in over my head!

[rick]

My long-term relationship is collapsing. I supported someone through law-school and now she wants out. That happens. The problem is the way it is happening; there is something I need to understand for myself. She is partially a gifted liar, but I can see through a lot of her lies (she tells people what they want to hear); and since she also still needs some things from me, the lies abound. I will cope with that. But I want to understand something for myself. She was a poor kid, and the daughter of an alcoholic, someone who abandoned her a lot. I am in way, way over my head with that--are there characteristic moves or emotional strategies associated with daughters of alcoholics like her? If nothing else it would help to get some sense of what I am coping with here. The solution to the relationship is obvious: I am moving on (while encountering all the obvious obstacles). But as long as I am moving on it would be nice to see some things clearly. This--the daughter of an abandoning alcoholioc--is something I can't see clearly (by the way she is a workaholic, not an alcoholic). Advice? Insights? Ideas about what websites to go to?

[Ryan]

Well strictly in terms of biology, if she has a parent that has a history of alcoholism (addiction) then she has a 50% chance of it, that's just the genetics of it. In terms of emotional imprint, that kind of upbringing could very well leave her with the fear of loss and co-dependent nature. Of course she is going to try to please everyone, she doesn't want to lose people like she had lost her parent(s). She will also have a tendency to seek relationships where the men fit the alcoholic and emotionally distant role....and if you DON'T fit that she is going to try to turn you into that kind of person or sabotage the relationship. It's a tough situation to be in and you can't FIX her. She needs to get a little counseling to work through the issues she has from her past, then she can carry out some healthy relationships.

[rick]

Thanks for the response--it is informative. She is not an alcoholic, though. She is a performer and a pleaser. She also sets up separate worlds and lies to keep them separated (problem is, she is just self-fascinated and in need of validation enough to accidently undermine her lies; that is, she seeks attention and approval and therefore gives a lot away). She also controls through withdrawal and this stern disapproving demeanor, but at the same time she eats herself up with guilt. Criticism can crush her and she reacts with an almost blind fury to even the perceived possibility of it. She is extraordinarily succesful, but is always sure her next project will spell the difference between mere survival and complete doom. I am glad we are getting out & I would never try to fix her. I wonder how many of these characteristics belong to the syndrome you describe. But then, bearing in mind that the relationship lasted only two years, why was I attracted to her in the first place? Granted, she was different in the beginning, and seemed vital and amazing and trustworthy. But I must have known somewhere in my mind that all that trouble was lurking there. Self-blame is a symptom, not a solution, but some thoughtful self-analysis never hurts. I wonder if she didn't catch me at a lonely moment and I used her to to patch a slightly worn ego. I need no response to this, but maybe posting it will do some good. Intensity isn't everything; romance isn't everything; even love isn't everything. When a relationship goes on long enough and depression, boredom, or anger arrive, or fundamental emotional faith and trust don't seem to set in, it is always time to ask yourself whether or not you need to be alone for awhile. Any relationship without that fundamental emotional reciprocity and trust is just blindly winging its way into disaster. I wish her well; someday the readers of this post may even know her real name (without of course ever making the connection to this post) because she is gifted and driven. Maybe she will see the pattern and get counselling. But I am glad we caught this before one of us got shattered.

 

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