Trying to make sense of emotionallyabusive husband

[paperdoll]

I am trying to recover from an abusive marriage. We are separated he is in another state. He married me when he was 39 years old, I am his first marriage. We have been married 4 years.

 

But then he began accusing me of cheating when I was not cheating.

 

To this day I still have not been with anyone else. I don't want anyone else. I don't flirt, go places till late without him. I cannot figure it out, unless he is the cheater.

 

He began treating me poorly because he said I was a whore, and that just was not true. I think in his past he dated a lot of women that cheated on him I know he cheated on them and because of this I would not date him for years.

 

I think one of my best qualities is my faithfulness,to all the people I care about and he tried to take that away.

 

If a man or woman accuses you of cheating and you are not, is it more than likely they

are the ones cheating? And if so, Or do they even realize the one they are accusing is

innocent?

 

He calls me about every other day to tell me things he hates about me, or how mad he is at me for things I have am not guilty of.

 

When we were together I never went out at night with friends, I don't flirt , I really did not go anywhere unless with him and to top it off he picks these low life kind of guys saying I cheated with them, these are guys I would not date if I was single.

 

I cannot find anything real that could have made him start accusing me.

 

Until this week when I changed my phone number, I tell him when he calls that if he has nothing nice to say to never call me again, yet he still does it. I hang up on him sometimes 6 or 10 times in a row depending on what obnoxious stupid thing he says about me, and he call me right back up, starts out with he is sorry, and I say "thanks for saying that" and then he goes back into saying crap about me. I was always hoping it would change. Why is he calling me if he hates me?

 

I hurt and miss the man I married but am afraid he never existed, just some guy behind the mask who was really like this all along. I suffer and hurt because I feel so betrayed and tricked and I want and miss that guy who I first married. I am broken hearted.

 

I know I probably shouldn't even care, but I need to make sense of all this, I cannot seem to close the book without some answers as to why this man did this to me. Is he crazy? A cheater who blames me to hide his cheating. What happen?

[Lor]

You are right in hanging up and changing your phone number. Sounds like the guy you married is long gone and has been replaced by a total jerk. Or he was there all along and hid it.

 

He knows he can still hurt you. It sounds like he's taking his unhappy life out on you. You miss him and you still love the guy you first married but aren't you more comfortable with him gone, not being there to accuse you every day of something you didn't do? If you get back with him, will it change or will he still mentally beat you up?

 

YOU know the truth. Let him play games with someone else. Sounds like you need to get out, have some fun, learn to enjoy your life again and to get some self-confidence back. Do it by yourself if you don't have anyone to go with.

[Outcast]

Block his calls. And don't bother trying to figure out irrational behaviour and thinking. He's not well so it's pointless trying to figure out the 'whys' of his thinking.

 

The guy you knew when you first married didn't exist. It was a person on his best behaviour at the time but now you know the real him. He will never be the person you thought he was - that person was imaginary.

 

Shut him out of your life completely and move on for the sake of your own sanity.

[blind_otter]

Block his calls. And don't bother trying to figure out irrational behaviour and thinking. He's not well so it's pointless trying to figure out the 'whys' of his thinking.

 

The guy you knew when you first married didn't exist. It was a person on his best behaviour at the time but now you know the real him. He will never be the person you thought he was - that person was imaginary.

 

Shut him out of your life completely and move on for the sake of your own sanity.

 

I agree 100%.

[Craig]

I hurt and miss the man I married but am afraid he never existed

The man you married never existed. It sucks, it hurts, it is all things hurtful, ugly and irrational but that is the way it is.

 

Establish and maintain no contact as much as possible, move on, get a divorce and start to get your life back.

[Ladyjane14]

There is such a thing as delusional jealousy, also called morbid jealousy and romantic jealousy. There's more information to be had on the net.

I don't want to scare you, but this kind of illness is the thing that stalkers are made of. You might need to consider a restraining order, if the behavior persists.

[paperdoll]

Thank you all so much for your advice. I went to the link and I could not believe my eyes, there was a paragraph which told of a guy that wanted to take an ax to his girlfriends furnature. About a year and a half ago, while separated another time, he went to a house I bought years before we met, in fact I was living in that house when I met him. It was in Utah. At the time he did this I was in Las Vegas and he went to the Utah house and said while he was outside sleeping near the ledge of the cliff he heard me pull up with some guy and go in the house where he said he heard me have sex with him"

 

The next morning he took a wood chopping ax (the real big heavy ax) and he went into the house and broke every antique furniture I had, one including a buffet from the 1900's in perfect condition that my grandparents gave me. It was completely distroyed. He also took all my clothes there piled them up and poured batter acid on them.

 

Of course I never went to Utah when he imagined this, I was in Las Vegas. I tried to show him some receipts from the store that day in Las Vegas where I was living at the time, but he still would not believe it. He said he heard me go to the house with some guy.

 

Another time while broken up, he was in a hotel room Utah and I in Las Vegas. He called me and got the message machine because I was taking a shower when the cell phone rang. He left this crazy message calling me a whore and said he was watching me from his room by a tiny hole in the wall, and I was having sex with 6 or 7 different mexicans.

 

When I heard that message I almost fainted. First of all, I was not in Utah, and I have never done anything like that in my life. He swears even to this day that happen.

 

Imagine being called those things and being told you did these things when you didn't . It is so painful. When I have tried to talk to him and he seemed for a minute to believe me he would say, "Just imagine how it feels to go though what I am going though" I confess, I had little sympathy for him because I felt the victim. I could not imagine someone having these delusions. I just wasn't sure and still am not why he lets his brain tell him these things.

 

Prior to these things happening, I never loved anyone more than him. He was my world. I never wanted to be with anyone else, and still don't. But he is not willing to get help saying I really am a whore and did these things to this day. Then he will call me and tell me how much he hates me for doing these things to him. I would cry and tell him it never happen, that I never cheated on him. To take me to get a polygraph and I would prove it to him. Then he told me that if I passed it, then that would mean he was crazy. Then he said, I would cheat on pass the test anyway."

 

This is when I knew as much as I loved him, I had to move during this separation and just the other day change the number. I am suffering from missing the guy I married and sick about the guy he turned out to be. I feel so cheated by God to finely find the one of my dreams and then he turns out to be like this. I cannot stop crying, and hurting. I sometimes wish I could see him and he would be back to normal. But I know this isn;t going to happen. He won;t get help, he won't let me take the polygraph, he would rather live the lie then be proven wrong.

 

Thank you so much.

Jeanne

[blind_otter]

Um, not. It's not that he would rather live the lie than be proven wrong. He sounds psychotic. IF this is the case it is impossible for him to understand that this is a lie and he probably sincerely believes that youa re cheating on him because he is mentally ill.

 

It always shocks me how people will act like a crazy person should know what they're doing. They don't until they are heavily medicated and stabilized. Honestly it sounds like paranoid delusional schizophrenia to me.

 

I'm just saying. If someone chopped up my furniture they wouldn't ever have the luxury of laying eyes on me again. I would send them to jail, for as long as they could be in jail. I have a hard time understanding what there is to love about how this man treats you.

[norajane]

Jeanne,

 

This guy is seriously messed up and no amount of logic, reason, proof - absolutely nothing will change that without psychiatric treatment and possbily medication. Of course, he'll never go and get help, and even if he did, he wouldn't be anything like the man you imagined him to be when you got married.

 

You're just lucky you weren't in that house when he came in with the axe and the battery acid. Stop ALL contact with him, and remain vigilant. He may come after you one day and hurt you physically.

[Lollie72]

I can see symptoms of paranoid personality disorder in your description, there are support groups for family members, you can search on yahoo for one. ALso what he's doing is projecting his past images and beliefs of his x's onto you. SO you can seriously let yourself off the hook, it's his stuff, it's controlling him, he's mentally ill. ANd you cannot change it, he has to want it. And if you leave before he comes to his senses and gets counseling, then you have no reason to beat yourself up over it. You cannot control his sick mentally ill perceptions. You just cannot, no matter how much you may consider barganing with yourself to stay. Your now codependent to him/his disease mentally. Please consider trying coda, or another group or reading books on codependence. People can be seriously affected by disorders/addictions very fast and just because he's not a drug addict, doesn't mean your not affected in these ways.

[Lollie72]

Now I think he's paranoid schitzophernic, and if he's done that type of physical damage, you can get a restraining order for sure. Dear, what you have control over is looking at why your staying in the sitaution a long as you are, what's on your side of the street, what are you getting out of staying in any shape or form in contact with him at all? Do you want to fix, rescue....love people you can pity? Then it's codependence on your part that will hurt your the most in the end. And any continuing lack of boundaries physical or mental will only be to your own detriment and maybe risk your life in the end. I'd let the police know for sure of these violent acts, he could all ready be in jail for destruction of property. But somehow I suspect you think you'd be hurting him and blame yourself if you did report this. It's so ok, to just allow yoursel to let go and remind yourself you didn't cause his sickness and it's not your responsibility to fix it and it's really not safe in any way to remain in his life, and to deny that is to indulge your ego in belief you have any type of power over him/fixing him. Your not his GOD and let his GOD take care of his future and any type of recovery he may go through with his mental problems. Your own god wants a whole lot more for you.

[sno]

My ex accused me of cheating every single moment of every day. Guess what I wasnt and he knew it. We was togather literally 24/7 He couldnt cheat on me and I couldnt cheat on him. One he beat me and accused me of cheating because I walked to get a drink out of a drink machine two doors down from my apartment. I wasnt gone more that thirty seconds. Didnt talk to anyone no one was out side. ABUSE is abuse. Whether he is cheating on you or not isnt what matters.....He has no right at all to abuse you mentally and verbally like this. Trust me you should leave him find someone who is emotionally stable. I know from experience

[paperdoll]

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for the good advice. This has been good for me. I have no one to talk to about this and it has just stayed bottled up. Thank you.

He has been in Virginia and me in Las Vegas for 6 months.

I moved so he does not have the address and I just changed my phone number the other day because of his calling me to say bad things to me.

My biggest problem now is forgetting what once was, before he turned so strange. I am working very hard at trying to forget him. I know I have to because the guy I married does not exist anymore.

I cannot afford counseling right now, I wish I could. but this has helped a lot.

This is probably important too is that his mother always interferred in our marriage. She would call at least 4 times a day. Now he is living at home again

and so are the only other children they have , three boys. All over 30 years of age. I first one left his wife because she was a "whore" now he is just comes home from work, shuts his door and stays in there till he goes to work again.

The second brother has two children by his ex girlfriend who he left, guess why? because she is a "whore" and now my husband is back home with his parents and brothers because he says I am the "whore.

His father stays pretty much out of things since his wife, my husbands mother almost left him because he tried to discipline my husband when he was a young boy.

His father was on a submarine 11 months out of the year leaving only 1 month a year to be with his wife and boys. My husband got in all kinds of trouble when he was a child, probably acting out. I have kept this to myself but I wonder if maybe since his father was gone 11 months of the year maybe his mother (who was then in her prime) was the "whore" and he supresses that and calls every one else that is female the "whore". Do you think that could be?

 

Sno, I have had my husband do the same thing. I would be 5 minutes late from the market and he would accuse of cheating. Thank you for sharing that. I am so sorry you had to go though that too.

 

Thank you all so much,

Jeanne

[sno]

Sweetie if you go to the Domestic Violence Place in your area they have a support group where people such as yourself go to just talk and their is always a professional counselor there too help...When I got out of my abusive relationship that is what I did not only did the other peoples stories help me realize it wasnt all my fault I believe I help other people. Just try it...they gave me all kinds of information and packets, workbooks. You dont have to spend alot of money to get help.

[Billy Bob]

Your husband's last name isn't "Bates" is it? First name "Norman"? Have you actually ever seen your mother-in-law?

[sno]

I believe his mom probably did have alot to do with this....then someone probably cheated on him....then you came along. Yeah something like that. He didnt realize what he had because in his mind know one can be faithful......every female is a whore. Ya know the saying goes a man wants a woman like is mom. But he cant want that because of what his mom was. I am sure this caused alot of trauma. I am very glad you got out of this relationship....I know it seems very hard right now but the sun will shine again I promise. And this time when the sun comes out there will be no clouds blocking the rays. I am praying for you. I hope everything works out for the best!

[sno]

Of course I am from nc so I know nothing about Las Vegas but here are some numbers to D.V. places call them they may help....some maybe wrong I dont know I looked them up on internet I would probably try the hotline first. Ask them questions they maynot be the right numbers for the group sesions but they may can point you in the right direction!

TADC (702)6464981

Hotline (702)5643227

D.V (702)2294451

D.V (702)4553400

[paperdoll]

Sno,

I wish there were more people in the world like you. Thank you for caring and looking up the numbers. I will for sure call. I have no family and my husband pretty much separated me from my few friends. I am so grateful for your help. this in its self has made me feel so much better

Thank you again,

Jeanne

[sno]

Sno,

I wish there were more people in the world like you. Thank you for caring and looking up the numbers. I will for sure call. I have no family and my husband pretty much separated me from my few friends. I am so grateful for your help. this in its self has made me feel so much better

Thank you again,

Jeanne

 

You are very welcome. I have been there before. I was seperated from everything too...Luckily I managed to get some of it back. I realized who was here for me really. But alot of my family doesnt speak to me anymore. I know who it feels to have this one person control you thoughts, feelings, movements, etc. And I know for me it was very hard to just go back to "LIFE" and move one. I just want you to know there is someone who cares for you and would do anything for you. I hope those numbers help. Also I met many great people while I was in the Domestic Violence Program. That maybe a great way to met people in your area also. I know I became very close with one girl in my class. We went through the exact same things, he husband would hit her for the exact same CRAZY reasons my bf would me. I hope you can find someone to relate to like that. I helps so much talking to someone who doesnt say why did you leave him the first time. I was so happy to know I wasnt the only person going though this. It wasnt my fault. Once again I am praying for you. Love Sno;)

[Craig]

Paperdoll something that has come up many times in my support group for survivors of DV is why is the abuser the way they are? Why are they so completely irrationally abusive? The only answer that other group members and myself ever came up with is that the abuser has mental challenges. Call it a brain chemistry disfunction, bad wiring--whatever. We decided over many months that there is no understanding the abuser and in 99.999999997% of the cases that the abuser will not stop abusing, they may change the form of abuse but will not stop the abuse.

 

Sno is right on when it comes to contacting your local DV center. I guarantee that you will feel 100% better after your first meeting with a counselor or advocate.

 

Here is an article that I found inspiring, I hope you get some value out of it too. I realize you are separated from your abuser but it is a great article...

 

http://www.justicewomen.com/tips_escape.html

[Lollie72]

Your not alone right now. The last time I saw my spouse, he threw my full suitcase at me down at me down a long flight of cement stairs. I'm in fear for my safety as well. I'm going to have to have my lawyer accept the divorce papers for me or call the sheriff's dept. and ensure that I get them without my current location be revealed.

 

Laura

[sno]

Your not alone right now. The last time I saw my spouse, he threw my full suitcase at me down at me down a long flight of cement stairs. I'm in fear for my safety as well. I'm going to have to have my lawyer accept the divorce papers for me or call the sheriff's dept. and ensure that I get them without my current location be revealed.

 

Laura

 

I am glad you arent in this situation anymore...I am glad to know also that he doesnt know where you are. I dont know you or your situation but you may want to think about going to a support group also. I am not trying to push everyone into a support group but Trust me it helps alot to talk and lend an ear to someone going through the samethings.

[paperdoll]

Lollie, it really is painful when you know your spouse is such a weak man that he would do something like that huh? I know that when my husband started his abuse I was first very disappointed that I picked a guy like that, second, I wanted to kick myself in the butt for not sticking with my first instincts that told me to never date him.

Are you separated now? Do you still talk to him?

 

Hugs,

Jeanne

[Lollie72]

I am glad you arent in this situation anymore...I am glad to know also that he doesnt know where you are. I dont know you or your situation but you may want to think about going to a support group also. I am not trying to push everyone into a support group but Trust me it helps alot to talk and lend an ear to someone going through the samethings.

 

 

I'm a support group junkie

[Lollie72]

Lollie, it really is painful when you know your spouse is such a weak man that he would do something like that huh? I know that when my husband started his abuse I was first very disappointed that I picked a guy like that, second, I wanted to kick myself in the butt for not sticking with my first instincts that told me to never date him.

Are you separated now? Do you still talk to him?

 

Hugs,

Jeanne

 

I'm working on getting a lawyer. He left me basically penniless, with $200 per month in support. I'll be living free with friends I consider from GOD. I do hope I can help out others someday and pay it forward.