Wanting to marry, but in a weird situation

[Guest]

I have known my girlfriend for 10 years. I grew up as being best-friends with her older sister. I have been dating my girlfriend now for over 8 months. I really do love this woman with all of my heart. I want nothing more then to be with her for the rest of my life. She is the most kind, caring and loving woman I have ever known. But recently some confusing events took place.

 

My girlfriend has been always overly dependant on her mother. Her father left them when she was young and since that point her mother has handed her everything. She in turn became scared to do anything on her own, without the approval of her mom. She literally could not move on from a day without first speaking to her mother about the day's events to assure that her mom approved of what transpired. In turn this has made her mom very controlling and she demands that things be done her way, if not then it creates a large scene.

 

About a month ago her mom decided to move to Florida with her boyfriend and my girfrind's sister (my best-friend). A week before the move date my girlfriend (after receiving large amounts of preassure from her mom) decided that she couldn't handle being such a long distance from her mother (we live in Vt.). I told her that I would never make her choose between her mother and me, that she needed to make that decision herself. She told me that she loves me very deeply and wants to be together for the rest of our lives. She expressed a desire to move to Florida and find us a nice place to live and have things ready for when I was able to move down with her (I told her in the beginning that we could move after some things here in my life were settled).

 

I also began to express very adimently that she needs to grow independant from her mom, she needs to begin living her own life and that I need to see progress in this aspect, as well as see her keeping her promises to me that she made of her own free-will. I told her that it is necessary for her to allow herself to become her own person without relying on what her decisions may or may not do to her mother. She is a smart woman and she would never make a decision that would intentionally hurt anybody, but she would sacrifice what is best for her to stop her mother from being angry with her.

 

I don't know if I have made a mistake in staying with this woman after she moved away from me, to "get things set-up for us." A little advise would be appreciated. I do love her and I do want to be with her and it has torn me apart for weeks now that she is so far away from me. Keep in mind that I am not a jealous man by any means. If a woman cheats, let her cheat. I will find out the truth one day and that will be my proof that it isn't meant to be. I don't think that my girlfriend would ever cheat on me, she calls me everyday 2-3 times, and we talk for hours. But I still find myself crying myself to sleep everynight. It makes me kind of angry that I know she is falling asleep without tears.

 

 

~lost in Vt.

[Tony T]

You have a serious problem. No matter where her mother lives and no matter where your girlfriend lives, she will ALWAYS be married to her mother and not to you. She will ALWAYS discuss major problems in her family with her mother first, NOT with you. SHE will listen to her mother on how to conduct every aspect of her business.

 

I know that's not what you wanted to hear. I've seen this so many times. It's truly pathetic. Unfortunately, you have to pay the price for what happened in her earlier years and the relationship between her and her mother that developed.

 

I don't care how much you love this gal, it won't change things one bit. You might move to Florida but you will never move to anyplace in the world where her mother won't be number one.

 

You will have problems until her mother departs. If you want to endure those and be second in her life, go for it. I think you would be much better off finding a lady who would put you in the number one slot. That's how it's supposed to be. You seem to be making her number one...do you think things are fair?

[tikigods]

Her mom will always be number 1 in her life, and even if you get married it will be you, her and her mom in bed with you each night. It is hard to be with her already, just imagine how hard it will be when you guys are married, and instead of enjoying a time between the both of you, you are still going to have the mom there.

 

She needs to find a way to become more independent and not so stuck on her mom before she can ever truly give you all the love that you give her, I wouldn't marry her until you get some of these issues resolved, but I doubt that she will. She wants her mom and you, but I think if push came to shove, she would leave you in a heartbeat for her mom

[Guest]

Why do there have to be honest people in this world. lol jk. Thanks a bunch to both of you for your input. I will move to Florida, however, it isn't going to be because she is there. My family lives there and I want to be close to them. Thank god they don't control my life though. And if they ever do, well I'll move back to Vt.

 

I am in better spirits as you can tell. However, this situation still takes it's toll on me day in and day out. I assure you both that I am a strong individual and will tolerate only so much before I leave. I want to see if God has it in hs plan for this to have occured. I will watch how she develops and grows while we are apart. I will see if our relatioship grows strained because of this seperation or if it brings us closer. We are both still very young (her more then I) and alot could change between now and then. One can only hope and pray.

 

It really is heartwarming to know that there are good honest peopl out there, like those who replied to my original post. God works in mysterious ways and I will see what the devine plan is for me. Maybe another broken heart, only to find happiness with someone else. We'll see. God bless you all and may he guide your lives as he has guided mine so well.