Being PARANOID about cheating? Do i lighten up? .

[Guest]

Together for over a year. We were laying down and going to be getting ready for the day--and he goes to take his shower and has his cell in his hand and said are you done in here for a little while?--i guess meaning, he will take his shower now---but he brings his cell with him in the shower, places it down by his clothes and closes the door since i didnt need to go in there--he puts the shower on---and i walk in just like a minute later pretending i needed something and he wasn't in the shower--he was standing there--he did have the soap box or something in his hand and put it near his clothes asking how i got it wet but his cell wasn't in the same position as it was originally..and since he was standing right there--when i opened the door, i felt his hand kind of holding it back and i don't know if it was b/c he was putting his cell face down and didnt want me to see or b/c he didnt want to get hit with the door--

 

i dont really know how close he was to the door but i guess it could have it hit him..i didnt open it fast..and i said are you using your phone and he shows me his phone saying "see no calls--and i said its weird--and he said he always did this--which wasnt true--only a few times..and i said fine, then keep the door open if you want your phone in there and he said ok--but can i use the bathroom first?--he was kind of angry--a minute later i knock on the door and he opens and he says jesus "can i wipe my a**"? even though looking at the toilet--there was nothing there where he had to do that if u know what i mean(sorry for the gross info)..but i wanted to give u the details. Should i be worried he is texting another girl? or thats kind of paranoid seeing as though she can respond at anytime for example when i am with him? This also happened two weeks ago--and i didnt make as big of a deal as i did when it happened again..but i did say it is weird. Also wanted to add--you can hear everything in that bathroom so talking to someone is probably out of the question--so the only thing he could be doing is texting--am i reading too much into this? I am getting mixed reactions from friends..some say its very suspicious and others say no. What is your opinion--i am so afraid of being lied to..being told "i love you" when he was possibly in the bathroom to text someone. Help!!

[typical]

so the only thing he could be doing is texting--

 

Nonsense....he could be jacking off to pictures if he has a camera phone.

 

 

When you read this statement as is:

Should i be worried he is texting another girl? or thats kind of paranoid

 

It pales in comparison to the following statement:

even though looking at the toilet--there was nothing there where he had to do that if u know what i mean(sorry for the gross info

 

Meaning, it is fine to worry if he is texting another girl, but actually checking if he is taking a ka ka is a little overboard.

 

My guess is that you are constantly vigilant, always searching for evidence of cheating, and that in and of itself can prove to be an undoing in some relationships.......

 

so, tell me more....

[Walk]

I'm torn between thinking you are incredibly obsessive about catching him cheating... and possibly thinking you have a right to be suspicious.

 

Maybe what's happening is that he does have a little something not quite honest going on, but nothing serious. Yet the more you push to see what he's doing, the more secretive he's becoming.

 

I'm not really understanding why you would think he was cheating because he took his cell in to the bathroom? Is there more back story to this that I didn't see? Or something else that alarms you about his behavior?

[PandorasBox]

I would have to say if he has never taken his phone in the bathroom before but now all of a sudden is, then that might be odd. Can you not check his phone to ease your mind? Usually if someone is doing something they shouldn't, theres probably more clues other than the cell situation. Anything else going on you have noitced?

[Guest]

hi everyone--the signs are kind of hard to find out b/c i don't live with the guy and dont see him everyday--so stuff like not returning my phone calls right away once in awhile i guess can be a sign or going to bed early..i dont live near him--like 40 minutes away..it would be hard to decipher.

 

He rarely has ever done this--and i would think its weird if he did it from the beginning unless you have someone sick in ur family and just have to have the phone by you..nothing like that is happening...he doesnt get urgent phone calls from work--he doesnt have that type of job.

We were making out later that night or earlier in the day--not sure..and i didnt realize i gave him a hickey on his neck and he said--i knew that was gonna happen when u did it..and i said why didnt you stop me--he said maybe the girl u think i am talking to will see it and get mad--that kind of makes me think he really isnt doing much with a mark on his neck--wouldnt the other girl see it or maybe she just doesnt care and i am trying to find ways to defend his action. And i really didn't intend to do that.

 

Also--i rarely see him during the day b/c of work and just busy on the weekends..i did say i would like to see u once in awhile and spend a full day together--so with him doing that during the day when i usually dont see him--isnt that weird too? and i didnt mean to look see if he did a number 2--its right there, you cant help but look down. Please advise me on what to do.

[ridingthebulls]

" even though looking at the toilet--there was nothing there "

 

IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP SO BAD THAT YOU HAVE TO INVESTIGATE THE AMOUNT OF CRAP THIS GUY TAKES WHEN HE'S ON THE POT?

 

sERIOUSLY GIRL, IF HE'S NOT CHEATING.. HE WILL WANT TO GET AWAY FROM YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE ACTING CRAZY.

INSTEAD OF ACTING SO OBSESSED, YOU SHOULD BE DOING THE OPPOSITE AND MAKE HIM CHASE YOU.

[The Awesome Lucas]

I understand you inquiry into your b/f's behaviour.

And don't worry about the naysayers here, checking the toilet, albeit gross, is a mere flash of conscienceness and the fact that nothing was there after such claims is suspicious.

 

As a guy, playing devils advocate, i would say you want to have a break, if he loves you, he will come runnign back, if not, then you've just saved yourself a lot of time and effort.

 

x

[Walk]

I really wouldn't think there were any signs of him even thinking of cheating based on what you posted. Especially since he didn't care he had a hickey. The other things you stated didn't sound like anything more than a full work week, and a some what busy weekend.

 

Is it just a vibe your getting? Have you felt this way in other relationships, or just this one? And if just this one, did it start recently, or not too long ago?

 

I think most people's gut instincts are right to a degree, but maybe you're feeling like there's more distance then there used to be and assuming it's another woman? But it may not have anything to do with another woman. He may be pulling away from you because of the fear you have that he will cheat on you.

 

Whether you're right or not... you don't trust this man, and neither of you are going to be happy long term if this distrust is always present. I'm not sure how you could prove beyond a doubt whether he is or isn't, but I think if you don't decide one way or the other soon, then you're going to drive him away. In which case, you might prove you were right by pushing him into a less paranoid woman's arms.

[Guest]

A friend of mine also said--it doesnt make sense to have it the bathroom--i told her he keeps it out in the open when we are together at his place..he keeps it on the window sill or in the bedroom charging and its not on silent--either vibrate which i guess can't be heard depending where we are or ringer. She said if it was her--she would keep that thing in her pocket or on silent or something--she would be scared to keep it out like that.

[megnog]

riding the bulls - try not to be so harsh.

 

anyway

i can see being a little paranoid about this situation but don't take action until you find obvious evidence. you might scare him away like others have said. if you ever have access to his phone and hes not around, go ahead and look at it if its bothering you that much

i look at my boyfriends phone whenever i get the chance and he looks at mine. it makes us feel better even if its a bit cooky.

anyway there are plenty of reasons he could have taken his phone into the bathroom - in case someone important called that he didn't want to miss while he was in the shower?? ummm maybe he wanted to take a picture of himself?? haha, O K so i can't really think of any reasons but don't accuse him of anything quite yet.

AND

the worst thing is -hes text messaging some girl. does that definately mean hes cheating? no.

plus you're whole hickey story definately would reassure me if i was in that position

my boyfriend doesn't like when i give him hickeys which always makes me a bit suspicious but i think its just because he doesn't want his family to see.

anyway , to close up this post, if hes been with you for over a year and this is the first time you've been suspicious of him and nothing has really changed as far as fighting more or less sex, then i'm sure things are fine and some little paranoia clouds just got into your head.

 

they will leave soon and i'm sure if he loves you he will reassure you as well

[purspeed]

Go take a Midol.

 

Get off of his jock. Give the boy some space.

 

If he's cheating, you'll know it soon enough. Then, you will either stay with him due to low self-esteem or leave him or work through the problem.

 

But, tackle your own paranoia first.

[lovestruck234]

I am in the same situation as Walk, I'm not too sure what to think.

 

But that being said, it seems as though purspeed is right in saying tackle your own paranoia first. There's a fine line between being protectove and being obsessive. You've crossed that line.

 

Just for the record, no matter what your excuse, I don't find it healthy to be even THINKING about what he's dropped in the toilet, whether he did or not...

 

But anyway, I would like you to just for a minute put yourself in your bf's shoes. If you were taking a shower would you like him to come in like a detective and sus out whether your phone has changed positions??

 

Paranoia does often get the better of people and it takes over you, in which case, will make you see things in a really nitty gritty way. And sometimes that's brought on by the relatonship, yet other times is brought on by the person.

 

And Meg is right, if nothing has changed in the relationship as far as your intimacy or your general communicating, then I don't believe it's anythign to worry about at this point. My bf and I don't go through eachothers phones not because we have anything to hide, we just don't see it as a necessary thing. Neither him nor me have anything to hide and we're both cool with that. We both play around with eachothers phones and I never go through his messages or phone calls, I don't know, it's just the way I am.

 

And once again as Meg said, until you find OBVIOUS and CLEAR evidence I don't see how you can accuse him of anything.

 

To put it really bluntly, and please don't take it the wrong way, but you are making a big deal out of nothing. This seems as though it's the early stages of this behaviour, and so if it DOES persist, then sure, confront him, but for now, just lay off him for a little while and see what happens!

 

All the best!

[Guest]

i have asked some of my g/f's and the funny thing is they all think its weird and that he is hiding something from me b/c of this..all but one who said if he was taking it with him everytime he used the bathroom then thats a problem.

She did agree its weird to do it.

 

I don't know what he would be hiding exactly--afraid someone is going to call if he leaves it out with me? trying to text someone to see if they can meet up later? What do some of the guys think of this situation? is it a red flag, would u do this to get away with something or would u be take this action as well as others and if so give me examples please.

[john2776]

Girl, you are way too suspicious! You will drive yourself crazy if you carry on like this. Like some of the other replies you have had, I can't understand why you have become so paranoid about him. The story of the phone might make a question mark pop up in my mind, but without a number of other strange things happening I wouldn't even bother looking into it.

 

Even if he was hiding some texting from you, there are rational explanations. I spent about 2 months secretly texting my gf's best friend because I was organising a very special suprise romantic evening. Had my gf seen me doing it or even suspected I was in contact she may have become suspicious, but the fact is - it was innocent. So give your bf the benefit of the doubt.

[littlekitty]

I think it sounds like you have a jealousy/security issue. I think you need to give him some space.

 

If you were forcing me to have to have the bathroom door open, I might get pee'd off with you too. If I asked for some privicy for a moment, and you again came barging in, I would probably shout at you 'can't I even wipe my arse in peace' too!! Gee women.. everyone needs a little bit of privacy in the bathroom, regardless of what they are doing in there.

 

Some people like to take their phone into the bathroom. If you think he's cheating, then I suggest just checking his phone, or wait for proof. But acting like you are currently is more likely to push him away than anything.

[Guest]

And what are these others signs or proof that i should wait for?

 

Him just not being affectionate? not wanting to see me? Obviously--he would try to hide the fact he is cheatng so he isnt going to stay every weekend away from me--it would probably be on days when i dont usually see him or at nights.

 

Noone would say this is a clear cut sign--he is hiding something, probably cheating or in the planning process it? and i dont buy into that crap--i will drive him to cheat--he can just break up with me if he wants to and if he thinks i have went too far.

[crazy_grl]

Noone would say this is a clear cut sign--he is hiding something, probably cheating or in the planning process it?

 

If you think he's cheating then break up with him. If you don't, then stay with him and trust him. It's not fair to be always nagging him, controlling him, and invading his privacy.

 

and i dont buy into that crap--i will drive him to cheat--he can just break up with me if he wants to and if he thinks i have went too far.

 

Drive him to cheat or drive him to break up with you. Either way, you'll drive him away.

[Guest]

I guess its hard--i feel like i need more proof but i also shouldnt be living this way..i guess breaking it off is just difficult for me to do.

 

He said if i dont like that he brings it with him then he will stop.

 

I really wish i knew his reasoning of why he did that other than--i wanted to know if it rings---doesnt that sound lame if he doesnt get urgent calls?

[jgcampbell300]

hmm I keep my phone with me about 90% of the time and the other 10% i forgot it and am going back for it Just kick back and watch things have a way of revealing them selfs and we as humans have a way of destroying our selfs worring about the samll things.

 

P.S. I might have just ran one off doing things just like that.

[Walk]

You don't trust him. Plain and simple. This isn't complex. You don't have to make this into a long drawn out, excrutiating ordeal. You do NOT trust him. Very simple.

 

1.) You break up with him and tell him to have a nice life.

 

2.) You get some therapy so that you can deal with your emotions, and either learn to find men who are trustworthy, or learn how to trust the people you love.

 

Or,

3.) You stay with him and every second question his actions and motives, never believing him and constantly worrying.

 

I would strongly suggest that you either get some books on how to create trust and healthier relationships, or find a counselor who can walk you through your problems.

 

So far the only thing you are willing to say is that you think he's cheating and your friends back you up. You don't seem willing to do anything about it though. Except accuse him. He may be cheating.. but from what you posted, I doubt it. If you have more thoughts on why you believe this, then maybe my opinion would change. But you don't, or you would've posted them.

 

Either end the relationship and find someone who is trustworthy, or get some counseling so that you can learn how to trust (or how to find someone you can trust). But you're not doing yourself, or him, any favors by continuing this relationship the way it is.

[Guest]

Hi guys--

 

Here is the latest on this situation--my b/f stopped taking his cell with him when showering so i had nothing more to post on the topic--he said he would not do it if i didn't like it so he hasn't. It hasnt been an issue in weeks.

 

Last night--he picks me up and was talking to a friend on the phone(i know who it was)--when done he places the phone in the coffee holder where there was no coffee. When we arrive at his place, i am getting out--he remembers to take his cell and there is stuff in the back seat--when getting out i notice him looking at the phone(its a flip one), open it up, and then close it--i dont know if that meant he got a text-otherwise why would someone do that--the phone was right there in the car--i did not hear any beeps or alerts unless he keeps those on silent while keeping the regular ringer on.

 

Usually when we get in--he takes everything out--wallet, keys, other money, cell and places it on the window sill. This time he didn't(granted he did have stuff in his hands though--food to eat and clothes)He was able to place the keys down, put the food on the table etc. He puts the ac on in the room, sits down, begins to take off his shoes and still didn't take his cell out or wallet i am pretty sure of--he goes to use the bathroom and of course the cell is in his pants pocket. When he is done, he comes out and then he places his phone on the charger in the bedroom and then i think puts his wallet and money on the table--

 

Should i be suspicious of this activity that he was texting someone? I can easily walk to the bedroom and look at his phone to see if he got a text so i imagine that unless he says to this girl--dont text me i am with my g/f(which seems unreal to me)the person would be texting him. He fell asleep on the couch for awhile so i was able to just walk by it and see there were no calls or messages. Am i being too suspicious again? Or he just didn't take it out yet and used the bathroom and its all innocent.

Its so hard for me to decide--we did sleep with one another too and during it, he said i love you--would someone really say those words during that act and in the meanwhile texted someone earlier?

[wonderingmind]

It's obvious he's just not getting it that it's not enough he should never let his phone out of your sight. No way. He should also keep all of the notifications (ringer, text notification) on the highest sound level and only speak to anyone with his phone on speaker so you can hear every little detail. And, in this ongoing effor to appease you, all of his text messages be delivered to your email.

 

Or maybe the best thing he can do for your relationship is ditch the cell phone altogether. Yeah, that's it. Maybe you should let him borrow yours when he has a need to communicate with the outside world, but only let him use it while you're standing right there and, again, only with the speaker so you can hear every word of the conversation.

 

Okay, I'm being mean and I shouldn't be. I just cannot understand the obsession with his phone.....

[crazy_grl]

Sorry this may sound rude, but you're being ridiculous.

 

I've flipped open my phone before just to check the time or because I thought I heard it make a noise and wanted to be sure. Also, usually when I come home, I put my keys on the table and set my purse down next to it, but ya know what sometimes I don't do exactly the same thing every time I walk through the door... especially if I really need to piss.

 

Unless there's some other reason you think he's cheating that you're not telling us about, you need to work on this paranoia you have.

[Walk]

WOW.

 

I'm floored. Absolutely floored you would think that just because someone flipped their phone open, used the bathroom, and put it on a charger, then he's cheating?!?!

 

I still say you should see a counselor about your insecurity. It would really make your life a lot less stressful and a lot calmer if you would.

[HopefulOne]

Hi guys--

 

Here is the latest on this situation--my b/f stopped taking his cell with him when showering so i had nothing more to post on the topic--he said he would not do it if i didn't like it so he hasn't. It hasnt been an issue in weeks.

 

Last night--he picks me up and was talking to a friend on the phone(i know who it was)--when done he places the phone in the coffee holder where there was no coffee. When we arrive at his place, i am getting out--he remembers to take his cell and there is stuff in the back seat--when getting out i notice him looking at the phone(its a flip one), open it up, and then close it--i dont know if that meant he got a text-otherwise why would someone do that--the phone was right there in the car--i did not hear any beeps or alerts unless he keeps those on silent while keeping the regular ringer on.

 

Usually when we get in--he takes everything out--wallet, keys, other money, cell and places it on the window sill. This time he didn't(granted he did have stuff in his hands though--food to eat and clothes)He was able to place the keys down, put the food on the table etc. He puts the ac on in the room, sits down, begins to take off his shoes and still didn't take his cell out or wallet i am pretty sure of--he goes to use the bathroom and of course the cell is in his pants pocket. When he is done, he comes out and then he places his phone on the charger in the bedroom and then i think puts his wallet and money on the table--

 

Should i be suspicious of this activity that he was texting someone? I can easily walk to the bedroom and look at his phone to see if he got a text so i imagine that unless he says to this girl--dont text me i am with my g/f(which seems unreal to me)the person would be texting him. He fell asleep on the couch for awhile so i was able to just walk by it and see there were no calls or messages. Am i being too suspicious again? Or he just didn't take it out yet and used the bathroom and its all innocent.

Its so hard for me to decide--we did sleep with one another too and during it, he said i love you--would someone really say those words during that act and in the meanwhile texted someone earlier?

 

Would you mind if I ask you both how old you are?