need some advice

[puzzled]

I'm wondering what to do about a woman I am intensely attracted to. She is incredible in every way: smart, unbelievably sweet, and beautiful. I want to ask her out, but there are 2 obstacles.

 

1. We work together. I have once before dated within the work place, and it was awkward - but well worth it. That's the minor problem.

 

2. The big problem is that she is recently divorced with a young child (why any man would want to divorce her is a complete mystery to me). From my conversations with her, it is obvious she is still hurting from the divorce, still in the early stages of recovery. I'm worried that it might be too early to ask for a date, and if it is too early, then my asking now might destroy any later chances. Additionally, the child poses another problem. It may also not be the right time to introduce a new man into her young life while she is still coming to terms with the fact that her daddy doesn't live at home anymore.

 

This is a wonderful woman, and I'd love to be a part of her life, but I don't know what to do given the circumstances. If I wait too long, someone else will beat me to it for sure. How do I know if the time is right? What should I do?

[BeenThere]

Have the two of you tried doing a casual lunch together yet? Seems a safe and harmless place to start.

I'm wondering what to do about a woman I am intensely attracted to. She is incredible in every way: smart, unbelievably sweet, and beautiful. I want to ask her out, but there are 2 obstacles.

 

1. We work together. I have once before dated within the work place, and it was awkward - but well worth it. That's the minor problem. 2. The big problem is that she is recently divorced with a young child (why any man would want to divorce her is a complete mystery to me). From my conversations with her, it is obvious she is still hurting from the divorce, still in the early stages of recovery. I'm worried that it might be too early to ask for a date, and if it is too early, then my asking now might destroy any later chances. Additionally, the child poses another problem. It may also not be the right time to introduce a new man into her young life while she is still coming to terms with the fact that her daddy doesn't live at home anymore. This is a wonderful woman, and I'd love to be a part of her life, but I don't know what to do given the circumstances. If I wait too long, someone else will beat me to it for sure. How do I know if the time is right? What should I do?

[Tony T]

This is a real tough one. You don't want to become her very close friend now because if she starts crying on your shoulders about her divorce, pain, etc., she will never see you as a romantic possibility. Furthermore, if the two of you become close now as friends she will associate you with this dark time in her life.

 

The best approach is to tell her you are aware of her situation and very saddened by it. Tell her that when she feels up to it and would like to start getting out again sometime in the future, you would be happy to help her in that regard. That's sort of specific but vague at the same time.

 

The point you need to get across to her is that you are available to introduce her back into the world of social activities once she feels she's ready. That may be a few months or a few years. If you are around at the time, you will notice that she is ready and if you're smart you will step right up to the plate. But as I expound upon below, just because you're at the plate you aren't guaranteed a place at bat.

 

You say she is a wonderful woman and you'd like her to be a part of your life. Just how do you know that? Take my word, you hardly ever know that for sure until you've been married to a person 30 years or so. Any statement like that prior is way too premature.

 

I strongly advise you NOT to wait around for this woman. No matter what you tell her, you may not be her type. Further, she may already have somebody in mind. More than 80 percent of women who get divorced do so having another person's life to step into. Or she could meet someone she's interested in during an hour or two of vulnerability.

 

You can't force yourself into her life now and you can't control her whims and desires so take the attitude that if you get a chance to know her better, that's great. But you will go on with your life and be open to others as well in the meantime. Ms. Right could pass you by while you're waiting for this lady to get over her divorce.

[puzzled]

Yes, we have. And it was very enjoyable, we talked very easily and that's why I have this idea that I just might have a chance here.

Have the two of you tried doing a casual lunch together yet? Seems a safe and harmless place to start.

[puzzled]

Thank you. Basically the advice you give is good advice to follow with any woman, you can't force yourself into anyone's life, nor should you wait around for someone who is not ready for you for any reason.

 

Perhaps instead of saying she is a wonderful woman, I should just say this - she displays all of the personality traits I find desirable in a woman I want to date.

 

And of course I never assume that just because I find a woman attractive and am interested in her that the feeling is going to be mutual, nothing in life is a sure thing. She might very well not want to go out with me even if she is ready for a relationship. That's always a possibility any time a man asks a woman out.

 

Good advice, I appreciate it.