tipper28 Posted July 10, 2006 Share Posted July 10, 2006 I'm 36 and have been in a relationship for 3 years with a woman, 32. Things are great. We live together, love each other, have a lot of great sex, and both feel like we're actually going to stay together for this life. Things couldn't be better. I've never been happier, except one thing... I have a big hangup with her past. She's had sex in one form or another with over 100 guys. Most of them as a teenager and some during a short period about eight years ago between marriages.I know this is really a problem of my own insecurity and regret over having wasted my best years in unfulfilling relationships, resulting in only being with 20 girls in my life. She was upfront with me on this issue from the beginning, although reluctant to share details that I am, for some reason, obsessed with knowing. Talking about it is very hard for her, so she only does on my insistance (and then its very upsetting for her). The bottom line is it tears me up when I think of her doing some stranger in the back seat of his car.Trying not to think about it doesn't help. I can't control what comes into my head. I don't have any worries about her cheating, she's a different person now. Just these terrible thoughts, I can't seem to shake. Any help would be appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted July 10, 2006 Share Posted July 10, 2006 I can understand why her past might bother you somewhat, but really, it's the past. You can't change it so dwelling on it is just not a good idea. I think you should see what is positive about it all. For one, she has experience in that department and you are now the sole beneficiary of her knowledge. Also, it seems like she's tried the rest and found the best in you. Take comfort in knowing she is willing to forsake all others just for you. You should be flattered and hopefully will gain some confidence by that fact. Most likely, she would not be the same person she is today without all of her life experiences. Would you really want to change her? Link to post Share on other sites
BUTAFLY Posted July 10, 2006 Share Posted July 10, 2006 You knew of this before you got together so what does it matter now? So she had sex with alot of men and you will be her last because you satisfy her in everyway(sexually& emotionally). Just remember those other couldn't do that for her- only you. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted July 10, 2006 Share Posted July 10, 2006 Two things. retroactive jealousy, is the "label" for what you suffer from. Jealousy over a partner's past lovers. There's also Homosociality, which is the idea that men are more concerned with winning the approval of other males than of women. Men measure their worth according to standards set by other men, not by women (according to Hugo Schwyzer). So involved with retroactive jealousy is the false assumption that you are competing with her past lovers. Schwyzer has good advice: A true lover can say, "Before there was an 'us', there was a 'you' and a 'me', and I will never use what you did in the past against you. I honor your right to have lived the life you chose to live before we were together, and I ask that you honor my right to my past as well." Focus on the joy of the present, or you could mess up a good thing. Ultimately, you need to seriously consider whether you will be able to overcome your issue with her past, and part of that is coming to terms with your OWN past. And if you do end this relationship for God's sake, don't have "the numbers" talk any more with any one else. For people who are in their 30s, this only serves to piss both of you off, in different ways. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted July 10, 2006 Share Posted July 10, 2006 This is very similar to a previous post recently -- to me its an issue of respect. If you can't respect her because of this, then it will not get any better the longer you go. Let her go, gently, and find someone with more statistically ordinary numbers. Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted July 10, 2006 Share Posted July 10, 2006 Always intriguing.... The numbers game. It is not about how many partners you have had, it is about how you behave in your current relationship. Thats it really, all there is too it. I am who I am because of the path I chose to get here. That includes all the women I banged in the back seat of cars or parks or parties or....or... or.... It goes on, but it is NOT now. It was then. There is no threat to anyone in the now, and there is no changng the then. It is the same for everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tipper28 Posted July 11, 2006 Author Share Posted July 11, 2006 Thanks to everybody for your input. I had never heard about "retroactive jeolousy" before (although I think I coined it in my own head prior to seeing it here, I just never published anything on the subject). Its helpful to know that I am not the only one with this problem. I definitely love this woman exactly as she is and I would not want to change a thing - and I know that the person she is now is a product of her past experience. I completely get that in my rational mind. This doesn't change the fact that thoughts come into my head that hurt me. I can tell myself over and over again that I love the person she is and I should live in the present and not think about those things, but it's not that easy. I know this is what needs to happen - but how do I make it happen? Any specific thoughts on that are especially appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted July 11, 2006 Share Posted July 11, 2006 As with any cognitive re-direction, you have to be disciplined in applying that rational logic to your emotions. Like with people who have irrational phobias. You force yourself to deal with the irrational fear by confronting that negative, illogical thought pattern with the positive reality you are experiencing. Think of it as snapping a mental rubber band whenever you allow yourself to think about those things. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted July 11, 2006 Share Posted July 11, 2006 100 guys is a large number, usually only rivaled by porn stars, if you arent comfortable with it then tell her, theres nothing wrong with feeling bad over it. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted July 11, 2006 Share Posted July 11, 2006 There is also room in this for your own values -- I agree it may weigh on your mind too heavily, but there is no dividend in assuming that it's all in your head and all your problem. If you're reasonably balanced and this is an issue for you, it's your gut telling you to get out. You don't need to think poorly of her just to realize those kinds of numbers are pretty crazy and not your thing Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 11, 2006 Share Posted July 11, 2006 That retroactive jealousy is your ego talking, and your regret that you didn't have as much sex in your past with as many women as she did men. Dwelling on the details isn't helping you put this out of your mind - it's just giving you more details to dwell on, so stop asking about the details of where, how, and with whom. You are hurting her, yourself, and your very good relationship together by allowing this to come between you...it could destroy your relationship if you allow your obsession to continue. Respect the woman you are with for she did not hide her past, she did not lie to you about it, she has 'forsaken all others' and she is giving you information even though it's painful for her to answer your questions. When you get the worm in your head, replace your thoughts with thoughts of how wonderful she is to you and for you. Feel happy about the sex life YOU are having with her. Enjoy your great relationship and allow it to grow. Focus on developing a deep, emotional intimacy with her as that's something she hasn't had with those other guys, and that's something that will make you feel like you're the only man in the world in her eyes. Every woman has a past of some kind or other. Trust me, you wouldn't like it any better if she'd only had 3 partners but they were long term relationships and the bestest, wildest sex she'd ever had. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted July 11, 2006 Share Posted July 11, 2006 Trust me, you wouldn't like it any better if she'd only had 3 partners but they were long term relationships and the bestest, wildest sex she'd ever had. Not really. Atleast with those 3 you know it was relationships. 100 means atleast some of them had to be random guys she met and f*cked, so..yes it would be much better, atleast he'd know she wasnt prone to casual sex with strangers. Im not trying to be mean, but thats true, people can go on and on about respect and how its the past, which is fine. If it was 5, or even 15 its different, but 100..is well...yeah anyways good luck with this, i know i wouldnt be able to handle it Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 11, 2006 Share Posted July 11, 2006 Not really. Atleast with those 3 you know it was relationships. 100 means atleast some of them had to be random guys she met and f*cked, so..yes it would be much better, atleast he'd know she wasnt prone to casual sex with strangers. Im not trying to be mean, but thats true, people can go on and on about respect and how its the past, which is fine. If it was 5, or even 15 its different, but 100..is well...yeah anyways good luck with this, i know i wouldnt be able to handle it See, I think it would be much harder for a guy to accept if she had past relationships (a few or many) and couldn't stop talking about how great they were, and how often those guys made her come, and how they knew so much about how to please her, and how she just loved their sex life... I would expect it would be a lot less painful to know the sex she was having was meaningless, rather than something she was still hung up on and thinking about all the time, instead of thinking about HIM. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted July 11, 2006 Share Posted July 11, 2006 To me, its not about what KIND of sex she was having, but rather the fact that she thought so low of herself to sleep with that many ppl you know? not the fear of disease, i'd be worried she would cheat on me cuz well, like i said 100 could not of been serious or even 1 month relationships, a lot of those had to be one time things and i would just be worried it would happen again, or that i'd know someone she slept with Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 11, 2006 Share Posted July 11, 2006 To me, its not about what KIND of sex she was having, but rather the fact that she thought so low of herself to sleep with that many ppl you know? not the fear of disease, i'd be worried she would cheat on me cuz well, like i said 100 could not of been serious or even 1 month relationships, a lot of those had to be one time things and i would just be worried it would happen again, or that i'd know someone she slept with I can understand that...I guess it's just that, as a woman, I've met many men whose numbers go pretty high...and women are usually told that's just 'men sowing their wild oats' and it's not about men's self-esteem issues, or that they'd be cheaters when they eventually make a commitment. If we believe that about men, why not give a woman the benefit of the doubt, too? Staying on topic...tipper, if you have those fears that Spectre raises, giving your love the benefit of the doubt when all signs are that you have a great relationship seems like the right way to go here. Partners give each other the benefit of the doubt all the time, particularly when there has been no harm or foul in the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
sno Posted July 11, 2006 Share Posted July 11, 2006 Look its her PAST before she met you. She may have changed before you or you could have been the reason she changed. It would be a problem if she didnt change but why would it matter as long as she isnt going to have sex with 100 more guys and its only you. I mean in society it is hard to accept because a female is not suppost to have sex with anyone or she is all kinds of names....but ya know it doesnt matter. If you love her she loves you You are both faithful you cant change the past so dont stress it. At least she told you and is honest with you...because most females who have had sex with 100 guys is gonna say yeah baby I have had sex with 3 people all serious relationships...blah blah blah. At least she told you. Dont dwell in the past live in the present and strive for a good future! Link to post Share on other sites
The slayer Posted July 11, 2006 Share Posted July 11, 2006 You'll never be able to forget about the 100 guys and nor should you try, for as you say so yourself your girlfrend is a product of her past....so I'd say why not try focusing on the postive aspects ... 100 guys and she still chose me100 guys and I'm the best100 guys and I get to keep her100 guys and I get to be the last Link to post Share on other sites
john2776 Posted July 12, 2006 Share Posted July 12, 2006 I could not handle a gf who had slept with 100. I would not even try. Basically the whole self respect thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted July 12, 2006 Share Posted July 12, 2006 See, I think it would be much harder for a guy to accept if she had past relationships (a few or many) and couldn't stop talking about how great they were, and how often those guys made her come, and how they knew so much about how to please her, and how she just loved their sex life... I would expect it would be a lot less painful to know the sex she was having was meaningless, rather than something she was still hung up on and thinking about all the time, instead of thinking about HIM. I agree with Spectre. The issue isn't being jealous of her having chosen them, the issue is being able to respect that she gives the OP access when she also gave it to all of them. Sex in a relationship is a different animal -- just as a mature man understands she can have loved a past boyfriend/husband but that is no longer the case (otherwise, he wouldn't be in a relationship with her) it's not an issue that she had relations that went along with the relationship too. They also had birthdays together, went to dinner, met parents, etc. I couldn't give 2 figs about what kind of banging a g/f used to do with a b/f. If ours isn't good or good enough, then there isn't a relationship anyway. And if she talks about it or how great it was, etc., then she's not really g/f material anyway. I'm not sure that the whole "she chose me" angle will work - of course she chose you -- because all the rest of them were just banging her. You also have to be her b/f and do all the dopey b/f stuff they didn't. So given her past, her standards for choosing aren't that tough. I still say you go back to your gut. If you feel like you can get past this and bolster any insecurities you have, and she is worth it, then give it a go. Otherwise, hold your head up and gracefully depart. Just remember, there isn't anything she's going to be able to do for you on this front, and she's trying to forget it. Link to post Share on other sites
purspeed Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 She sounds like an true sexual artist. Purspeed to the rescue: How terrible is wisdom when it brings no profit to the wise? You'll get over it, dood. After a while, you might appreciate the fact, as she probably has good sexual skills (a rare, but valuable commodity). In about 4-5 years, you won't give a f***. You'll be trying to pawn her off to another 100 guys to keep her busy as you seek out young, hot women on the side. Link to post Share on other sites
megnog Posted July 14, 2006 Share Posted July 14, 2006 hmm yeah purspeed to the rescue. that was some awesome advice. In about 4-5 years, you won't give a f***. You'll be trying to pawn her off to another 100 guys to keep her busy as you seek out young, hot women on the side. i could be wrong, but i don't think thats his plan. Link to post Share on other sites
purspeed Posted July 14, 2006 Share Posted July 14, 2006 Of course not. Reality asserts itself on any plan, especially plans of the heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted July 15, 2006 Share Posted July 15, 2006 Look its her PAST before she met you. Cool, so 20 years from now you have a daughter, she brings home a recently paroled charles manson. Youre cool with it right? I mean, its his PAST, before he met your daughter. At least she told you and is honest with you *shrug* why does everyone on this board hail people for honesty? Is the fact that she told him supposed to make him jump for joy his gf banged 100 guys? Being honest should come standard, there should be no praise for it. Dont dwell in the past live in the present and strive for a good future! so you'd accept ol charlie as your son in law, right? Link to post Share on other sites
BentSpine Posted July 15, 2006 Share Posted July 15, 2006 By the sheer number ( 100 ) of studs, odds are the studs will see you & your gf and think "I and the rest of the fotball team had a piece of that girl." Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted July 15, 2006 Share Posted July 15, 2006 For your sake I hope she runs, it must be like tossing a hotdog into a tunnel. Link to post Share on other sites
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