Have I Lost the Plot?

[ButtonPusher]

I got in touch a few weeks ago with the ex gf that was the catalyst for me coming to this site. I emailed her, she emailed back with a friendly reply. A couple more emails were sent. Nothing really serious. Just covering what we've been doing over the past year. No mention of how we felt about each other.

 

But hearing about her life now, has reminded me of what she was like when I met her, and why I was initially attracted to her. She was passionate about music, and could sing and wanted to write as well, and she loved going out to party, and party is an understatement for what she would do. It was a LDR, as I had met her in a cafe in another city, and after chatting for a bit we exchanged numbers.

 

I'll never get involved in a LDR again, but this girl seemed so perfect for me and we just clicked right from the start. I was at college at the time studying so wasn't in a position to move to her city, and she was in a similar situation. What I've realised now looking back on things, is that she changed once she spent more time with me. She gave up on her music interests, stopped going out to bars and nightclubs and focused entirely on me. And I think now, that this was a result of the distance poisoning everything. I was guilty of doing the same thing, as I forgot about my mates and my own interests.

 

She ended the relationship for what seemed like dubious reasons at the time. Giving me a whole load of reasons that just didnt seem to make sense. After months of NC, I thought it seemed likely that she dumped me because she couldnt handle the distance and because she had a wrong image of me in her head, and probably also because she wanted to be that person she was when I first met her.

 

Some things she said to me towards the end about my not wanting kids, not being the kind of guy that would have a beer with her girlfriends partners, not wanting to spend time with her girlfriends, really hurt because they werent true.

 

Anyway, a year or so later, I've graduated and found a job. I've gone back to my old self, well actually I drink a s***load more than I used to and I go out at night a lot more, and I'm in a position where moving to this ex gf's city is no problem. My job comes with a lot of pressure, and maybe its screwing with my head, but I've got this idea in my head now that I should email this ex to try and start the ball rolling towards getting back together. I know this is such a dumb idea. She might have a bf and I'm worried how that would affect me.

 

I'm sure the advice will be to not go through with sending an email, but I cant help feeling that things would have lasted had we lived in the same city.

 

So cmon....tell me I'm nuts.

[KittenMoon]

Well... what have you got to lose?

[ButtonPusher]

Well... what have you got to lose?

1. My pride

2. Getting an email back telling me to f*** off

3. Being told that she has a bf

4. Ripping open a wound that took almost a year to heal

 

Yeah thats about all I could lose. Plus I have no idea about what to say if I do go ahead and send an email.

[Chinook]

1. My pride

2. Getting an email back telling me to f*** off

3. Being told that she has a bf

4. Ripping open a wound that took almost a year to heal

 

Yeah thats about all I could lose. Plus I have no idea about what to say if I do go ahead and send an email.

 

You're nuts.

 

Don't do it.

[KittenMoon]

1. My pride

2. Getting an email back telling me to f*** off

3. Being told that she has a bf

4. Ripping open a wound that took almost a year to heal

 

Yeah thats about all I could lose. Plus I have no idea about what to say if I do go ahead and send an email.

 

Ok- then you've answered whether or not to do it. You shouldn't, unless the possibility of regaining her outweighs all of the above.

[scrybe74]

You're nuts...

 

Now that we got that out of the way...

 

You know....i've read about a lot of break ups here....yours doesn't sound that bad at all. No cheating, lying or abuse. Just honesty and an unfortunate ending to unfortunate circumstances.

 

You don't have her now so I really don't think you have much to lose. Your pride? Who cares?!?! You like her a lot. Time has gone by. What would it hurt to invite her out to dinner...in HER city?!?!

 

#1) If she accepts then you have a chance! Great! Go for it!

 

#2)If she accepts and asks if her bf/husband can come along....withdraw the invitation but explain honestly that you were interested in dating her again but now that she's found someone else you'll move on. Wish her the best of luck and happiness and hang up.

 

#3) If she declines then it just confirms that you either you two weren't meant to be or that she just isn't interested in you anymore. Personally...I'd just the former reason to keep my pride a little more inflated.

 

#4) If she reluctantly accepts. Go to dinner with her and let her know that you are interested but don't get your hopes up.

 

 

Don't consider or offer to move there unless she brings up the distance OR she's made it very clear that she's interested in you again (or never lost interest)...then let her know that you are willing to move closer to her.

 

When/If you offer to mover closer to her....give her at least 2 other reasons why you would live in her town. It can't be just for her because that is way too much pressure. What if the relationship doesn't work out? Then she'll be stuck with you bitching that you moved there for her. Preferably have a job/career reason, social reason (friends, family, you like the clubs/music/cafe's, etc.) or geographic (you like the weather better, beaches, people, countryside, etc.). Most important...make these reasons real! Don't ever move solely to be with someone. You run a huge risk of being stranded in a strange city and bitterly regretting your decision.

 

Good luck! I'd like to know what happens. I don't check LS often so you can PM me if you want to give me an update.

[ButtonPusher]

You don't have her now so I really don't think you have much to lose. Your pride? Who cares?!?! You like her a lot. Time has gone by. What would it hurt to invite her out to dinner...in HER city?!?!

 

I do have other reasons for moving to her city, but if it wasnt for her I probably wouldnt consider them at this point in my life. But isnt flying to her city just to have dinner with her going against all the accepted wisdom on here about playing it cool if you want to fix up a broken relationship. If she was in the same city it would be easy to ask her out for a coffee or a drink, but getting on a plane or driving there gives an indication of what the chance to see her really means to me.

[Outcast]

She ended the relationship for what seemed like dubious reasons at the time. Giving me a whole load of reasons that just didnt seem to make sense. After months of NC, I thought it seemed likely that she dumped me because she couldnt handle the distance and because she had a wrong image of me in her head, and probably also because she wanted to be that person she was when I first met her.

 

Some things she said to me towards the end about my not wanting kids, not being the kind of guy that would have a beer with her girlfriends partners, not wanting to spend time with her girlfriends, really hurt because they werent true.

 

It sounds to me that she decided that she just didn't want to continue with you. People don't go to the trouble of making up a 'whole load' of reasons unless they *really* want to get the point across that you're not for them.

Anyway, a year or so later, I've graduated and found a job. I've gone back to my old self, well actually I drink a s***load more than I used to

 

And this is a good thing? I'm thinking not so much.

 

I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but I think she would have been much less eager to find reasons to break up with you if she really wanted you but was just suffering because of the LDR.

[ButtonPusher]

People don't go to the trouble of making up a 'whole load' of reasons unless they *really* want to get the point across that you're not for them.

You're probably right.

 

I think its time to really leave this person in my past, and forget about her. I guess it just wasn't meant to be. I dont think I will send her an email.

 

Thanks everyone.