Money - should it matter?

[Guest]

the point isn't who makes the money, the point is are you happy? If you aren't happy, then deal with it. but what does it matter if you make the money, he makes the money, or you both make the money??????

[Helly]

The last thing I would ever want is to be in a relationship with lazy bum and resent him so much that I bad mouth him to everyone. I would rather be single.

 

I'm just struggling with the idea of sitting down, making a serious financial plan (with quite a short timeline 'cos this lady's biological clock has started ticking!) and saying if we don't stick to this plan, our relationship is over! Somehow that devalues everything else in our relationship - it ignores the love that's there, our feelings for each other, the good times we have together, the understanding and support that's there. It seems crazy to walk away from something that precious just because there's not enough money in the bank! Aargh! but we're getting nowhere without a plan.

 

It's definitely time for us to make that serious financial plan. but is there anyone out there who's done the same and achieved a huge change? (either improved their finances or walked away when things didn't work out financially?)

[magichands]

the point isn't who makes the money, the point is are you happy? If you aren't happy, then deal with it. but what does it matter if you make the money, he makes the money, or you both make the money??????

 

A wonderfully simple way to put it. I like it. Question marks are expensive - be careful that you don't run out with the way you are spraying them around.

 

But I think the problem here is that the perception is that said dude isn't pulling his weight in the relationship. Specifically, regardless of whatever else he is bringing to the metaphorical table, she is not satisfied with his contribution to - at least - the basic living expenses.

 

And she doesn't want to take on this deficiency (in her eyes) as an official responsibility.

[Outcast]

I'm wondering whether I can accept this situation forever.

 

What situation? And why are you awfulizing? The man has ambition and works hard. What is so hard to 'accept'? Again, MUST you have a man who makes tonsa bucks or is it not good enough for you that he does have ambition and does work toward that ambition?

 

I just don't get it. If it were a case like those Alf mentioned where he did zippo all day, it would be another story but he's working hard by your account. What more do you want? Is he a hopeless boob that simply is too stupid to make it despite all his hard work? Why do you persist in worrying that this will last 'forever'????

[magichands]

I just don't get it. If it were a case like those Alf mentioned where he did zippo all day, it would be another story but he's working hard by your account. What more do you want? Is he a hopeless boob that simply is too stupid to make it despite all his hard work? Why do you persist in worrying that this will last 'forever'????

 

Boy... this extravagant use of question marks is driving me crazy. But I agree, Outcast - he is sounding like a hard-working dude that is on the verge of a breakthrough. Are you starting to get tired of your "investment," and thinking of cashing out?

 

Zippo? You make him sound like a firebug. Or do you think he might be trading them on eBay?

[Outcast]

Boy... this extravagant use of question marks is driving me crazy

 

It indicates extreme puzzlement. Your single punctuation mark is rather ho-hum and ordinary. Barely noticeable. However add another one or two and suddenly there's expression. Emphasis. The functional equivalent of seeing a great big humungous

 

LOL

[Walk]

My ex-sister in law and her husband were in a related situation as you are. She made the money to pay the bills etc, he made enough to pay for his daughters child support and contribute here and there. But he had a job that he really loved. Didn't pay much and both of them knew that from the get go. They struggled because she didn't really earn much either, but it was more then he did.

 

They've been married 9 years now. Situation hasn't changed in that entire time. Every few years she gets into this mind set of leaving him for someone who makes money. It causes problems in their marriage. Then after a while she decides she's fine with it and things run smoothly for a bit. Repeat ever year or two years.

 

They're still married. Not sure if that says anything or not. I'd say most of the time they're pretty happy. Seem like it anyway. And their major problems are caused by her spending habits, not necessarily his lack of income. However, she'll never see that.

[Helly]

I really appreciate everyone’s views on this. (The ones with loads of punctuation and the ones with less!!!!!!!!!!) They give me some perspective on my situation. I can see that our financial situation is a worry and is something to work hard on but it isn’t a reason to walk away from what is otherwise a great relationship.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Hi Helly!

 

I know I'm late on the discussion....

 

How important money is can only be answered by you!! Is it important that you have a 4-bedroom house and a nice car? How important is it for you that your kids will attend the better daycare and nurseries?

 

That said, I agree with the posters here: your financial situation is not likely to change. If that bothers you now... it will bother you 10 times more after you are married. Dating is cheap, but being married is expensive. And if you have kids... forget about any extras that you spend on yourselves.

 

I've been married 10 years. We don't have financial problems... but I can easily see where all the bills come from. Medical insurance for the kids, extracurricalar activities, daycare, babysitter, toys, etc.

 

Good luck!

[Outcast]

That said, I agree with the posters here: your financial situation is not likely to change

 

Um. I totally disagree and never said that. Her husband is working HARD to get established in a career. I think her financial situation will indeed change for the better as all his hard work starts to pay off.

[jerbear]

You can be happy all you want with love but it does not pay your bills.

 

One of the factors for divorce is family finances not other things in life. I had two friends who married for love in their 20's to who I call bums. Now they are divorced and realize love is great but it does not pay the bills.

 

a4a: is right, side flowers are great but it is also great to get it delivered once in awhile by someone else.

 

The question I have is:

 

You maybe fine with it forever but do you see any potetial? As you mentioned it in a post, it means it is on your mind. Do you see potential in his career choice?

 

It seems you entered the relationship and bought it to the next level and now resent the money issue. Did you two evern sit down and figure out each other's spending habits? Do you two have budgets and stick to them?

 

I had friends in college that made less money than their SO's now their SO's (males and females) income exceed their own. At 32, for some it is the start of mid career or the start of a 2nd career.

[alphamale]

You can be happy all you want with love but it does not pay your bills.

 

One of the factors for divorce is family finances not other things in life. I had two friends who married for love in their 20's to who I call bums. Now they are divorced and realize love is great but it does not pay the bills.

I've read many times that the #1 source of discontent in most marriages is finances...

[Fun2BMe]

He does lots and lots for me in other ways. I don't like the thought of not sharing my life with him but some of the things that we want to do seem so impossible and difficult with things the way that they are at the moment.

 

Sometimes love is worth making sacrifices for. Money cannot buy happiness. You will be happier with less of what money can buy and being with him than being with someone you don't love as much but who can give you a more 'comfortable' life.

 

If you can't be satisfied with what he is able to provide you with, then you should leave him now otherwise you will become a part of the group of couples who have fights and eventually break up over money issues.

[HokeyReligions]

It depends on where money falls in your priorities. It IS important - but only as important as you make it.

 

I have supported my husband 95%+ of our marriage. He hasn't worked at all in the last 10-12 or so years. We were homeless for a while too. It IS hard - especially as we are getting older and my own health is going downhill. The pressure on me is terrible at times, but I've adjusted to that and recognize the contributions that hubby does make to the marriage. It's been hard on him too because he feels like he lets me down.

 

Loving someone is not always easy and you have to know what your priorities are. We have split up a couple of times (not just over money) and got back together. When we did have kids we couldn't give them everything they wanted, but they were happy because we loved them and sure they whined sometimes about the things their friends had that they didn't, but they seemed to understand that money isn't everything and accepted what came along.

 

If you budget and plan accordingly then you would probably be OK. There are people who have always had a finanially stable life and then found themselves broke through no fault of their own: Illness or layoff, injury, whatever. There are no guarantees.

[alphamale]

It depends on where money falls in your priorities. It IS important - but only as important as you make it.

I would tend to agree HOKEY.....but i think it would be easier to pull off in cultures outside the USA.

[Helly]

Hokey, You're so right. I'm going to remember your words. i.e. that there are no guarantees and that things can ok so long as you have enough money to get by

 

(For the record, I'm not talking about needing a 4 bedroon house and the best private schools for my kids. I'm concerned about being able to afford the basics. Like a lot of people in London we can't afford more than a 1 bedroom flat. When his daughter comes to stay, we all sleep in the same bed -she's 6 years old - and we can't live like this forever! Don't worry, we're moving to new flat next month with room for her own bed:) London propery prices... <sigh>)

[katiebour]

My experience in LTRs is that, like Cyndi Lauper says, "Money changes everything." When you have enough money to meet your bills, you can relax and enjoy life. When you are behind, you feel anxious and stressed. Your state of mind and stress level are really what affects the relationship.

 

If he can't provide for your household financially, he should be contributing in other ways- chores, childcare, so on and so forth.

 

That being said, I've often read that the most successful relationships are the ones where both parties are contributing both to the finances and also to the household responsibilities.

 

My SO is a non-traditional student in his first year of college. He has no savings, no credit, and when money gets tight I loan him money from my savings. I don't mind it because I have been where he is now, and I know how stressful money can be. I am happy to relieve him of that stress and worry whenever possible.

 

I don't worry about it because I know the situation is temporary- before this he worked 10-hour days at minimum wage and saved up to buy his $5000 video camera (mass communications student- future filmmaker.) He's shown by his track record that he can work hard and save money when he needs to, and I know that once he's out of school that he will contribute more financially.

 

Only you know whether your SO has the potential to be responsible and hardworking. If that answer is "yes," then the only question you really have to consider is if you can survive, financially and emotionally, until he is able to take on an equal financial role.

 

Take care and good luck!

[ladyinwaiting]

My situation is not dissimilar to yours. I earn double my fiance. I work longer hours, have more amabition, and I own a house. I also, for that matter, do most of the housework. I won't deny that sometimes it's hard. Sometimes I find myself resentful of him, for his free time, his laidback lifestyle, the fact he can do a job he likes and never have to worry. Sometimes I get jealous of my friends, who mainly have high earning partners and can afford much nicer houses and yearly trips away. I'll admit that sometimes I even seethe in anger occasion when he spouts leftist ideas or raves against the private sector while eating the scotch fillet purchased through my capitalist income and hard work.

 

But these are all just "sometimes". The rest of the time - most of the time! - I don't care all that much about these things. I earn a good income, and more than enough to support me. What I have in my guy is a fun, hilarious, deovoted, caring partner who is a great listener and my best friend. I reckon I just can't buy that.

 

That said, I admit that I would probably feel very different if I didn't have a good salary. It is hard to live off love alone, and financial difficulties are a major source of tension. I think you need to consider the big picture. and weigh up your priorities. Can you survive on what you earn? Would you want to? What price to you put on your partner's companionship and love? Can you pay it? No one but you can answer these questions.

[bab]

Are you harboring resentment toward the time and money spent on whatever it is he's trying to break into? Do you secretly believe it's just not going to happen? This is my guess. Maybe even more importantly than an official finiancial plan, is a career focus plan for him. What exactly needs to happen for him to "make it"? Is that realistically going to happen? How can he focus his time an energy into a reliable "back up" plan?

 

My brother-in-law wants to be a professional DJ and/or band member. He's working hard and making progress at both of those goals. I think it's realistically going to happen. At least the DJ part. But, what he did that is admirable in the mean time, is that he went to school. He is now a Radiographer. He makes great money at the hospital and at night plays DJ's at local clubs. I'm sure if his DJ'ing career ever gets going well enough that he can support himself, he will walk away from the hospital. I greatly admire him for this. Maybe your bf could do something similar.

[SurpriseSurprise]

There needs to be compatibility. Sometimes this is financial and sometimes just personality (I think this is harder). It is not common for a woman to talk about marring up in class, but not that common for a man. My past relationship I was making more money. I regards to doing things that required money we were both in the same boat. It was just understood something was to expensive to do. Finances were not the main reason we broke up but one of them. She would pressure me that I would need to make more money, not work harder just make more. Take a job I was not going to be happy about or even suited to do like selling cars. My SO had relationships with men that were her equal in status and money. She tells me it didn’t work out for example one of her bf traveled and between both of there schedules they sometimes went months with out seeing each other. Traveling they had the money to go anywhere in the world but would hit a no compromise schedule conflict. That was the end of that relationship. She tells me how much she likes that I am available and accessible. I don’t put her on hold or agree to meet her someplace and be late. She likes that we can make travel plans, even last minute and do it. I can be very flexible were her work schedule it is not that easy.

 

I have felt uncomfortable at times that things are done her way. I am used to living with in my means but she is not used to living with my means. I like to pull my weight, I work hard but financially it will not make us equal.

 

I think in relationships were the man is not the breadwinner the woman still ends up doing the cooking and cleaning. I would say this is too much. We need to share but were I can work less hours and it doesn’t make that much of a difference it does in her case. So if I do the shopping and have dinner ready this helps her in being more focused at work. Financially It has worked out that she takes care of the bills (home, utils travel) and I take care of the food and home improvement being the handyman.

 

It is too early to tell if this is going to work long term. I think it is less of an issue that you make more money then it he does then it does if you don’t come to an agreement as to how that works. I think woman can fall in to that space of being a homemaker and little discussion is needed. For men this is completely different and requires more discussion, agreement and understanding with what both of you expect from each other.

 

So follow your hart and work the other details out as you go.