soberminded Posted July 10, 2006 Share Posted July 10, 2006 Here is my story. My ex girlfriend broke up with me 8 years ago because I had a drinking problem. We were going out for 2 years. When we first got together I was not drinking but I started getting involved with the wrong crowd and drinking and next thing you know I would come home drunk. I refused to get help for my drinking problem so she walked out. I never dated anyone after her to this day. Fast forward to 2 years after the break up I hit rock bottom in my life. I was just about financially bankrupt and moving back home with parents. I finally decided to seek help from counselors and I've gone to AA meetings. It was 5 years ago when I pitched the remainder of my liquor down the drain in my kitchen sink. I've been sober for the last 5 years. My parents were there to hold me accountable. Then I got back on my feet in fall of 2003 and moved back out on my own again. I stay away from the bars and alcoholic friends because I don't want to be influenced and go back to the old habits. I bumped into my ex in January of 2006 at wal-mart. We talked for hours just to catch up on what has happened in our lives. I've also lost 53 lbs in the time that we were apart. I have an exercise program and karate class that I go to on weeknights. So anyway after talking that night for the first time in 8 years she gave me her e-mail address and phone number and I gave her mine. She wanted to keep in touch so we did. We would call each other every 3 weeks or so. I followed no contact immediately after we broke up 8 years ago. We have gone on 4 lunches together as platonic friends in the last 6 months as well as horse riding once. She's been over to my place for dinner a couple times. I keep no alcohol of any kind in my house anymore. She apparently has seen the changes I've made in myself because this evening she called me and we had another long talk on the phone. I never would talk about the relationship unless she brings it up first and she did. But to make a long story short she tells me that she missed our old times together. I didn't say anything. I just sat there and listened. She told me she thinks we should try again. I asked her why she thinks we should. I said we broke up for a reason. Then she says yes it's only because I had a drinking problem and she couldn't put up with it anymore. I said that I respected and understood her decision and that she was justified in leaving me for that. Then we go on to talking about how she dated like 2 guys since we broke up but she didn't feel as strongly about them as she did for me. So then she asks again how I would like to try again. I said I don't know if that's such a good idea and that I'll need some time to think about it. So with that we ended the conversation. Now keep in mind that I went and got help for my drinking because I hit rock bottom in life. It had nothing to do with trying to win her back. I got help because I wanted to put my life back together regardless of the outcome of my relationships. It was not until 2 years after the break up that I decided to get help. I was tired of letting alcohol control my life. I had no peace and I was tormented. I felt like a prisoner. Now the ultimate question is would it be a good idea for us to give the relationship another shot or should I just move on? I can honestly say that I never expected her to want to come back to me. It feels like a dream. I'm not sure I want to give it another go. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted July 10, 2006 Share Posted July 10, 2006 First off, I'd like to commend you for your integrity. Way To Go!! Secondly, you have to do what you feel is right. It sort of sounds like you are apprehensive about having a relationship with her. I think that's your little voice, your gut instinct, talking. I would not ignore it. Something's keeping you from jumping back into a relationship with her. Maybe it's your own good judgment? Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted July 10, 2006 Share Posted July 10, 2006 Now the ultimate question is would it be a good idea for us to give the relationship another shot or should I just move on? I can honestly say that I never expected her to want to come back to me. It feels like a dream. I'm not sure I want to give it another go. Great post! And congratulations on dealing with your addiction!! Do you think she has changed much in your time apart? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 10, 2006 Share Posted July 10, 2006 I think that's your little voice, your gut instinct, talking. I would not ignore it. Something's keeping you from jumping back into a relationship with her. Maybe it's your own good judgment? I don't know whether or not this is a bad idea. Maybe you're apprehensive because it brings back memories of a bad time in your life. There must be a lot of things you like about here, because from what you say it sounds like you're halfway dating already. The first question is whether or not there was anyting in your past relationship that may have caused or contributed to you drinking. If so, you don't want to go there again. Otherwise, you just need to answer the question on how you really feel about her? If the feeling's just not there then don't do it, but also don't let a fear getting back on the horse (so to speak) stop you from opening up to somebody you really want to be with. Good luck with whatever you decide is best. Link to post Share on other sites
sirjay Posted July 10, 2006 Share Posted July 10, 2006 an ex of mine came back after 7 years - we had both been really depressed when we broke up so it was a similar situation - we broke up for a clear reason and it wasnt to do with our overall compatibility. have you met anyone you liked as much as her in the meantime? it sounds like its worth giving it another go, but you should take things slow and communicate clearly with each other. good luck!! Link to post Share on other sites
KittenMoon Posted July 10, 2006 Share Posted July 10, 2006 Is it possible you're associating her with your drinking problem and that subsequent "rock bottom" period in your life? That by seeing her again, it would somehow recreate that time period, even just a little bit? Just a thought to ponder. Link to post Share on other sites
Ukwizard Posted July 11, 2006 Share Posted July 11, 2006 First a must give a big slap on the back to say well done! I think you may have a second chance, but you need to find out what brought about the your drinking problem. Remember it was a bad period in your life, and your drinking started when you started to get involved with the wrong crowd. Did your dromking have anything to do with your ex? If not then you have nothing to worry about in taking this further. Your ex didnt leave you because she didnt like you as a person. She left you because you had a drinking problem. Your also more attractive now. You`ve lost 53 Ibs. Sorry, I m from the UK. How mush is that in stones lol. I think you should give is a second chance. Eight years ago she left you because you went on the demon drink. Your story has no details what you where like when you use to come home drunk, but I can imagine. Drink changes a persons personnality, and they can become verbally abuse or even violent. At that time you refused help, but in the end you won. Fast foward eight years on...... What have you to lose? You have everything to gain. Youre just starting up where you left before you went on the drink. Just stay off the drink, and away from the wrong crowd and everyting will be okay! Keep smiling my friend. Problem sorted! Link to post Share on other sites
Author soberminded Posted July 16, 2006 Author Share Posted July 16, 2006 When I came home drunk I was always depressed and I would talk about it for hours. I have made a decision to turn down her offer. Actually the drinking did not have anything to do with my ex. But at any rate I've made up my mind to tell her no and just move on with my life. But I still want to keep the friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
clandestinidad Posted July 17, 2006 Share Posted July 17, 2006 Well...whatever your reasons are, I want to commend you for how strong you are. YOU changed your life for the better by staying sober. You seem to know what you want and dont want, and dont want to settle for something you're not sure about just because you might be 'lonely' or wanting a relationship w/ someone. I think you've done a great job Link to post Share on other sites
Author soberminded Posted August 26, 2006 Author Share Posted August 26, 2006 I have not heard from my ex in the last month or so. She has not called or text messaged me since I politely turned down her offer of reconciliation. I wonder what that means. Could she be going NC on me? Link to post Share on other sites
daphne Posted August 26, 2006 Share Posted August 26, 2006 She's not going no contact. You turned her down. She took a hint. Link to post Share on other sites
Ukwizard Posted August 26, 2006 Share Posted August 26, 2006 I agree with Daphne. You turned her down, politely. At the end of the day, if you want to just keep the `friendship`, like you said, then you need to communicate that to her. If shes not texted or called, then sometimes, as a friend you have to do that contact them. Remember, like you said. You just want to be friends. With my friends, sometimes I don`t hear from them for a week or two. Other firneds I don`t hear for a month or more! Like I said. If your friends now. Shes not obliged to call you all the time. She`s not your girlfriend so leave it. Why not call her, or text her to see wats she`s up to........as friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soberminded Posted August 26, 2006 Author Share Posted August 26, 2006 I agree with Daphne. You turned her down, politely. At the end of the day, if you want to just keep the `friendship`, like you said, then you need to communicate that to her. If shes not texted or called, then sometimes, as a friend you have to do that contact them. Remember, like you said. You just want to be friends. With my friends, sometimes I don`t hear from them for a week or two. Other firneds I don`t hear for a month or more! Like I said. If your friends now. Shes not obliged to call you all the time. She`s not your girlfriend so leave it. Why not call her, or text her to see wats she`s up to........as friends. The thing is we have spent alot of time together as friends before she asked to try again with me. Yes I declined her but lately I am questioning if I made the right decision. A part of me does want to get back with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soberminded Posted August 28, 2006 Author Share Posted August 28, 2006 Do you think I should call her and tell her that I'm considering changing my mind about my decision? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted August 28, 2006 Share Posted August 28, 2006 Do you think I should call her and tell her that I'm considering changing my mind about my decision? Uh, what about your girlfriend, the one you call 3 times a day for 15-20 minutes? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t97395/ I wouldn't recommend telling her that you're considering changing your mind. Not when you're dating someone else. Also, you don't tell someone you're 'considering' changing your mind. You call if you've changed your mind, or don't call at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soberminded Posted August 28, 2006 Author Share Posted August 28, 2006 Uh, what about your girlfriend, the one you call 3 times a day for 15-20 minutes? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t97395/ I wouldn't recommend telling her that you're considering changing your mind. Not when you're dating someone else. Also, you don't tell someone you're 'considering' changing your mind. You call if you've changed your mind, or don't call at all. I broke it off with my girlfriend this afternoon. The reasons had nothing to do with the ex however. Link to post Share on other sites
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