I've been counseled to seek legal separation...

[Plato1969]

Waiting to talk to a lawyer about this to see what it all entails. not sure if I should warn the wife or not. We had decided originally not to do anything "legal" right now, but because of recent events, I'm about to change my mind.

 

She's a walk-out wife.

 

She doesn't want me to know where she lives. I know the apt. complex, but she hasn't told me the building and number. my son has, but she doesn't know that. There has never been any threat of any kind between us. We have 2 children.

 

She has had various past financial issues (which contributed greatly to our marital problems) and I don't trust her to not get credit cards and running them up without paying them.

 

She has broken promises in the past.

 

I don't know what she is doing from day to day.

 

I feel bad for doing this without warning her first. She just said last night that her friends told her to do the same, but she didn't want to. Of course she may be doing it now for all I know.

 

I'm not sure if I should say anything, or just do it. I feel like I will be taking one more step away from this marriage, and that's not what I want. I feel like I need to get more information from her, like WHY doesn't she want a legal separation. I don't think she is looking to screw me over, but this could just be some sort of ploy.

 

I'm really torn. can someone shed some light on what a legal separation entails and how someone might react to that?

[Lor]

You should tell her that you'd feel more comfortable with a legal separation now, rather than just each other's word. You don't have to tell her your fears or reasons. If she doesn't want one, have her explain why.

 

If she doesn't want you to know where she lives, she's moving on herself. Sounds like you need to take steps to protect yourself in case something goes wrong.

[junkopardner]

Legal separation basically covers your ass from all the legal angles that divorce does, except there's no divorce. Any debt accumulated during the legal seperation period, for example, is the sole responsibility of the person who's name is on it.

 

If you don't want to get divorced, but you're worried about out of control, irresponsible spending ending in massive debt that you may be partly responsible for, then a legal separation would definitely protect you from this.

 

~J

[Becoming]

I think you're wise, given history.

 

But I'd tell her exactly why, as you did us here, so that she doesn't find it out in the mail. You owe her that much as the mother of your children.

 

But that doesn't mean you have to get sucked into any of her drama. Tell her rationally why and that you don't really want to separate, that you really want to be married, but since she is the one who insists on living separately without sharing her life, you feel you have no choice at this time in order to protect yourself and your children financially. And then just leave.

 

Just be honest. How hard is that, folks. Really.

[Gunny376]

This is someting that I can adbsolutely freaking testify to.

 

Any hatered (?) and bitterness that I hold toward my XW, wasn't because she was a walk-away-wife, lacking in her cpactity to communicate WTF her problems were in the marriage, that she was cheating on me, left me for the the OM, etc ad nausem ~ it was all the crap that she did or tried to do after the diivorce.

 

First she threw me under the bus with the IRS, which lead to problems with creditiors, which lead to bankruptcy, which lead to re-establishing my credit.

 

We were divorced for two years ~ when she was out trying to create new bills in my name?! I was stationed in North Carolina ~ and would be getting bills from Alabama?

 

Unfortunately, this is part of the downward spirial that begins when one party exits the marraiage. You've got to do what you've got to do to protect yourself ~ and if you don't this could severly affect you and handicap you for YEARS to come. I strongly urge you to do so ~ and just follow "Becoming's" advice. Just say it in a "Oh! By the way,............type tone.

 

If you think about it? Its just plain common sense to do so!

[michelangelo]

close out any joint bank accounts, credit cards, etc.

 

Get a legal separation. Consult the lawyer about the timing of telling her of it.

 

If you tell her before it is in place she could run up bills just to spite you.

 

If this is not trending towards the bitter end, no harm no foul. If it is going to the bitter end, then you've protected your assets.

[Cecelius]

You do need to consult a lawyer -- in some states, there is no such thing as "legally" separated, and in others all it means is that you haven't abandoned her.

 

You can sign any number of agreements with her before you are divorced, which may become part of that too, but that is another matter.

 

Find out what applies in your state. if she will not cooperate, there is little you can do besides sue for divorce.

[Chinook]

She doesn't want me to know where she lives. I know the apt. complex, but she hasn't told me the building and number. my son has, but she doesn't know that. There has never been any threat of any kind between us. We have 2 children.

 

She has had various past financial issues (which contributed greatly to our marital problems) and I don't trust her to not get credit cards and running them up without paying them.

 

She has broken promises in the past.

 

I don't know what she is doing from day to day.

 

I can't advise you because I'm in the UK. What I can tell you is make sure you have a lawyer cover your ass every step of the way.

 

I was thinking about your situ the other day and wondering why she wouldn't tell you where she lives. I couldn't figure it out and I couldn't find your thread again to see if there were any developments. But, I strongly suspect she may have been cheating. If she doesn't want you to know where she lives... I'd be asking myself why that is, especially in the face of the fact that there has never been any violent conduct etc.

 

Also, good advice about closing accounts and cancelling credit cards. In fact, check all the latest bills out anyways and inform them of the situation.

 

(sigh) I know you feel like you're further away but in fairness it seems like you're being pushed away too.

 

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm going against the flow here and saying don't tell her.

 

If you do- you run the chance of her filing first, or of her running up more bills.

 

She won't even tell you where she lives- why do you owe her the respect of telling her you're filing???

 

I say file first and file hard. It's all about what you want in the beginning, then you negotiate after the fact. It's obvious that she has moved on- is most likely seeing another man- that is why she doesn't want you to have her address! Either that or she's setting you up to file on emotional distress or trying to say you're physically violent. No matter which way that goes you still benefit by filing first.

 

Filing first and hard shows her your serious and you won't tolerate her disrespect any longer. It may shock her into waking up.

 

Close out all joint bank accounts and credit cards. FAST. Also check with your lawyer about sending something to your creditors stating that past a certain date that you will no longer be responsible for any debts that she incurs.

[GuySimple]

Plato1969, I have read most of your post on here and really hear how hurt and confused you are. I expect your world is coming apart and you are looking for answers and some reason and justification about why you are going through your misery. Why your wife is doing what she is doing.

 

I can tell you that it will be a long while before either you or her can explain what is happening and why.

 

The things that you are describing are things that are being brought on by you being hurt by her. You want to hurt her back. Give her a little of what you are feeling.

 

Now, don't get me wrong, you should protect yourself financial and set things up that in both of your best interests and the best interest of your children.

 

But when I read your posts it seems that you are still fairly fresh in the whole separation thing. Personally I think you are being a bit premature doing a separation agreement.

 

I can only relate it to my own situation. I went to a lawyer after about 6 months of separation. Almost immediately my relationship with my wife went down hill fast. Our kids got stressed seeing us stressed and a 17 year marriage and 24 year relationship deteriorated to numerous letters between lawyers.

 

After a $3000 of legal costs just for me alone I decided to get rid of my lawyer and start rebuilding a relationship that was workable with my wife.

 

As I said to you before, give her some space. Focus on healing yourself and discover who you are and what you want. Once I did that I discovered that I really love my wife a lot but don't want to be married to her. She will always be my best friend and someone I will confide in but we don't work simple as that. But, like you, early on all I could think of was getting her back. Read my posts you will see a lot of similar things to you.

 

Protect yourself financially. Ultimately most marriages end because of the partners can't deal with the stress of things like money and children.

 

Enjoy being with yourself. I am guessing that you spend most nights wondering what, or who, your wife is doing. That is normal. But in the vast majority of cases she is doing nothing but taking care of herself. You should do the same thing. I expect it is tough living in the same house. I tell people to move out. Get a change of scenery as it is easier to heal and adjust without looking at the married things that surround you.

 

Check out support groups in your area. It is a fact that 50% of marriages end in divorce and you can bet at least 50% of the other ones are crappy so you are not alone.