ConfusedGal Posted July 10, 2006 Share Posted July 10, 2006 Hi all, So do you think you have all of the qualitied in your that are desirable to your husband?? A lot of times, I feel like I am the complete opposite of what he wants... For example, I think the things that he likes are that I have a great heart, a great sense of humor, and a great career/education... What he doesnt like... my lack of control on situations, being really bad about doing this like paying bills on time (lack of organization), not being very clean regarding the house, dont carry myself in the classy, sexy way he would like, cant cook much, like clothes and all but not attentive to things like having my nails done nicely, a pushover with family, and he thinks I say no to everything he wants which is completely untrue. He asks me for my opinion, and when he does I give it, cause I think he WANTS to know...! A lot of times I think he would have been much better off with someone completely different. I can even visualize the type of woman he would better with. Dont get me wrong. I love him a lot, but he gets so frustrated with my lack or organization etc. Things I dont "mean to" do badly but are kind of in my nature...He gets so annoyed at the way the house is not organized. We usually do it together in the weekends and honestly he does most of it...But when gets frustrated I tell him "Hey, I work too! I work later than you in the weekdays!" Does anyone else feel like this way?? Do you have most of traits your spouse desires and vice versa? Link to post Share on other sites
oannamarie Posted July 10, 2006 Share Posted July 10, 2006 I feel the exact same way. They do say that opposites attract though Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted July 10, 2006 Share Posted July 10, 2006 Did you ever think that the problem is not with you but with him? Link to post Share on other sites
mess4u Posted July 10, 2006 Share Posted July 10, 2006 Do you want to be the women he wants? Or do you really think he is better off with a more organized classy women. Because you sound like a careing hard working women to me. You oviously had something he was after to marry you. Why dont you try it. Go get your nails done and a pedicure. Very relaxing Wich a little self pampering might make you feel better about yourself. See if he will go shoping with you to get a more classic or sexier look. And high heals very sexy. Even in the bed room ! As for house cleaning and bill organizing I'm not the best either. Sorry cant help you there. But, I have always felt a lived in house makes a home. Good luck. I hope whatever your solution helps you to be happy with your self. Thats a good desirable trait too. Ha! Ha! And my story isnt much different than yours either. Link to post Share on other sites
ladyinwaiting Posted July 10, 2006 Share Posted July 10, 2006 I feel the same way sometimes. I'm quite a bit like you - I'm a career woman, with no interest in any of that domesticity stuff. Sure, I keep the house clean (in fact, I do almost all the housework), but I have no sense of interior design and the place looks nothing like his friends' immaculate homes. I cook occasionally, but I can't produce anything fit for entertaining and usually resort to takeout. I'm not particularly socially adaquate, and have a very hard time fitting in at his work parties - I usually try not to go, and he doesn't insist because I always embarrass him. At such events, I can't help but look at all his colleagues wives - they are well-groomed women who, at best, work part time. They have time to have their hair and nail done, they know what they look good in, and they care about the texture of the throw cushions on thier couches. Wouldn't my fiance prefer one of them? But then I realise, no, he wouldn't, or he would have one of them. There is no shortage of attractive wanna-be-kept women, and he could find one if that's what he wanted. Instead, his with me. And, sure, he may not get home cooked dinners served by a charming hostess, but he lives a lifestyle funded by my salary, and he gets a wife who can talk politics and history, who can repair his car and fix the fence and curl up on the couch and watch Battlestar Galactica. Us women are always expected to have it all and do it all. Most of us can't, and beat ourselves up over it. We all need to stop this slef critical crap and just accept ourselves for our good points - God knows, men do! You have found a guy who loves you. Accept it and be happy Link to post Share on other sites
BareGoddess Posted July 10, 2006 Share Posted July 10, 2006 I have no delusions. I know the things my H would like me to change about myself but the fact is if you asked him, he'd tell you the things I'd change about him too. We love and accept each other as we are. We fell in love with each other as we are. Neither of us is out to change the other. We do each have things about ourselves that we want to change on our own..for our own personal growth and also to please each other. But overall, we accept each other as we are. Link to post Share on other sites
hy-c Posted July 10, 2006 Share Posted July 10, 2006 I know I am the wife he wants. (Not to sound too cocky there, but) He married me, and we are in love with each other. However my problem is the changes we've undergone. When we first met, I was a senior and balanced working f/t 1/2 that semester. After we dated for a couple months I moved in with him & his mom. She helped me graduate highschool, otherwise I would've dropped out. When we met he was a dropout, and he wasn't working. He was kind of a bum, (although he got his g.e.d.) But I was ok with that, b/c he had plenty of time for me and helping me with anything I needed. He cooked, and kept his moms' house clean. Now, he is working fulltime in the Navy (1 1/2yrs). I am staying at home, and just got my certification to run a daycare, so I can be a stay at home mom. We are expecting a baby July 28th, and just recently got married (1 yr) so things have changed pretty drastically. I keep the house clean (sorta;)) and make dinner most nights (although like some of you posted take out is easier). He usually eats what I make, even if I won't. I have always been one to make sure he feels comfortable. I used to massage his back on occasion, but now it's expected. I do the little things for him that matter, the special surprises every now and then when he gets home. Since we got married last sept, and I moved to live with him on base, he started slacking. His idea of helping with the housework is doing the dishes. I have to put them in the sink to get them into the dishwasher though, or they get left on the sink. I also have to clean the rest of the kitchen. He no longer makes dinner, ever. He would rather not eat than look in the cabinet. Which makes me feel bad, so I end up cooking to get him to eat. (He only eats dinner, maybe a snack at work) He quit doing the little things though. We used to look into each others eyes, and he could tell me what I was thinking or how I was feeling. I loved it, didn't understand how he did it but w/e. Now he thinks I am being a dork if I try to get him to do it. We used to lay in bed and just talk about stuff to talk, now there are lots of times when he doesn't want me to talk, or doesn't want to hear about things that happened during my day. I am a major cuddle bug, but since the weather in florida is a lot hotter than colorado, I'm lucky he hugs me. We used to watch cuddle up and watch movies together. We usually eat dinner while watching the movie, but it's always too hot to cuddle. The only thing he continues to do that he used to is buying flowers. I stayed at his moms for a month (pregnancy vacation from stress) and when he picked me up from the airport, he bought flowers. I hope the idea comes across right. Those are just a few examples. We do love each other very much, but we quit going places and doing things together. Partly b/c of expenses. I am not trying to change him, but I want the him back that I used to know. He is always tired now, and just wants to play computer games, and watch movies. His libido dropped from a 10 - 3 too. Aside from wanting the little things back, I don't know how to get it across to him that they are missing. I am also worried b/c of his behavior. He has started to tell me that he doesn't deserve me, and that I am too good for him. I constantly get upset and ask him not to say things like that. He also tells me he is a f*** up. These things bother me, but I am not too sure what to do about them. I realize the baby thing stresses him out, especially since we are living off his paycheck right now. I won't have a real income until the middle of October. (You can't have daycare kids until your child is at least 6-8 wks old, and fully inocculated.) Anyways I am just looking for some helpful insight. If anyone knows how I can motivate or help my hub get back to the person he used to be, I would love to hear. My insight right now is my mom, and she quit liking him, so her "help" is...when you decide marriage isn't right for you... What should I do? Is there anything I can do? I am worried that if this continues for too much longer it will have drastically terrible effects on our relationship. (Would like to patch things before they become a big problem) I have started feeling like a burden to him, and try not to upset him. He works a lot, and I want the time we spend together to be happy. But I feel I am starting to make myself unhappy. "If you aren't happy, it's almost impossible to make others happy" If anyone thinks I am the problem and I don't realize it, would love to know that too. Would love to hear everyone's 2 cents. Please help... Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted July 11, 2006 Share Posted July 11, 2006 My wife would say she isn't. I would disagree with her. She's precisely what I want/wanted which is why I married her in the first place. I think we compliment and enhance one another and fill in for each others' lacks. Most of all, we're both free to be ourselves and that's the most important quality. I like who I am when I'm with her. Thankfully, we both like to cook and are very good at it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted July 12, 2006 Share Posted July 12, 2006 I'm not so sure I'm what my H would have picked earlier in life. My husband has been with alot of different women. I'm not like either of his two previous wives. The first one he married when he was 23 and it lasted last than a year- she was tall, blonde and model type- she was only interested in planning a big wedding and material things. The second one was dark and spanish like Penelope Cruz- but not that good looking! She never kept up her appearance which didn't seem to really bother him that much. I'm kind of a mixture of them. I'm short and curvy with blonde hair. I'm not low maint but I'm not high maint. I keep my nails and such up- I keep my hair up. I don't go out of the house looking like a ragmuffin but I can run out to the store without makeup. My H grew up in a house where his dad did all the cooking. He's always done that his whole life. He cooks usually, I clean. I cook on occasion but not alot. He doesn't mind. I bring other things to the table. I think sometimes how did he marry someone so different from some of the women he's been with?? He has really never been with someone who loved him as much as he loved them I don't think. So, the fact that I'm head over heels with him- desire him sexually like crazy- and that I'm good to him does alot for him. I think CG that alot of things that you guys would have figured out in a courtship you missed out on. But he's got the wife he's got- and trying to change a person never works. They end up resenting you if they even change. Besides, you earn enough to pay a housekeeper!! Get one! Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted July 12, 2006 Share Posted July 12, 2006 pixie, your DH sounds like mine: self-sufficient! He knows how to cook and does most of the cooking, with the understanding that I'll clean up afterward (which I prefer to do, since he's more creative in his meal preparation than I am). why did Mr. Q marry me? I think the one quality he was looking for was loyalty. Both of his previous wives cheated on him, which broke up the marriage; I'm old-school Mexican Catholic, and I think he was attracted to my outlook on marriage and fidelity. I'm not sure if he considers lack of marital fidelity a deal-breaker, because based on some of what he said, he was willing to work things out with his first wife, but she was already pregnant with other man's baby and he didn't want to get in the way of that relationship working out. Wife two was evil, so he was glad when she ran off with his best friend, though he did say he warned the guy that she was bad news ... really, about the only thing we fight over is my spending money (i.e., credit card) when I don't have it. He doesn't care that I've only mastered a handful of dishes that I'll willing prepare; he doesn't care that the house is cluttered; he doesn't care that I'm overweight; none of that can compare to what he finds important: loyalty to our marriage. as far as I'm concerned, he's a pretty good guy – generous when he's able to be, willing to try things or go off the beaten path, open to new ideas, considerate, treats my family like his own. Best of all is that he knows what makes laugh. I think I'd catalogue our relationship as very low-maintenence ... Link to post Share on other sites
basscatcher Posted July 12, 2006 Share Posted July 12, 2006 My wife would say she isn't. I would disagree with her. She's precisely what I want/wanted which is why I married her in the first place. I think we compliment and enhance one another and fill in for each others' lacks. Most of all, we're both free to be ourselves and that's the most important quality. I like who I am when I'm with her. Thankfully, we both like to cook and are very good at it. Curm I always love what you have to say!!.. You are really true to yourself and others.. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted July 12, 2006 Share Posted July 12, 2006 We are actually sometimes like the same person. I'd only experienced that feeling with my first love. To find it again is amazing. When we're working in the kitchen together it's like we're one person with four hands sometimes. My husband can clean a house, and is laundry is amazing. He likes his socks just so in his drawer and prefers to fold them himself. Once I came home to find as a surprise that he organized my closet by color! I think he's a little OCD about things like that but that's okay because I'm not having to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted July 12, 2006 Share Posted July 12, 2006 I know my fiance is the one I want. I never in a million thought I would ever find a woman like her but she is everything a man could want. I hope she realize that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedGal Posted July 12, 2006 Author Share Posted July 12, 2006 Hi, Well, Woggle. I hope you continue to feel that way for a long time! I think he might have felt different about a lot of stuff when we first got married and were engaged etc and same with me...Once those years start adding on the marriage, things look a bit different sometimes...But I wish you the best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted July 12, 2006 Share Posted July 12, 2006 Hi, Well, Woggle. I hope you continue to feel that way for a long time! I think he might have felt different about a lot of stuff when we first got married and were engaged etc and same with me...Once those years start adding on the marriage, things look a bit different sometimes...But I wish you the best of luck! For a woman to have convinced me to try marriage again means she must be great. Another thing is that doesn't even play the stereotypical wife role. I usually cook or we eat out or take out(most of the time it is the latter) and we split the cleaning. She has her own career and makes very good money but she always makes me feel appreciated. It's like having a best friend with romantic and sexual things added in. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 Curm I always love what you have to say!!.. You are really true to yourself and others.. It's easy but it took me 50 years to get it right. I don't even want to think about what I was before then. I don't think even I would have liked me. Link to post Share on other sites
lonepearl Posted July 15, 2006 Share Posted July 15, 2006 Did you ever think that the problem is not with you but with him? ...but gandhi...is spelt...gandhi.. not ghandi sorry! Link to post Share on other sites
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