temptation

[knottyone]

In a bit of a pickle, so I would greatly appreciate any feedback...

here i go-

 

ive been with my bf for almost 8 months now. before this relationship i had been single for a year, and when i met my bf i was more than ready to just settle down and relax.

 

About a month into my relationship I started working at a new job. I was introduced to a co-worker through a mutual friend and to be completely honest i was attracted to him from the moment i met him. we'll call him "temptation" or T for short. I knew I couldn't do anything about it, because I do care about my bf and i just met this guy, so I figured it was just a crush and it would fade.

 

Seven months later, I am still crushin hard. I dont know what it is about him... everytime I see him I get this goofy smile, and when we hang out at work he gives me crazy butterflies and it feels like im in middle school all over again. we smoke together and a lil while back i told him i was goin to quit and he told me "aw, man. that was my excuse for chillin with you" This might've been the reason I relapsed jk

 

Anywho... i've been feeling real confused lately. i love my boyfriend, but sometimes i really just dont know. If i did love him, why would i be crushin so hard on someone else? This temptation person has made me second-guess my relationship for some time now. What bothers me is that I dont even know if tempation feels anythin towards me. I dont want to ask him, because I dont want to scare him away and I dont want to make a fool out of myself. I dont want to end my relationship jus because I happen to be crushin on someone else, but then again i dont want to hurt my bf by staying with him and thinkin of someone else.

 

can someone help a girl out here?

[JadeStar]

Temptation is everywhere you turn in life. I imagine this crush you have on him is possibly that you see some quailties in him that maybe your b/f doesn't posse. Theres nothign wrong with that, we all see other quailties we like in other people besides our spouse or partner. The important thing is wheather we act on that or not. Just becasue this other guy gives you butterflies doesn't really mean you love your b/f any less. However theres a thin line between how you feel and wheather or not you act on this. Does this guy feel the same about you? Is this crush returned? Just be sure you keep your feelings in check, otherwise it could lead to something you really don't need in your life. Or if you feel you want to act on this, you need to at least break things off with your current b/f.

 

 

 

Jade

[knottyone]

Temptation is everywhere you turn in life. I imagine this crush you have on him is possibly that you see some quailties in him that maybe your b/f doesn't posse. Theres nothign wrong with that, we all see other quailties we like in other people besides our spouse or partner. The important thing is wheather we act on that or not. Just becasue this other guy gives you butterflies doesn't really mean you love your b/f any less. However theres a thin line between how you feel and wheather or not you act on this. Does this guy feel the same about you? Is this crush returned? Just be sure you keep your feelings in check, otherwise it could lead to something you really don't need in your life. Or if you feel you want to act on this, you need to at least break things off with your current b/f.

 

 

 

Jade

thnx for the feedback jade im not sure if the crush is returned, how do you think i should go about asking him without looking like a fool?

[JadeStar]

thnx for the feedback jade im not sure if the crush is returned, how do you think i should go about asking him without looking like a fool?

 

 

 

Well since you want to even ask him, I'm assuming you are hoping it is returned otherwise it wouldn't matter. If you are truly interested in him I would say break things off with your b/f first. Weigh your options and see what you feel is more important. This crush or your b/f. Hope all works out with whatever you decide.

 

 

 

 

Jade

[knottyone]

Well since you want to even ask him, I'm assuming you are hoping it is returned otherwise it wouldn't matter. If you are truly interested in him I would say break things off with your b/f first. Weigh your options and see what you feel is more important. This crush or your b/f. Hope all works out with whatever you decide.

 

 

 

 

Jade

 

I'm hoping that if I ask him he'll tell me I'm just a friend and then I can move on with my life. If the feeling is mutual- I don't know what I'd do. Would it be wrong of me to rely on what his feelings are before deciding what I'll do?

[Sal Paradise]

Oh come on. If you're crushing on someone else 1 month into the relationship you need to break up with your boyfriend. You don't love him. As someone else said, there is temptation everywhere. Maybe you shouldn't be in long term relationships. You're essentially emotionally cheating on your boyfriend. You're with him and desiring someone else.

 

I think what you want is to know if this other guy likes you. And if he doesn't you will stay with the boyfriend and if he does you will either cheat on your boyfriend or leave him. Do this poor guy a favor and leave him before you wreck his life more than you already have. You've essentially wasted the last 8 months of his life (8 months he can't get back). Don't waste more of his life so you can have your cake and eat it too.

[Sal Paradise]

I'm hoping that if I ask him he'll tell me I'm just a friend and then I can move on with my life. If the feeling is mutual- I don't know what I'd do. Would it be wrong of me to rely on what his feelings are before deciding what I'll do?

 

Yes it would be wrong. Its making your boyfriend your 2nd choice. Do you want to be someone's 2nd choice? You're using your boyfriend and its disgusting.

[knottyone]

Yes it would be wrong. Its making your boyfriend your 2nd choice. Do you want to be someone's 2nd choice? You're using your boyfriend and its disgusting.

 

You know what Sal? Your absolutely right. I'm being completely inconsiderate of my bf's feelings, I'm just a selfish little girl that doesn't know what she wants. He deserves so much better than me. Thanks for the reality check.

[Chinook]

Knottyone, you know... I know what Sal said was kinda harsh but also it's true. I was dating a guy for 10 months recently and although no one else was involved, I knew I didn't want anything long term. I ended things this week because I knew he wanted a long term relationship, marriage, kids the works. I didn't want that. I'm not ready. So.. I knew that when I WAS ready for it with someone, I'd end up dumping him then, or cheating. So I did the right thing and broke it off. I decided I couldn't take up his time that he can't get back. If you care about your boyfriend - assess what it is you want and then decide whether he fits the bill or not.

 

Secondly, you don't need to ask T how he feels. Of course he likes you he said "aw, man. that was my excuse for chillin with you". That's as opposed to chillin with someone else. Plus there are likely to be other signs that he likes you. But, what if he's in a relationship too...? Opening that can of worms is messy. He may have a crush also but have no intention of doing anything about it. Which brings me to third....

 

Crushes can be managed. What you're experiencing is NRE... new relationship energy... even if it is a little one sided right now. You don't HAVE to act on a crush. I experienced a very long term relationship with my ex-partner for 10 years and I loved him dearly. But occasionally there would be the odd guy at work who'd make those butterflies raise their heads and then talking to them would send me in a tailspin. I NEVER EVER did anything about it. The reason, I loved my BF very much and I knew that it was a passing phase. The easiest way to test it is to go no contact with this crush... and see what happens to YOU. The more contact you have with him... the more you will want to have. It's a feedback loop. Cut the contact and I reckon those feelings will droop and your love for the dear BF will return.

 

[Computer]

Hi,

 

You know what Sal? Your absolutely right. I'm being completely inconsiderate of my bf's feelings, I'm just a selfish little girl that doesn't know what she wants. He deserves so much better than me. Thanks for the reality check.

And Amen to that!

 

Atleast you have a strength many people don't have. You caught on fast and understood where you were making your mistakes. But I will say that emotional cheating in some ways is worse than you might think. Imagine being married to the man of your dreams. He have all the qualities you want in a man and frankly, there's no one in the world you would trade him for... You would even rob Banks for him! Then imagine him lying next to you in bed. He cuff his arms around you and tell you how much he loves you; he is your peace... But on the other end, you doze off to sleep and he lay down and stare out the window thinking about someone else!

 

Surely it wouldn't bother YOU because hey, you will never know the thoughts he have to you and others. But as I've stated before, it's not a good feeling to love someone who don't love you as much. Personally, I wouldn't be with someone I didn't have "mutual interest" in. You could appear to be the woman of my dreams sent from heaven - but if for some reason you manage to show more love for me than I can reciprocate, I don't think I would be in peace. It would seriously bother me; and it should bother you too. And I surely wouldn't expect you to stay with me, knowing it isn't mutual.

 

Now honestly, there's no way of telling if the feelings two people have for each other are mutual...It's about expressing your feelings - and there is no better way to tell someone you love them than in action. I know I sound retarded for getting off subject here, you all. I just get ahead of myself sometimes, lol. But it goes to show that there isn't too much of difference between physical cheating or the thoughts about other men you have.

 

But make the right choice here, knottyone. You don't seem to be content with what you have so there's no reason to settle. If you're not at peace with him now, it's not likely that you ever will be b/c when the next attractive thing come along, you will (again) have doubt. The two of you should be happy [together] - and if you're not, move on.

[purspeed]

Attraction between the sexes is natural. Now, it's fun to romanticize about the new guy, but if you take it a step further and act on your passion, that will complicate things.

[Computer]

Cut the contact and I reckon those feelings will droop and your love for the dear BF will return.

 

WTF!!! The love should already be there. I hate to be so blunt, but you should omit that line, Chinook; it's a mislead. If the love for your current boy friend have to return [from wherever it went], it aint no love at all! Love is love - nothing more or less. Now maybe you HAVE, but I HAVEN'T heard of love that only works when you are not around attractive people. You've been with this guy for long enough to tell what you feel for him. If you don't think so, stay a while longer and wait for your true feelings to drop from the blue sky. Else, move on. I honestly couldn't imagine my GF putting me in such a situation. Picture me planning a marriage while my girl is probably thinking about leaving me. This would really hurt your mate so you need to make your move soon.

 

____________________________

There are 3 types of people in this world: those who can count and those who can't ~Anonymous

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[Chinook]

WTF!!! The love should already be there. I hate to be so blunt, but you should omit that line, Chinook; it's a mislead. If the love for your current boy friend have to return [from wherever it went], it aint no love at all! Love is love - nothing more or less. Now maybe you HAVE, but I HAVEN'T heard of love that only works when you are not around attractive people. You've been with this guy for long enough to tell what you feel for him. If you don't think so, stay a while longer and wait for your true feelings to drop from the blue sky. Else, move on. I honestly couldn't imagine my GF putting me in such a situation. Picture me planning a marriage while my girl is probably thinking about leaving me. This would really hurt your mate so you need to make your move soon.

 

____________________________

There are 3 types of people in this world: those who can count and those who can't ~Anonymous

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Good lord is everyone in a mood tonight or what...? Computer calm down dear, I meant 'return' as in the ctupid NRE chemicals will stop clouding her judgement.

 

Blimey O'riley. So easy to get flamed here.

[Computer]

Attraction between the sexes is natural. Now, it's fun to romanticize about the new guy, but if you take it a step further and act on your passion, that will complicate things.

 

I just want to say that I feel bad for your mate . Seems to me like you should be posting for relationship HELP. I'm sure you will need our advice soon enough by having that outlook on things...

[Chinook]

*stupid (spelling mistake)

[purspeed]

First off, I have many mates and I am perfectly happy. Relationships, love, romance are not necessities, they are choices, pleasant choices, but choices nonetheless.

 

My mates are very happy with me and I with them.

 

I probably have more collective relationship experience than most people on this board and experienced more love, passion and pain than most.

 

But, in the end, I am a pragmatist and do what is in the best interest of all parties, dispassionately.

 

Love is a luxury not a right or a need. People take love far too seriously. Dopamine, seratonin, norepinephrine, phenyl, blah blah...

[Computer]

First off, I have many mates and I am perfectly happy. Relationships, love, romance are not necessities, they are choices, pleasant choices, but choices nonetheless.

 

My mates are very happy with me and I with them.

 

I probably have more collective relationship experience than most people on this board and experienced more love, passion and pain than most.

 

But, in the end, I am a pragmatist and do what is in the best interest of all parties, dispassionately.

 

Love is a luxury not a right or a need. People take love far too seriously. Dopamine, seratonin, norepinephrine, phenyl, blah blah...

 

We are all in need of love - one way or the other. Obviously you didn't get this from your parents when you were comming up, which explains your current state of mind. But it's about that time you start looking for a cure for the disease you will pick up any moment now from your "many mates"...

 

Let's get back on subject here. If you want to discuss your problems, open a seperate thread and prepare for the works...

 

____________________

There are 3 types of people in this world: those who can count, and those who can't ~Anonymous

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[purspeed]

@ Computer: Love is not a need, it's a luxury. There are many forms of love (passion, consumate, friendship, family, etc.), but the most important is love for oneself.

 

When people realize that love and relationships are a choice, a pleasant choice, but a choice, they free themselves of anger, jealousy, low self esteem, depression, etc.

 

A problem exists when there is a goal to be reached. Since I have no relationship goals/needs, I am fine. (I could sure use more money, though)

[Sal Paradise]

When people realize that love and relationships are a choice, a pleasant choice, but a choice, they free themselves of anger, jealousy, low self esteem, depression, et

 

Being in a relationship is a choice. But you can't choose who you fall in love with.

 

And just because you choose to be in a relationship doesn't mean you won't get depressed or hurt if the person cheats on you or leaves you. Although you may choose to be a loving, loyal partner, your choice can't prevent your partner from making bad choices on his/her own. What she/he does will have an effect on you regardless of how you view the relationship (if you care for the person).

 

Whether love is merely a chemical reaction or not is irrelevant really. Depression and many forms of mental illness are chemical imbalances and those cannot be turned on and off like a lightswitch anymore than love. Even if it is completely chemical it still manifests itself in a REAL way, both emotionally and physically.

 

Merely dismissing it as a chemical reaction or state of mind suggests that it can be controlled or willed away when things go sour. It doesn't work that way. Many forms of back pain are caused by stress (in the person's head) but merely being aware of it doesn't change the fact that it hurts and they can't merely put on a happy face and make the back pain disappear.

 

By your theory if someone died that you loved (family, friend or lover) you shouldn't feel sad about it since hey you can control it and no one made you love the person so why despair over their demise. Life unfortunately doesn't work that way for us grown ups.

 

I agree with Computer, if you want to discuss your mental problems start another thread.

[purspeed]

You absolutely can choose who you want to fall in love with. You can also avoid falling in love if you find yourself in a situation where you are starting to develop feelings.

 

This has to do with experience. If you are inexperienced, you will not have this ability. You may not even be able to understand it conceptually.

 

You absolutely will get hurt if someone cheats on you or leaves you, but it won't be a life altering event and you will recover very rapidly if you understand the difference between a need and a preference.

 

I have dismissed nothing in regards to love, but I am merely pointing out factors in brain psycho-chem that we can quantify.

 

Age is irrelevant to any argument as I have (probably) significantly more experience, money and social stature than you.

[Sal Paradise]

Age is irrelevant to any argument as I have (probably) significantly more experience, money and social stature than you.

 

Age is far more relevant than money or social stature when it comes to this discussion. Experience comes with age which makes it completely relevant. Money and social stature are completely irrelevant to this discussion.

 

And unless you're Bill Gates you would have no way of knowing whether or not you have more of either (money or social stature) than anyone on this board. Unless of course you're an immature, arrogant, egotistical, pompous jerk who assumes they're better than everyone. Which would explain why someone as inexperienced as yourself would assume money and social stature would even be relevant to a discussion such as this. Perhaps once you grow up and mature a bit you will realize this. Bragging on a messageboard about your salary or social stature won't impress anyone junior (most mature grown ups don't brag about such things online). If you want to impress someone try making some valid points instead of trolling the forums. A immature troll is still a immature troll no matter how much money he makes.

 

Well I'm done arguing with you, its disrespectful to the original poster to hijack her thread with this useless discussion.

 

Nighty, night little fella its past your bedtime

[purspeed]

Henry David Thoreau has some interesting things to say about your "age" argument, Sal.

 

Your right, my social stature and money have nothing to do with this thread. It's not important, but it affects everything important. When you are old and experienced enough, you'll understand this.

 

There is always going to be someone smarter, more handsome, more experienced, older or better than Purspeed. In this case, you are not one of them.

 

Have you ever stopped to think that maybe, just maybe your advice could be off? Probably to old and set in your ways for that type of introspection, eh?