How to overcome Flirting and cheating

[sno]

What do I do...I love my boyfriend with all of my heart. But I am sooo jealous. But I have reason to be. I have dated plenty of times and liked guys before but this time it is different and my boyfriend says the same thing. We have been togather almost three years and I haven't even thought about cheating on him. I cant say the same for him. Yes I have tried to make him jealous by talking to guys but I have seen text messages and my best friend has told me she seen him with another girl. I have even aruged on the phone with a girl telling he isnt her man. And it was so many times he lied and so many different girls. Of course all of this is in the past but I am still so jealous. It is to the point he lies about going out wit friends etc because he knows I will trip. Then of course I am so nosey I find out where he really was and get mad because he lied So I begain to think he is lying about everything. Oh I need help. All I do is argue argue argue...I threaten to leave him but I have said this so much he doesnt believe me I dont believe myself. yes I have broken up with him a couple of times but just as soon as I hear his name or he calls me I go right back to him. I am a very happy person and love to get along. But about 50% of the time I am happy and the other 50% I am arguing. This relationship cant go on like this but I care so much about him. I just dont know what I should do. Please i need someones advice!! Love Sno

[purspeed]

Hi sno,

 

Is your favorite hobby feeling sorry for yourself?

 

That's what jealousy feeds off of. It's a sick pleasure. Masochistic.

 

I ask the question not to humiliate you, but to point out the truth of the matter: jealousy wants you to be paranoid, selfish, critical of him.

 

In turn, your masochistic side gets stimulated.

 

Don't follow your feelings, follow your head. Your brain controls your feelings. Get a grip, stop justifying why you have a right to be jealous because jealousy is a false friend.

[sno]

So I guess I need to either get over it or get over him? Yes I do get stimulated when I get mad at him. But most of the time I usually just shake it off because I think about him with other people and that is a big turn off. I dont think I am feeling sorry for myself. It is just that our relationship is to the point where he wants to get married and he wants kids soon. And I want the same thing as long as he can be faithful. But if he cant I want someone who can. I dont want to be a single mom by the time I am 25.

[purspeed]

Inside all of us is a side that wishes to be masochisitic. It's a sick pleasure. It gets confused with healthy pleasures sometimes.

 

Realize that desire is the root of all suffering. Realize that the world is full of beautiful men/women that will make you happy, if you put yourself out there.

 

If you know you get stimulated out of anger, then you need to find something else to stimulate you instead b/c that's a sick pleasure.

[lovestruck234]

G'day sno,

 

Ok, so here's my take on it...

 

This guy just isn't worth it. I know you DO love him and everything, but sometimes it's just not meant to be. And I know it's so hard to hear those words!

 

By you going back to him after the times you broke it off, is showing your weakness and he knows he can just keep by the collar. It's clear that you're a strong person, otherwise you wouldn't be voicing your opinion so often to him...well, it's time to show that strength. Show that you acn be happier without him. Show that you don't put ut with bs. Whatver way you choose to go, show him your a strong person.

 

I know how annoying this saying is, my parents are like a broken record with it BUT...there ARE plentry more fish in the sea. although right now you can't see it, you will.

 

I'm so sorry, but your kidding yourself in thinking that this relationship will turn out for the better, and that you'll be happy. Hmmm, I can't see it happening.

 

You deserve someone better, waaay better. Go out on your own and show him!

[Computer]

Hi,

 

Lovestruck234 made many interesting points. It's obvious that you love him; and it seems that he love you also. But love isn't enough to make ANY relationship work - period. I'm guessing the two of you are in your early 20's, right? This is something you are more than likely to deal with from someone in this age category. Sure he may love you, but seem to give off these shallow vibes. He's not ready to settle and take a relationship serious, and I don't care what he tells you - you should think opposite.

 

It takes two people to make a relationship work properly. You shouldn't have to put more than 50 in to be happy. If that's what it takes then something is wrong with the picture. As I've stated many times: it's not a good feeling to love someone who don't love you as much. If he did, his actions would reflect it. But answer this one question for me. Would you ever risk allowing the man of your dreams to become a free agent (which means other woman can have a shot at him)? So if he was THAT into, why would he do things to turn YOU off (which enables the risk of you leaving him and dating someone else)? I think you get my drift...

 

_______________________

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[amaysngrace]

Hey Sno. My exH use to hide stuff from me too, for "my own good", as he would say. Which I think is complete and total crap. It would've been nice if he was honest and allowed me to feel a certain way before assuming anything.

 

Which is exactly another one of the reasons I divorced the jerk...no trust in the relationship.

 

Love isn't supposed to hurt. You're too special to spend your time with someone who brings out the worst in you. And this guy seems to be real good at doing just that.

 

Drop him and LET him be some other girl's problem!

[sno]

I want to thank you lovestruck and computer because everything you have just said to me makes since. And it is what I have been telling myself and what my best friend has been telling me for a while I just really didnt want to believe or admit it was true. But I think I just need someone outside of this relationship, someone who doesnt know me or my situation to evaluate it and see if they come up with the same answers. I just hope I can get over him completely this time. I know I can leave him and I am so happy when I do. The problem is I currently live with my best friend she is like a sister to me, well she is married to his best friend. So when I get away from him he starts calling, leaving message after message. Then coming to the house. Telling me all this stuff like you dont miss a good thing until its gone and how much he misses me. And of course I am missing him like crazy too so I always give in. That is the hard part. I am a very stong person no other guy has ever been able to get to me like this, I guess it is payback. I wasnt a wild teenager but before I met my bf I was breaking hearts not getting my heart broken. Now the tables have changed and I dont know how to handle it. I mean I know he cares about me alot....but sometimes I just dont think i am that one special person for him because if I was I dont think he would try to worry me so much. Anyways thank you two for what you said it really helped.

[sno]

He tells me that too...for my own good....and if I knew I would think it was something its not...Ya know my bf is kinda a jerk too. Not all the time but part of the time I think he wants me not to ask any questions and keep pretending everything is ok. I try to tell him its not ok but somehow nothing gets resolved. I guess if it was truely meant to be he would make sure I know I have nothing to worry about. But instead he lies about stupid things right after he promises thing are going to change.

[lovestruck234]

Hi,

 

Lovestruck234 made many interesting points. It's obvious that you love him; and it seems that he love you also. But love isn't enough to make ANY relationship work - period. I'm guessing the two of you are in your early 20's, right? This is something you are more than likely to deal with from someone in this age category. Sure he may love you, but seem to give off these shallow vibes. He's not ready to settle and take a relationship serious, and I don't care what he tells you - you should think opposite.

 

It takes two people to make a relationship work properly. You shouldn't have to put more than 50 in to be happy. If that's what it takes then something is wrong with the picture. As I've stated many times: it's not a good feeling to love someone who don't love you as much. If he did, his actions would reflect it. But answer this one question for me. Would you ever risk allowing the man of your dreams to become a free agent (which means other woman can have a shot at him)? So if he was THAT into, why would he do things to turn YOU off (which enables the risk of you leaving him and dating someone else)? I think you get my drift...

 

Very interesting and very true points.

 

I strongly agree with the fact that a relationship is 50/50 and have always gone by that "rule", if you will.

 

Sometimes people can also get "love" and "infactuation" mixed up. I'm guilty of this and when it hits you later on, it hits you harder than any other heart break. I'm not saying at ALL that you don't love him, I'm saying that you may LOVE him, yet not be IN love with him, yet again be INFACTUATED with him. I see this so many times.

 

I'm just saying that so you don't get hurt harder later down the road.

 

Just my opinion...

[amaysngrace]

He tells me that too...for my own good....and if I knew I would think it was something its not...Ya know my bf is kinda a jerk too.

 

 

It is jerky. Shouldn't you be able to decide how you'll react instead of him thinking he knows everything?

 

In a way, it provokes insecurity in you because you are being made to feel less than okay to feel on your own.

[sno]

You are right with that too..I say I am in love with him because we have been togather for three years and honestly its probably the first real relationship I have ever let be this serious. I believe at one point in time I did love him. I believe I still love him in a way I dont want anything bad to happen to him and of course cant imagine him or me with anyone else. I also think I am too the point where I am ready to settle down and I dont care to party and go out anymore. I am so comfortable around him. I dont want to have to go though getting comfortable with someone else. He isnt just a bf he is like a best friend now too Besides my best friend Nuk he is the only person I confide in. Of course I have other friends but no one I trust like those too. I guess this is stuff everyone has to deal with when breaking up and I know there are people out there with it worse than me but it feels so hard to do. I really cut off all of my guy friends and girl friends also. For the past three years it has been me, my best friend, him and his friends. So he has been my life. How do you just start a new life. And move on.

[sno]

I have never felt insecure before I met him...but I have became very insecure in the past couple of months. In a way I think he wants me to feel that way. I think he wants to be my boss. And me just not argue about it. I am gonna go to sleep for the night. I want to think everyone for their help and I would love to hear form anyone else. But it has really helped to talk about this and get some of this off my chest. Thank a bunch Sno

[lovestruck234]

You are right with that too..I say I am in love with him because we have been togather for three years and honestly its probably the first real relationship I have ever let be this serious. I believe at one point in time I did love him. I believe I still love him in a way I dont want anything bad to happen to him and of course cant imagine him or me with anyone else. I also think I am too the point where I am ready to settle down and I dont care to party and go out anymore. I am so comfortable around him. I dont want to have to go though getting comfortable with someone else. He isnt just a bf he is like a best friend now too Besides my best friend Nuk he is the only person I confide in. Of course I have other friends but no one I trust like those too. I guess this is stuff everyone has to deal with when breaking up and I know there are people out there with it worse than me but it feels so hard to do. I really cut off all of my guy friends and girl friends also. For the past three years it has been me, my best friend, him and his friends. So he has been my life. How do you just start a new life. And move on.

 

Mmmmhmmm...that all makes perfect sense.

 

Sometimes, best friends have falling-outs too. And although every fall-out is hard and painful, sometimes it's for the best.

 

I'm the type of "get out of the kitchen if you can't stand the heat" person, so if I'm not happy somewhere, I do my very best to get outta there. This includes friendships as well as relationships. Some people like to hold it out and try and get through it. Although, this doesn't apply to my current relationship with my bf. We had a really rough patch and it was really hard to get through, but I knew he was "the one", if you will, so I stuck through it and have finally seen the light at the end of the tunnel. I have never been happier in my entire life and I feel this relationship will alst the distance.

 

I guess what I'm saying is, you may get through this and things will work out for the better, or you may choose to take the, not so much easier, but "quicker" path and just let it go.

 

Whatever you choose, you choose it for YOU. Not cos your worried what your bf, friends, etc will think. You do things like this to better your situation, and you know full well you don't deserve to be treated this way.....well, maybe the kitchen is just too hot now....