Trying to deal with her past

[tipper28]

Just to clarify....she hasn't banged 100 guys. 30 or so of that is oral only, so the banging is somewhere in the 70's. not that it matters. it could be 50 or 200 and I'm sure I'd feel just as insecure about it.

 

Do any of you girls out there have numbers like this or even close? when you've had relationships, do the guys know? and if so what do they think?

[poindimie]

At first my fiance said 9. That became 19. Then it was 20's. Now I'm not too sure, it could be 40's. Including group sex with 12 at once. And he has only had about a year of "singledom" in his life, which was obviously a very busy year. He had also given me the impression that he thought casual sex was disgusting, which was something that I really liked about him, but that unfortunately turned out to be a fallacy.

 

When he first told me, I actually felt physically sick. And I'm definately no prude either, as I have done things like that in the past. Just not as wild and with so many people. And it still makes me queasy when I think about it.

 

I know how you feel, it rips your heart out that all these other people shared something that feels so intimate between you two, and they shared it in the most cheap and vulgar way.

 

I find the best way to think of it is to dissassociate sex with love, becuase that's what she did. The other guys got a shot at her, but at the end of the day, you are the one who gets to go home and wake up beside her. It's so hard not to be disgusted, but ask yourself if those times were so much fun for her, why does she come home to you every night?

 

The answer is that because for her, being with you is better than all that.

 

 

P.S. On a more practical note, try not to obsess over it, ie. count exact numbers, times etc. - that leads to mental images which turn out to be a lot more idealised (in a bad way) than what actually occured. When you find yourself thinking about it, picture a big red "STOP" sign in your head, and over time you will think about it less and less, and metally adjust to the reality of things. But trust me mate, I know. Mental images suck.

[blind_otter]

Just to clarify....she hasn't banged 100 guys. 30 or so of that is oral only, so the banging is somewhere in the 70's. not that it matters. it could be 50 or 200 and I'm sure I'd feel just as insecure about it.

 

Do any of you girls out there have numbers like this or even close? when you've had relationships, do the guys know? and if so what do they think?

 

I never share my number for this precise reason. Jealousy served an evolutionary function for our ancestors, so it IS a reality, regardless of whether it makes any sense or not. You can google "evolutionary function of jealousy" if you want more information about why this emotion exists.

 

That said, I myself can get jealous of people's past partners, so I just don't go there. Simple as that. If I know they are sexually healthy, and disease-free then I let it go at that and accept that who they are now is part and parcel of what the experienced in the past.

[electric_sheep]

This is ridiculously common. Any relationship expert will tell you NEVER to discuss this kind of crap.

 

Even your curiosity and insistance on hearing about it is common, as I know all too well (I could probably write a book on this). Just remember, curiosity killed the cat.

 

I dated (am still dating) a really immature girl that for whatever reason used to constantly bring up her past lovers ... even going so far as directly comparing me to them at one point. There was just a bad synergy between her getting a wicked little kick out of emotionally torturing me, and me all the while loving it, that nearly tore us apart ... until I just short-circuited one day, and now I couldn't care less. I really zapped the steam out of her too, by telling her how far below par she was compared to the first great love of my life (I would never be this cruel under normal circumstances ... but being treated cruely begets cruelity). Then she fell in love with me and realized how stupid she was being. I know, I know ... dysfunctional. Ain't it great ?

 

Anyway, the fact your girl doesn't want to discuss the matter is a good sign ... she is a considerate girl, with a good head on her shoulders. So, just remember the onus in not on her, but on you to stop prodding.

 

Oh yeah, you wanted practical advice ... I wrote a short little essay describing what worked for me. Realize too that time is a great healer. Soon enough you'll be thinking about Natalie Portman when you're having sex with her (save the vitriol ! I tell my girlfriend to think about Johnny Depp.)

 

I don't think they let you post links here, which sucks.

 

There is another board, called Conscious Loving. Go there and search on posts from electric_sheep, or simply on "Guidelines for dealing with (retroactive) jealousy". I tried posting it here but it got cut off.

 

Good luck, and remember, the past is not real. It exists only as imperfect electrical impulses in the brain.

 

link below (?):

http://consciousloving.com/forums/showthread.php?t=12813

[Spectre]

This is ridiculously common.

 

The being jealous part yes, the banging 70 guys? no.

 

Anyway, the fact your girl doesn't want to discuss the matter is a good sign ... she is a considerate girl, with a good head on her shoulders.

 

considering what the OP is posting about, this made me chuckle.

 

 

I don't think they let you post links here, which sucks.

 

For some reason they're also against editing your posts after about 2 minutes are past.

[Spectre]

 

Do any of you girls out there have numbers like this or even close? when you've had relationships, do the guys know? and if so what do they think?

 

 

I'm not a chick and even I can answer this question. While it is true most girls don't like to divulge their number, most of them also do not have numbers that high either. Most people do not sleep around that much.