously think I would walk away --- but he's starting to see the light and we're working on it. I've been through something similar before where the guy wanted the extra female attention. Believe me, the trouble is going to wear you down and the stress isn't worth it.

 

As for your guy, he's protecting her, not you and your relationship with him. That is a huge problem and speaks volumes about his attitude towards you, i.e., his feelings for you may be waning. I second the motion on rethinking your relationship.

[drkhairbeauty]

RECORD PRODUCER: No. Not exagerating and not nagging. The age isn't the reason. I've explained why this girl is bothering me. It's a feeling I can't shake.

 

EVERYONE ELSE/BRIGHTSKIES: Thank you for the advice. He called me at 430 this morning. He was already working. He didn't think I was going to answer. He said that he was going to leave me a voice mail. He said that he loves me and just wanted to tell me that and he wants to see me. The past couple days I haven't called him, or picked up the phone. So, he asked "where I've been" and "how come I never called him back" I told him I was working that's why. I didn't say much and didn't say I love you back to him. I let him tell me that and then we hung up. I can not keep this up with this person. I cant go back knowing that his sister just told me that I'm not welcome in the family anymore...bla bla and not once has he even mentioned the fact about his sister or even apologized for anything. I am sick of the stress and no compromise. I never asked him to tell the girl to leave work. That's insane. I know she works there. I just told him my feelings and left it up to him to do whatever. At least keep her at a little distance but NO. I feel somewhat better this morning. I'm not AS mad, but still pretty upset. I am just picturing an entire audience while his sister was chewing me a new ass and you can bet that the drew girl was sitting right there.

[Max Overclock]

So, he asked "where I've been" and "how come I never called him back" I told him I was working that's why. I didn't say much and didn't say I love you back to him. I let him tell me that and then we hung up.

 

Well, I understand to a point why you told him that, but to be honest, I think you should have let him know even more clearly that you needed time to yourself to do some thinking about everything that has happened and that has been said.

 

If and when you talk to him regarding a break or complete breakup, you're going to have to get him to meet you soon, on a sort of "neutral ground" somewhere. Not the shop, not your place or his, but somewhere neutral ... know what I mean?

 

Clearly, you're going to have to let him know what you want to do. I think (and these are only my thoughts, I'm not in the situation) that the main things for you to mention are that:

 

(1). There seems to be a complete lack of communication and understanding between you both where it comes to Drew's presence and place in his life.

 

Let him know that, for your part, you won't go on feeling the way you do about the situation. Tell him that you can imagine that perhaps he's been quite frustrated with your reaction to Drew as well. Tell him that you know she's practically part of their family, and that's fine, but in the end you feel how you feel. Let him know that what his sister said to you about the whole mess was not only very troubling, but way out of line as well. Tell him that you're not completely convinced that she (Drew) doesn't know what this is causing. She may herself have unvoiced feelings, and then again she may not. He may have almost subconscious feelings for Drew, and he may not. But, you can't go on feeling this way in any case.

 

(2). You don't feel in tune with the type of work they all do at the shop, and that when you've tried to become more involved, it seems to have ended in nothing but frustration for him and for yourself.

 

Tell him that now, you would practically feel humiliated being there, and that since so much of his time and heart are in the business, maybe there's a great part of him that you'd never be able to truly experience the way you would like to.

 

(3). You need to arrange for the exchange of any of each other's possessions and arrange to see about what to do with your car. (That he was fixing).

 

I can not keep this up with this person. I cant go back knowing that his sister just told me that I'm not welcome in the family anymore...bla bla and not once has he even mentioned the fact about his sister or even apologized for anything.

 

This is interesting, you know ... almost in a morbid fashion. Let me direct your attention to a couple of quotes from what you said earlier this month:

 

7th July 2006 - Post#5:

"He does say that she gets on his nerves and all that. It might be true. He also says that He doesn't know what to do about all this with her. last night he said "well why don't you just tell her that you have a problem with her"..kind of sarcastic like. if I did that, then his mom and sister would probably think I'm a **** She is close to the family you know."

 

Well, I have a feeling things are really going to get on his nerves now. The blessing in it all is that I think they need to. The amount that he contributes to the problem, or that Drew is, or that you are ... well, it's all almost peripheral. The communication and trust issues are the main problem here. Seems that the underlined portion came true without you having to say a word to Drew.

 

Well, to be fair, I guess we still don't know what his mom would think about all this...

 

9th July 2006 - Post#14

"His sister is such a wonderful person. She's sees the best in everyone...I really don't want her mad at me or their family."

 

She appears to have taken a major turn around somewhere, girl. To be honest though, I wonder does she really know the story from both perspectives. Had you both ever talked about it? How much does your BF even know about what she said to you. One can only speculate.

 

I am sick of the stress and no compromise. I never asked him to tell the girl to leave work. That's insane. I know she works there. I just told him my feelings and left it up to him to do whatever. At least keep her at a little distance but NO.

 

Good that you're seeing that like you are. The thing is, even now, I don't know how well he could open distance for himself with her working so closely with him at the business on projects, anyway? No question he could cut out some of the social interactions with her outside work, but could he logistically distance himself enough from her, given their work circumstances? Again, you would know better than I would. They do seem to spend a lot of time working together. I dunno. Seems to be a really awkward situation.

 

I'm not AS mad, but still pretty upset. I am just picturing an entire audience while his sister was chewing me a new ass and you can bet that the drew girl was sitting right there.

 

Well, don't worry yourself with perhaps false imaginings. This may not have happened in public. In fact, I would hope not. If it was done like that, it would be completely inexcusable. I'm hoping his sister had a little more tact than that. Given what she said though, I dunno.

 

In any case, you need to make your own decisions on this. We can give all the advice we want, but, in the end, you need to be happy and content with whatever YOU decide.

 

Penny for your thoughts on it all ... have you come to any decisions? Has there been any other contact between you over the course of the day?

 

Let us know how things are.

[drkhairbeauty]

No. There's been no other contact since 430 this morning. I'm kind of feeling like he's gonna show up tonight. He said he wanted to see me that he missed me. That was this morning.

 

I understand that the work part with Drew would be kind of hard to distance but the truck thing is what threw me. Why couldn't he have just mentioned it to me after I've been telling him that her presence more and more into his personal life is troubling me. He always said "she just WORKS for me". After getting a lot of good advice from all of you, I was dealing with evrything pretty well until I see her driving his truck. Not good.

 

His sister and I just had a great conversation about a week ago. We were in the mountains and my bf was on his dirt bike and we were driving his truck back on the dirt road just talking. I explained the situation with Drew and how I was feeling and she was sooooo understanding. I even told her that its not that I am thinking that they are bangin each other its more of that I was worried that feelings would eventually develop with working so closely together all the time. She even said that her brother and I have such a great relationship and that we are so good for eachother and yada yada....I felt really good after that. She understood me.

 

THEN the other day with the truck thing. Whew. I called him at work and asked him (you know the story) about it. I guess he came out of the shop and said "well my gf's mad at me" and I'm sure he mentioned why. He must have left. She called me beginning the conversation with "you are such a fuc*** bit**". Then she told me that I am mistreating her brother and we should break up and yada yada ...

 

So you see, it was only a week ago that she and I had a great conversation about a whole lotta stuff. She was even telling me about a dream that she had about having a baby. I told her "yeah, as I get older my clock is ticking and the countdown begins and I wouldn't mind having a baby". This was just mentioned in conversation. i really didn't mean anything by it. We laughed and bla bla...

 

Well, on that phone call when she was telling me off she also said "you mentioned that you wanted a baby"! "My brother is not ready for that" and "you better not trap him". HA HA HA I couldn't believe that! We've been together for three years. If I wanted to do it I would have but I'm not that kind of person. She was such a rag.

 

ANYWAYS... I don't think my bf will ever be able to have regard for my feelings. I think he takes me for granted. I think that no matter what he does to me he feels that I will always stick around. Not the case now.

[brightskies]

What the hell's the deal with his sister? How old is she? Sounds like she's overly protective and way too involved in your business. That was vicious how she turned on you after the truck incident. You'd think that if she were genuinely understanding to begin with, she'd let you and your bf deal with the situation yourselves. She has no right butting in the way she did, even if the girl is a family friend. What a total bitch!!! Especially after you confided in her?! And yet for the past 3 years you and the sister were getting along? How bizarre. I can understand her concern for your bf but your relationship with him is a private matter between him and you. Anyway, I'm glad that you're putting your foot down. Your bf sounds like an inconsiderate ass and his sister's very uncool. I hope that you find someone who treats you better and whose family welcomes you.

[drkhairbeauty]

She's 30. She's two years older than her brother. Yeah, it was a complete 180 on her part. She told me that Drew is a part of their lives whether I like it or not. She yelled that one. I'm ok with her being in their lives just not movin in on my bf. I started feeling a little down a few minutes ago. I guess I'm feeling a little less angry and now everything is finally settling. Then i start thinking of my bf and start feeling a little calmer about things....thinking maybe I'll just have a talk with him...AND THEN I remember what his sister said and go through all the thoughts again and I get miffed. It's the weirdest thing how she went off on me. She said things I couldn't even believe. How backstabbing. You are right. She should have let us deal with it and not get involved. her brother is a grown man and capable (so I thought) of handling things himself. It's already 7 pm. I last heard from him around 430 am. If it were so important to him he'd be freakn out trying to get a hold of me. I dunno. Maybe I'm wrong there. I wonder if the girl (Drew) worked with him today and I WONDER WHAT THE HELL THEY TALKED ABOUT! HA:mad:

[drkhairbeauty]

ok. I'm just curious. How many women out there would be miffed like I am. Would you be upset that it wasn't mentioned when another girl would be driving your mans beloved baby of a vehicle for a couple days? I'm just curious. Something I'd like to know. This freakn phone call from sister just made me look like a psycho. Just curious so please answer. Thanks.

[brightskies]

I was driving back to work yesterday and saw this girl driving my bf's beloved 69 GMC through town. Needless to say I was pissed off. He has two trucks. This one is his "baby". I had to pull teeth to use this truck one time for work and then I see her driving it.

 

Something's fishy. He hems and haws when YOU, his gf of 3 years, needs to borrow his favorite truck one time, but he doesn't think twice about letting his shop elf borrow it for a few days? Why doesn't he drive it himself and lend her his regular truck? In fact, why lend her a truck at all, why can't she hitch a ride from her immediate family or borrow a family car? If I were in your shoes I definitely wouldn't like it. Your bf is being far too accommodating towards someone that he insists "gets on his nerves." Bulls*it alert. Point is, he's an ass and he's not treating you well. A lot of people here already agree.

[Curt]

I've always been a believer in giving another person the benefit of the doubt. I have to admit that I am perplexed by some of this, to be honest.

 

I guess I'm like yourself in a way, drkhairbeauty ... y'know ... trying to give the other person a fair chance and all ... but ... <sigh>

 

Sorry to be negative, but something is seriously outta whack here ... the sister's behavior is way odd ... the BF is somewhat insensitive ... and Drew ... she's keepin' her cards close to her chest.

 

I mean, she won't even pick up her cell phone to talk to you. If I were in her position, I'd be crackin' my neck to reassure you that nothing was going on. Weird. She's either scared stupid of ya, or she's hidin' something and is being evasive.

 

IMHO, You both need a break to look at this from all angles

 

What I'm most sorry for though, is the fact that after 3 years, you guys have come to this. I gotta say ... tis stuff like this that makes a single person really do a lot of thinking about relationships. I'm sorry ... for everyone concerned, actually. It's tragic IMHO.

 

Drkhairbeauty, have you been able to think about what to do at all? I know you must be reeling, girl, but you need to know where your head is on all this so that when the meeting between him and yourself goes down, you'll have some idea of what to do.

 

Again, I'm sorry.

[Jana]

What is the udate of your situation?

 

Are you OK?

[drkhairbeauty]

Well...I didn't talk with him or answer his calls, as you all know, for a few days. He called me that one time at 430 in the morning to leave me a msg that he loves me..I answered. I mentioned all that in previous posts. I was still angry. The last time I saw him before all this happened was Tuesday morning when he left my house.

 

Friday morning I text him and just told him that I love him more than anything and that in the end I just feel the way I feel and I can't change it and that I'm sure he was a little frustrated too and that I needed a little time to just take everything in. Ok. Friday night I was missing him. I text him and told him I needed him with me. (to come down). I didn't really expect anything because sometimes he doesn't get his text's. I was weak. Yes. Stupid? yes. No call even by the next morning.

 

I work Saturday. I text him and said "I'd be working alone today and would like him to meet me for lunch my treat". I got no reply. That was at 8 am Sat. Well, about 1230 in the afternoon I get a text from him saying "on my way to Livermore sorry about lunch". He never texts me. That was a shock. I called him. He said that he was just telling everyone to Fuc* off and was going to LIvermore for the night and get his bike fixed and stay at a hotel and just be by himself. I said that we needed to see where we were at and not keep ignoring each other. He agreed. He asked me where I was at with everything and I shortly explained my plight about the disregard for my feelings. I asked him where he was at with everything..he said "I just don't see it getting any better". I agreed. He said that I am taking this to easy and that I must have about 8 guys lined up and that bothers him. He said that he was getting sick to his stomach thinking about things. He offered some advice about my business cards and such and the blazer (that I am getting on Monday).

 

He asked if he could call me later that night. I said Yes. He said "I love you". I said I love you too.

 

We are not together. I went out last night with someone against my better judgement. He's been after me for a long time. I had such a good time with him and his brother and all that. I kept buying them shots and got them pretty drunk. It was funny. I met his entire family during the course of the night and yada yada yada. It was weird. It's just not there for me. He's an awsome guy. A cop. Has a 4 bdrm house with a pool...**** together big time. Down falls: 2 yr old daughter ( not ready for that yet cuz mine are older) he's only 2" taller than me and he's small framed....not a lot of muscle anywhere. I know. That's shallow. I just know what I am attracted to. He's cute and his lifestyle is attractive to me. But he's already talking "movin me in " and all that....it freaks me out. I'm so in love with my bf tho...oops EX bf. It is going to take me forever to get over him.

 

I don't know if I can ever love anyone the way I love him. I was so physically attracted to him in every way....something that I've never had. I usually get bored and move on...but with him it was so there. How do I allow myself to be with someone else and not "just go through the motions"?

 

By the way...the shop girl (drew) blew up the motor in his beloved truck!!!

[drkhairbeauty]

Oh, by the way, when he asked me if he could call me later that night he never did.

[Curt]

I was weak. Yes. Stupid? yes. No call even by the next morning.

 

Weak? ... Perhaps. Stupid? ... Nah ...

 

You've loved him a long time, and you're human. You have been together for an equally long time. Clearly, he has had a huge roll to play in your life. That you felt weak and called, I understand. Besides, it did give you both a chance to clear the air a bit. You now know that it's all having an impact on him too, but he also sees things are somewhat problematic.

 

I have the feeling (given that he told you that he told everyone to f- off) that it's likely that his sister might have gotten the rough edge of his tongue too. I dunno, but I'm thinking that he realized that he needed to open some "breathing room" for himself too.

 

He asked if he could call me later that night. I said Yes. He said "I love you". I said I love you too.

 

That's really good. It's unfortunate that he didn't call, but I have a feeling he needed the time to just relax, regroup and most of all, reflect.

 

We are not together. I went out last night with someone against my better judgement. <snip>

 

But he's already talking "movin me in " and all that....it freaks me out. I'm so in love with my bf tho...oops EX bf. It is going to take me forever to get over him.

 

IMHO, you were right to have second thoughts. In my estimation, you are in no state emotionally right now to be moving on so quickly to date. Besides and more importantly, both you and your BF (or, ex-BF, whichever) have not even had a chance to sit down and talk about things. This is wayyyy too quick, and besides the other guy appears to be wayyyy too clingy/needy/whatever. Slow down. Ya gotta cool your heels, girl. Take time to regroup. Please.

 

I don't know if I can ever love anyone the way I love him. I was so physically attracted to him in every way....something that I've never had. I usually get bored and move on...but with him it was so there. How do I allow myself to be with someone else and not "just go through the motions"?

 

When you have had enough time to settle any unfinished business in your current relationship (or indeed, save it if you both choose to go that way) ... when you have then reflected on what the past 3 yrs have held in terms of learning about yourself and relationships (lessons and information learned, etc.) ... when you have then healed your heart enough to open yourself fully to the possibilities of new love ... that's when you'll be ready to move on to someone else. Again, that all will depend on whether or not you and your current guy (or ex) decide to save your current relationship.

 

By the way...the shop girl (drew) blew up the motor in his beloved truck!!!

 

Sheesh ... she must have handled it with tender loving care, huh?

 

Bet that thrilled him to no end...

 

Curt

[Guest]

OK...first off, I must say that you are a very strong person for sticking in there. Alot of people (as you may notice) are too quick to jump outta the relationship. But this doesn't mean that they are "in control". I doubt they have had the kind of love that you say you have. Either that or they are just burned and have a negative outlook on things.

 

Secondly, even though you're strong in a sense you're still weak. This has been going on too long and that's kind of pathetic. You need to learn, understand, and come to terms with the fact that nobody (not even the love of your life) will or needs to tell you everything tha goes on. Granted, the truck thing was a stretch but you say she's a family friend. You should explain exactly how she knows the family and then I'll be able to give you better feedback about this.

 

 

Now on another note, it seems like your avoiding the long needed talk with him and you really need to just hurry up and do it. Be understanding but don't feed into the lies (like going to a hotel to be alone?!?!). Ask him where he wants to go with the relationship and don't accept an "I don't know". If that's what he gives you then respond with "Then take some time to figure it out cause right now neither do I"

 

All in all I think you're beginning to get more of a grasp on the situation than you had prior and thats great, but do try to not drag this out too long.

 

Good luck to you and many Kudos

 

-The Ever Clever XG-

[drkhairbeauty]

She has grown up around the family. Nearby as well. Her parents, from what I'm told by my bf's sister is that they are real jerks. Still tho, they are HER parents. The entire time I have been in this relationship she has NEVER been around as much..EVER until the past few months. Moving more and more into my bf's personal life. She had always been working here and there at the shop but not as involved until past few months. So, that was my problem...when ever I asked why? He would never give me a direct answer always defensive..so I would never feel secure about it thus causing some problems.

 

He never tells me much of anything going on. I do understand that people don't need to give you a play by play but something like that would have been nice to have heard about....before I saw it (truck thing). I just looked at it as her getting more involved with him.

 

He called me last night around 11:00. He said he couldn't sleep. We just talked about the day and the weekend. We talked for a few minutes and I never brought up the relationship or the break up. After a few minutes, I told him "I'll let you go now cuz I have to get to sleep". He said "I just called to call you". He asked me what I did this weekend....I just told him I had a quiet weekend. We said good bye. I know that he and I will always be in each others life in some way or another but as far as going back I can't. I have to much anger still towards his sister and I really don't think things will ever get better. I think it's more about his feelings all the time and not mine..ever. He's kind of selfish that way I guess. As long as everything is right within himself then it's good but the minute there is any negativity towards him he doesn't like it....so that's where I'm at with this.

[Kirlin]

thats upsetting