Single forever by choice-Why?

[Outcast]

I think anyone who's learned the secret to finding true peace, happiness and contentment within themselves (by giving purpose & meaning to their lives) is RARE among human beings.

 

True enough

 

And IMO married people really haven't cornered the market on learning how to be less self-involved. Otherwise that 50% infidelity more than 50% divorce rate wouldn't exist

 

Um. Nobody on this thread that I noticed has tried to make a case that all married people are saints or that being married is what is the opposite of being single.

[blind_otter]

Um. Nobody on this thread that I noticed has tried to make a case that all married people are saints or that being married is what is the opposite of being single.

 

Um. I was referring to this comment:

 

Originally Posted by Outcast View Post

It has been my observation that people who live alone too long get kind of selfish and self-involved and less tolerant of others; I think it's not all that healthy for people to do.

[Ross_K]

I'll be single forever, unfortunately I don't have a choice in it.

[amaysngrace]

And IMO married people really haven't cornered the market on learning how to be less self-involved. Otherwise that 50% infidelity more than 50% divorce rate wouldn't exist.

 

 

 

Yep. And out of the percentage of those who stay married, how many actually remain in unhappy marriages, making their spouses miserable, simply because 'it's cheaper to keep her' ?

 

The world may never know.

[Chinook]

I will choose to be single for the remaining time I have left.

 

The reason..? Fear. Unfortunately my circumstances are pretty unique, so I can only say what my opinion is because of this - not because of other factors.

 

I will choose to be alone because the alternative for me is too risky. Human beings since the dawn of time have been driven by a primordial instinct which pushes them to do lots of different things as a result of fear. Alot of these things are resolvable, some aren't. For me, over the recent weeks and months, I have managed to resolve all my fears to the point that I understand them and I know what I can and cannot deal with. To go blindly into a relationship ignoring these facts would simply open me up to pain as well as potentially hurting someone else in the process.

 

Let me explain... my one of my fears is of dying alone, in pain and indignity. This is not a passing fear for me, it's a very real possibility in my not-too-distant future. I had an aggressive cancer which may return. That is a very real fear. However, I can't do anything about it. If it is going to happen, it will happen. I have accepted that if it is going to occur, then I will deal with it when it comes. Thereby resolving my fear to a degree. I can cope with this... for me.

 

However, one of my other BIGGER fears is getting involved with someone and growing into a state in the relationship where there is mutual love and respect. Growing to that place - would alleviate the fear above. But it would increase a BIGGER fear I have.... having to watch the pain and torture of a loved one who is watching and waiting for me to die. Getting involved with someone, knowing that someday they will lose me.

 

So, it's a trade off. Do I go with my own resovable fear...? Or do I go for the here-and-now enjoyment and die in pain because someone I love is in pain and I can do nothing about it...? I can't do it. I can't watch someone I love grieve before my eyes and watch me die.

 

The kicker is, it may never happen. The cancer may never reoccur. The problem is stats are pretty crappy but they don't tell the whole story, sometimes miracles happen and the cancer may never reoccur... but, how can I take the risk..? I can't.

 

So, being single, growing comfortable with me and who I am and at peace... with my environment, my world, my thoughts and feelings and not having to invest myself and be torn apart at the end, is the better option for me. Yes, it's selfish and yes, it is sad... but it's still a valid choice.

[basscatcher]

So, being single, growing comfortable with me and who I am and at peace... with my environment, my world, my thoughts and feelings and not having to invest myself and be torn apart at the end, is the better option for me. Yes, it's selfish and yes, it is sad... but it's still a valid choice.

 

I can understand your explaination.

 

Isn't it wrong for you to make a decision for another person though?

What if you met someone and they accepted your situation, loved you unconditionally, wanted to be by your side through your struggles and wanted to love you and hold you close up to the end if it should happen?

 

There are selfless people who love unconditionally.

How can you make that decision for them that they can't be next to you?

 

Is that the selfish part of you you spoke of..

 

I personally can't stand it when someone makes a decision for me to sacrafice me having to suffer. Being dumped, ditched, pushed away is just as painful and I still suffer as if I was to be by that person, whom I love, side during there last days, hours and minutes.

[Chinook]

Isn't it wrong for you to make a decision for another person though? What if you met someone and they accepted your situation, loved you unconditionally, wanted to be by your side through your struggles and wanted to love you and hold you close up to the end if it should happen?

 

There are selfless people who love unconditionally.

How can you make that decision for them that they can't be next to you?

 

Is that the selfish part of you you spoke of..

 

I personally can't stand it when someone makes a decision for me to sacrafice me having to suffer. Being dumped, ditched, pushed away is just as painful and I still suffer as if I was to be by that person, whom I love, side during there last days, hours and minutes.

 

I agree that there are selfless people who love unconditionally but yes, this is the selfish part I was talking about. This for me isn't about the other person and them being there, it's about my having to watch their pain and leave it behind, not being able to do anything about it. I know I wouldn't cope with it. I've already been there during the diagnosis process and I know I wouldn't be able to see that person hurting. It isn't wrong, it's knowing your own capabilities and your own commitments. To me it would be wrong to get into a relationship when I already know this about myself.

[blind_otter]

And what's so bad about self awareness, and knowing your own limits?

[Chinook]

And what's so bad about self awareness, and knowing your own limits?

 

Nuffink I don't think

[Ross_K]

What happened to some of the posts on this page? I've noticed mine, padameklas, and amazingraces have disappeared.

[basscatcher]

What happened to some of the posts on this page? I've noticed mine, padameklas, and amazingraces have disappeared.

 

The MODS dint think its appropriate context apparently.

I have noticed this in some of the other threads I have posted in.

[alphamale]

And what's so bad about self awareness, and knowing your own limits?

it would hold some people back

[Outcast]

It has been my observation that people who live alone too long get kind of selfish and self-involved and less tolerant of others; I think it's not all that healthy for people to do.

 

I didn't say ALL. I'm just saying it's a hazard. So chill. And it still doesn't mean I'm saying actual marriage is the only possibility. Yeesh. Is this 'split hairs' week?

 

Chinook, remember the 'better to have loved and lost' saying? I know a woman who lost her husband 'way too soon but she would never ever have traded her experience with him for anything.

[jonesgirly]

I dunno........I've always felt that I didn't need to have a legal, binding agreement with someone in order to stay loyal and faithful in a relationship.

 

My husband, on the other hand, apparently worried that he wouldn't get a call or be allowed in the emergency room, if I were to be in some sort of an 'accident.'

 

And then there's the 'kid' thing...you have babies, its usually the right thing to do, I guess. Its more legal than moral for me.

 

I've always thought that the only real difference in married vs. monogamous (not married) relationship, is the need for a lawyer to straighten it out at the end.

 

No, I'm not cynical.

[HokeyReligions]

People can be lonly in a crowd. If/when I find myself single again I will never marry again - and most probably will not date. I don't need another person in my life to give me validation. I got married for the wrong reasons, but I'd like to think I stayed married for the right ones. I've been a bit envious at times of people who do remain single. The few that I know have never regretted it and don't think of it as not having found the right person- they are happy with their choice.

 

There are books and plays and animals that I can give my attention to - and the Internet for conversation if I should ever become house-bound. There are people I work with to talk to, and many people find companionship in churches or social or civic activities. Having a committed partner does not guarantee they won't be lonley. Love means something different to everyone and there are different levels. It remind me of another topic where some people think it is sad and unfulfilling for those who don't want to have kids and will say or think "you'll feel differently when you have your own." I don't buy that. I think there are lots of people who don't need to have a long-term relationship or marriage - and there are those who do.

[Rob In NC]

I think it's easier for a man to stay single than a woman. Single men do get lonely, but I think they can tough it out. Women can't stand not having someone there. If a woman goes a few months without a man, her head starts messing with her.

 

I don't ever want to get married because I know it will eventually turn to crap, whether it is my fault or hers. I look back at every stressful point that occurred in my life and 95% is traced back to a relationship. Although I am an attractive guy, I am someone who likes being alone, but occasionally have company. I don't want someone there all of the time and only have time to myself occasionally. I like sleeping in my bed alone. I do like sex in bed, but I like sleeping by myself. Every girl I sleep in bed with takes up all of my bed space. It gets too hot. I like sleeping at a cool temperature. I also have to have a fan running when I sleep. I guess you can trace my reasoning on this subject back to my break-up in 1994. I'm not going to lie. I'm still scarred by that. Although it was 12 years ago, the memories are still very vivid. I haven't been in a serious relationship since.

 

It seems to me that men in marriage work themselves to death just to make their woman happy. He always has to meet her every demand. If he doesn't, she'll cut him off and make his life hell. Even if he does her every bidding, she'll still find something to harp on.

 

I do love and respect women. They are beautiful creatures. I just can't be around them all of the time:laugh: Some may say that being single isn't healthy, but I beg to differ. My married friends have aged rapidly since tying the knot. I haven't aged that much at all. But who knows, maybe there is a girl out there that is a perfect fit for me that will change my attitude about things.

[Woggle]

Actually men these days seem to be doing much worse being single than women which I don't get. Men these days fall apart after a divorce. I was very happy being single and if something happens with my fiance I would still be happy. My happiness does not depend on whether I have a woman in my life or not and more men need to develop this mental;ity because nothing with any woman is guarenteed. They can turn on you at any minute and walk out of your life. Women also tend to be better in relationships if they know you would rather be single than deal with their crap.

[alphamale]

I think it's easier for a man to stay single than a woman. Single men do get lonely, but I think they can tough it out. Women can't stand not having someone there.

Agreed RINC..

 

If a woman goes a few months without a man, her head starts messing with her.

there are only so many shoes a woman can buy and so many bon bons she can eat....

 

I don't ever want to get married because I know it will eventually turn to crap,

I don't every want to marry AGAIN due to same reason...

 

I do love and respect women. They are beautiful creatures. I just can't be around them all of the time:laugh:

Yes RINC, I feel the same.....females are like a fine Blue Cheese, both must be taken in measured doses and savoured

[Asafan]

I think it's easier for a man to stay single than a woman. Single men do get lonely, but I think they can tough it out. Women can't stand not having someone there. If a woman goes a few months without a man, her head starts messing with her.

 

I don't ever want to get married because I know it will eventually turn to crap, whether it is my fault or hers. I look back at every stressful point that occurred in my life and 95% is traced back to a relationship. Although I am an attractive guy, I am someone who likes being alone, but occasionally have company. I don't want someone there all of the time and only have time to myself occasionally. I like sleeping in my bed alone. I do like sex in bed, but I like sleeping by myself. Every girl I sleep in bed with takes up all of my bed space. It gets too hot. I like sleeping at a cool temperature. I also have to have a fan running when I sleep. I guess you can trace my reasoning on this subject back to my break-up in 1994. I'm not going to lie. I'm still scarred by that. Although it was 12 years ago, the memories are still very vivid. I haven't been in a serious relationship since.

 

It seems to me that men in marriage work themselves to death just to make their woman happy. He always has to meet her every demand. If he doesn't, she'll cut him off and make his life hell. Even if he does her every bidding, she'll still find something to harp on.

 

I do love and respect women. They are beautiful creatures. I just can't be around them all of the time:laugh: Some may say that being single isn't healthy, but I beg to differ. My married friends have aged rapidly since tying the knot. I haven't aged that much at all. But who knows, maybe there is a girl out there that is a perfect fit for me that will change my attitude about things.

 

Wonderful post Rob, hit the nail on the head.

[Outcast]

Women can't stand not having someone there. If a woman goes a few months without a man, her head starts messing with her.

 

Again with the men speaking for women.

 

Single men die faster than anyone

 

What's sad is to see that people have one bad experience and turn into scared rabbits, hiding in their little holes, 'till the end of their days. A short course of rational-emotive therapy would do folks like you a world of good. You're missing out on an awful lot - and since you're given only one life, that's a darn shame.

[Rob In NC]

Again with the men speaking for women.

 

Single men die faster than anyone

 

What's sad is to see that people have one bad experience and turn into scared rabbits, hiding in their little holes, 'till the end of their days. A short course of rational-emotive therapy would do folks like you a world of good. You're missing out on an awful lot - and since you're given only one life, that's a darn shame.

 

Seriously, what are single people missing by not tying the knot? I don't want kids. I have no desire to have kids. I love babies, but that only last a couple of years. Then they become gawky. Then they become teenagers and cause you grief.

 

I don't feel like working myself to death just to avoid hearing my wife nag. Even if I cut the grass, she still won't shut up. I don't want to lose everything due to a 50% chance of divorce. I do admit that I get bored easy. So chances are I'll get bored with my wife. That can also be said about the wife. Really, what am I missing? Is it the sex? My married friends say they hardly ever get laid now.

[dawn duval]

I'm in my early 30s and I don't understand why people get married. I'm perfectly happy focusing on my career. That's my great love in life. I've been married before and it's definitely not for me. I love being able to come home with no one bothering me and not have to answer to someone for trivial details, like why did I take so long at the store.

 

That, and the thought of marriage makes me nauseous.

[Gunny376]

To me marriage is a lie. Marriage seldom benefits men. Its women that want and need mongomy ~ not men.

 

Its a safe bet Bill Gates old lady is giving him grief about something!

 

Hell, even Warren Buffet's old lady dumped him ~ and he's a billionaire! I mean WTF?

 

I personally know, and friends with a couple of guys that are millionaires, (you wouldn't know it to look at them) and they're wives are constantly giving them grief about this or that!

 

I work for probally one of the richest men in the state, and he's one miserable SOB! Why? Because of his wife and children.

 

Women? You can't please them, you can't satisfy them, you can't make them happy, and if you do, you don't know how you did it, and you don't know how to repeat the process? Women are their own worse enemy.

 

By their own nature ~ they're always looking for something better. They're never happy with what they've got.

 

I've personally have better things to do ~ or can find them ~ than to spend my life trying to meet the wants and needs of one woman ~ whose wants and needs can never be satisfied.

 

Sex? ROTFLMAO! The best birth control ever conceived was a freaking wedding cake. I actually had a friend of mine, who got married, and who was changing clothes from the wedding, and went to kiss and hug his wife in her lingere, and she pushed him away and told him, "THERE WON'T BE ANY OF THAT! WE'RE MARRIED NOW!" and later when they went to consumate the marriage, during the act of making love, ask him if he almosts done~!!!!!!

 

My XW was all about oral sex ~ before we got married! Afterwords, and 12 years of marriage ~ she told me that she rather I got me a hooker!

 

I remember sitting at a red light, and the guy in the car next to me with his old lady steadly giving him grief, turning toward me and "mouthing" the words, "JUST FREAKING KILL ME! PLEASE! KILL ME!" I will NEVER forget the look of anguish on his face!

[amaysngrace]

I personally know, and friends with a couple of guys that are millionaires, (you wouldn't know it to look at them) and they're wives are constantly giving them grief about this or that!

 

Proof, once again, that money does NOT buy happiness.

 

I think it's the mindset, Gunny. I think some women aren't made for marriage, just as men are not. I think it's a big generalization to think of a gender as a whole when in reality, everybody is different and everyone has different perspectives on life.

 

In fact, if you read this thread in its entirety, you may be surprised at how some women are butting heads with other women on the pros and cons of marriage.

 

The best we, as people, can do is to recognize who we are, why we're here, and live our lives accordingly.

 

Only then will any of us experience true happiness and harmony

[josie54]

Marriage seldom benefits men. Its women that want and need mongomy ~ not men.

 

Although I see the logic of both sides of this debate, I think marriage DOES benefit men more than women in some ways. Married men (that is, men in relatively good relationships) live longer and have fewer illnesses than single men or men in bad marriages. (Sometimes our nagging them to go to the doctor works in their favor!)

 

Married women, on the other hand, often live longer than their husbands and have fewer financial resources to fall back on than single women, because they often stop working to take care of children and so have not been paying as much into retirement funds or Social Security as single women. Unless their husbands have been diligent about saving for their welfare, widows are often in dire financial straits once the income is gone.

 

Can't remember where I read that, but there was some research done on this and I hear the results now and then.

 

Of course, this all depends on men and women in GOOD, supportive relationships. Bad, vindictive, or contempt-filled relationships benefit no one.