Happy for the Moment

[Mary]

I have a boyfriend whom I am very in love with. I have never felt happier or more alive than I do right now, with him. I feel he loves me very much and that together we have something special- if we only focus on the present. When I can, I find myself having the time of my life and learning to become the best version of me, but lately I can't and the future keeps looming over both me and our relationship. This is where the problem comes in: We have discussed "our future" because we are both at that stage in our lives but He doesn't want to persue a serious future with me, and while he can enjoy and love me every minute of right now, I am not the girl he wants to eventually marry. This saddens me and makes me feel like I am wasting my time. He tells me I should be happy and just enjoy the moment and the time we have together, but now, I don't know how or if I can when I already know the enievitable outcome. I try to tell myself it is better to have loved and lost then never loved at all, but it doesn't stop it from hurting. I am confused and unsure of what to do.

[Tony T]

If your agenda is to get married and he means it when he says he will not marry you, you have no choice but to endure whatever pain necessary and free yourself to heal and later pursue happiness with a man who wants to spend his life with you.

 

You're quite lucky this guy is honest. Don't hold his position against him. If you weren't serious about him, there would be no problem in remaining together and just enjoying the togetherness. But this relationship is certainly one-way now that he has made it clear he feels you are NOT the one.

 

Of course, he could change his mind somewhere down the road but do you want to gamble on that? Likely if he has actually given you this information now, he has given it a lot of thought and probably won't change that position.

 

Living in the present is great when the present is great...but when he drops you, living in the present will be hell. Bring on the hell now so you can find happiness sooner.

 

Move on!

[Carrie]

Breaking up with someone you're crazy about is always going to hurt, but at least this guy is being honest with you. He's not leading you on and he's giving you the chance to decide what you want instead of leading you to believe something else.

 

I recently ended a relationship with someone of 2 yrs, because I realized he wasn't looking at me as his future. He, of course, was a selfish person who lied to me and led me to believe he wanted to marry and be with me forever. Thank God I figured it out, before I wasted anymore time with him. I'm not saying that being with someone who may not be the one you marry is a waste of time, because anyone you date can be an incredible learning & growing experience, even if it's short term - if that's what you're looking for. But, if you are looking for long-term, marriage and a serious committment, then you need to find someone who has the same wants and needs that you do. If you stay with this guy, who has made it perfectly clear that he doesn't want anything, your feelings for him may continue to grow until you fall in love with him, because you want something more and you'll constantly be fighting it. You'll end up not enjoying and having fun in the relationship, because you'll be thinking the whole time, this guy doesn't want me for forever. It will end up brining you down. If you think you'll just stay with this guy until someone who wants more comes along, you're just fooling yourself. Your feelings will be so caught up with the ups and downs with this guy, you're going to end up letting other potential opportunities pass you by.

 

In my opinion, you need to move on and hurt now, so that 6 months from now, you'll be ready to move on and at least get some of this dead end relationship out of your mind (it will be spring/summer and beautiful weather - dating time). The longer you wait to end it, the longer it will take for you to heal. Don't put it off too long, because you're the only one that will suffer. It doesn't sound like casual and fun is what you're looking for, so take care of your wants and needs.

[Lilly]

You say "we have discussed our future because we are both at that stage in our lives", I assume by that statement you mean you are BOTH ready to commit to someone??.

 

If he feels the need to say "just enjoy the moment and the time we have together" then he is not being entirely honest with you about being at "that stage in his life".

 

If you feel he IS ready to commit then I would seriusly question "I feel he loves me very much and that together we have something special"... if it was true love for him, if it was something special, then he would not let you get away, especially if he's ready for commitment.

 

Either way you want or feel different things, won't be easy but you need to move on and be with someone who shares your wants and needs.

[Lauren]

Mary, sounds like you are in a different position than he is. Although your post read that you are both "in that stage of life" - he obviously isn't!!! It sounds like you really love this man and can envision a future with him - including marriage. He seems very caught up in the moment and wants to take things as they come. With that type of attitude - he will take advantage and enjoy any opportunity that presents itself, including another woman. It sounds like he isn't ready to be focused on anything. Enjoying the moment and having fun and happiness is great. Without some type of objective, goal, focus (or however you phrase it) - how can anytime together be enjoyed? I'm not sure if that makes sense! I guess I'd have to ask if the two of you made plans and or dates - looking forward, anticipation, eagerness - and the moment of being together fulfilling those feelings. That would be a focus upon the future. There isn't much in your post about his feeling except that you are not the girl he eventually wants to marry. If he told you that - at least he is honest! You sound like you are more advanced than him when it comes to relationships. Waiting around for him to catch up might reap rewards. Waiting around could also result in him getting "caught up in the moment" with someone else. Either way, he is not ready to think or plan anything about a future. Do you want to be with someone that hasn't any goals - especially without you in the plan!

 

I have a boyfriend whom I am very in love with. I have never felt happier or more alive than I do right now, with him. I feel he loves me very much and that together we have something special- if we only focus on the present. When I can, I find myself having the time of my life and learning to become the best version of me, but lately I can't and the future keeps looming over both me and our relationship. This is where the problem comes in: We have discussed "our future" because we are both at that stage in our lives but He doesn't want to persue a serious future with me, and while he can enjoy and love me every minute of right now, I am not the girl he wants to eventually marry. This saddens me and makes me feel like I am wasting my time. He tells me I should be happy and just enjoy the moment and the time we have together, but now, I don't know how or if I can when I already know the enievitable outcome. I try to tell myself it is better to have loved and lost then never loved at all, but it doesn't stop it from hurting. I am confused and unsure of what to do.