Is divorce in my future?

[SueBee3490]

He doesn't feel he is hurting anyone. It sounds like all he has done is set up a fake profile on adultfriendfinder that lists him in a different city. He has talked dirty to a gal (who could be a perverted guy pretending to be a gal for all we know) a few times on the internet, probably making up all sorts of crap just to see if he could land her.].

 

Really, from a guy's perspective it isn't that big of deal. If he was really looking to cheat on his wife all he has to do is go hang out at a dance club or bar.].

 

I really have some trouble with this advice cta. My current H did exactly this - he went online chatting it up with all kinds of women. Now I was always very horny for him and told him so, we had sex quite often and we're in our 40's - but that didn't stop him from hooking up with women on the internet and having sex with them. I've kept myself in fairly good shape - no, I can't wear a bikini anymore but I do have a nice shape (the women he met online were all at least 50-100 lbs heavier than me!)

 

My H is a shy laid-back kind of guy so he really is not the type to go to a bar and ask a woman out. He'd rather find her in the annonymity (sp?) of the computer.

 

A guy would think that he is not hurting his wife because he has not done anything except screw around on the computer. I seriously doubt he has any emotional attachment to bigboobs4U (or whatever her screen name is) on adult friend finder. Its probably pretty harmless unless it goes beyond fantasy and he actually starts meeting these gals and having sex.].

 

This is the trouble - he will like the thrill of the chase and then the ultimate thrill of getting the prize. Because if you can't follow through on meeting these women (which I'm sure most men who go on these dating sites are looking for) then why do it? The sites she listed that he was visiting are basically "sex" sites - all they promote is screwing around.

 

 

Its only going to be a big deal if you make it one. Just tell him you saw he was on adultfriendfinder and ask if he's just fooling around or if he is really unsatisfied in the marriage. Open up a line of communication. Don't sit here and theorize whether he is going to leave you or whether you should divorce. In his mind its probably not that big of deal. Tell him it bugs you when he visits these sites and that it would really dissappoint you if he actually signed up and made a profile.].

 

Just don't overreact and make this into more than it might be.

 

It is a big deal - the guy is married!

 

I do agree with they need to communicate more. So good luck to Melinda - I think I read where she states hubby wants a divorce. I agree with posters to not jump into anything just yet (an probably not tell the kids just yet) just give yourself a little time to think this all through. Again good luck Melinda and take care of yourself and your kids.

[Melinda42]

Thank u about the advice of contact a lawyer for at least a consultation. I think that may be a very good idea. We have a home that will need to be sold and things like that so I think seeking some legal advice will not be a bad idea.

I talked to him this afternoon and he asked if I still wanted him to come out and talk to the kids with me. I asked him if he was sure this was what he wanted and asked him if there was any chance counsling would help. He said he is sure he wants a divorce. That he has been thinking about it and he does not think it can be fixed. He does not want to be with me anymore. I told him that I didn't want to tell the kids unless he was with out a doubt sure this is what he wanted. He said that this is what he wanted but that he did not want to come out tonight and tell the kids yet. I asked them what I was supposed to tell them. He said he didn't know to have them call him and he would tell them he was working late or something. I said that was fine I was not going to lie to them. We hung up. I sat in the bathroom for a few minutes getting myself all upset then I relised. I wanted answers to the unanswered questions. I called him back and told him he was not being fair to me. That I deserved to know why he was unhappy. He said he didn't know the answers and he didn't know what I wanted him to say. I asked him if it was because I didn't want to go out all the time and wanted to stay home. He said that was some of it. I asked him what the rest of it was. He said he couldn't talk about it anymore and that he was still at work and would have to call me back.

I don't want to be the person begging for answers. Should I just except the little answers he has given me. I don't have a choice in the divorce. If he wants it there is nothing I can do but drag it out and make it harder on everyone.

As of now the adult mate site is nothing. I am not worried about that at all. I know that it did not have anything to do with the decisions he is making now.

I am in shock still. My sister asked me why I was not crying and all upset. I told her it all seemed like a bad dream that I would wake up from. I don't think I have excepted it yet but I don't know how to deal with the emotions I am having. Talking to my family is not an option for me as they have not been there for me in the past when I needed them and I don't want to depend on them now just to be disappointed again. Some people may not understand this but it is the way I feel.

I looked up the child support guidelines in my state and have come up with the number the state would give for child support. I haven't talked to him about this yet as we r still both living out of the same account since this all just happened yesterday.

I also tried looking up information on alimony. I don't know anyone who has ever gotten it or even if it is something I want I would just like to know my options. I am a stay at home mother who cannot afford daycare for 3 kids even with child support and a full time job. I called and for a week of care for 3 kids it is around 500 dollars. There is now way I can afford that. So I am just looking at my options to bring enough money into my home to support my children. If anyone has any experiance with alimony I would love some advice. It is also going on my list of things to talk to the lawyer about but I would like some first hand experiance too.

Well I guess until later.

[Lor]

Melinda, that's good to hear that you are checking out your options. Yeah, you're in shock right now. When the flood comes, its going to hit you like a tidal wave so be ready for it. "Try" to keep it from bothering your kids. Again, easier said than done.

 

You deserve answers but sometimes they aren't there. That is sometimes the hardest part, not knowing why. You may never find out.

 

Talk to a lawyer but at this point, if he wants the divorce, I'd say to let him start the process. If he wants it bad enough he will. Like you said, this just happened yesterday--you've got time.

 

Take care of yourself.

[Melinda42]

My soon to be ex husband and I have talked more. He is firm in the fact that he does not want to work on things. He said he has been trying to do that for the last year and he does not want me to change for him and he does not want to change for me. We have agreed to sell our home because I can not afford it on my own and buy a smaller one. We have agreed that he will pay me weekly child support after the house is sold straight from his pay check until the divorce is final. I have agreed on an amount with him that will give me and the kids the money we need to afford another place and still leave him with enough money to live on. I have set up a meeting with a lawyer to make sure I am making all the right legal decisions but we have agreed to put of a divorce until the house is sold and we have moved to avoid any legal matters with it. I told him I dont want to make things hard. I just want to get things done with as soon as possilbe. He said he just didn't want to rush me and make me feel like I was being forced to make decisions. I told him that he forced me to make these decisions of what is best for me and the kids the day he told me he wanted a divorce. But that I have excepted it and just want to try and move on and deal with it my way the best I can.

No matter what any one says I am not worried about him not coming thru on his promises. He is a man who keeps his word. I know he will not leave his kids without the things they need so money will not be a problem coming from him. I explained to him that even though he will be giving me child support I may still need extra money for the kids clothes for school and things like that. He said it would not be a problem just to let him know whatever they need he will find a way to get it for them.

I have decided not to pursue the thought of alimony. It is hard enough to except the money from him that i need for the kids as i feel he is leaving us with nothing even though I have so much.

I am going to talk to my family. Especially my mom who has been calling him and begging him to work things out with me that this is between him and I and they can support the decisions we make or stay out of it.

I told him that his dad and his dads wife called me and left messages saying if I need anything to let them know. I told him that he could call them and let them know I appriciate the thought but I just want to try and move on and deal with this whole thing my own way.

We have agreed to meet with a realtor. I told him I didn't want to do it by myself but I don't know if I can do it at all. I am going to set up the meeting but he may have to handle that by himself. I told him we needed to tell the kids this weekend because I cannot keep it from them. I know in my heart that he is sorry and he loves me but like he says is not in love with me anymore. Looking back I regret some of the decisions I made when we were together. But it is too late to go back now.

[Lor]

So sorry Melinda. At least you have a straight answer and can hopefully remain friends for the kids.

 

don't forget to work on your own self-esteem when you have time.

[Trimmer]

Wow, Melinda - I'm really sorry. It seems like you have gone through, in a few days, what took 6 months in my case, from the time it first really came out into open discussion to the final decision that we were going to divorce.

 

All things considered, you sound pretty rational (although I'm imagining you probably don't feel quite that way...) I'm not sure if it is less traumatic to get hit all at once, like jumping into ice cold water, or to drag it out like torture. I don't suppose either one is any easier overall. Like Lor said, and as you mentioned yourself, you're probably in a degree of shock - don't be surprised if feelings and emotions well up and get wierd out of nowhere, just ride them out and remember that things will be OK - you, as an individual, are going to come out OK, and will even find ways to grow stronger. I had one pretty bad night, in particular, where I just almost completely lost myself, but I was able to hang on to a tiny thread of confidence that things would get better, and they did, they have. Remember that things always look different in the morning.

 

It sounds like you are off to a good start, if there is such a thing. Do go have a consultation with an attorney, so he/she can advise you and make sure you are doing things right, and that you are getting what you need and deserve, and what is appropriate to care for your kids. I hope that your working relationship with your husband continues to be good. My divorce is in process, official separation is now almost 1 year, and we've been living apart for 6 months, and our working relationship is all about either being good parents to the kids, or getting our real estate issues finalized in a very businesslike, cooperative way. It can be done.

 

My secret to that is that I think of myself playing character roles; I used to be friend, lover, husband, co-parent, business partner.... I will continue to be a co-parent forever, and a business partner until we get things finalized, but the others are gone, and I make sure that I don't act (or react) to situations from the perspective of those characters. If she says something that is a "wife/husband" kind of thing, I just ask myself whether it has anything to do with the kids or our finances, and if not, I politely sidestep and don't react to it. I still mourn and grieve the loss, but I do that outside my interactions with her; in our relationship, those characters don't exist any more.

 

This is a lot to deal with - do you feel at least emotionally stable and safe, and able to deal with things on a day-to-day basis? I'm so sorry.

[Melinda42]

i guess I am as emotionally stable as I can be trying to deal with it all. Having 3 kids that don't know yet is a little hard. I can't exactly break down and cry whenever I feel the need. I have to be strong for them. In a way he is taking the easy way out. He has not seen our two older kids since Sunday night and has not seen the youngest one since Monday night. He has talked to them once on the phone and that is it. He is getting the time he needs to process his feeling when I am not. I am a little sour about that but I have to learn to deal with my feelings and emotions with the kids because it is just going to be us from now on. I am not going to have a co-parent to help me through tough times.

Some of my family does not understand why we r not seeking lawyers to take care of the divorce for us. I have contacted one and talked to them about my options as far as the house and the belongings and child support. They have told me roughly how much I should be getting from him to help support the kids and the amount is something that he can afford. As far as the house and belongings go they said it may be easier to get rid of the house before the divorce so it is one less thing to worry about. As far as the belongings go they said that if we did not want lawyers involved we would just have to split things up as we saw fit. He has said he wants nothing but there are some items I don't want either.

So to sum it up. I have accepted things and choose to move forward as quickly and painlessly as possible. At this point I want the whole thing over with so I can move on and work on healing myself. I am trying not to have hope that he will change his mind but it is hard. Everytime I look at our son I miss my husband they look so much alike. It does hurt but I am cooping. Its something u wish never will happen but in todays times most people have to deal with it. So much for growing old together.

Another hard part is I was looking forward to the future. In 10 years my oldest will be out of highschool and my youngest will be 12. I will only be 35. That was supposed to be the time with my husband but now.... I guess I better start making friends to share the time with.