Why Men Cheat

[Blackfrost]

I think either men will cheat or they won't. It's either in their makeup to do it or it's not at all....

 

Sorry to say 2sunny, but this is not true. Relationships are organic processes that change over time, and if your relationship does not have clear and open channels of communication, alot men will only go so long - before they reach a realization that they are not happy. Some men will solve this by:

A) becoming depressed and broken

 

B) Decide they love their children and don't want to lose them in divorce (but no longer have a connection with their partners)

 

C) some see it as a right of passage into the "i am now wealthy enough to buy whatever I want - so why should I not have what want"

 

D) Some see it as a reward to themselves once in a while, because they don't feel like anyone at home rewards them for their hard work.

 

E) And some guys, and this tends to be a very prevalent thought amongst many guys i've known , want to experience certain things in life (for their own personal reasons) that can never be attained at home: threesomes, foursomes, a block of hours of total and complete pampering that requires nothing in return other then paying the bill, curiosity toward sleeping with women of other races, the list goes on and on. We see it happening on tv all the time. Charlie Sheen and his wild all women parties. Hugh Hefner and his Playboy mansion. Rock stars living the rock star lifestyles. All guys wonder what it would be like to just live for a moment inside that world.

[silktricks]

Because in this particular instance, we were throwing out ideas regarding what a MAN might gain from an escort and what his mindset MIGHT be.

 

But the OP said:

 

What is it about marriage that makes women want to stop having sex with their husbands? None of the men I consorted with were disgusting or gross, and they were all wonderful lovers. I heard stories of wives who had completely shut their husbands out of the bedroom, women who were too busy with the kids to bother with their husbands, women who turned down sex time and time again...ladies, honestly, men are sexual creatures. Just how long do you think he can live without it?

 

To me, this thread is not just about what men might gain from an escort, but rather what is wrong with the relationship he is in. Yet many of the comments on this thread put the blame with the relationship back on the man. Not, of course, saying that the man hasn't been neglecting the relationship, he probably has. But the odds are high that the wife has also been neglecting the relationship.

 

I don't know if I'm just having a hard time explaining what I mean, but I'll try again. It's very easy to say I did this because he did that, then he says well I did that because you did this other thing. At some point, someone needs to throw out all of the blaming, and just show love. It must be just as difficult for the man in the relationship to do that as it is for the woman. It may even be more difficult, not ever having been men, we couldn't know that.

 

(Do you have ANY idea how odd it feels that I - one of the few BS who posts on this forum - am putting some of the problem on the wife, and the OW are only supporting her?)

 

I guess what I'm talking about is summed up by HeyYouGuys:

Men need to have a better understanding of female nature.

along with the corrallary that women need to have a better understanding of male nature.

[pricillia]

To the original poster,

 

I think that sex is very important and yes men are sexual creatures, I must ask a question though as it sounds like you have been with many men. How do you keep yourself safe from STD"S? Is that a concern for you? Are you in a relationship at this time with someone that you love? How did you get into this profession and why did you choose this? For me personally I do love men but there has to be that connection with someone physical... and yes ofcourse emotional. I would want that someone to care about me and think of me as thier lover friend and be that someone special...

 

Now I up until recently was the OW to someone that I felt so strongly about but I don't think that I can be with him again as I have feelings for him and it got too complicated. Have you ever developed feelings for any of your clients?

[Provider]

Priscilla, I keep myself - and my clients - safe by using protection and responsible sexual practices. I am not in a relationship with anyone right now, nor do I want to be, which was one of the reasons I got into this in the first place (I've got needs, too, lol!) Really, though, to answer that question, I got into it for a variety of reasons, mainly because I'm pretty uninhibited and needed money, and well, it just sort of developed. I still ask myself the same question from time to time, but what I do know is that I do enjoy it.

 

I have sort of developed feelings for one of my clients, but they're not serious or deep. He is my favorite, though, and he gets, shall we say, "special" treatment (visits on credit, "preferred" rates, that sort of thing). But that's as far as it'll ever go. I have no interest in having any sort of relationship with anyone right now.

 

I do have a blog that sort of touches on a lot of these points. If you're interested, PM me and I'll send you the link.

[alfagrl]

Provider,

How old are you? how long have you been doing this? I didn't think there was a large female clientel out there but I guess there is a market, are you compensated well. This is fascinating. If this is too personal you don't have to answer.

[Provider]

Yeah, that's heading into waters that might be a little too deep, alfa. No offense, but there is a level of anonymity that I need to keep. I'm in my 30's, I'll offer up that much.

[lovernotafighter]

provider,thank you for the really interesting and informative thread,thanks for sharing your life with us..you don't have your PM on yet..Im not sure how many posts it takes..but please keep me in mind,I would love to read your blog!

[rossi]

My story, very short.. My husband and I had been married for 15 years, we were and are in love, I love him and I know he loves me too.

After my second child was born many things change in our marriage.

We had some issues like every marriage, My complains were that he was spending to much time with friends, hes complanins were i did not like his friends (many of them cheaters), i did not like his family (i had my reasons and he knew this). We had a very good sex life since we got marriage. Sex in the early in the morning at nithg, midnight....When he came home late, i used to get angry at him and when to sleep with my son. The first time I did it , i was sleeping with my son for one whole month. He never said or asked why. I was the one who look for him and go back to our bed. This was my pattern for almost a year, the first time was december 2004, the second time was May 2005, he met the OW april 2005, the 3er time two weeks 8/2005. He started sex with the ow not sure early or late June until september 3 2005. This was the last time they had sex because i found out about the affair. I know that this situation drove my husband into the affair. He never told me that he was depressed because the problems in our marriage, he told me in january 2005 to find a MC, i never paid attention to that, i thought i'm not the one who was going out with friends, and living the family alone during weekends. I thought it was all his fautl. The point is that my husband was not getting enough sex from me, he also was having sex with boths of us, the ow and me during the best time of his affair. The part that i don't get it is why he change as soon as i found out about the affair. Now he is not going out with friends anymore, we go together everywhere, we are having sex as regular or more often now, we are communicating better now. The affair was a wake up call for both of us. I had learned that men need sex and they need to try new things. I remenber the first months after the affair was ended, my husband could'tn keep an hard erection for months. I think he was feeling guilting for all the pain he caused to me. Now we are doing very well, i'm the one who feel depresse some time. but he is doing the best that he could to make me happy.

[pricillia]

Priscilla, I keep myself - and my clients - safe by using protection and responsible sexual practices. I am not in a relationship with anyone right now, nor do I want to be, which was one of the reasons I got into this in the first place (I've got needs, too, lol!) Really, though, to answer that question, I got into it for a variety of reasons, mainly because I'm pretty uninhibited and needed money, and well, it just sort of developed. I still ask myself the same question from time to time, but what I do know is that I do enjoy it.

 

I have sort of developed feelings for one of my clients, but they're not serious or deep. He is my favorite, though, and he gets, shall we say, "special" treatment (visits on credit, "preferred" rates, that sort of thing). But that's as far as it'll ever go. I have no interest in having any sort of relationship with anyone right now.

 

I do have a blog that sort of touches on a lot of these points. If you're interested, PM me and I'll send you the link.

 

 

Thanks for the answer provider. I have not been in many relationships and in the past did enjoy sex but did not really know the intense power that it has. I am seeing someone right now and all I would like to do is please him as he does the same for me. I really enjoy all of the good things shall we say that come with being with him and I love to make him happy.

 

Just yesterday I had a younger aquaintence in his early 20's come up to me, (I am in my late 30's) and strike up a conversation and he told me that he was a virgin and he would like to take me out and said that he needs a teacher so to speak. I thought hmm kinda wierd but the thought was nice that he would see me as an experienced woman, not sure why but nice just the same. Have you ever had any single men approach you with such a thing or is your clintel just married?

 

I would like to see your blog as well

[Provider]

I'm not sure how many posts I have to have before I'm able to receive PM's. Can anyone answer that?

 

I will send the link to those who have expressed interest.

[Provider]

Well, it looks like I can't send PM's either. Hmm. How do I fix this?

[No Stress Lady]

Relationships don't just happen and then sustain themselves. They take a lot of hard work, attention and dedication from both partners if they're to succeed and flourish.

 

I totally agree with OP & Curmudgeon - as a soon to be married girl and an ex-OW I think that what matters most in a relationship is ultimately the knowledge that your partner truly CARES about you and doesn't just see you as a) The Breadwinner or b) The Mother - and that you each APPRECIATE your partner and the balance they bring to your relationship. Too many people seem to bypass their partner once kids are involved - children are an addition to not a replacement for the relationship that originally brought you together.

 

I can totally understand the OP's perspective - it's refreshing to see a non-Wife but also non-OW's point of view.

 

When embarking on my own first marriage I will be taking on board lots of thoughts from people like the OP.

 

Incidentally, I would also say that being an ex-OW myself has done me no harm at all in terms of having a much greater insight into men's real viewpoints and feelings when it comes to marriage and how their wives perceive them. And equally, how they perceive their wives.

 

Thanks OP, it's good to get a fresh and honest perspective on a usually stereotypical and ambivalent forum.

[GreenEyedLady]

Does it really matter whose fault it is? Some men will cheat. Why? Because they can. As a W it may be true that he doesn't treat you the way he used to. Blame goes back and forth on why marriages break down. Once you see the disintegration though, and before anything irrepairable has occured you need to ask yourself,"Do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy?"

[CeeJayXX]

Hi all!

 

I haven't been here for awhile. I am really enjoying your thread, Provider. I think you have hit the nail on the head....(absolutely no pun intended...kidding)...But seriously... I think you are a great person for advice here.

 

Would love to discuss this more with you but I have no idea how to PM or anything like that.

 

Thanks for the thread!

[yesmaybe]

Physical touch is the key to a faithful husband/boyfriend.

 

My ex-bf and I were together for 6 years. We were horribly incompatible, and had a very unhappy emotional relationship. However, I don't punish my men by withholding sex or affection (as that would be punishing myself too!), and so we were constantly holding hands, having great sex, etc.. He never looked at another woman.

 

Yes, some men will cheat no matter what. But I would argue that the average man will not cheat if he has a deeply satisfying physical relationship (not just sex...also affection). When he's busy daydreaming about the last time he was having sex with you...or when he gets that warm, fuzzy feeling from you clinging to his arm - other women aren't as exciting.

[silktricks]

Does it really matter whose fault it is? Some men will cheat. Why? Because they can. As a W it may be true that he doesn't treat you the way he used to. Blame goes back and forth on why marriages break down. Once you see the disintegration though, and before anything irrepairable has occured you need to ask yourself,"Do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy?"

Thank-you, GEL, what I was trying to say, but far more succintly!!

[Guest]

My ex-bf and I were together for 6 years. We were horribly incompatible, and had a very unhappy emotional relationship. However, I don't punish my men by withholding sex or affection (as that would be punishing myself too!), and so we were constantly holding hands, having great sex, etc.. He never looked at another woman.

 

If you were so unhappy emotionally, how could you have great sex?

 

Yes, some men will cheat no matter what. But I would argue that the average man will not cheat if he has a deeply satisfying physical relationship (not just sex...also affection). When he's busy daydreaming about the last time he was having sex with you...or when he gets that warm, fuzzy feeling from you clinging to his arm - other women aren't as exciting.

 

 

But what if your needs aren't being met? And you have a "very unhappy emotional relationship". Doesn't the sex and affection mean nothing then?

[violet_21]

yeah wel what about when your boyfriend/husband is not interested in sex with YOU.

then what? Whats the way to stop cheating then?

[Provider]

If your husband/BF isn't interested in sex with you, then there is some other issue there. It could be his issue, it could be your issue, maybe a combination of both. Only you can really determine that. Cheating is a whole different ballgame (pardon the pun) in that situation.

 

I can only speak from my experience with men who ARE interested in sex with their wives or girlfriends, but aren't getting reciprocation.

[Guest]

I would like to share something with this community. I am not doing this to get flamed or judged, but it is just to share the observations that I have made in my travels. Please do not attack me based on my choices. That said...

 

I have worked as an escort. Funny thing is, I don't fit the typical profile for what you might think an escort should be. I'm not even hot - in fact I'm older and overweight, some might even say I'm obese. But most of my repeat clients came back to me time and time again not just for the sex, but for the companionship. They just wanted someone to pay them some attention.

 

Approximately 95% of my clients were married. Out of this 95%, 100% of them did not want a divorce. Most of them would describe their marriages as somewhat happy. But you know what? They're bored. They feel neglected. One once said to me, "it's her marriage, really, I'm just an accessory." That broke my heart.

 

What is it about marriage that makes women want to stop having sex with their husbands? None of the men I consorted with were disgusting or gross, and they were all wonderful lovers. I heard stories of wives who had completely shut their husbands out of the bedroom, women who were too busy with the kids to bother with their husbands, women who turned down sex time and time again...ladies, honestly, men are sexual creatures. Just how long do you think he can live without it? And I'm not just talking about the act of sex. I'm talking about the tenderness, the closeness, the warm, fuzzy feeling he gets from a breast rubbing on his face, a whisper in his ear, a tender embrace...lying naked in bed and just talking to each other about whatever - why does that have to fall to the side when you get married? The act only takes a few minutes, but it's the stuff on either side with a live body - that's what he's really missing. If he just needed to get his rocks off, that's what his hand is for.

 

Now, perhaps in real life these men were boorish asses who treated their wives like crap and that's why they didn't put out for them. I could see how that might happen, but I heard the same story over and over and over again from all different men from all different backgrounds and walks of life - I'm tending to side with the guys on this one.

 

Bottom line, you CANNOT let sex fall by the wayside in your marriage. Sex is just as - if not more so - important as the children, the mortgage, the yardwork, the PTA meetings, the yoga classes, the block club rummage sale, the church picnic, whatever it is that has you so occupied. Please, ladies, please listen to me when I tell you this. No matter how faithful you think your husband will be, he will only be so patient before he DOES start to stray.

 

 

your honesty is greatly appreciated. however, i don't agree with those excuses. when two people marry, they promise "to be true" to the other person. if there are issues in the bedroom, these men need to become less of a COWARD and more of a HUSBAND. they need to express their feelings... talk it out with their WIFE. it is such a cop-out to say that it's alright for these men to go to escorts because "they don't get what they need in bed," etc etc. it's called being unfaithful to your wife and there is absolutely NO excuse for being unfaithful. call me old fashioned (and i'm not old, i'm in my 20s), but this society today is pathetic. marriage isn't taken seriously. just because a man's "sexual needs" aren't met by his wife, it's alright to stray!??! did you ever stop to think that maybe these men are BS-ing you??? i say ... cry me a river. while these men are meeting with you, their wives are at home cooking....cleaning....taking care of the kids....grocery shopping.... things that benefit their MARRIAGE. my father cheated on my mother for six months because he "fell out of love with her." well, A$$, maybe you should have confessed to what you were really thinking before you scarred that person for life. it's all so very sad.

[Sinistervixen]

I am glad someone addressed this issue. Provider thank you for your insight.

I dont put blame on my MM nor myself. Something was missing from his relationship and he admitted it. And the first thing i asked when we started was "what am i providing that you are lacking in your marriage?" I myself have been the one that had strayed, in both my marriages. I know a few reasons why one would look elsewhere. The thing im not understanding at this point is when i strayed, the marriage was done, there was no turning back. I didnt know how to break up correctly, but i knew it was over. Now he is staying with her, she must be giving him the thing he lacked. And im giving him more? sorry i am processing it as i type. Im coming to grips with staying with him.

[Provider]

just because a man's "sexual needs" aren't met by his wife, it's alright to stray!??! did you ever stop to think that maybe these men are BS-ing you???

 

Of course I've thought that they were BS-ing me. But refer to my earlier post where I say I've seen enough clients to know that the story is the same all across the board. NOT ONE of them wants to leave his wife. These guys DO love their wives, but their sex/intimacy needs are not getting met.

 

Furthermore, I could see if these guys were asking for outrageous things or acting out fantasies and fetishes, but they're not. More often than not it's straight up sex. No crazy positions, no unreasonable requests, no off-the-wall stuff. And sure, I indulge their fantasy side a little by wearing something a little sexy, and my level of enthusiasm is naturally higher, and I am willing to "push the envelope" a bit with certain things, but nothing I wouldn't normally do with a personal partner. There is nothing spectacularly special or unique about me or what I'll do - and remember, I'm a plus-sized woman in my 30's. If you saw me on the street on an average day, you wouldn't look twice. You might assume I'm married with a couple kids and a dog myself (I do have a dog, but that's as far as the truth in that assumption is concerned). That is, more than anything, what leads me to believe that these guys care less about the actual mechanics and more about the intimacy.

 

I agree that a cheater will cheat no matter what. My father cheated on my mother. I've had two relationships end because of cheating. But I am not in this business to facilitate or condone cheating. I am in this business to pay my bills, and if my client is violating marriage vows when he hires me, that is his cross to bear. And while this might be a bit of a stretch as analogies go, just as a waitress is under no position or obligation to refuse to serve dessert to an obese customer, I am under no obligation to impose any moral judgment on the men who utilize my services.

 

If anything, being in this business has taught me a lot about human nature. And you know what? It's the guys you least expect to cheat - the family guys, the soccer coaches, the pocket-protecter-weilding computer geeks, the gentlemen, the soft-spoken semi-retired guys - who are doing it.

 

Form whatever opinion you will of me and my "career," but I'm just calling it like I see it.

[sad MM]

Provider:

 

You have offered a valuable opportunity to examine many of the reasons why some men cheat. As a MM who is struggling to deal with the serious consequences that come with an extramarital affair, I applaud your contributions and request that you continue to inform the people who visit this forum.

 

My W is a good person and a fantastic mother to our children. But neither these qualities nor wedding vows were enough to prevent me from responding to the intimacy and affection offered by my OW. Although I am deeply saddened that I have become emotionally entangled with another woman, I was heartened to read your posts. My OW and I have not engaged in any sexual or physical intimacy but the powerful emotions that I experience with her are not to be believed. It is easy to relate to the stories that some of your clients have shared, and I wholeheartedly agree that the need for intimacy, and not just sexual gratification, will give some men all the reasons they need to cheat.

 

Again, thank you for your contributions, and all the best.