Single forever by choice-Why?

[luvtoto]

I wanted to find out peoples different opinions and reasons why they don't want to EVER marry or get involved in a monogamous relationship.

Well, my X told me one night that he won't marry again, because he hates the idea of his kid's having a step-mom.

 

While he was young and while his dad was single, they would go racing every weekend. My X told me that he had his dad all to himself during that time of his life.

 

Then, his dad met someone, and then they got married.

 

After that, his dad abandoned him emotionally, and had a new family with his new wife.

 

It's strange when I think about it, cause all was fine in our relationship.

We were very happy. Chemistry up the waz-oo! He even proposed to me on his knees.

 

His teenage kids caught wind of it, and one little, "Why don't you go raise your new family now" remark from his daughter and that was it.

 

My kids and I were long gone. Ka-put!

 

I wonder after his kids are grown, if he'll settle down. It'll be interesting to see. The truth will have to unfold over years.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Both actually. I have met (few) both types of people and I'm just not satisfied with their reasons.

 

And you know what? … you don't have to feel satisfied with anyone's reasons other than your own. If marriage gives you that sense of security and commitment you feel you need, then you're absolutely entitled to find that for yourself without surrendering your values or settling for less.

 

I can't see how someone can put conditions and control on their lives not knowing what the future entails.

 

No one can accurately read the future and know what will happen.

 

Which is exactly why (for me) marriage offers a false sense of security… commitment based on obligation rather than a mutual willingness to remain together because that's where our hearts tell us we want to be.

 

With any relationship, there are always conditions and personal boundaries. But there is never any guarantee in life that those boundaries and conditions will be always be acknowledged by our partners … or that promises won't eventually be broken. However, the rewards (for me) seem so much sweeter and the loyalty far more genuine when you and your partner have given each other the freedom to make that choice … without sacrifice or consequence … and you "choose" to be together, anyway.

 

And this may sound totally off the wall … but it sure goes a long way in preventing either one of you from becoming so complacent that you start taking each other for granted… fooling yourselves into believing that somehow the obligatory promises that comes with "marriage" is all that's required to hold you together.

 

"Obligatory" … I actually had to look that word up to make sure I was using it properly!

[basscatcher]

I have an xbf whos son made a comment about his daddy wanting to be with me over him.

 

It broke my heart because it was the furthest from the truth.

It broke his dads heart also.

Children don't understand things if the parents aren't talking to them and reassuring them.

 

Divorced parents can have their relationships with a new love as well as still with their children. Its a fine balance but it can be done..

 

I can't understand why some parents totally abandon their life and needs and punish themselves from some happiness and a life outside of their children..

 

There is so much unbalance because of the choices people make based on guilt.

[luvtoto]

I can't understand why some parents totally abandon their life and needs and punish themselves from some happiness and a life outside of their children..

 

There is so much unbalance because of the choices people make based on guilt.

Exactly, Pada. I've seen it happen. You would think that children would want their father to be happy and not alone. Does this mean his kids are jealous & selfish people?

 

It's such a complicated situation.

[crazy_grl]

I haven't quite decided that I want to be single forever, but I'm considering it. I've never seen any reason to have children, and even when people explain their reasons to me, I just don't get it. Now, I'm starting to question what real reason there is to get married or even have a LTR... other than the fact that it's what society expects from us.

 

For the last 6 months, I've been out on only 1 date. I feel great being single. I'm so much happier by myself. It's when I'm worried about relationships that I feel like complete sh*t and my brain short circuits. I can get so much more accomplished when I'm not worried about all that relationship drama. There are so many other more worthwhile things to focus on.

 

If a guy comes along and can make me fall in love with him without causing me all that confusion, fear, and drama, then maybe I'll give it a try, but I'm no longer going to make having a relationship a goal in my life.

[basscatcher]

Exactly, Pada. I've seen it happen. You would think that children would want their father to be happy and not alone. Does this mean his kids are jealous & selfish people?

 

It's such a complicated situation.

 

NO his children are great kids..

I got along well with them...

He moved to be with me. 5 hours away from his home and kids.

We planned to go back 1-2xs a month to viist but he moved in the Fall and Winter came upon us so travel was very difficult.

I had him call his kids (at least try) once a week.

We visited his children 2 times in 5 months. It was very difficult.

Needless to say he moved back 5 months later after his son made the statement.

 

(There were other issues as to why he moved back.)

[scrybe74]

Enigma said it best for me. I echo her feelings on the matter. I was married once in my early 20's. It ended in divorce. I have a wonderful son from the relationship. I've since met someone else and we've been together for over 2 years and have a child together as well.

 

I just don't feel marriage is for me. Not everyone has a problem with a life long commitment to one person but I feel that in my case I'm open to the fact that some relationships have an expiration date. With my current relationship I have no idea when it will end...tomorrow....never? I made it clear to her that I look at our future together as open ended....that someday we may part ways. She says she understands and I hope that she accepts it in her heart.

 

The bottom line with me is that I felt that I've lived my life for so many people my entire life. I want to live my life for myself. There are too many compromises on things that I don't want to compromise on. My current gf is the best woman i've ever met and I love her dearly but even she requires great compromises on my part that when I think long and deep about it....i'm just not willing to give up on.

 

I'm speaking from experience because I've tried to compromise and it ends in resentment on my part. Being honest with myself...I think I'd be much happier alone than with someone. So much so that we have actually been talking about breaking up for the past few months. Her needs in a relationship are more than I have to offer right now.

 

I think that if I could just be me....and a woman out there liked all that I was about...and accepted it then I would consider marriage again. But I think it is highly unlikely in my case.

 

I think if/when this relationship ends I will life my life alone (just my son and I). In fact....I'm smiling just thinking about it....

 

:-)

 

I'm 32 BTW.

[luvtoto]

NO his children are great kids..

I got along well with them...

He moved to be with me. 5 hours away from his home and kids.

We planned to go back 1-2xs a month to viist but he moved in the Fall and Winter came upon us so travel was very difficult.

I had him call his kids (at least try) once a week.

We visited his children 2 times in 5 months. It was very difficult.

Needless to say he moved back 5 months later after his son made the statement.

 

(There were other issues as to why he moved back.)

In my situation, I am a tiny bit resentful towards his kids. I mean, dang. Come on. There is enough of him to share. Other times, I understand. Ugh.

 

It's a shame that a happy medium couldn't have been reached. There is no reasoning with kids sometimes and the guilt, I suppose, is overwhelming.

 

I've always had custody of my children. I've never had to choose. I would have no idea how that would feel.

[sno]

I would like to be married one day. But my friend he thinks marriage is nothing more than a business agreement that could go wrong one day. I don't agree with this but everyone has their own opinions. Also he says he don't think 90% of the people out here are as faithful as they say they are. He don't see one person being faithful to another for seventy years with out a couple of things left out of that statement. I don't believe this because I have been faithful to my bf and know I could be for the rest of my life if that is what I choose to do. You can't convence everyone of this. I think he has his own commitment issues and is afraid he may lose all his money and what he has worked hard and went to school for, etc if his "wife" finds him cheating. Also I feel he probably hasn't found that one special woman yet.

[sno]

It is kinda sad when you think about it....but its their life. Maybe they are happy this way?

[Woggle]

If it were up to me I would never marry my fiance but love will make you do crazy things and she agreed to sign a 20 page prenup. I never thought she would actually sign it so that says something about her sincerity. Marriage is meaningless these days so what's the point

[luvtoto]

It is kinda sad when you think about it....but its their life. Maybe they are happy this way?

Sno, I was going to say the same thing. I can see choosing your kids over a relationship, but choosing money and financial stability over it? Hmmm...

 

Have you seen the movie Click with Adam Sandler? That movie shows what having screwed up priorities can do to a person. I know it's fiction, but it still gets the point across.

[EnigmaXOXO]

If it were up to me I would never marry my fiance but love will make you do crazy things and she agreed to sign a 20 page prenup. I never thought she would actually sign it so that says something about her sincerity.

 

Are you serious? … Twenty pages! :laugh:

 

Too funny. But I think that elaborates on a very good point regarding comfortable "compromise."

 

I wonder how many people, if they could convince their partners to walk down the isle to satisfy their emotional security issues … would also be willing to meet their partner in the middle and agree to a prenup to dispel their partner's financial "security issues" as well ???

 

I imagine for some folks, that might detract from the whole purpose of getting married in the first place. The prenup would then be the new thorn in their side keeping them from feeling their partner was fully "committed."

 

And round, and round we go!

[sno]

I am glad you agree with me. I have tried to talk to him about this situation but it doesn't do any good. I just realized its him not me. I hope one day he will find someone who proves him wrong.

[blind_otter]

I don't see why not wanting to be married precludes having a committed relationship. I don't want to go through it again. No stupid ceremony, no huge dress, no arduous invitations, blah blah blah. I know a couple getting married soon that want some kind of hippie gathering or something and I still wouldn't do it.

 

It's just a preference. I'm honoring the idea of marriage. I grew up believing that you only got married once. I did that. It didn't work. I won't marry again.

 

I could live with a partner for the rest of my life. Hell, if they really wanted it bad, I would let them have a party to celebrate our union, but I'm not going through that government bullcrapola just to get a piece of paper that gives the illusion of security.

 

I mean come on. I've known a few "been married three times, going on number four" people and I thought that they were kind of sad. I mean, what is the point if you've already proven that those marriage vows really aren't sacred. What's the point when conservative estimates reckon 50% of married people cheat on their spouses, and even more than 50% of marriages end in divorce?

 

What exactly does the institution represent? Collective delusional disorder. The fantasy that if you jump through enough hoops that other person will commit to you forever, when IME that committment occurs in yourselves, and only in yourselves, and no amount of hoop jumping will extend or stretch that internal ability to commit.

[amaysngrace]

and even more than 50% of marriages end in divorce?

 

 

I think that percentage is even higher in Second Marriages.

 

I don't see marriage as a source of my happiness. I'm not saying I will never be married again, the possibility does exist, but for right now I have a happy existence without it.

 

Never before have I ever celebrated Independence Day as I did this year. It had so much meaning to me. I guess like what Lady Liberty signifies. I feel like I have arrived into my own and am able to, for the first time EVER, stand on my own two feet. It is an incredibly amazing, empowering feeling that I feel right down to the core of my being.

 

Forgive me if I don't get that same fuzzy feeling when I think of being married again.

[luvtoto]

I think if/when this relationship ends I will life my life alone (just my son and I). In fact....I'm smiling just thinking about it....

Someday, and it's inevitable, your son will move on with his own life and you won't have him around as much.

 

Are you worried about being alone then? Does that concern you at all?

 

I, myself, am not married. It's not so bad because I have my kids around. But, I know the day will come when they will fly the coop. I would like to have a partner around to share my life with and keep me company.

[alphamale]

His teenage kids caught wind of it, and one little, "Why don't you go raise your new family now" remark from his daughter and that was it.

I'm sure you already know that blood is thicker than water...

 

Does this mean his kids are jealous & selfish people?

No, they are totally normal.

[luvtoto]

I'm sure you already know that blood is thicker than water...

Oh, I know that all too well. Trrrrussst me.

[Woggle]

Are you serious? … Twenty pages! :laugh: :

 

Damn right. She actually proposed to me and After a few weeks I wanted out so I wrote a 20 page prenup with eah issue getting a full page thinking she would never sign it and to me suprised she signed it without a fight. That changed everything. A woman that is willing to put in writing that she won't take you for everything you are worth is a rare gem.

[Outcast]

why wont they commit to marrying if they don't intend to continue looking for someone more compatable?

 

Because, as you have seen, many people are either soured on the idea of marriage or feel for some reason that it constitutes some sort of 'trap'. It isn't of course, but life is about perception so of course if you think marriage is a 'trap' then you will feel trapped by it. Doesn't mean they plan to keep looking around at all, however.

 

f this has been proven scientifically, medically and psychologically I can't believe that those persons who claim to be bonefide singles forever can really live healthy, balanced, content, happy lives.

 

That study was about the development of children. Adults do need touch, but it's not fatal and dangerous for adults to not have it the way it is for children. Besides, there have been plenty of studies showing that eating too much fat is deadly and you don't see people that worried about their fat intake. Or smoking. Or any hazards to health.

 

Essentially, people do things because they have glommed onto a perception that colours their actions. For instance, Alf is utterly convinced of this:

 

the majority of people who have been married for any length of time are not that happy. They just exist and many of them are trapped and cannot get out. There are married couples that are extremely unhappy but they are good at putting on a happy public face.

 

There may be no facts or science to prove it, however the one thing I have learned most from LS is that people believe what they choose to believe whether or not there's anything other than their own impressions to back it up. And in fact a recent study showed just that LOL.

 

The other factor is that it's a common tendency to extrapolate from the past to the future. So if you married a jerk, your brain I guess patterns itself to equate 'married' with 'jerks'. If you felt trapped because you married the wrong person, then your brain equates 'married' with 'trap'. I suppose it's a defense mechanism or something.

 

Me, I was lucky. My marriage wasn't horrible. I remember it fondly. I wouldn't marry him again even if he turned back straight because there were a couple missing elements that I'd want in a relationship but I know that marriage can be pleasant and it can be pleasant when I'm in it. I've also seen a goodly number of good marriages and happy couples (long-term ones) so I am positive it's not impossible.

 

I have been in two less fortunate relationships but that was because I chose badly and hastily in both cases.

 

I don't *have* to marry again if I run into one of those 'marriage is a trap' types but I understand that not being married can present quite a few legal headaches, particularly where illness and hospitals are concerned, so that might be where refusing to marry forever might not be the best of plans.

 

Not really. I want more and can't get more. I feel vacant and voided most of the time. When I'm in the moment I tend to just inhale as much as I can and I become more sensitive to touch when it happens my senses are on high alert.. I'm really feeling quite deprived. Its so far and few in between touches that my skins crawls sometimes.

 

I've not known too many adults to crave touch as much as you do. I think you maybe need to see a counsellor to discuss this because you may have trouble finding someone who can fulfil this particular need of yours to the degree that you have it. If I were you, I'd either try Internet dating and specify that you need to be touched LOTS or else be sure you tell whomever you're dating right up front that if he's not super affectionate to take a walk.

 

If I recall from your earlier posts, you read touch as proof of love. The Five Love Languages will tell you that it's not that way for everyone so you need to find someone with the same 'love language' or you'll forever feel shortchanged.

 

You'll also need to find someone who believes, as you do, that not marrying means you're still looking. Again, that's not true necessarily but since it's what you believe, you need to be with someone who believes the way you do.

[alphamale]

Since my divorce in '96 I've had the chance to get married three times. I pursued none of the three women for marriage mainly becuase I thought they would not be good long-term partners for me.

 

If and when I find a woman who I think would be good for me long-term then I will be first in line to give her a ring. But, then again, there is no guarantee she'd accept.

[basscatcher]

See, I believe the majority of people want to have someone in their life to help make it a little easier. To have someone to lean on, to play with, to learn from, to care for and be cared for.

 

It's hard for us to believe there could be that 'right' someone..

There are so many bumps, bruises, and rotten apples in the world that it really messes us up and throws us in a spin of denial, regret and we lose hope.

 

I am a hopeless romantic in the sense of love. I believe in it even though it hurts and its hard.

[scrybe74]

Someday, and it's inevitable, your son will move on with his own life and you won't have him around as much.

 

Are you worried about being alone then? Does that concern you at all?

 

I, myself, am not married. It's not so bad because I have my kids around. But, I know the day will come when they will fly the coop. I would like to have a partner around to share my life with and keep me company.

 

Well...you bring up a good point. Before I met my current GF I lived alone with my son (between the ages 2-4). Looking back that close relationship we had kept me going. But looking back I realize that I can't do that to my son. I can't depend on him to keep me afloat emotionally. You're right...he'll have his own life someday.

 

I grown a lot in the last few years and I feel like, unlike many people, I am a solitary person. I like to have friends to talk to and visit but I am perfectly happy coming home to an empty house. Maybe I'll get a dog or a cat someday?

 

But I don't think I'll ever truly be alone. I'm sure that I'll date women from time to time and may even have a relationship again(shudder)....but I don't think I ever want to share my space with someone again.

 

I think I'll just fill my life with love of friends, work and the joys of life. I have two children who will grow up and have children of their own. I plan on being involved in both of their lives and to be accessible to them whenever they need me. I just don't see an overall downside. I'm sure I'd have moments of loneliness but then again I've had those moments in my relationships as well.

[bluetuesday]

I am curious to know why you have chosen to remain single for the rest of your life?

 

okay, let me have a bash at this. i feel in many ways i have outgrown the need for a relationship, in much the same way as i outgrew the need for braces on my teeth or dotting my 'i's with flowers.

 

in my 20s, of course i dated like everyone else and some of the relationships i had were good and some were not so good. but all ended because i was never really settled in them. i always felt my life was about other things, it was about spiritual growth, it was not about being in a relationship.

 

who says being part of a couple is the only way to be normal? i am a whole person. i genuinely feel no need for a relationship right now. that may change, but if it doesn't that's fine. i am quite happy alone. and i am as committed to this way of life as if i had made a vow to honour it.

 

that doesn't mean i am lonely, i have friends, i go out, i don't sit home alone unless i want to, but i feel that NEEDING to tie yourself to someone else for happiness, security, companionship, love, whatever, is something i have completely grown past.

 

i need nothing i don't have to be happy. i'm not saying my way is right for everyone, but it is right for me. it would be grossly unfair to go into a relationship with someone who wanted one, knowing what i know about myself. my life is much fuller, i believe, than a life devoted to forming and sustaining a relationship or a marriage. if it was not fuller, i would abandon what i'm doing now and join the ranks of daters once more.

 

Are you choosing to never get married based on your self image of being unable to commit to just one person?

 

i could, i believe, sustain a marriage. i am a fan of marriage, i think marriage and commitment to each other is one of the keys to a successful society and happy kids. but it's not right for me. i wouldn't be able to be the person i am, and be married. it would be unfair to us both.

 

Is it because you have been hurt so deeply you choose not to ever trust another person again?

 

not at all! i am very trusting and forgiving. i don't carry past hurts forward with me. i forgive and forget and move on. it's simply that my life is about other things. i am a spiritually-driven person. that is what i'm committed to. and it's a journey that has to be taken willingly, alone.

 

Are you sure there isn't someone out there who could change your mind? I've known devoted singles to all of a sudden change their singleness because someone wonderful for them entered their lives and they still live happinly married.

 

i am not single because i don't meet wonderful men. i do, sometimes. but i am at a stage in my life when i would have to forego further growth as a person in order to commit to a relationship and i don't want to do it. i am too thrilled with my life to do it. as long as that continues, i will stay blissfully single.

 

and i'm 34, if that matters.