Guest Posted July 8, 2006 Share Posted July 8, 2006 I am 31 and my boyfriend is 34. We have been dating for 4 years. We dont live together. we have a great relationship. We barely argue. We enjoy each other's company. His family loves me and my family loves him. But he still hasnt proposed to me. We talk about eventually getting married but its nothing but talk. How long should I wait? Im not getting any younger. Should I tell him I'll leave him? When I think about leaving him it breaks my heart because there is no other reason to leave him. I know I have much to offer and any other guy would have asked me by now. I can't understand why he hasn't asked me yet. He never gives me a straight answer. I dont bug him all the time about it. I just brought it up a couple times. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 8, 2006 Share Posted July 8, 2006 I am not married, so I can't explain what marriage is like, but I can give you my sincerest opinon in the matter. I am 26 years old, my fondest memories include my mother marrying a genuine and kind man. This man took her and I from poverty and lifted us to upper-middle class. We both knew that we would always be taken care of whenever we needed it. How does this relate to you, well my mom and step-father were together for 7 years ptior to him proposing to her. His reason was simple, he wanted to make sure that he was in it for life. He knew in his heart that my mom would be there 'till the end, but he wasn't at a point in his life that he felt he was ready to make that life-long comittment. He knew he loved her and he couldn't picture himself with anybody else or picture his life without my mom and I. But he had to make sure that he felt 100% loyal to himself and his soon to be family. Finally, he did propse to her, and in 1992 I was with them at their wedding, my part in it, was the bestman. That made me know that he was in it for life. He said that I was his bestman in his wedding, because I was his son and a son is always his dad's bestman. My advise to you, don't pressure him into anything he isn't 100% ready for. Cherish the relationship God has given to you now. Your day will come and I am sure it will come soon enough. If this love is as true as you say, then you don't need to be married to make it better. He loves you and his heart is true to you. He knows that you are ready for marriage and he will make you his wife if it is God's will. God Bless you both as well as your families. Remember that God has a plan and a purpose for all of us and he will present your plans in due time. Age has nothing to do with marriage. There are many people much older then you and he that are marrying everyday, let your day come when the time is perfect. Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted July 8, 2006 Share Posted July 8, 2006 Do you want to get married because you want kids soon? Or are there reasons for marriage because of health, finances, or tax breaks? I dated my exH for over 4 years before he proposed. We never talked about it much before he proposed. I wish we had talked about it more, maybe we wouldn't have had so many problems in our marriage. Anyway... We got married our 5th year together. And it was all down hill from there. We were happy dating... but after getting married.. I don't know... I felt he took it for granted that I would never leave. That no matter how he acted, or treated me, that I was officially his. He wasn't horrible, nothing abusive. Just little stuff that piled up over time. We hadn't had that problem while dating. Things had been good overall. Normal couple problems, but nothing serious. We got a divorce 4 years after getting married. We were seriously in trouble only 2 years after getting married. IF you are serious about getting married. TALK about it first. Doesn't have to be about when you two are, but talk about how each of you view it. What marriage means to each of you as individuals. What roles a husband, or wife plays. Expectations. That's a big one. Talk about your expectations in marriage. My bf and I talk about these things. We don't discuss the ring, or the wedding ceremony, but how we view the institution of marriage and what our expectations of the other person are after marriage. Our views and opinions. And most importantly, what we see past marriage. Beyond the initial ceremony. How to develop and grow our relationship even after that milestone has been crossed. Because if a relationship isn't growing, then it's declining. So what do you see after marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 8, 2006 Share Posted July 8, 2006 Do you want to get married because you want kids soon? Or are there reasons for marriage because of health, finances, or tax breaks? I dated my exH for over 4 years before he proposed. We never talked about it much before he proposed. I wish we had talked about it more, maybe we wouldn't have had so many problems in our marriage. Anyway... We got married our 5th year together. And it was all down hill from there. We were happy dating... but after getting married.. I don't know... I felt he took it for granted that I would never leave. That no matter how he acted, or treated me, that I was officially his. He wasn't horrible, nothing abusive. Just little stuff that piled up over time. We hadn't had that problem while dating. Things had been good overall. Normal couple problems, but nothing serious. We got a divorce 4 years after getting married. We were seriously in trouble only 2 years after getting married. IF you are serious about getting married. TALK about it first. Doesn't have to be about when you two are, but talk about how each of you view it. What marriage means to each of you as individuals. What roles a husband, or wife plays. Expectations. That's a big one. Talk about your expectations in marriage. My bf and I talk about these things. We don't discuss the ring, or the wedding ceremony, but how we view the institution of marriage and what our expectations of the other person are after marriage. Our views and opinions. And most importantly, what we see past marriage. Beyond the initial ceremony. How to develop and grow our relationship even after that milestone has been crossed. Because if a relationship isn't growing, then it's declining. So what do you see after marriage?[/QUOT Thanks, everyone, for the replies. I have been worried for a while. Maybe I live in a fantasy world but to me, marrige means being with someone I love and being loved back. It means sharing, caring, and all that stuff. And it means having kids. I dont want to be too old to have kids. After a certain age the risks go up dramatically. My boyfriend is aware of all of this. And he even said he wants kids too.I dont want to waste my time beliving promises that might possibly never come true. If i had kids already I wouldn't be so concerned. And I worry if we dont get married in the next couple years or more we will miss the boat. I'm trying not to worry about things that are out of my control but statistics don't lie. Link to post Share on other sites
katiebour Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 I have been in 2 LTRs, each for over 3 years, where I thought we were on the "marriage" track. Both times, when I made it plain what my views and wants were, they backed off, and eventually broke up with me. There are plenty of men out there who get in a comfort zone- they like where they're at and they don't want to change. They don't want to take on responsibility for another person or commit emotionally or financially. My current BF and I both came into this relationship knowing that, in our minds, a successful relationship becomes a marriage. We both want that legal binding and committment. My BF had proposed twice in the past, and both of his fiancees broke up with him before marriage took place. He bought a ring for another GF of 4 years- she broke up with him before he had a chance to ask. I know that both of us are "the marrying kind." I've been with the other kind and will never do it again. Even if my current BF and I were to break up (unlikely) I will never again date a man who wants anything less than a marriage committment. It's just too hard when one person wants it and the other one doesn't. It sounds like you already know that, but are afraid of being alone, starting over, and/or losing this person that you love and want to marry. Wait if you want- but statistically speaking, the odds of a relationship turning into a marriage start to decrease after the 2nd year. How long are you going to wait? Are you just going to dangle there, hoping, waiting, hinting, for the next 2 years? 5 years? 10 years? At what point do you finally say to yourself, "this person doesn't want what I want?" My advice- get out and find someone who wants a marriage, and not just a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 16, 2006 Share Posted July 16, 2006 It's just too hard when one person wants it and the other one doesn't. It sounds like you already know that, but are afraid of being alone, starting over, and/or losing this person that you love and want to marry. Wait if you want- but statistically speaking, the odds of a relationship turning into a marriage start to decrease after the 2nd year. How long are you going to wait? Are you just going to dangle there, hoping, waiting, hinting, for the next 2 years? 5 years? 10 years? At what point do you finally say to yourself, "this person doesn't want what I want?" My advice- get out and find someone who wants a marriage, and not just a relationship. Thanks for your advice. I have been torn over this issue for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
ThisGirlNameKD Posted July 17, 2006 Share Posted July 17, 2006 If you want to get married, then you should make this known to him. He may feel that because you two have been together this long without marriage being discussed seriously, that it's not a serious issue for you. Men are not mind readers. So if it something you really want, let him know. You don't have to force it to him or beat him down with it, but be firm. Link to post Share on other sites
superconductor Posted July 17, 2006 Share Posted July 17, 2006 Getting a man to commit to marriage is a bit like trying to nail jello to a wall. Sure, you can do it, but it's a bit messy. Having been married (and now divorced), I can assure you that presenting him with a "marry me or I'm gone" ultimatum will end the relationship. If he's not ready, he's not ready, regardless of the length of time you've known each other. For me personally, I just don't see why the big to-do about getting married. Unless there are kids involved, why bother? Seriously... Link to post Share on other sites
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