Does anyone feel the same way I do about this ...her with my man

[drkhairbeauty]

The "past two bad times" were relationships ( I mentioned in post somewhere earlier) that had "just like a sister" friendships (and I believed it) and they were boinking each other...two different relationships that this happened in so yeah I have a little issue this way and he knows it.

[drkhairbeauty]

Oh yeah..he said its a problem older women have (being this jealous over something) because the guys that he works withs wife is pissed over this Drew girl being around her man too. He cant even have her in the work truck cuz wife will freak. She's older that's why he's sayin that. Also. my guy friend of 8 years girlfriend tld him he cant talk to me bla bla bla...she's my age. What a crappy thing to say. So younger girls arent jealous. What an idiot:sick:

[lovestruck234]

Hmmm....

 

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this on other occasions but he sounds like a very controlling bf. he doesn't listen to what you have to say, he tells you he likes you as a shy and quiet person, and he walks all over you like, you said a doormat. Uh uh not cool.

 

You can do so much better than him! You know that I know that....and deep down he knows that.

How much longer are you planning on going on like this? No matter how many times you have tried to talk to him it always turns out the same. your wrong and he's right in his mind.

 

If you really want to stay with this guy, which I believe you, as a smart girl, wouldn't do, BUT if you do, talk to drew. It seems as though it will be an ongoing saga if you keep trying to talk to him about it, cos he's a pretty hard nut to crack as far as admitting that he's wrong, so talk to Drew and sort this out once and for all....

[drkhairbeauty]

I know this sounds awful, but I am going to wait until he fixes my other car. It's in the shop right now with a huge price tag to be fixed and then its on the way to be painted. He's paying for it (company is) so I'm gonna wait until that's done and then tell him to hit the road. I am so not happy anymore.

[witabix]

Ummmm.... ok.

 

Not sure about the soundness of the car thing, revenge? Get something back out of him? Make sure that doesn't blow up in your face.

[drkhairbeauty]

No, not revenge. He's offered to fix it for me so I can use it as a work car. I can't afford to fix everything and he's doing it through the company. I need the car and he knows it so he's helping me. I'm using my personal car and its getting trashed from work. Don't get me wrong. I love him very much but I am sick of feeling sick. I know it's something that I should probably get over and try not to be jealous about her but that's me and I can't change it. I wish I could. He is with me every night so if he wanted to be with her he would be. My entire deal is her spending so much time with him and I dont want feelings to come around between the two of them. That's my whole plight. I'm trying to protect my investment.

[Max Overclock]

I do know a couple things, though:

 

(1). He's probably enjoying the attention from the girl ... maybe even too much. Makes me wonder if he's not reading your mistrust of him and her, and doing it anyways, as he may see no issue. He needs to step back a bit and give space, but not for your sake, for your relationship's sake. But there's no way he should need to do an absolute break in friendship from her. If there's anything more than mere casual friendship situations that they get into (often having meals together, etc.), then, yes, they need to quit doing those "extra" things as much as they seem to. The dinner and movie thing went too far ... to the point of almost being comedic, yes. But...

 

(2). You're not dealing well with your jealousy issue over her, either. Like you've said, he's with you every night. She's a young thing giving him attention, perhaps crushing on him, yes, and likely getting off on the power that she seems to have over you both (Remember girl, she's 19 ... remember how adult ready you were at 19...). I know you want to feel differently too. He's not being all fair, no, but you need to allow yourself to let go of the jealousy too. It's clearly hurting you big time.

 

Has he reciprocated her attention from what you've seen? He's a 30-ish guy, and on some level he's enjoying her attention. He's human. Do you have any feeling that he's wanting to have more than just this cute-sie friendship with her? If not, then this looks bad not only on her, but on you also. Be careful that past things aren't clouding your judgement. Perhaps havnig a civil, honest talk to Drew might help in the short term.

 

(3). You both appear to have no other major issues, other than the trust issues that she helps precipitate. Probably other than that, you're a very happy couple. You both have a lot to lose if you call it quits. Can it be resolved? Couples counselling? I dunno...

 

You both have issues of trust here. Not a good set-up. Perhaps split is a good idea, perhaps not. But neither of you, IMHO has behaved stellarly here. AND FOR THE LOVE OF PETE, to heck with getting the car done as sort of an underhanded "consolation prize" before you call it quits. That so cheapens the whole situation it's not even funny. Please people!

 

Sorry to be blunt, but I'm just telling it as I see it.

 

Max

[drkhairbeauty]

You are right. No apology needed. thank you. One day at the shop when I arrived he came up to me and sat down with me (I had only a minute to get back to work) and said "she is really getting on my nerves". Referring to Drew (the girl). So, he says that she gets on his nerves after a while cuz she is on all sorts of topics all the time and doesn't have a long attention span bla bla bla......ok that's all good but why the hell does she have to involve herself into his personal stuff! YEESH! I would never ask him to give up the work relationship with her and it's never been such an involved thing with her up until recently. Hell, we came back from a week in COsta Rica and I guess she told him "awww you didn't bring my back anything"..cuz he was giving his mom and sister the necklaces that he bought for them. SHe's lucky I wasn't there to hear that! I might be reading to much into this and yes I might just talk to her but I am NOT good with words and I can get very direct and that is mistaken for rudeness I guess. I want to be able to handle it with tact. I just don't know how to go about it with out sounding like a complete jealous bitch. What would it solve if I talked to her anyway?

[Max Overclock]

See, I'm around your age. I'm 35. I know it's easy to get caught up in this kind of thing. God knows, as a fellow human being, I wouldn't want you to end up staying with a guy that doesn't appreciate how much you obviously care for him. No question.

 

But, I wouldn't want you throwing out something that is really good either.

 

Two questions hunn ... and I need you to reflect on them truly, and answer them honestly ... not so much for me, but for both you and your BF's sakes.

 

Do you think that he would have a relationship with her (sexual and/or emotional) if she were to offer herself to him?

 

Is this a deal breaker? Is the mistrust here enough that it would cause you to reevaluate your relationship?

 

Write back.

 

Max

[drkhairbeauty]

Honestly, I have asked myself that question and I really don't know. What is an "emotional" affair exactly? What does that involve? I have thought about those things and I just don't know if he would go for it or not. I would hope not. He has told me that if he ever wanted to be with someone else he would break up with me first. Yeah, right. Don't we all say that?

 

I went to my parents house today and was explaining the jealousy thing and drama to my mom. As I was explaining all the things that have been wrong in the relationship, I was seeing a clear picture. He isn't treating me the way I need to be treated. He does things for me financially like fixing the darn car and things along that line. All that is great, except that doesn't impress me. It's the small things that someone does in a relationship to make you feel special. I don't feel that from him. I think this has come to a point where I have to think if I can deal with the feelings of jealousy every day.

 

He comes to my house at night each night ... around 9 PM, watches tv for an hour and goes to sleep. Weekends come and he works Saturday ... so I get 2 hrs each night max ... Sat. night around same time and sometimes a full Sunday. This girl gets all day, every day and sometimes I'm sure she gets lunch out of it. I'm jealous of the time. I know it's work and all that, but it's how I feel.

 

I kind of think that he wouldn't go for that if she offered, and I like to think that she really does get on his nerves. I do feel insecure. He doesn't give me enough feedback to make me feel secure. Everyone tells me that he treats me like crap. Of course, they are hearing only one side of the story. He doesn't make me feel special to him. I kind of feel like a dumbass when I'm around him.

 

Yesterday, we towed a car. I didn't know how to pull out the damn ramp for the car to come down. He mumbled something for me to do ... well, I didn't hear him and I guess I didn't move fast enough cuz he huffed and heavily sighed and just quickly and gruffly did it. I never even saw the damned car trailer before. I didn't know how to pull the damn ramp out.

 

Then we picked up another car. Of course Drew (girl) was with my BF's sister to help push the car up on the trailer. She rode over with her and I rode with my BF and his friend. I went to put the damned ramp thing back in and there was a lip and I couldn't get it in. He came over and so did Drew. I felt like a total dumbass and thinking, "Oh, I bet he never thinks Drew's a dumbass cuz she can do anything." Bit** even welds. I don't know how to spell that one.

 

So, he doesn't make me feel special. I feel at odds with him and I don't feel like I fit into his life. I feel like (tend to dwell on it) Drew would be better for him ... age and all that ... someone that already knows the ropes of the shop. Something that I would have liked, is to have been included in so I could learn and be a part of.

 

I guess my answer would be yes. I am seriously considering throwing it away and it would be for good. This is our last chance to make things work. I know it's only one problem. Well, one problem that I try and talk with him about. There are a few other things that I fail to mention to him, such as the things I just talked about. I dunno. I can't be with someone that is making me jealous and not really wanting to change things about it, and making me feel like an idiot for talking about it. Putting it off as "an older woman's problem of feeling jealous." The only difference between an older woman's jealousy and a teeny bopper's jealousy, is that the younger chicks just beat the s*** out of the other chick and get on with it. Older women (I guess) just try and talk it out.

[drkhairbeauty]

It's like his life is the shop ... which it is. He is always there. That is his life, and she is in that life. That place is so important to him and knowing that she is sharing so much of it makes me jealous too. I want to be included in the family business. Wouldn't I be considered family after three years?

[Max Overclock]

O.K.,

 

From what I'm hearing you say, you feel insecure about the value you have for him in his life. In addtion, you feel unskilled at the types of acyivities that go on at their work in the shop. Drew is, in my humble opinion, just symptomatic of a larger problem for you both.

 

A large gap in communication (real, heart-to-heart communication) is clearly in operation here. You guys aren't talking about the real, deeper issues behind the communication gaps. You both may well not be talking (I mean, really talking) enough, period. One hour before bed while watching T.V. does not build a relationship. You need and want more of his time, and you need him to make you feel valued, capable, and included.

 

He, on the other hand is a male who is working a lot. He is spending far too much time at work (incidentally with this young lady) while he's not likely completely aware of the way you're feeling about things as of late. He's not being patient with you in terms of shop activities, like towing the car. It's no big deal that you didn't know how to work the equipment for the tow, it's not your thing perhaps, and I wouldn't know how to do it either I'm sure.

 

Unfortunately, now both of you are rubbing on each other's nerves about issues like Drew's presence at the shop. Her presence as an attractive, young, shop-savy (and ever-present) chick that is in competition (either real or perceived) with your presence in his life is now the culminating issue. But I'm not at all sure that she is the real issue at all.

 

You seem to be fairly certain that you may need to take a break ... some time to work on yourselves and your feelings. If you choose to do so, you need to sit him down and lovingly & calmly talk to him about it. Perhaps you're both out of "sync" at this point, and maybe some time out might be a good thing. Perhaps not. I don't know. Either way, you're beside yourself, and things as of late must be a bit frustrating for him too.

 

I wish you both the stength and wisdom to do for each other what is right, and the courage to move past this, as either a couple, or merely as two good friends.

 

I bid you peace.

 

Max

[Guest]

if his friends wife doesn't like the young bia either then he should understand the problem and that its not just you NOR is just that you are older women. that doesn't make any sense.

anyway it seems to me like his friend is working more for his relationship by not even getting in the car with her (which i guess is a bit extreme, but still a good husband)

 

so much confusion.

 

well i guess if you're ready to call it quits it wouldn't hurt to have one last chat with him to let him know whats going on. if he tries his sarcastic bulls*** again this time break out of your shell and be like " NO YOU LISTEN TO ME - this relationship isn't cutting it for me, you aren't doing a damn thing to try and save what is left of it, and i am ready to find someone new that dOESNT need attention from a 19 year old to feel good about themselves.i have tried to have a heart to heart conversation with you for too long and you wont FU*king listen to me so BYE!!"

 

i don't know

something along those lines.

anyway

sorry again.

you will find someone better than that though.

[drkhairbeauty]

Wow. I kind of like that. It would shock the s*** out of him if I did that. I'm waiting for one other thing to come up and then that's it. I want to see if there is another "lunch" or something along those lines after I talked (tried to talk) to him the other night. I've come to the conclusion that I can't stop it if he is even slightly interested in her. If he is then he is and I'm out. He is with me every night tho. I'll give him credit for that. Wouldn't a guy blow off his gf if there was another that he was interested in? At least a few times a week? I'm going to play the waiting game and if it happens again and I feel uncomfortable about it and he hasn't done anything then hell yes I'm going to say something to him. Kind of like what you said above. i like that. Very direct. There are alot of things in this relationship that I question. My friend called me today and said "hey, I just saw your buddy(the girl) at the fair" and "she just came up and started talking to my husband and totally snubbed me like I wasn't even there".. She also said "she's nothing compared to you". She even said that she bugs her too. I do need to feel comfortable in a relationship and not feel insecure about someone else. I think both people in a relationship should compromise on issues to make things work. If the roles were reversed I would never do anything that would make him uncomfortable and if I were, then I'd try and change what I could of the behavior/situation to make him comfortable and not stressing over something. That's just me.

[Guest]

yes, I completely agree that both people in a relationship should feel comfortable with one another and trust eachother. I would never do that either because it would bother the one person that I care about the most and its just not worth it.

I'm hoping your guy wakes up one day (soon!) and realizes what an idiot he has been and changes everything.

but if he doesn't, the direct approach of breaking up always works.

 

he does hang out with you everynight so i doubt he is currently cheating but i understand its his feelings you are worried about. i would be too. i cant stand the idea of dating someone and loving them and them thinking about someone else while they say they love me back. it bugs me . its not like i would ever know.. but just the thought..

 

anyway, i would probably do the same thing. you don't want to just come out of nowhere. if theres something that just pushes you, then let it come out and be done with him. a wakeup call could do him some good - he can't be in a serious relationship if hes going to play games

[drkhairbeauty]

You're right. You know, after typing this all out to you guys and reading your responses you kind of feel a relief. That you got to "get out" what was bugging you. I feel so much better when I jump on here and type my heart out. After you re read your own posts it becomes so clear...like "what the hell am I doing with this person". It's like a wake up call. Wow. Its so much easier knowing that there are some people out there that have similar situations and can offer some good advice. This girl still pisses me off and makes me feel jealous. Like today...my bf didn't have "big" jobs scheduled. he had small ones that he can handle on his own...he wouldn't need a 2nd person for. I'm curious to find out if he had her help him on them. The reason I say that is because yesterday while i was working a friend of mine texted me and said that my buddy (the girl) was talking to her and her phone went off. The girl said "oh s*** its my boss"and walked off to take the call. Well, it was my bf calling her. Apparently (this is what he told me when I asked him if he had called her) he said that he wanted to know where the hell she was and why she wasn't at work and to tell her what time to come in on friday. Ok. I can understand that. And then my other friend was down below my parking lot last night with some of her friends and she saw my bf drive up and he sat in his truck for like 5 minutes on the phone before he got out. It was probably nothing but still. I hate feeling like this. He says that he only uses her (the girl) for big jobs. Well, I'm curious to see if he used her today on something that he had no need for a 2nd person. If so..I'm gonna flip. Why would he need her for a small job if that's the case?

[megnog]

he would take her on the small job for the company of her presence and some attention

that would at least be my best bet.

him on the phone.... is okay.

i could see how that could get your mind working like "ok so he could be cheating on me and wanting to get off the phone before he gets out of the car or he could be deleting stuff in his phone or...etc"

BUT he could have also just been on the phone innocently and would rather sit and talk rather than get up and lock the car, close the door, stuff like that.

sounds stupid but i do that all the time. if i'm not in a rush for anything i wait to get off the phone before moving around.

i don't know

ask him (even though i'm sure this has already passed) how his day was and what he did. and then i guess ask if he was alone or not. you can't really hide wanting to find out what you want to know from him because of course hes going to pick up that you just want to know if she came or not. but definately just kind of slyly ask him calming questions.

[drkhairbeauty]

Yep. She went on the jobs. I asked him this morning if he had hard jobs yesterday...(he already told me the day before that he had easier jobs Friday) and that if Drew went with him. He said she went and yes they were hard.

[drkhairbeauty]

Ok. Things were going okay until now. My bf knows how uncomfortable I am with him and this girl in different situations. I've never told him what to do about anything. If something bugs me, I mention it. I've always been a very direct person. I don't beat around the bush about anything.

 

Well, to make a long story short. I was driving back to work yesterday and saw this girl driving my bf's beloved 69 GMC through town. Needless to say I was pissed off. He has two trucks. This one is his "baby". I had to pull teeth to use this truck one time for work and then I see her driving it.

 

Well, I called her cell and she didn't pick up. I wouldn't have been rude at all to her. I would have just asked "hey, what's up everything ok and why are you driving my bf's truck"..I would have asked something like that but she didn't answer. I called the shop and my bf answered. I told him " I saw Drew driving your truck and it didn't sit well with me". He said "her car went into the shop and she's using my truck for a few days". I said "why didn't you just mention to me that she was gonna borrow it and that way if I saw her bee bopping through town I wouldn't have gotten upset". He didn't comment on anything. I said that I was at work and that was all I wanted to ask. I said goodbye.

 

Well, his sister calls me and told me off! told me I was a fuc**** bit** and she was sick of me controling her brother and yada yada yada. You can damn well bet that if my guy friend was driving my car through town and I wasn't in it that my phone would have been ringing! Ha. His sister tore me up one end and down the other. Yelling at me that this girl will always be in their lives and yada yada yada and that if her brother has a hard on for her than its his business and yada yada yda....(couldn't believe that one) and "I'm not welcome in that family anymore" and yada yada. All because I asked my boyfriend a question about this girl driving his truck.

 

Since he's at my house every night he could have at least mentioned it. Don't you think? If it were me, I would have said "hey, such and such is going to be driving my car so if you see em you'll know why". That's me though. I just thought that would have been common courtesy and a little respect. Instead of not saying a damn thing and seeing her driving around. Dunno. Am I out of line or not?

[Guest]

No You are not out of line. You have every right to be upset that you had to beg to use the car and then you see someone else driving it. That is just inconsiderate to you. Total disregard of your feelings and needs and from reading this post he has been this way to you for a long time

 

How much longer are you goining to put up with it???? You have tried to be at work with him and have just been humilated because you did not know how to work the euqipment. That is just BS. He should have loved having you there and been happy that you want to be involved in the bs.

 

His sister has no right to call you about your relationship with her brother. the fact that she said "so what if he has a hard on for her" tells you he has a hard on for her. And every one knows it at work and you were dead on with suspecting this.

 

Do you want a man who is into only you or a man who feels it is ok to be into someone else because he comes home to you at night. Many men feel this way when the person they are turned onto is off limits. He can play around as long as he is coming home to you.

 

My opinion, find someone else who is into you and vice versa. Drop him. You have already tried reasoning and compromising to the point of accepting his emotional relationship with another woman (she may be young but she is still a woman who would not want her boyfriend doing what yours is doing)

[drkhairbeauty]

I have no desire to even be with this person ever again. The anger is so huge right now that it is consuming me. I have been humiliated by his sister and would never be able to show up at the shop again. She had no business to butt her head into this. She seems like she's the one being controlling of her brother. God forbid if he ever gets married and he and his wife have an argument. His sister will come unglued that her brother is being mis treated. You are right. I just wanted clarity that I wasn't being controlling like she stated. It is controlling to be upset because some chick was driving his truck and I got miffed about it. I've never told him what to do or that he can't talk to this person or that person. Never. So, how could she yell at me that she's sick of me controlling her brother. That stupid bit** of a girl that works at the shop...I was okay with everything. I was finally coming to terms with everything and then this. WHY THE HELL COULDN"T HE HAVE JUST MENTIONED IT TO ME! It would have been so much easier and none of this would have happened. I'm just soooooooo furious right now.

[drkhairbeauty]

I had a typo up above. I meant to say "IS IT controlling to be upset because some chick was driving his truck and I got miffed about it?

[Max Overclock]

The sister's behavior was unacceptable, and her comment was troubling to say the least.

 

As far as you both are concerned, I think you both may need a break from each other to reflect and consider things.

 

My suggestion:

 

Get your car, return any possessions of his you might have, and get any of your own that he might have. Give each other major space and as much time as is needed (4 weeks at least).

 

How would you feel about doing that?

 

Max

[drkhairbeauty]

That sounds fine to me. I hear a voice mail that he left me last night. He apparently just found out what his sister did and just said "I don't know what's going on" and "I don't know what to say". Well, first off, if that were my sibling and I don't care if we are hella close or not, if my sib were to talk to my significant other like that I'd be pissed! His sister basically told me that we should break up. I am just so humiliated to the point that I could never ever show my face up there. How could we possibly continue on with all this drama from the sister and this other chick that's slowly pushing her way into his life more and more. This chick was never so freakn involved. He knew I have been uncomfortable with her doing so much and I even told him it wasn't the work part of it as much as her getting more involved with his personal life. Now this with the truck thing. I hope he doesn't show up tonight. He hasn't even called me today. Not once. I would have been on the phone apologizing for my siblings behavior if it were me.

[Jana]

Good luck, I would not even listen to him if he apologized for his sister.

He apparently does not care about his own behaviour that is hurting you and is very disrescpetful to you.

 

I would make my decision and move on from there. I believe you have had enough bad treatment from him.

 

Find someone who cares for your happiness. And you are right the girl at the shop is a stupid Bi----. How would she like it if roles were reversed. She is to young and stupid to think of it that way.

 

jana