Getting over the hump

[chipman]

I'm 43 and my girlfriend is 44. We've both been married twice, and have been dating one another for about 1 year. The chemistry between us is terrific and we both have expressed love for each other, but for the past 3-5 months she has been reluctant to take our relationship to a higher level. Not sexual, that part of our life is great. Her reluctance is letting me into her life. The closer we get to each other, the higher her "walls" become. I'm not talking about some half-witted psychological thing here, she sometimes totally ignores me as if I'm not in the room, let alone her life. I have learned to not take this personally because she has told me that this is how she has done to every man that has tried to get serious with her since her last divorce almost 8 years ago. This is happening an an almost daily basis now, and this relationship that had so much promise is falling apart because of it. She says she wants "us", but as soon as "us" gets too close , she shuts me out of "us", literally and physically. Does anyone have an solution as to how to get over this hump?

[Tony T]

I would say intense counselling by a qualified therapist is the route you will need to go.

 

Because of past pain and hurt, she is shutting down as a defense against more pain. She is obviously very sensitive. People like this learn coping mechanisms and this is the one she has devised to get through her life from here on out.

 

The pain, depression and emptiness of a failed relationship is overwhelming for some people. At the same time, these same people are desperate to be loved by someone who will be kind and true to them. When they find any kind of love, they want it so badly but they don't trust it to be real...or they feel it's too good to be true. Therefore, the better the relationship gets, the more they pull back out of fear of returning to the gut-wrenching pain and emptiness they are trying so hard to avoid.

 

I think if she's with you long enough and you talk this out together, it may ease a little...but a counsellor would be of great help. If you get into her head, you will find that this did not start eight years ago but probably in her childhood when she was abandoned or abused by someone she loved very much.

 

Be kind and patient with her. She needs you and she needs you to understand.

[Ed]

DOES SHE WANT TO GET PAST THIS?

 

If she does and both of you are willing to put forth some effort, then I think you can get over this hump.

 

If she does not want to get past this and is not willing to put forth any effort toward resolving the matter, then there is nothing you can do. You could use every psychological tactic that has ever been devised or even invent new ones, but they just won't work if she is not open to it.

 

You asked, "Does anyone have a solution as to how to get over this hump?". YES! SHE DOES! It's the desire and willingness to be in a close, intimate relationship with a balanced concern for your own as well as your partner's happiness in that relationship. This can't be a one sided deal. You both have to want it and you both have to put forth the effort.

 

If you want to get past this hump, you'll have to talk to her and find out if she wants to get past it too. Only then will you be able to make a decision on what to do next.

 

I am glad you are not taking this personally. Who she is and how she acts reveals much more on how she feels about herself than how she feels about you or anyone else.

[Crystal]

i cannot say what i want to say about this as it is too close to home and it's like reading about myself. all i can say is if you left her because of this she will be proven right!

DOES SHE WANT TO GET PAST THIS? If she does and both of you are willing to put forth some effort, then I think you can get over this hump. If she does not want to get past this and is not willing to put forth any effort toward resolving the matter, then there is nothing you can do. You could use every psychological tactic that has ever been devised or even invent new ones, but they just won't work if she is not open to it. You asked, "Does anyone have a solution as to how to get over this hump?". YES! SHE DOES! It's the desire and willingness to be in a close, intimate relationship with a balanced concern for your own as well as your partner's happiness in that relationship. This can't be a one sided deal. You both have to want it and you both have to put forth the effort. If you want to get past this hump, you'll have to talk to her and find out if she wants to get past it too. Only then will you be able to make a decision on what to do next. I am glad you are not taking this personally. Who she is and how she acts reveals much more on how she feels about herself than how she feels about you or anyone else.

[chipman]

So, if she says that she doesn't know if she wants to overcome this hump, then where does that put me? I keep hanging on to hope that this once promising relationship will improve, even though there is nothing I can do to improve it, and then nothing changes. Or, I can simply call it off now, and ease the burden of watching this relationship die a slow death. Seems that I'm in an almost no-win situation. I refuse to "prove her right"! But, where do I turn now?

i cannot say what i want to say about this as it is too close to home and it's like reading about myself. all i can say is if you left her because of this she will be proven right!

[Ed]

If Crystal is right, then you are dealing with someone who has a somewhat negative outlook on life and relationships. Your girlfriend may expect this relationship to fail, as all the others have. If this is the way she feels, you will become another casualty in her battle against herself. If she believes her relationships a destined to fail, she will do things to ensure that it turns out that way. She is the only one that can break this cycle, but only if she wants to.

 

All you can do is talk to her and find out where she is coming from, what she wants and what she expects to get out life and relationships. Find out if you two have similar and compatible wants, needs and goals.

 

No one, anywhere, can tell you how much time and effort to put into this relationship or any other relationship. You have to decide that for yourself. No one knows what the odds are of overcoming adversity. The bottom line is...love is risky business no matter what the odds are.

 

With a fair amount of self-respect, give this as much time and effort as you think it is worth. When you no longer have a realistic hope (not a fantasy) that things will work to your satisfaction, then it is time to move on. If you do this, you will have no regrets. You will know for yourself that you gave as much as you could.

[chipman]

Thanks everyone. This forum has helped me lots. To have something like this to help explore our lives is great. Still not sure where to go from here, but going there with a bit more confidence.

If Crystal is right, then you are dealing with someone who has a somewhat negative outlook on life and relationships. Your girlfriend may expect this relationship to fail, as all the others have. If this is the way she feels, you will become another casualty in her battle against herself. If she believes her relationships a destined to fail, she will do things to ensure that it turns out that way. She is the only one that can break this cycle, but only if she wants to. All you can do is talk to her and find out where she is coming from, what she wants and what she expects to get out life and relationships. Find out if you two have similar and compatible wants, needs and goals. No one, anywhere, can tell you how much time and effort to put into this relationship or any other relationship. You have to decide that for yourself. No one knows what the odds are of overcoming adversity. The bottom line is...love is risky business no matter what the odds are. With a fair amount of self-respect, give this as much time and effort as you think it is worth. When you no longer have a realistic hope (not a fantasy) that things will work to your satisfaction, then it is time to move on. If you do this, you will have no regrets. You will know for yourself that you gave as much as you could.