Dumper made contact - why?

[LaraV]

So here is my situation:

 

I dated this guy for a year. I fell for him deeply. He just broke up with me a month ago. The reason? He doesn't love me, and he feels that if the feeling is not there by now, it just won't be there at all. Now he never deceived me or told me he loved me or anything. From the get-go, he said he wasn't sure about wanting a relationship, but I hung on (stupidly) because I figured and hoped that maybe eventually he would fall for me. Did he care about me? Yes, he did, but he just didn't love me. He never lied or cheated or disrespected me in any way. He genuinely cared about me. He just never felt love for me. He is a great guy and I still love him very much, and it's gonna take me a good long while to get over him, but I know it will happen.

 

To say that I've been brokenhearted would be an understatement. I've been devastated, but when you're faced with the knowledge that the other person doesn't love you, you have no option but to let them go. And that's what I did. I responded to the break up with dignity, wished him the best of luck in life, and that was it. It's been about a month, and I've had no contact with him whatsoever. He did say he wished he could still talk to me because he cares about me, but I made no promises about this, because I knew it would only lead to torture for me. So I left it at that. Not really telling him, yes I'll be your friend, or no I won't. In any case, the day after I realized that the only way to heal from this would be NC and no future friendship, etc. It's over, and so it's over.

 

Problem is we're in grad school together, so there is no way to avoid him once the fall semester starts. I will see him at some point, but I decided that I would be civil and friendly if the situation required (we have friends in common) but I certainly won't be a friend. It's just too painful for me. And I would also avoid him as much as possible.

 

Well, a few days ago (less than a month after the break up) he e-mailed me a very casual e-mail. He said he was just writing to say hi, and then he commented on what he was doing over the weekend and was wondering how things were going with me. I nearly died when I received the e-mail. How could he take such a "nothing's happened here" attitude? He's talking to me like everything's fine, and we're just friends. I'm shocked, to say the least, by this man's absolute lack of sensitivity, tact or just plain ol' stupidity. He KNOWS how much I love/d him, how can he think that in a few week's time I'm going to be fine and I'm gonna sit down and e-mail him about how work/life is going?

 

I'm asking for people's opinion as to what drives such a person to do something so insensitive? I'm not reading any "hope" into this. I believe this relationship is over, and I would never delude myself into thinking that he wants me back. I just want to understand why a person that was always honest and caring with me would do such a thing to me? I'd like to think that this is just his way of saying, "Well, I guess I have to see you at some point, and it'd be better if things weren't uncomfortable between us," but I just can't believe the casual tone of that e-mail. How do you break someone's heart and then just chat them like nothing happened? I hate breaking these things along gender lines, but are men just stupidly insensitive like that? What exactly is the point of such an e-mail?!

 

I did not answer the e-mail. Even if I had wanted to, I just wouldn't even know what to say. This is the first time I've had any feelings of anger at my ex. He really is a good man, he just didn't get to fall in love with me, and that is not his fault, and when he realized that he wasn't ever going to get there, he was honest enough to let me know that this had to end. But then why go and be so insensitive like that? Especially when he knows how much I love him.

 

Any opinions?

[Shane361]

Wow..both of you have handled the situation greatly. There was always honesty and respect on each part. Its unfortunate that it didnt work out and time as you know will help. Its always hard to deal with the pain when you are on the receiving end which you are. Had it been on the other foot you wouldn't be having such a hard time about it. That being said it was easy for him to email you asking how you were. Concerned or interested in you is what he is. However he wasnt taking into account the result of his actions. I understand the no interaction makes for less pain and would act the same way and have many times. He will get the hint and it will cease. When you see him be subtle and move on with little or no interaction as you do now. Be optimistic that one day a man will fall in love with you cause he loves everything about you-Shane

[In Sync]

So here is my situation:

 

I dated this guy for a year. I fell for him deeply. He just broke up with me a month ago. The reason? He doesn't love me, and he feels that if the feeling is not there by now, it just won't be there at all. Now he never deceived me or told me he loved me or anything. From the get-go, he said he wasn't sure about wanting a relationship, but I hung on (stupidly) because I figured and hoped that maybe eventually he would fall for me. Did he care about me? Yes, he did, but he just didn't love me. He never lied or cheated or disrespected me in any way. He genuinely cared about me. He just never felt love for me. He is a great guy and I still love him very much, and it's gonna take me a good long while to get over him, but I know it will happen.

 

To say that I've been brokenhearted would be an understatement. I've been devastated, but when you're faced with the knowledge that the other person doesn't love you, you have no option but to let them go. And that's what I did. I responded to the break up with dignity, wished him the best of luck in life, and that was it. It's been about a month, and I've had no contact with him whatsoever. He did say he wished he could still talk to me because he cares about me, but I made no promises about this, because I knew it would only lead to torture for me. So I left it at that. Not really telling him, yes I'll be your friend, or no I won't. In any case, the day after I realized that the only way to heal from this would be NC and no future friendship, etc. It's over, and so it's over.

 

Problem is we're in grad school together, so there is no way to avoid him once the fall semester starts. I will see him at some point, but I decided that I would be civil and friendly if the situation required (we have friends in common) but I certainly won't be a friend. It's just too painful for me. And I would also avoid him as much as possible.

 

Well, a few days ago (less than a month after the break up) he e-mailed me a very casual e-mail. He said he was just writing to say hi, and then he commented on what he was doing over the weekend and was wondering how things were going with me. I nearly died when I received the e-mail. How could he take such a "nothing's happened here" attitude? He's talking to me like everything's fine, and we're just friends. I'm shocked, to say the least, by this man's absolute lack of sensitivity, tact or just plain ol' stupidity. He KNOWS how much I love/d him, how can he think that in a few week's time I'm going to be fine and I'm gonna sit down and e-mail him about how work/life is going?

 

I'm asking for people's opinion as to what drives such a person to do something so insensitive? I'm not reading any "hope" into this. I believe this relationship is over, and I would never delude myself into thinking that he wants me back. I just want to understand why a person that was always honest and caring with me would do such a thing to me? I'd like to think that this is just his way of saying, "Well, I guess I have to see you at some point, and it'd be better if things weren't uncomfortable between us," but I just can't believe the casual tone of that e-mail. How do you break someone's heart and then just chat them like nothing happened? I hate breaking these things along gender lines, but are men just stupidly insensitive like that? What exactly is the point of such an e-mail?!

 

I did not answer the e-mail. Even if I had wanted to, I just wouldn't even know what to say. This is the first time I've had any feelings of anger at my ex. He really is a good man, he just didn't get to fall in love with me, and that is not his fault, and when he realized that he wasn't ever going to get there, he was honest enough to let me know that this had to end. But then why go and be so insensitive like that? Especially when he knows how much I love him.

 

Any opinions?

 

 

All in all I don't see his contacting you as so insensitive...I mean from his p.o.v. he didn't want to string you along and ended the relationship. From your p.o.v. it was a door unexpectedly closed. Yet you maintained your dignity and accepted it gracefully. Ok, so I would suggest that you don't engage in contact with. (this is not out of meanness but to allow yourself not to build up false hopes by maintaining what looks like casual friendship) Since you invested more of your heart into the relationship...staying in lite contact with him will stir the flames and keep them going reagrdless of how you think it is only for the sake of being nice. On the otherhand, write to him a letter explaining this. It would difficult for you to keep a casual contact....I can imagine that he does care about you and perhaps feels guilty for hurting you and doesn't want to shut the door on knowing you, but as his feelings are not invested he does not see the pain it causes you. It's not so much as stupidness on the side of the male sex as a case of, if your heart is involved every action is filled with meaning and when your heart is not involved an e-mail is no big deal.

[bendit]

I am going to disagree a little with the two posters above. I don't think his primary intentions are to really see how you are doing and make sure you are ok.

 

Notice how casual he is. He isn't hurt by this breakup at all. He feels no pain. He was simply not invested in it like you were. So he thinks nothing of just shooting off an email to check in.

 

What he misses is the "supply" you used to give him. Yes you did a lot of things to make him feel better about himself. He certainly doesn't want closeness, but he would like to have you around for when he needs some of that "supply", the stuff you provided him that made him feel special and appreciated.

 

Obviously you don't appreciate what he is doing with this email. I would send him a short email telling him directly that you can't have him dong this stuff anymore.

 

If he continues then you know you have an emotional abuser on your hands and you may have to take further steps to prevent him from contacting you.

 

I see you as very in touch with your feelings and understanding of what you need to do to move on. You intuitively know that this contact is not helpful, in fact its selfish of him, and that it needs to stop. Tell him plainly that you want it to stop and see if he complies. If he doesn't you will have to find ways to insulate yourself from this subtle abuse. Good luck.

 

regards

[Guest]

It's not so much as stupidness on the side of the male sex as a case of, if your heart is involved every action is filled with meaning and when your heart is not involved an e-mail is no big deal.

 

I think this is a good possibility. I certainly had never had my heart before, and thinking back on some of the things I did (when others loved me and I didn't) I can see how sometimes you have NO clue as to impact your actions can have on someone you love. Innocent stupidity, if you will. I think you do have a point about letting him know how I feel though, in a very polite, short and to the point response. I'll think about it.

[Guest]

Notice how casual he is. He isn't hurt by this breakup at all. He feels no pain. He was simply not invested in it like you were. So he thinks nothing of just shooting off an email to check in.

 

What he misses is the "supply" you used to give him. Yes you did a lot of things to make him feel better about himself. He certainly doesn't want closeness, but he would like to have you around for when he needs some of that "supply", the stuff you provided him that made him feel special and appreciated.

regards

 

Ah yes. I see this as the brutal reality/non naive view. It does make me wonder if I'm giving this man too much credit when I think he's tactful and caring, blah, blah, blah. I mean, not to say he isn't, per se, but maybe, for all I know, he has the emotional range of a spoon and to him that e-mail really was like just e-mailing a buddy. Well, if seen from that perspective, I guess he did me a favor. In the end though, I guess if he's never had his heart broken (and I don't think he's ever been in love) then he just can't possibly appreciate the situation for me, and I guess, for that, I can only forgive him. But still. Sucks for me. Because, after all, I've been stuck in my own personal Hell since he left. And on top of it all, I do miss him. A lot.

[Shane361]

The pain of the loss bites and I sypathise with you on that. However..you give him more credit than he deserves. Obviously your a catch. You carry yourself VERY well and even in the thickness of it all you did just that. You have much ambition and are def going somewhere with your life. After all this time he didnt realize how wonderful of a person you really are. In the end it's his loss and you need to move on and find someone that has a clue and will realized this. IT'S HIS LOSS -Shane

[LaraV]

The pain of the loss bites and I sypathise with you on that. However..you give him more credit than he deserves. Obviously your a catch. You carry yourself VERY well and even in the thickness of it all you did just that. You have much ambition and are def going somewhere with your life. After all this time he didnt realize how wonderful of a person you really are. In the end it's his loss and you need to move on and find someone that has a clue and will realized this. IT'S HIS LOSS -Shane

 

Thanks, Shane. Funny how much it helps at these moments to know that even strangers are with you in moments of crises. This is VERY hard. Heartbreak is really an immesurable pain. And I sincerely thank all of you who have wished me well.

[2020vision]

I have been in a very similiar situation. I think you are in fact giving him too much credit. Just let him go. I don't think you owe him a response whatsoever.

 

This is VERY hard. Heartbreak is really an immesurable pain.

 

You are absolutely right. It is probably one of the hardest things I have had to do. Doesn't it suck that there is not a special thing that makes you get over a break up? Wouldn't you think there would be something out by now..anyhow, the only thing I know that keeps your heart from breaking even more is NC. stick with it, and you will be much better.

 

Hang in there.

[LaraV]

Well, I did what some of you suggested and sent him an e-mail letting him know, basically, that I appreciated his sympathetic effort but that I just can't be friends with him after all this because it just hurts me too much. I specifically asked him not to respond to my letter, so that way I'm not waiting for any kind of action on his part.

 

It did make me feel better to finally get some of my thoughts out there, but it hurts to think that to him, this whole thing wasn't a big deal. It's so terrifying, and humiliating in a way, that two people were having a completely different relationship with each other. I mean, we were not only on the same page, but on completely different books!

 

For those of you that at least had mutual love with your exes, please feel happy that at least you had that - that at least, at some point, you and the other one loved each other. I didn't even have that. He just never even got there. It is absolutely hearbreaking, but I guess I can't victimize myself, after all, it was my decision to wait around for a year to see if he could fall for me. Well, I guess I got my answer! And while I accept it, it doesn't make me feel any better.

[Shane361]

Well you did the rite thing. Now lets hope he understands and respects your request. Now just look towards the future cause its sooooo much brighter than you currently realize. Do some self reflection and just continue working on yourself as a person. Its something I am currently doing and just started. Concentrating on my career and my financial self.

 

ps....I'm 33...good looking, single no kids, never married, very sweet...wanna grab some coffeeeeee..ok...just playing.....but hope I got a smile out of ya;)

[LaraV]

Well you did the rite thing. Now lets hope he understands and respects your request. Now just look towards the future cause its sooooo much brighter than you currently realize. Do some self reflection and just continue working on yourself as a person. Its something I am currently doing and just started. Concentrating on my career and my financial self.

 

ps....I'm 33...good looking, single no kids, never married, very sweet...wanna grab some coffeeeeee..ok...just playing.....but hope I got a smile out of ya;)

 

Thanks, Shane - I did smile - guess I should treasure that because it's rare these days. And I guess it's moving on time. I just really wish I didn't have to see him all of next year for grad school. That's gonna suck big time...

[Shane361]

Not as bad as you think it's gonna be. Your not gonna be seeing him as if you were going to now. You ARE going to realize that he is the one missing out due to his ignorance. Tomorrow...you will not hurt as much as you did today. Next year you will simply smile knowing that he was ignorant and that he really missed out on something special. Soon as you realize this..the better;)

[SUMMER 1969]

I totally understand what you are saying about the e-mails..

 

When I talk to my ex he seems very blah about all of this.. I feel the same way, how in the hell can you act like nothing is wrong?

 

Its messed up.. I feel your pain and give you so much credit for being able to handle your situation the way you are.. I wish I had the same out look as you..

 

You are a very stong person..

 

I bet it feels kind of good to know that you are not the only one that is in this mess..

[Shane361]

I'm overdue on a progress report:D How are ya doing hun?-Shane

[LaraV]

I'm overdue on a progress report:D How are ya doing hun?-Shane

 

I have my good days and my bad ones. I feel like a yo-yo, really. Lately I've just been struck by the "reality" of things and I just feel like I was such an idiot for wasting a year on someone who obviously wasn't "that into me." I have such a good head on my shoulders, I am so observant, and strong and independent so I'm horribly mad at myself for putting myself through this one. Mostly, I just want to work on forgiving myself for that transgression on my own being. And also, I'm still navigating through the stages of grief and whatnot. The point is that I really love this person, and it's a great loss to me, and I'm just in the process of saying goodbye - and it's very painful at times. It also sucks that in a few weeks I'll have to live in the same apt complex as him due to grad school. That I'll have to see him around and that there will be situations where I just won't be able to avoid him due to us having the same group of friends. So I'm dreading that. But mostly, I'm just sad I lost someone I loved dearly; and I'm dealing with the fact that he just didn't love me, and quite frankly, I was always just a very, VERY low priority in his life. But I know that this, too, shall pass....

[Shane361]

I have my good days and my bad ones. I feel like a yo-yo, really. Lately I've just been struck by the "reality" of things and I just feel like I was such an idiot for wasting a year on someone who obviously wasn't "that into me." I have such a good head on my shoulders, I am so observant, and strong and independent so I'm horribly mad at myself for putting myself through this one. Mostly, I just want to work on forgiving myself for that transgression on my own being. And also, I'm still navigating through the stages of grief and whatnot. The point is that I really love this person, and it's a great loss to me, and I'm just in the process of saying goodbye - and it's very painful at times. It also sucks that in a few weeks I'll have to live in the same apt complex as him due to grad school. That I'll have to see him around and that there will be situations where I just won't be able to avoid him due to us having the same group of friends. So I'm dreading that. But mostly, I'm just sad I lost someone I loved dearly; and I'm dealing with the fact that he just didn't love me, and quite frankly, I was always just a very, VERY low priority in his life. But I know that this, too, shall pass....

 

 

I think you should draw strength in the aspect that you were as you mentioned a low priority in his life. It hurts, but a realization at the same time which should help.

I have something just starting to sink in myself. I was told 2 days ago that I will deploying for the Middle East for 6 months and leave in a week. I just got to Texas and got my house all set up and ready to check into this command. They changed my orders last minute cause they need senior leadership on a crew going to the Gulf. Lucky me huh. Love a pen pal if your up for it. My email is [email protected]. Take care Lara-Shane

[LaraV]

I think you should draw strength in the aspect that you were as you mentioned a low priority in his life. It hurts, but a realization at the same time which should help.

I have something just starting to sink in myself. I was told 2 days ago that I will deploying for the Middle East for 6 months and leave in a week. I just got to Texas and got my house all set up and ready to check into this command. They changed my orders last minute cause they need senior leadership on a crew going to the Gulf. Lucky me huh. Love a pen pal if your up for it. My email is [email protected]. Take care Lara-Shane

 

Shane - That is some news indeed! I don't even know what to say, except of course that please take care when you're abroad, and hope that you can come back as soon as possible. I have nothing but the highest respect for people in service of our country. So much of what I have and enjoy in life I owe to you - and for that I sincerely thank you and anybody else on this board who's also in the service. Please take care!!