in-laws inviting ex-gf and her family over

[angel915]

my mother in law have mentioned to me several times how she dislike my husband's ex gf. however, she contradicts herself by inviting her and her family to lunch. before my husband and i got married she would talk crap about his ex, and now that we're married she's all nice to her. i asked her why a sudden change of attitude? she said "they're not together anymore so now i like her" to me it didn't make sense and she keeps talking about her. i talked to my mother in law about how i feel and to my father in law as well, along with my husband. they have promised me that they won't bring her over to our new house. (we just recently moved) when i went to school during the day, they invited the ex-gf and her sisters to come over. when i came home they both acted like nothing happened. luckily my husband and i have an honest relationship. he told me that she came over with his parents but he stayed somewhere else where he would not interact with her. i felt so betrayed when my in-laws did that to me. they gave me their word and promised that they would not bring her over. when i turned my back, they did just the opposite. all the pain i've felt before re-surfaced including the time when i went shopping with my mother in law for my wedding dress and i didn't know that she invited my husband's ex gf's sister and mother to go with us. i felt so awkward looking for my wedding dress and with her talking about the ex gf while i was in the car. and there i thought she hated her but in front of the family she was acting all nice. sometimes i don't know what to do, they just don't seem to get how i feel about it. i would understand if my husband and his ex gf have a kid together but they don't. i don't see any reason why they should maintain any kind of relationship with her and her family after she cheated on my husband several times when they were together. i just hate it when they think it's okay to invite them to our famly party. my parents feel that it's so disrespectful and inconsiderate of them to disregard my feelings.

[a4a]

This is pretty amazing!

 

Do you think your MIL is trying to rub your marriage into the ex's face?

 

Regardless you need to talk to your husband about setting up boundaries.

Your home is your home, you decide who is allowed in your own home not your MIL.

 

You and your husband need to discuss what boundaries you both desire. He then needs to present and enforce them with your MIL.

 

If your MIL desires to keep the ex and her family in her friend circle that is her choice, but boundaries need to be set up that separate your marriage from her friendship with the ex and her family.

 

Bringing along an ex's sister to pick out a wedding dress is just thoughtless. She should have at the least asked.

 

I believe this will escalate unless you and your husband nip it in the bud now.

 

Hell if you have kids she may invite the ex and the family to watch the birth :p ........ really tho, your h needs to stop this crap now.

[sugarplum]

My in-laws continued to maintain a strong relationship with my husbands ex. My husband can't stand her and wants nothing to do with her, but the rest of the family still loves her. For this reason, they have never really "let me in" the family. When relatives come from out of town, they stay with his ex! When his brother needs a babysitter, he takes the kids to my husbands ex! This is something I cannot comprehend. I interpret it as my ex purposely maintaining her postition in his family just to be vindictive to me. And none of them see it. This naturally leads to lots of hurt feelings on my part. And I also have to be careful of what I say, what they see, etc. because they tell the ex everything. If one were to stop over unexpectedly and see my house a mess, I would be paranoid they would tell the ex about it! IMHO it is a very rude thing to do. I understand that my husband broke up her, they didn't - but there comes a time when they need to decide whats appropriate. In your case the lunch thing was inappropriate, and extremely inconsiderate to your feelings.

[angel915]

sometimes i do feel that she is trying to rub it in to the ex's face but there are times it doesn't seem that way. i don't like it when hides things for me for example, she would make up some excuse as to why she wants to take my daughter out. one time she asked me she wanted her to take a studio picture but i didn't let her go coz i told her it's pointless to go when my daugther took pictures couple of weeks ago and we still haven't received the pictures. when i refused her, i found out later on that day that she had set up a lunch with my husband's ex-gf and sisters. she really wanted to show my baby off to them that's why when i didn't let my baby go with her she had invited them over while i was out and my husband was home. it really made me mad, i have told her about my feelings but it doesn't go through her mind. i am the type of person who would communicate and let others know how i feel in a respectable manner. since they are my husband's parents and they are older than me, i was brought up to always respect the elders. though i feel they do not respect me in return when it comes to my feelings. don't get me wrong, my in-laws are very nice and i am so lucky to have them, the only problem is my MIL bringing up my husband's past into our new family. thank you so much for your advice! i'm glad i found this site.

[a4a]

What is your H's reaction to this mess?

 

Taking your child to meet people without telling you is a severe boundary violation!!!!! BIG TIME!!

[angel915]

you are right about that! my MIL doesn't see it that way though. my husband asked her about what she was trying to do. she said that all she wanted was to take my baby out to take her pictures. then my husband told her that we found out about her lunch meeting she planned the day before with my husband's ex gf and her sisters. she made up some lame excuse like always that that didn't even cross her mind. she never apologizes for anything and always making excuses. even when we had a family talk, my FIL,MIL,my husband and I sat together and i told her how i felt when she reprimanded me in front of my husband's ex gf's mother. she jumped into conclusion that i didn't say hi to her when i did but she didn't see it. even the mom corrected her and stopped her from telling me off. then in the end all she said was, "oh i thought she didn't say hi to you and was being rude", i told my mom about it and she was pissed off. i wasn't raised to be rude to other people even if the visitor was my husband's ex gf's mother. it wasn't her fault her daughter is a sl-t and cheated on my husband several times when they were together.

[a4a]

ok it is obvious this goes beyond a little friendliness with the ex family......

 

You need to sit your H down ASAP and discuss this..... He really needs to support you and defend you.

 

I would think if you go about this by yourself that the MIL will attempt then to alienate your H against you.

 

Are you in anyway financially obligated to your inlaws? Is there some reason why your H is just letting this behavior repeat over and over?

 

Have you protested their behavior on your own? or with your H?

 

It is time to make MIL realize that you have your own household with your own rules about your own child and your own life.

 

Rules boundaries and limitations must be set and enforced.

 

And does this ex family bring anything positive to your marriage at all or for you or your H?

 

You have a serious Kitchen Chicken situation here....... trouble making, mouth running, pot stirring, and control freak woman (MIL).

[crazy_grl]

Half of this sounds like she's trying to piss of the ex and half of it sounds like she's trying to piss you off. She sounds whacko.

 

I agree with a4a. You need to talk to your husband and establish boundaries. Then he needs to set them with her. When he does, he has to make it clear to her that they are what he wants, not just what you're making him do. He also has to make sure there are appropriate consequences for her crossing the boundaries.

[angel915]

we are not financially bound to them. my husband talked to his parents the consequences they will face if it happens again. here's the deal, my MIL is very nice but she doesn't think before she acts. crazy grl i think you are right about the pissing off part. i can't decide which one she's trying to piss off, the ex or me. my MIL is very lonely i don't think she has many friends eventhough she constantly talk about her co-workers. i think she considers them her real friends, which is sad to say because they don't even hang out outside her work. i feel bad for her but she is too nosy when it comes to my family life and even my friends feel uneasy around her. she pries too much into everyone's relationship.my husband said the same thing to me that his mother is lonely and doesn't have many friends so she tries to befriend MY FRIENDS. which is hella weird and awkward.

[crazy_grl]

Well if she's that desperate for friendship, maybe she's just trying to have some friends and she's just completely inept about how to do that, and she doesn't know or is so lonely she doesn't care what's appropriate and what's not. That would certainly account for her lack of friends.

 

You might try taking her out to places where there are people who share her interests. You and your husband could try to help her make some of her own friends. Go with her so that if she doesn't start up conversations with people, you can do it and bring her into the conversation.

 

Hopefully she'll meet some new people to spend time with and won't feel like she needs to bring the ex and her family around as much.

[angel915]

that's a sound plan crazy grl but i don't think it will work. so far i have noticed that she would rather hang out with girls old enough to be her daughter. she likes to feel young and she likes to gossip about everyone's lives that's why i can't trust her or confide in her. i've made that mistake once, she doesn't know how to keep a secret. i've tried introducing her to women her age, but they find her immature. i guess that's why she doesn't have many friends.

[a4a]

It is not your job to make friends for her.

 

And you can already see where feeling sorry for her has gotten you in this situation so far. You cannot control her choices of friends including the ex family.

 

You can control the amount of contact that you have with those people.

 

Have you ever seen the show Everybody Loves Raymond?

 

She sounds like that Mother on that show, but worse.

 

And you know it sounds like she really needs to be in control........so let her think she is.

 

Tell her how you and your H feel......turn it into a problem for her to solve instead of making it seem like it is her fault.

[angel915]

she does remind me of raymond's mom! haha it's funny when you watch this type of things happen on tv but when it happens in real life, there's nothing funny about it. i try to stay away from her and not to be as close to her as i used to, that way i can avoid future conflict since she's very tactless when it comes to having a conversation with me and other people. i really feel that i married my husband and into his family but i never expected that i would be married to my husband's ex's family as well. if i knew this maybe i would have thought twice before getting married. lolz j/k i love my husband dearly but it gets very frustrating because everytime we have a disagreement it's because of his mother. our relationship doesn't have any problem except his mom's constant meddling with our family and bringing my husband's ex's family into the picture. we did talk to his parents about the whole situation couple of months ago obviously she still does what she wants. and with her bringing up the ex's family, it's not helping our marriage. my husband told his parents "we don't want to associate our family with my ex and her family" and they still wonder why. what i don't get is my husband doesn't talk to any of them unless the sister calls my husband's cell phone. my husband doesn't want to deal with them at all but my MIL insists on inviting all my husband's ex gfs. a4a- there has been other occassions when my MIL invited not one, but two of my husband's ex-gf at the same time. on my wedding day, one of my husband's ex gf wanted to attend, and i flat out said "no" . i don't know why the fu*k she wants to come, all my husband's exs are pretty dense when it comes to things. they wonder why they can't be friends with him and his family?what kind of question is that, it's weird to hang out with the ex's knowing the fact that they were intimate at one point in his life.i don't know why they don't get it. it's just too weird for me.