i've been had.

[Poot]

We had just passed our 1 year.

 

i went on a road-trip on my motorcycle by myself out east for 1 week . I did not phone my gf more than2 times during the first 5 days. i dont like to make calls.

 

I spoke to her last, and didn't say i loved her at the end of the convo.

 

I wasn't able to meet her in summer studies in Quebec, i said. I ended up being able to get there, but she was not there. i waited into the morning, the whole time she was ignoring my calls. I was suspicious, but didn't know what to think. i was tired from getting no sleep. I rode back home with no sleep.

 

i left tons of messages and phoned at least 25 times that sunday.

 

 

She calls me on monday morning to let me know that she has cheated on me.

 

We talk on tues. and i get the details. she made out with him on sat. morning, and f***ed him on sat. night (i guess while i was calling her). she was ignoring my calls to get back at me. she only checked the messages after arriving on sunday evening when her coordinators told her someone (me) had come looking for her sat. night.

 

 

I have since broken down through email , professing my love for her, even though my heart is broken. I spilled everything I ever thought, and did wrong. everything i felt guilty about. everything i could have done differently.

 

 

She hasn't called me more than 2 times. they are very strict about making phone calls where she is, but she also has a cell.

 

 

its killing me. Everyone i know tells me to leave her. these feelings are supposed to pass.

 

The most painful thing, is not only that she cheated on me, and that i can't remember her apologizing (maybe 1 time on the first call, but i dont remember). no please take me back. nothing. no attempts to call.

 

she just seemed to accept that i was automatically leaving her. I told her everything on the phone on the 2nd conversation. I told her I loved her deeply, but i had 2 halves of my heart .

 

 

I figure that if this was anywhere near important to her, as it was to me, that she would call. her supervisors know what happened after she broke down crying.

 

she hasnt called me. it shows that she does not care for me at all anymore. its the deepest hurt I have ever known.

 

 

 

its hard to know where to turn to.

[MarnieGirl]

it sounds like she was tired of being disappointed by you and moved on. she should have ended it with you first, but if you don't call her, she can't tell you what's going on.

 

i think you have a classic "too little, too late" situation. relationships take investment, and it sounds like you didn't make one in yours. time to move on.

[Poot]

thats partially what i feel. it would have been nice if she had communicated. all of her things are still here in my room (we lived together) so im reminded more.

 

i know that you are right. but there is also the wrongness. i guess its hard to tell a whole story.

[Walk]

I get the feeling that you've been emotionally pretty unavailable to her for the past year. You made it sound like you waited until you found out she cheated on you to tell her how you really feel about her. Most women need some level of deeper connection that comes with verbal communication. Not just actions. And I'm not entirely convinced your actions conveyed any depth of emotion either. You barely called her while you were off doing your own thing. Gave her the impression you wouldn't come see her. Then when you do you seemed to think she should've just been there. Waiting for you.

 

I'm not saying this is accurate. I don't know the whole story. Maybe you could expound on it some so we have a better picture of how your relationship was as a whole.

[Sal Paradise]

it sounds like she was tired of being disappointed by you and moved on. she should have ended it with you first, but if you don't call her, she can't tell you what's going on.

 

i think you have a classic "too little, too late" situation. relationships take investment, and it sounds like you didn't make one in yours. time to move on.

 

Thats still no excuse for that skank to cheat on him. I don't care how bad he treated her. Cheating is never justified. She could of broken up with him. No one forced her to stay.

[Poot]

Well, I will say that i didn't pay enough attention. this i guess was in part that im pretty occupied (timewise) with work, and then i have also many things on the side.

 

she wanted me to quit my job. she took 3 summerschool courses "to show me what its like". she was pretty busy, but i was also still busy. i didn't want to quit my job, because i set a goal where i will decide when i save a certain amount of money.

 

she was pissed because i didn't enroll in university, and we would have many arguments on that lifestyle choice of whether a person needs to go to school to be successful. all that jazz.

 

when she was visiting her family in the states during the first 2 days of my trip, they apparently were telling her how im not good for her, because im not supporting her,and i dont have plans for school, or family.

 

however, the job i have now is no supermarket clerk job. i manage an auto-detailing shop that is pretty high-end , and taking the job in the beginning was a great idea, because it moved me about 2 or 3 income brackets higher.

 

this is all unimportant though.....in our arguments my point was that you dont need to go to school to be successful. i dont want to get into it, but you can see where it was going.

 

 

i cant say anymore right now.

[Computer]

Hi,

 

And WTF! You should seriously consider it a blessing that you didn't stay with her a minute longer than you did. The longer, the worst the pain. She was no good, man. And there is no reason for you to justify her cheating in ANY way because it still doesn't matter. There is no excuse for anybody to ever cheat. I don't care if she was physically abused on a daily basis; she still had options. It's things like this that piss people off on the threads. And woman just love to make lame excuses to justify their wrong-doings. And yet other feminists feel bad for them and suck up to yet another scorn female. But oh boy just wait until you do something wrong. Society plays it like this: if a woman cheats, she's innocent until provent guilty. However, if a man cheats, he's guilty until proven innocent. We are seen as nothing more than predators and harsh animals when the story is read - maybe until there is some light shed on who we really are.

 

You might say this was all unnecessary to be spoken of, but I just read from two others who responded as if YOU had something to do with her cheating. Obviously, THEY should seek help instead of adding their two cent. Anyhow, it's going to hurt to say it but your girl is a GONER. Don't spend a second contemplating when there's no need or reason to. And by far, the worst thing you could have done was call her a thousand times and email her to say you were sorry and you love her. PEOPLE (all readers), when you do this you are only subtly rewarding your partners for what they have done. You are saying "if you cheat on me, I will tell you how much I love you and reward you with the WORLD!"

Remember this: if she strays away, she pays!

 

[email protected]

[Sal Paradise]

Well, I will say that i didn't pay enough attention. this i guess was in part that im pretty occupied (timewise) with work, and then i have also many things on the side.

 

Still no excuse for her behavior. Don’t let her or anyone else guilt you into thinking you caused this. No one forced her to do anything. She used it as an excuse to cheat. Hell she probably would of done it regardless of how you treated you.

 

That’s not to say you can’t learn from this (we can learn from any experience). But you certainly shouldn’t feel like you forced her into this behavior. The blame for her cheating falls 100% on her. Period, end of discussion.

 

she wanted me to quit my job.

 

You shouldn’t have to quit your job to make her happy. Your occupation is your business not hers. I’m sure she knew what you did for a living when she met you. The problem is she probably thought she could change you.

 

she was pissed because i didn't enroll in university, and we would have many arguments on that lifestyle choice of whether a person needs to go to school to be successful. all that jazz.

 

Once again she had no right to demand or even expect this from you. She knew who you were when she got with you. Sounds like she wanted to mold you into her fantasy of what her ideal version of you is. You’re better off without this controlling skank.

 

You’re free now to find a real woman.

 

when she was visiting her family in the states during the first 2 days of my trip, they apparently were telling her how im not good for her, because im not supporting her,and i dont have plans for school, or family.

 

however, the job i have now is no supermarket clerk job. i manage an auto-detailing shop that is pretty high-end , and taking the job in the beginning was a great idea, because it moved me about 2 or 3 income brackets higher.

 

The more you reveal the more snobby and shallow she appears. I don’t know man, I think I’d see this as a blessing in disguise and move on.

 

 

You have a good job that should be good enough for her. If it isn’t then she’s the one with the problem. She sounds like one of those people who are never satisfied. They always want more than what they have (hence the cheating). I think you should learn from this, pick a better partner next time. Try to be a better partner by making more time for the next girl. Sure the relationship was bad and you played a part in that. But it sounds like no matter what you did she wouldn’t be satisfied. If I was getting nagged by her all day I wouldn’t want to spend time with her either.

 

Just remember, nothing you did caused or justified her cheating. That’s all her fault. Its also completely unreasonable for her to expect you to drop a good paying job you liked to go back to college, just to make her happy.

[MarnieGirl]

calm down with the rolly-eyes, sal. no one is excusing her, just explaining what probably happened--not whether it was right or wrong.

 

 

By the way, it did absolutely have a lot to do with the original poster. Just because she cheated doesn’t make him perfect.No, she absolutely should not have cheated on him, but she wouldn’t have if she weren’t so unhappy. Unhappiness doesn’t happen overnight, it takes time. And she obviously wasn’t happy.

 

No, she shouldn’t have cheated. But you seem to think this girl was just trying to be hurtful. I don’t think she was, I think she was in the process of trying to figure out how and when to end the relationship. She didn’t feel any connection with him because, as he admits, he didn’t pay any attention to her anymore anyway. For all intents and purposes, their relationship was shot; when you’re over someone and they haven’t treated you well anyway, it can be easier for some than others to say “I have no allegiance to this person anyway. What difference does it make if I screw up.” Then they do, then there’s a reason to finally break-up.

 

No one said it was okay. Just that it does happen that way.

 

Once again, just a disclaimer, no one is excusing her cheating. But ‘why’ she did it is different that “this is the reason that makes her behavior okay.” And no one is saying that at all.

[Chinook]

Poot -- Cheating is a choice. No one held her arm up her back to do it.

[MarnieGirl]

Poot -- Cheating is a choice. No one held her arm up her back to do it.

 

yes it is a choice. and something lead up that choice. she should have finished one thing before she started another, but he obviously knows cheating was her choice. ?

[purspeed]

You need to ignore her, date other women, never tell her you love her and act like an a**h*** (many women love a**h***s).

 

Then, you'll be using her low esteem against her. She'll come back to you.

[POOTs]

damn...this is really hard.

 

its sunrise, and i haven't slept yet. i almost lost will and phoned her, but immediately hung up. she hasn't attempted contact with me again. im certainly not going to make the move.

 

 

i figure that if she in anyway had any feelings whatsoever, or felt any trace of guilt she might have called. but then my other half says all kinds of s***.

 

its crazy bein a gemini.

 

 

i'm going to sleep.

hopefully.

[Poot]

well , its over.

 

 

it really friggin' hurts, but I and we know its best. I will forgive her once she comes back to my home from school in 1 month. i guess im a doormat.

 

 

oh well. better to have loved and lost? not so sure.

 

thanks everyone.

[purspeed]

I know you are hurting, but grow a spine. The world is full of fine babes.

[amaysngrace]

I say the relationship wasn't that solid to begin with if she was able to cheat within days of your leaving. At least from her point of view.

 

Also, she took classes to let you know "how it feels" that she's not around. How immature.

 

You deserve a grown-up relationship, and this girl seems like all she's good at is playing games.

 

Call her bluff...don't ever call her again.

[ronnieromance]

Man, these things happen. It sucks when you get blindsided, but the fact ofthe matter is, it's best to move on.

 

Get on a dating site, like webdate and find someone else. Really, the worst thing you can do is beg and plead. Whatever her reasons for cheating were, are now compunded by a loss of respect and conditioning her to equate her cheating with your crawling.

 

Not a good combo. Webdate is your answer.

 

 

-R-

[Sal Paradise]

Well as I told you previously I think I’d see this as a blessing in disguise and move on. The best way to get over an old girl is to go out and find a new one. Not a girl to rush into a relationship, just one to roll in the hay with and have a little fun. Ignore the ex, never call her or answer her calls. Go NC and stick with it.

[KNE10]

What is the difference between finishing it off so that you can cheat and finishing it off after you cheated? The outcome is the same. The thought was there from before.

 

I thing that rushing to finish something off so that you can be with someone else is equally as bad and disrespectful to the other person as cheating.

[Walk]

The point I was attempting to make in my previous post was that Poot (later when he's had time to gain some distance from this) might want to evaluate his actions and how that might affect the other person in the relationship with him. NOT that he did anything wrong, or that he caused her to cheat, or that he was to blame. Only that if his lifestyle continues along the same path, and he doesnt' make time for someone he's dating, then the relationship won't continue. There has to be mutual effort to sustain it. If he can only give 10% of himself, then he needs to find someone who is comfortable with only 10%.

 

The relationship wouldn't have lasted anyway, not with her attempting to change everything about him. But he might want to consider finding someone who shares values and views a little closer to his own.

[amaysngrace]

The relationship wouldn't have lasted anyway, not with her attempting to change everything about him. But he might want to consider finding someone who shares values and views a little closer to his own.

 

Agreed. You need someone who shares your zest for living and wants to jump on the back of the bike with you!

 

And also wants to take time out for lovin' along the roadside.

[Walk]

Agreed. You need someone who shares your zest for living and wants to jump on the back of the bike with you!

 

And also wants to take time out for lovin' along the roadside.

 

Or someone with a more independent spirit. Able to live her own life, and following her own dreams, while sharing portions with him.

 

Not dependent on someone else for her emotional well-being like this girl sounded like.

[Poot]

Hi all,

I've been trying to get on with my life here. I have been thinking about it, although i guess i'm not supposed to.

Its become a lot easier, even though i still can't help thinking about it often.

I have talked with her since , and we got a few things out of the way. I still feel the love for her....

 

Lots of things have started happening in my life, because i've sorta had a change in mentality. Its odd, because she probably would have liked the changes.

I still feel very much for here, and dont seem to be able to shake that and some other thoughts from my head.

 

I'm thinking of making a trip up to where she is, so we can spend a weekend together, so i can really see if things that ive been thinking in my head have any basis. I want to see what person she has become. I'd like her to see that I have changed. I wouldn't even consider anything sexual, but i think that I kind of need the occasion to be able to either kill whats left of the feeling, or maybe have somthing start at some later point.

That later point, im thinking would be down the road, so as to not get clouded thoughts, and to see what shes like. I think that if shes the person that she was going to be, then I could see something with the person I am changing into. Its kind of fortunate that my old self is currently undergoing some big changes, because i was in limbo.

 

If anything were to ever happen, it would have to be total commitment, with changes from both sides, and total faith (which she lacked). This is what I have to see is possible or not. spending a weeked alone (relatively) would let me see first hand whats there or not.

 

 

I guess I'm just posting to get some feedback . Of all the advice that i've gotten (everything from offers to beat her up), i have thought that to follow my heart to be the best one.

 

 

 

POOT,

[climbergirl]

Hi all,

I've been trying to get on with my life here. I have been thinking about it, although i guess i'm not supposed to.

Its become a lot easier, even though i still can't help thinking about it often.

I have talked with her since , and we got a few things out of the way. I still feel the love for her....

 

Lots of things have started happening in my life, because i've sorta had a change in mentality. Its odd, because she probably would have liked the changes.

I still feel very much for here, and dont seem to be able to shake that and some other thoughts from my head.

 

I'm thinking of making a trip up to where she is, so we can spend a weekend together, so i can really see if things that ive been thinking in my head have any basis. I want to see what person she has become. I'd like her to see that I have changed. I wouldn't even consider anything sexual, but i think that I kind of need the occasion to be able to either kill whats left of the feeling, or maybe have somthing start at some later point.

That later point, im thinking would be down the road, so as to not get clouded thoughts, and to see what shes like. I think that if shes the person that she was going to be, then I could see something with the person I am changing into. Its kind of fortunate that my old self is currently undergoing some big changes, because i was in limbo.

 

If anything were to ever happen, it would have to be total commitment, with changes from both sides, and total faith (which she lacked). This is what I have to see is possible or not. spending a weeked alone (relatively) would let me see first hand whats there or not.

 

 

I guess I'm just posting to get some feedback . Of all the advice that i've gotten (everything from offers to beat her up), i have thought that to follow my heart to be the best one.

 

 

 

POOT,

 

I think this is a good idea....to see where it goes. I don't see how it can hurt. Closure one way or another.