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[LaurenMichelle]

Hello everyone, My name is Lauren and I have been lurking here for a few days and have decided to post my problem. Basically my bf and I have been together for 2 years. He has a 7 year old son. Has sole custody as the mother wants nothing to do with her son, only sees him about four times a year (her choice) She didn't even show up for the custody hearing. (she only lives five minutes from my bf's house. Anyway I met my bf about 3 yrs ago. I had starting dating a guy I had known for years. He was known as a really good honest guy. Well we started dating and he worked 2 jobs so we didn't see eachother a lot but even though we got along great and everything seemed wonderful (and I dont' fall for people easily) in the end it turned out that he was also dating a married woman and the whole thing ended with his married OW slitting her wrists in front of both of us when I showed up somewhere he was visiting her. (This was the first time I found out about her too). SHe was hospitalized and he ended all contact with her and I ended contact with him.

 

 

So anyway I had just come out of a BAD relationship, after being lied to and cheated on behind my back. (and even his friends did not know he was dating us both) So I was gun shy for a while and did not date at all as I could not trust anyone after that. I met my current bf and he and I knew eachother from mutual friends. He wanted to date me but I kept turning him down and finally one day we were talking and I told him why I didn't want to date anyone. (we were friends by that point) I told him my story about being cheated on and he related to that because his son's mom cheated on him before their son was born. (She slept with a coworker and his brother and left after she found out she was pregnant and married the coworker.) So he knew what it felt like. He told me that it was stupid that if someone doesn't want to be with you they should just end it before they start something with someone else. I agreed. He told me that he didn't think he could ever cheat on someone because of what had happened to him. It was his "honesty" and willingness to open up that drew me to him and eventually we started dating. I wanted to take it slow because I had been burnt in the past. He had told me that he'd broken up with his ex about four months ago. Told me that she was always nagging at him to spend more time with her and also that she had a daughter of her own and she never paid attention to his son. So basically they'd had problems and he didn't want to deal with her.

 

 

I had never dated anyone with a kid and now I am like a 2nd mom to his son. I love him so much. My bf and I have great times together and are talking about marriage (we don't live together yet or anything). It seemed like a good relationship- we spend alot of time together but each have our own friends and interests as well. He is a bit insecure at times thinking I will leave him or cheat on him because of his past, but he's never abusive or controlling. I understand his fears because part of me still has those same fears at times but he has treated me well so they have subsided.

 

 

Well to make this story shorter:) I will hurry up and get to the point. Recently (last week) I found out that my bf DID lie to me when we first got together. For the first 2 months that we were dating, he was still seeing his ex. I'm not sure if they were still dating or just FWB. But I found out from his sister in law(who is his ex's best friend) that my bf was still seeing his ex from August (when we started dating) until the end of Sept. begin of OCt. (this was 2 years ago) The funny thing is I remember back then specifically asking my bf if he was seeing someone because when we first started dating I called his house one night and he wasn't there even though he should have been. I had asked him about it and he said he stopped at the bar on the way home and he did come home that night. (I believe him because he didn't seem like he was trying to hide anything) I took it as I was just paranoid because I'd been hurt in the past. When I confronted my bf (last week) with this new info he was honest and told me what had happened.

 

 

BF said that yes, he was still seeing his ex when he was 1st dating me:eek: and that he's not proud of it but sometimes he would leave my apartment and go spend the night at her house. He said there were times after he and I messed around (we didn't have sex yet at this time but still were doing stuff) that he would go see her and she would want to have sex and he would have to pretend he was tired or something. He says he doesn't know why he did all of this he didn't want to tell me he was still with the ex because I would have never dated him. Damn right. But I am so hurt and pissed off. I know this was 2 years ago but our whole relationship was built on a lie! I mean I told this guy that the worst thing that had ever happened to me in a relationship is that a guy had lied to me and told me he was single and that then dated me and told me he loved me and the whole time he was screwing someone behind my back and lying about everything. And then my bf starts dating me and is DOING THE SAME THING THAT HURT ME SO BADLY WITH THE FIRST GUY. I mean to me that is just beyond cruel. And even though is happened so long ago it sickens me that my bf could have gone from having what I thought was a great time, cuddling and talking so openly about everything (he was so easy to talk to) and telling me how happy he was and how much he had wanted to be with me and that he was so lucky and all this crap to sneaking off to his ex's house to spend the night with her. He says he is sorry but basically his reasoning is it happened two years ago and he hasn't done anything since. How am I supposed to believe that! I mean I don't have any reason to think he's cheated since because he is with his son all time (two years ago he had shared custody) and I know his son would say something to me if he saw dad with another woman.

 

 

 

Plus everything has seemed great between us. Right now I cant even look at him, I can't stand him touching me even if its a hug. He doesn't understand why I am so p.oed at something that happened 2 years ago. he says he's really sorry but he can't go back and change it. I asked (I know dumb thing) if it was something I did (I keep telling myself its not my fault) and he says he was just stupid and young (he was 26 at the time!! and a single dad) and that he's never cheated on anyone before and that it just happened. I just don't understand if he was so unhappy with her why didn't he just leave her and be with me? Or if he wasn't totally happy with me why didn't he just leave me and go back to her? I am going thru so many emotions right now I dont' know what to do. My gut feeling is I love him and I love his son more than anything and it feels wrong to leave over something that happened two years ago but at the same time I also feel that my bf isnt' the person I fell in love with because the person I am in love with could have never done the ONE thing I told him would hurt me more than anything. Does anyone have any advice?

[silktricks]

You don't say how long he was with his ex, but from experience, I can tell you that a breakup/divorce after a long relationship is a very confusing, painful experience, and during one you can do all kinds of things that are quite simply not you.

 

Treating you as he did was wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong and wrong. But that said, it doesn't mean that he is not the person you've been loving for the last two years. It doesn't make him a bad person at heart, and it doesn't mean that you can't have a wonderful future together.

 

Twenty-six is young, and twenty-six can be stupid. He didn't attempt to blame you for his mistakes - which is practically miraculous, as that is what most people do.

 

You are obviously in a LOT of pain over what happened, and it's good that you aren't trying to pretend the pain doesn't exist. Explain to your bf that you are very hurt by what happened, and you will need some time to get past it. (I don't mean time apart, I just mean it will take time.) He can help by being supportive of you, and showing that he regrets what he did - not only seeing her while he was seeing you, but lying about it (in my mind that was the worst part, but it could be different for you).

 

You don't say how old you are, but I'm assuming that you are in your twenties. Everyone has baggage, the older we get the more we have. Everyone has pain in their past. Everyone has hurt someone they love, and lived to regret it. I hope that you will be able to forgive and go on, as you sound very much in love. The forgiveness may take a little while, though. Don't rush it. Deal with the emotions as they come.

 

After you've wallowed in your pool of pain to the point that you are now OK to come out, don't be ashamed of a dip back into the pool on occasion. Once you've decided you can forgive him though, forgive him. At that point, let it go completely and go on.

[quankanne]

I just don't understand if he was so unhappy with her why didn't he just leave her and be with me? Or if he wasn't totally happy with me why didn't he just leave me and go back to her? I am going thru so many emotions right now I dont' know what to do. My gut feeling is I love him and I love his son more than anything and it feels wrong to leave over something that happened two years ago but at the same time I also feel that my bf isnt' the person I fell in love with because the person I am in love with could have never done the ONE thing I told him would hurt me more than anything.

 

as silk pointed out, even when a relationship is over with someone, sometimes it's hard to admit that it's quitting time and things get dragged out. My guess is that while he was definitely attracted to and genuinely liked you, he was still in that period of transition with his ex. And therefore was in two relationships during that time frame – one budding, one waning.

 

you've got every reason to feel hurt – who wouldn't? At some point, we've all been guilty of holding on to a dead relationship while we enter a new one. I think his not volunteering any information about what he was going through was what he felt was the wisest decision because he didn't want to hurt or disappoint you. If he hadn't have given a rat's ass, he would have wallowed in his problems or worse, flaunted them even though it mean causing you pain.

 

either way, it's history, and while you hate the idea of it being how it was, he cannot change that decision. Even if he could, he's damned if he told you then, or damned if he admits it now. What happened in the past is not important. What it all boils down to is this: he chose YOU. Not her. You.

 

are you willing to give up the baggage you're dragging around and give yourself a chance with the guy? Or are you going to hold him to an impossible standard established by some lowlife who hurt you? If you choose the latter, then you're just as culpable for bringing a "third party" (the ghost of your cheating ex) into y'alls relationship as you feel he did back at the start of things ...