Is this worth worrying about?

[john2776]

I think im going through an over-reaction phase right now due to recently discovered my gf's past, so just wanted to run this story by you all from the weekend....

 

My gf works as a waitress and changed jobs 2 weeks ago. She says she is happier at the new job, and she has been getting good feedback about her work performance. On Friday night she told me how she had a conversation with the boss and that he said how impressed he was with her, and that she really gets the business, unlike a lot of the other staff. I was really proud of her to hear this and told her so. My GF and I have plans to open our own restaurant in about 18 months time, so its good for me to hear positive feedback! Anyway she continued with her story and said that it was a shame that we are moving soon (in 4 weeks we move city - its a move we have both planned for about 3 months) as she feels that she could learn so much there. I said - 'hey if you have a really good reason for us to stay then we stay.' I asked if it would be possible for the business to sponsor her (she is on a working holiday visa) and she said no, and so I pointed out that working there longer is not an option anyway (can only work for 3 months for any 1 business). I could see that she was really thinking about it, but couldn't provide any reason to stay, and then said 'yeah your right'.

 

Fast forward to yesterday, and while having a chat about nothing in particular over a glass of red, she starts talking about the manager from her work. She says 'You probably don't want to hear this, but he is a really beautiful guy, and I found out that he is married to Sue and Sue is really ordinary, I can't understand how they can be married. He could have anyone. I thought he just would just choose from any of the beautiful girls that must pass through work.'

 

So now for my question - Am I wrong to make a connection between her wanting to stay working longer at this business because the guy is so beautiful AND gives her lots of compliments about what great a job she does? Am I wrong to suspect that she really thinks "That guy deserves someone better than Sue, someone more like .... me (her) '??

 

Arrggh. These are stupid thoughts of mine right??

[purspeed]

It's your insecurity and jealousy that is blinding you to the truth.

 

Give the situation some time. Until you have something concrete, it's just paranoia.

[lovestruck234]

It could be a possibility in why she wants to stay....

 

I know myself when I get comfy in a job and enjoy the people I work with/for, I find it hard to leave if another job offer arises.

 

BUT, it's the way the cookie crumbles and if the job offer is better, then I leave.

 

She may just be feeling really comfortable in this job and doesn't want to leave. And yes, a boss can play a big part in that.

 

As a girl, I once worked for a guy that I absolutely LOVED as a boss. He was not only my boss, but also a reeeeally good friend. I loved going to work (I know, strange) just cos he was going to be there. No, I didn't have interest in him other than as a friend, but just knowing that he was going to be there was such a good feeling. He was so cool to be around and I loved working for him. He didn't treat me like an employee, he treated me like his little sister and even called me his little sister when he was talking to customers. I loved knowing that he was happy with the job I was doing. I miss him so much now since other things came up and his shop closed down, it's like I lost my big brother.

 

But anyway, I'm just sharing how much your employer can impact how much you love your job. Doesn't mean you want to wed and bed them, it just means you enoy their company....

 

I think I might give him a call tonight and see what he's up to actually!

[amaysngrace]

I think she's just preoccupied with thoughts of him, which I don't think is good or bad. Just normal, actually. She spends a lot of time with him. And he is in a power position. Which can make her feel more intensely than if he were just "some guy".

 

I wouldn't make too much of it, if I were you. Not right yet. It was just a comment, it's not like all her conversation revolves around him, right?

 

If it starts to become an unhealthy obsession with her though, you two will need to have a talk. But until then, don't worry about it. I think it's only natural to be curious of others, regardless if you're in a relationship or not. Haven't you ever been??

[john2776]

Thats good to hear. Everyone seems to think Im over-reacting on this point :-)

 

I think there are 2 reasons for that, and no particular order:

a few people suggest dumping her NOW.

 

1) The last time she said to me that it was bad timing was just prior to a 2 week holiday for us both in France. We had spent about 4 months planning it and we were both very excited (we were not bf gf yet). I asked why it was bad timing and she said she was just being silly. On the 2nd day of the holiday I found out that she had just started and ended a sexual relationship with someone who's name I had never heard before.....

 

2) And the big thing - In 9 days time it will be our 1 year anniversary of bf/gf and I have a proposal planned (we are going away for a holiday and I have some romantic things planned). I seem to be tripple checking everything about her before I pop the question!

[lovestruck234]

3) And the big thing - In 9 days time it will be our 1 year anniversary of bf/gf and I have a proposal planned (we are going away for a holiday and I have some romantic things planned). I seem to be tripple checking everything about her before I pop the question!

 

OH MY GOD!!!! Don't break up with her, don't listen to anyone telling you that! This is so exciting! No wonder why you're worried about everything! You've just got the jitters! I'd say you're over-analyzing due to this reason! WOW! This is so exciting!

 

Ok, she sounds like the type of girl who backs out of things at the last minute! If that's the case and she backs out of this holiday, don't see that as a reason to call off the proposal, still go ahead with it!!

 

Wow, John, this is really exciting! You have to tell me how it goes in 9 days k????

[amaysngrace]

All I can say after reading your other post, heed the warning signs.

 

They are your concerns, for good reason most likely. And they won't magically go away if you get married. Now IS the time to analyze the relationship.

 

Think it through and weigh it out. Does she make you happy? Does she make you feel like you matter to her? Not sometimes, but all times. Is there trust and open communication in the relationship?

 

These are questions only you can answer, but you owe it to yourself to think this decision through fully. Good luck!

[Sal Paradise]

When you consider your other thread, and consider her history of mixing friendship and sex with her male friends (she see's sex as an extremely casual thing which is fine, but might not be fine for you). I think I'd be worried if I was in your situation. As I told you in the other thread, you should probably break up with her. You're always going to be insecure about her and male friends (considering her past) and not all of the insercurity is unjustified. Past behavior is usually a good indicator of future behavior.

 

Deep down you don't trust this girl and probably never will. You're posting all of this stuff (in various threads) hoping people will calm your fears about this situation. The truth is though when you take everything in consideration you have good reason to be uneasy about her being left alone with a guy.

 

Also she shouldn't be worried about whether or not her wife is a good match for him. Typically when women are worried about whom someone is dating (especially a guy they just met and think is beautiful) its because they have developed feelings for the guy and are feeling possessive over him. Whom this guy is dating should be the furthest thing from her mind. She seems a bit obsessed with him.

[john2776]

OH MY GOD!!!! Don't break up with her, don't listen to anyone telling you that! This is so exciting! No wonder why you're worried about everything! You've just got the jitters! I'd say you're over-analyzing due to this reason! WOW! This is so exciting!

 

Ok, she sounds like the type of girl who backs out of things at the last minute! If that's the case and she backs out of this holiday, don't see that as a reason to call off the proposal, still go ahead with it!!

 

Wow, John, this is really exciting! You have to tell me how it goes in 9 days k????

Oh this is cool! I havn't been able to share the excitement with anyone I know in case the secret gets out! Don't worry I'm not on the verge of breaking up with her (I was when I started the other thread - as I was totally shocked as she is not the girl she *sold* herself as).

 

Yes she is the kind of girl to back out at the last minute, and if she did that on the holiday (0% chance btw), or even said that she needed more time with the proposal (5% chance) I would consider it to be jerking me around. In that situation I would cut my losses.

 

However, we are a really great match! As a girlfriend she meets all my expectations and exceeds some. She is very romantic, comes from a lovely family, is educated as a journalist and has a very interesting and challenging mind, drop dead gorgeous, fantastic sex life, loves to cook including doing things like spontaniously baking apple struddle yesterday... Really I could go on and on. We have a lot of fun together. We also have completely different skills which complement each other.

 

So why the posts? Well her past scares the crap out of me!

 

While I have some worries, overall I'm a very happy man. Obviously I have spoken to her about her ideas on marriage numerous times in the last year and understand her views and also if she is ready or not. For a long time she was nowhere near ready, but for months she has been really wondering when Im going to ask! We have a rough plan to live in Brisbane for 6 months, then move to Holland to be near her family and to organise a wedding either there or in France, and then probably come back to Australia.

 

Yeah I'll let you know how it goes on holiday (Sydney)!!!

[Spectre]

why did she feel the need to tell you that her boss was hot?

 

i sometimes wonder what goes through peoples minds, its like telling your gf she's fat.

[john2776]

Spectre: Oh goody, I actually know the answer to this one! She is dutch. Dutch people simply tell you everything that goes on in their head without editing their thoughts, and can say things that to an outsider sound very harsh or very untactful. Im for the most part quite used to it, and in fact I don't even notice it much anymore. I'm not making excuses for my gf on this point by the way, I have a good book on dutch which describes this character trait, and I had another dutch gf a few years ago who was exactly the same in this regard.

 

You got a laugh out of me for saying its like saying your gf is fat! I have to agree that it is very similar! Haha, just not very tactful is it.

 

Edit to my previous post: There are 3 reasons I'm over-reacting - the 3rd reason can be found in this forum under another thread called "problem with girlfriends ex-lover"

 

Latest News: Last night I spoke to her about the way I'm feeling at the moment and told her what was worrying me (trust issues in general). She answered all my questions and gave all the right answers to everything. The only alarm that remains for me is this.... I said to her that I think she must have low self esteem, and that when someone gives her extra attention she really loves it, and in the past this has usually come from guys, and that when they both really like each other and a guy makes a move she feels that 'who is she to say no?' She agreed with this summary. She explained it all to me in her words, and said that she has always known that she needs a lot of attention and that if any man was to marry her he would have to treat her like a princess. She says that I give her exactly what she needs, and that she no longer needs other guys to get it from. She said with future male friends would be shared friends, and said she recognises a danger within herself if she would do otherwise. I asked her what about years in the future if Im busy with something else and your not getting all of my attention? She said 'yes that's going to be tough. But we can deal with that if it ever happens.'

 

I then changed the subject to marriage and said to her that a year ago I though she was in favour of single life vs marriage as about 70/30 (pro single life). She agreed and said thats what she always tried to tell me (which in some ways I have to agree with). I then asked 'what about now?' She said pretty much 100%. Sometimes I can have a moment where I take a step back and look at things and wonder, but when I really think about it I was never really happy when I was single even though I loved the independance. Im happier now than I have ever been in my life.'

 

Well it all sounds good to me. I think that there could be trouble in the future, but she is worth taking the chance on. I believe she genuinely wants the relationship and is genuinely happy. Comments?

[john2776]

Deep down you don't trust this girl and probably never will. You're posting all of this stuff (in various threads) hoping people will calm your fears about this situation. The truth is though when you take everything in consideration you have good reason to be uneasy about her being left alone with a guy.

I do have some trust issues at the moment, and if I believed that I can't move past those issues, then I would have to call it all off. I would be interested to know if anyone has ever made a relationship great again, after a period where there was justifyable mistrust? Yes I am posting here hoping that people will calm my fears. I have a very mind which can become very paranoid about any topic, and I know that I don't always get it correct. I wanted to hear different views and see the other side of the arguments. I understand the negative side all too well! I don't ignore the negative by the way, its also nice to hear some of my thoughts validated.

 

Something to point out about my gf, is that when I talk to her about these things, she doesn't fly off the handle, doesn't become agressive, and doesn't become defensive. We just talk about it. Thats got to be a good sign doesn't it?

[lovestruck234]

Oh this is cool! I havn't been able to share the excitement with anyone I know in case the secret gets out! Don't worry I'm not on the verge of breaking up with her (I was when I started the other thread - as I was totally shocked as she is not the girl she *sold* herself as).

 

Yes she is the kind of girl to back out at the last minute, and if she did that on the holiday (0% chance btw), or even said that she needed more time with the proposal (5% chance) I would consider it to be jerking me around. In that situation I would cut my losses.

 

However, we are a really great match! As a girlfriend she meets all my expectations and exceeds some. She is very romantic, comes from a lovely family, is educated as a journalist and has a very interesting and challenging mind, drop dead gorgeous, fantastic sex life, loves to cook including doing things like spontaniously baking apple struddle yesterday... Really I could go on and on. We have a lot of fun together. We also have completely different skills which complement each other.

 

So why the posts? Well her past scares the crap out of me!

 

While I have some worries, overall I'm a very happy man. Obviously I have spoken to her about her ideas on marriage numerous times in the last year and understand her views and also if she is ready or not. For a long time she was nowhere near ready, but for months she has been really wondering when Im going to ask! We have a rough plan to live in Brisbane for 6 months, then move to Holland to be near her family and to organise a wedding either there or in France, and then probably come back to Australia.

 

Yeah I'll let you know how it goes on holiday (Sydney)!!!

 

 

I'm soooooo happy for you!! Sydney? I only live like an hour away from Sydney! I'll come see you! (Jokes!)

 

Well, yes, it's obvious that you do have trust issues, but in all honesty, who doesn't have that little green monster inside of them?

 

And in a way (a very warped way) it's a good thing cos it shows just how much you care for this girl.

 

Well, not much else to say except GOOD BLOODY LUCK!!!

 

All the best, keep us posted!

[purspeed]

why did she feel the need to tell you that her boss was hot?

 

i sometimes wonder what goes through peoples minds, its like telling your gf she's fat.

 

I tell all girls that they're fat.

[lovestruck234]

I tell all girls that they're fat.

 

....

[magichands]

I tell all girls that they're fat.

 

It's actually spelt phat. But I save it for the special ones.

[purspeed]

It's actually spelt phat. But I save it for the special ones.

 

Oh, allow me to clarify. I tell all girls that they are fat, as in adipose tissue, not the acronym p.h.a.t. (pretty hot and tempting).

 

[lovestruck234]

I'm not sure that I'm following....

[purspeed]

I'm half asleep right now...I'll explain myself later...if I decide to come back to these boards, that is. The novelty is wearing off.

[Spectre]

Spectre: Oh goody, I actually know the answer to this one! She is dutch. Dutch people simply tell you everything that goes on in their head without editing their thoughts, and can say things that to an outsider sound very harsh or very untactful. Im for the most part quite used to it, and in fact I don't even notice it much anymore. I'm not making excuses for my gf on this point by the way, I have a good book on dutch which describes this character trait, and I had another dutch gf a few years ago who was exactly the same in this regard.

 

You got a laugh out of me for saying its like saying your gf is fat! I have to agree that it is very similar! Haha, just not very tactful is it.

 

Yes but shes in america now is she not? it is not like she just moved here. Im just saying that its hard for me to believe she didnt know blatantly saying "this guy is hot" would not be a disrespectful thing to say to your bf, you even said she said "i know you wont like this" I mean..I dunno. I think it shows a bit of a lack of compassion and caring on her part. I'd feel horrible if my gf came back telling me how some guy was hot, and i'd be concerned that she didnt know not to say it, I mean..why do you not tell a girl shes fat, even if she is? cuz you dont wanna hurt her feelings or cause her to feel bad, the fact that this girl didnt have the same feelings for you is not exactly a good sign, it could be nothing but i doubt it is just ignorance on how to be tactful man, but i hope it is

[Spectre]

I'm not sure that I'm following....

 

I made a comment about how you dont tell girls theyre fat, even if they are. He came back with "i do tell them"

 

basically something my younger brother would say, im 100% sure this guy doesnt go around telling girls theyre fat

[lovestruck234]

Uh huh....

 

I understand now...

[john2776]

I'm really interested to see how people feel about this, and I don't normally share this kind of information, but I'm getting into all this sharing/caring on the board

 

Warning: slightly graphic story ahead

 

So, last night my gf and I go to bed. I'm pretty tired and sex is not on my mind. I get under the sheet and she comes into the room from the bathroom after having brushed her teeth. She is naked, and bounces on the bed a little bit showing me her great body. She then put herself over me alternatively putting her nipples in my face so I would suck them. She instantly gets me aroused and Im totally full of desire for her. This goes on for maybe 1 or 2 minutes, then she lies down in bed and I start to cuddle and continue light foreplay with her breasts and some light kissing on her neck, and after about 3 minutes she says 'I think I would like to go to sleep' I'm left with what must look like a deer hit by headlights.

 

Basically in this situation I don't understand whats happened, because it feels that I have been teased, led on, and then rejected. Opinions?

[john2776]

Yes but shes in america now is she not? it is not like she just moved here. Im just saying that its hard for me to believe she didnt know blatantly saying "this guy is hot" would not be a disrespectful thing to say to your bf, you even said she said "i know you wont like this" I mean..I dunno. I think it shows a bit of a lack of compassion and caring on her part. I'd feel horrible if my gf came back telling me how some guy was hot, and i'd be concerned that she didnt know not to say it, I mean..why do you not tell a girl shes fat, even if she is? cuz you dont wanna hurt her feelings or cause her to feel bad, the fact that this girl didnt have the same feelings for you is not exactly a good sign, it could be nothing but i doubt it is just ignorance on how to be tactful man, but i hope it is

I always like your points Spectre. First she is Dutch born, and now lives in Australia, but has only been here since March this year. So her cultural characteristics are 100% dutch, and I doubt that they will ever disappear. I either accept them or don't. When I chose her as my gf I accepted them and I knew what I would get because I'd has a Dutch gf before in Amsterdam a few years ago (Boy I could tell you some crazy stuff that about how not to treat a bf - but thats a different story). There are plenty of times where it really annoys me how my gf can say stuff, which in my view is not compassionate. However these things in themselves are not major problems, just minor annoyances - provided that there is nothing behind the comments. She is compassionate and caring in other ways at other times, and can be extremely supportive.

 

In relation to my original thing in this threat about the boss of hers: I came home either last night or the night before and said to her that I was given the option of staying here another two weeks before moving to another city. She immediately and enthusiaticlly said that we should stay because she would love to keep working for her boss. I explained my reasons for declining the offer which she understood, but then said that she just didn't want to dissappoint her boss by having to tell him that we are moving. I said, well what about dissappointing me? WE planned this move together, and this was before you got the job with your boss, so isn't what we decided more important? I don't really like the vibe I get, but Im pretty sure its all ok. In case anyone asks - a few weeks ago she was asking me every day "Have you asked your boss for a job transfer yet? You should get it organised". So it was a very mutual decision to move..... until the new boss arrived that is.....

[purspeed]

Chicks are the same everywhere. Her Dutch background just means that she's not as sexually repressed as a chick from Mexico, that's all.

 

Back to fat girls: I do indeed tell girls that they are fat, even when they are not. Why? I don't know. I think it's funny. (I don't do this to vulnerable ones b/c I'm careful to not harm a person's self-esteem) But, most of the women I talk to are fine...

 

They are the best looking and at the same time the most insecure.