duramater Posted July 16, 2006 Share Posted July 16, 2006 The big question, should you marry someone you are in love with or someone you get along with fabulously. I married someone really nice, who I was good friends with but who I wasn't in love with and he must have felt the absence of that... because he found someone else . I do believe in falling in love because I've felt that in the past. I'm curious to know what percentage of women and men never feel in love ever in their lives. Link to post Share on other sites
Author josie54 Posted July 16, 2006 Author Share Posted July 16, 2006 That is a sad story--how upset were you when he left? Did he "fall out" of love with you or does he still love you now? Was his explanation that he was just not able to accept that you didn't love him as much as he loved you? If one can "fall in" love and one can "fall out" of love as easily as people seem to, then the experience itself seems temporary anyway. No one can be certain of anything. And if one can "fall out" of love, after being "in love," then why then can't someone "fall in" love with someone they previously thought a hopeless case? Is it a lack of possibility? Or is it a lack of patience and acceptance? The problem I keep coming back to again and again: If I can give my fiance no other reason that I'm leaving him than "I just don't feel it" or "You don't share your feelings enough," then love seems arbitrary, random, and somewhat meaningless. If someone supports you and cares for you day by day and shares your sense of humor and is intelligent and everything else, shouldn't that be where the meaning and importance are, rather than feelings that could fade at any time? That's what it SEEMS like should be the foundation of a relationship. Magic is wonderful, but it's often based on things that lie outside reality. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 16, 2006 Share Posted July 16, 2006 Love is an action, a verb. You are in it together - a partnership, a team - and your actions reflect that, your choices reflect that...you have each other's best interests at heart and work together to make things good for each other. Love is a giving thing - affection, attention, a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear...it is not selfish or self-centered. In love is a state of mind, and it's more about you than him. It's how you think about a person...he is special to you in a way no one else is, his smile means more to you than anyone else's, you are eager for his touch, you are delighted to be around him... In love changes after the initial rush into a more loving relationship (if you're lucky and are compatible in other ways, and have developed the trust, respect, etc. that is crucial to a long term partnership). It sounds like you skipped the in love part and have established the love part. That's not the worst thing, you know. Is he your partner in crime? Do you laugh together, and have fun even when doing nothing? Is he the guy you turn to when things are rough, and the guy you celebrate with when things are good? Do you have chemistry together, passion for each other? If so, don't be too quick to throw that away. Some people spend their whole lives yearning for exactly that. Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted July 16, 2006 Share Posted July 16, 2006 In my thoughts today, I'm actually starting to lean toward staying with him. I hear so many horror stories, of people "in love" who abuse each other, cheat on each other, treat each other like crap, and still they "love" that person. You know, that's not what I'd want. I see so many bad relationships, they so far outweigh the good ones. That kind of love may be similar to winning the lottery. Paperdoll won that lottery, but I probably will not. Hon, I've had plenty of those "in love" feelings, and they were disasters because they didn't have what your relationship has. From what I've heard, you sound like you're describing real love, but you're too brainwashed by movies and what other people say, that you don't even know what that is. I know I'm not you and I can't tell you what you feel, but it sounds like you're describing love to me. And no offense to paperdoll or anything, but how can you think her relationship is any better than yours. Obviously she felt something amazing that she cherishes, but it didn't last. You may have something that will last your entire life time. If it makes you happy, then be happy with it. Don't judge what you have by what others have. But I need to clear all the myths, misconceptions, and unrealistic expectations about love from my head first. That's the hard part. Any advice from anyone else who has gone through that, and has made discoveries in any direction, would be very much appreciated.... Check out some books by Barbara De Angelis, namely "Are You the One for Me?" I believe that's the one that addresses the subject of how to tell love from lust and fairy tale "love". Link to post Share on other sites
Author josie54 Posted July 16, 2006 Author Share Posted July 16, 2006 Thank you for the book referral--I will definitely look for it! The one thing that has worried me about this relationship is the chemistry/passion element--that "I have to have you, I want to be with you forever" element. I don't think I have THAT. But to all of norajane's other questions: we laugh, we have fun, we are each other's confidante (although he sometimes suppresses his emotions about things, which can make that part tough). I wouldn't say I "longed for his touch" all the time, but I do like him near me on the couch with our legs crossed over each other's. And he does give good foot rubs. As to the passion and chemistry, I'm not sure I have that to the degree that I should. BUT as I've said in previous posts, I don't feel a degree of passion about much of anything in my life. If I were to find my passion for LIFE, I might find that I have a lot more passion for my fiance as well. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 16, 2006 Share Posted July 16, 2006 Thank you for the book referral--I will definitely look for it! The one thing that has worried me about this relationship is the chemistry/passion element--that "I have to have you, I want to be with you forever" element. I don't think I have THAT. But to all of norajane's other questions: we laugh, we have fun, we are each other's confidante (although he sometimes suppresses his emotions about things, which can make that part tough). I wouldn't say I "longed for his touch" all the time, but I do like him near me on the couch with our legs crossed over each other's. And he does give good foot rubs. As to the passion and chemistry, I'm not sure I have that to the degree that I should. BUT as I've said in previous posts, I don't feel a degree of passion about much of anything in my life. If I were to find my passion for LIFE, I might find that I have a lot more passion for my fiance as well. Passion and chemistry...I meant SEX, sweets. How's the sex? As to the rest, it sounds like you have what everyone wants. A lot of men suppress emotions, and have a hard time talking about them. You will find that with many, many men, not just your boyfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author josie54 Posted July 16, 2006 Author Share Posted July 16, 2006 Oh, THAT! It's pleasant, but it's not a "rock my world" kind of experience. He's attentive and let's just say that he makes sure all the correct buttons are pushed. We're both each other's one and only, so we have no comparisons to make. I think he's often more into it than I am, but it's never a bad experience and sometimes it's pretty good. Not great, but good. Link to post Share on other sites
junkopardner Posted July 17, 2006 Share Posted July 17, 2006 have you ever had "great" sex, or is this another ambivalent/apathetic area? ~Jonathan Link to post Share on other sites
Author josie54 Posted July 17, 2006 Author Share Posted July 17, 2006 Jonathan, the sex is, was, and has been what I said--no more, no less. I know that sex runs the spectrum from the mind-boggling variety, to good, to sweet, to downright bad. I know that people can have "great sex" with someone they otherwise care nothing about. So, ours is not bad and our drives match up for the most part, so that part of it is not the biggest issue for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts