what i see...isn't me

[MusicWoman]

I like to watch TV, I look around me when I'm out walking in the street. I see couples all over the place. The ones that look like they are in love, or are in like. I know TV couples aren't real...you either see the really happy ones, or the ones that argue like crazy but you know that they still love each other.

 

None of these is me, and I'm terrified.

 

I'm engaged, with no set wedding date (which is a good thing). I am moving to North Carolina from New York City and moving in with my fiance, and supprisingly this doesn't freak me out. I accually think that it might make things in our relationship a bit better.

 

Let me first ad here, that I have had depression and anxiety almost my whole life. I was diagnosed with bi-polar dissorder, then was getting better and stopped taking my meds (my doctor knew) she said she was so impressed and that maybe i didn't have bi-polar after all. I have this problem where if I'm really upset I just want to go home. I don't think I've found that place yet...

 

So, i know I'm screwed up, and part of that being that I keep falling into these patterns. Be it with my father or my ex, there has always been this pattern of trusting...them not living up to their promises...be becoming really upset (probably overreacting after a while) and so on. I feel that if someone promises me that they will do something, or stop doing something (this without me nagging them) that they should do it. Especially when these things are something thats hurting me.

 

For example, with my fiance, I have fibromyalgia. I sometimes get intense bursts of pain where muscles cramp up in random places. He offers me massages all the time...and come on...i love massages. This is very nice of him. Keep in mind, I am in a lot of pain, and obviously not in a sexual mood. Sex is the last thing from my mind when I'm trying not to scream. Now, if someone is giving me a massage and trys to move into that direction once its not going to make me angry, because then I can just explain that being in pain doesn't put me in the mood. 3 times it has turned into a full on fight about this. He knows, because i have told him many many times that it makes me uncomfortable when he does this. But it keeps happening. He keeps saying he doesn't know why he does it. I told him that, since he also has anxiety and depression, and since hes doing things that he doesn't know why hes doing it, he should see a psyciatrist. He said yes. He didn't make an appointment. It happened again last night...and he slept on the floor. I told him i didn't want to see him again until he made an appointment or that he could prove to me he called all the 15 numbers he got in the city we are moving too.

 

I don't want to feel like I'm his mother (who is a controlling demanding crazy insane evil woman...but hes still a mamas boy)

 

 

I think that my relationship with my ex screwed me up. I was crazy in love with the guy I was with for a year and a half. He broke up with me out of the blue. I've seen him once since then and knew i didn't have romantic feelings for him anymore, but knew that i still wanted to be friends with him. We havn't talked since..and that was about 9 months ago. I'm okay with that, I don't want him back. But, I keep on having dreams about him and my high school sweet heart (first love). They are not dreams about wanting to date them, they are not dreams about doing anything physical with them..i just keep dreaming about them.

 

Maybe I'm just trying to remember what love feels like, because even when I look at pictures of them (I still have a few of both...i'm bad at throwing things away) I can't even remember what it was like to love them. They just look like pictures. The only thing I can remember is that I loved and embraced their little quirks.

 

My fiance has this issue where he sniffles like crazy...even if he doesn't need to...and its like this huge one where you hear all this stuff way back up in there and it drives me crazy. He says hes trying to stop but its habbit.

 

The other thing about my fiance though, is that besides these things that are driving me crazy, hes a really really nice guy. He buys me things on special occasions..and not just to buy stuff...but incredibly..out of his way..thoughtful things. He would do anything for me. This is probably because he is crazy in love with me...but I don't think I'm in love with him. Sometimes I feel like I am but most of the time I don't. I don't know what love feels like anymore. I don't know if its because I'm screwed up, or if its because this relationship just isn't working.

 

Yet, whenever there is any mention of him leaving or us breaking up I get this incredible sinking feeling. I don't think I can accually imagin breaking up with him. So this makes me even more confused.

 

Its so very possible that if i start going to counseling again, and he goes to counseling..and we go to counseling together...that things could really work out great. Maybe thats the nagging feeling thats telling me to stick in there. Along with knowing that he would always do anything for me, and that my family loves him. He takes care of me when I'm sick (which is a lot of the time). I just don't feel sexual towards him. A lot of the time I don't even want to kiss him. I just have this suspiccion though that its a problem with me, and not with him...or just both. But..i really don't think its just him.

 

I know that a lot of you are going to advise me not to get married if I'm feeling unsure, and let me tell you that I know this, and I'm not going to get married until I am 100% sure how I feel.

 

Thanks..for any help..or words...or understanding that any of you can leave me with...thanks

[stillafool]

I think you will know what love feels like when you find it. From your post it doesn't sound like you are in love with your fiance. I think he is probably a good, dependable guy who loves you dearly but you don't feel the same way. The reason (I think) he gets aroused when he gives you massages is because he loves you, needs you sexually and can't control his feelings towards you. I think this would be normal for any man. True you are in pain and can't have sex, and as long as he's clear about that; don't beat him down because you arouse him.

 

Your dreaming about your ex's - could it be that your heart is trying to tell you something. You are right I would advise you to not get married until you know what and who you really want. Also think about your finance, he deserves to be loved fully by someone also.

[Becoming]

If you're not anymore, get back into therapy. It'll help you sort through all these things that are obviously trying to get your attention (i.e. dreams). What clued me in was what you were saying about expectations of others. There ain't no Prince Charming. Period. He has sinus problems, sciatica, mother issues, etc. Prince Charming is a myth designed to keep us little girls addicted to romantic ideas that will just turn us into disappointed hags that men can ignore. Men get what they want--an infantilized sex object that once they're done with they can ignore and blame for being nag hags.

 

We all have issues. Is this guy worth all the trouble of intensive therapies? He may well be, but you need to know what you're in for. I suspect he'll be expecting you as his new Mama to do all the work of the relationship, and you need some care too. You'll have to constantly be putting boundaries down and enforcing them, like you did by trhowing him out of bed. Is he able to understand anyone else's needs? He seems like a selfish child used to getting his own way and his own point of view validated as reality while other people's perceptions are "just perceptions." This spells trouble if not dealt with by professionals.

 

Are you too afraid that you'll end up alone to let him go?

 

When fear runs the show, it's a bad show with a long run and a tragic end.

 

Do you really want to move to where this guy is? What if it doesn't work out?

[blind_otter]

It seems to me, from reading your post, that there is some emotional detachment or numbness, and that you are confused about why you have no sexual feelings for your finace. Have you always had issues with expressing intimacy through sexual contact? Or just in this relationship? You think your past relationships traumatized you....how soon after it's end did you begin interacting with your fiance?

 

I get the idea that you need to cultivate some self awareness so you can examine what feelings are motivating your behaviors. And IME everyone shies away from the real source of confusing behaviors, because the feeling associated with it is very bad indeed, and because for whatever reason, be it their childhood, or traumas, or negative thought patterns, they find that feeling that preceded those confusing behaviors to be extremely painful.

 

If you don't know yourself, how do you really know what you want, where to go, or who to trust...or what kind of expectations are realistic?

[Outcast]

Its so very possible that if i start going to counseling again, and he goes to counseling..and we go to counseling together...that things could really work out great.

 

I think you have an excellent idea there. You both have issues which will cloud your ideas and feelings. The dreaming about exes is nothing, really. You've been trying to conjure up memories of them so your brain fell in and brought you dreams of them.

 

I also agree with Becoming about the fairytale prince stuff. You have to accept and understand that your partner will not be 100% perfect all the time and that he may continue to do a few things that bug you and you should just ease up and relax. Make a joke of it rather than reacting in anger.

 

But absolutely get individual and joint counselling; there's not just the two of you in this relationship but you two and your respective issues. And don't go on just how you are feeling - if you're bipolar your feelings are unreliable; you need to work with your cognition and get help to sort out what's a genuine feeling and what's caused by your past, your condition, etc. etc.

[Becoming]

Actually, I think it'd be a good idea if everyone got good individual therapy and couples' counseling at the beginning of a serious long-term relationship. If my H and I had done this years ago instead of 25 years in, we'd have saved ourselves so much pain! It has made all the difference in the world.

That and marriagebuilders stuff--look on their website under basic concepts. Good stuff to work through together.