Figuring out my mother.

[stronger_daily]

This is pretty long so I'll try and break it up a bit. I apologize now for typing so much.

 

The school years:

 

I'm trying to figure out what to do about my mom. I'm a grown woman with a husband and a little girl and a son on the way. Hopefully this won't bore people too much. It's just my story and it's why I'm here kind of.

 

My mom was great. Single mom and she lived with my grandparents to raise me. It was lonely when she went to work all the time. Should I be grateful she worked and went to school to make a better life for me? Yes. Should a child be held accountable for not understanding that at the time? Absolutely not.

 

When she was ready to move when I was 10 I wanted to stay with my grandparents. I can't imagine how that hurt her. I saw her on weekends, but my grandma and grandpa had raised me and mom was never around.

 

I loved her greatly, though, and I just loved doing things with her. I just didn't want to go to school from her house. I'm not sure why. I think I was used to the kids from my bus stop was all. Simple kid logic.

 

When I was 14, things began to change. She started acting as if she disliked me. I wasn't sure what was going on and I began to try and figure out what I was doing wrong. That's when the physical abuse began. I didn't know what was wrong with her. I tried everything and finally just stayed away from her. Getting my head slammed into the ground wasn't my favorite activity.

 

I begged her to see a counselor with me. Finally she did and she admitted she was suffering from depression. She began to take medication. The abuse got worse. I couldn't take it anymore and begged her to do something again. I begged her to go to a clinic or something. The counselor had suggested it to her for my sake and then one day, while I was at my grandparents' house, she called me. She told me to go to her house and take care of the cats while she was gone. Gone? Yeah, to a clinic for her depression. I was thrilled. This meant it was going to finally be okay. I would get my mom back.

 

I wasn't very wise, but I was 17 at the time.

 

She came home and she was acting pretty okay, but fragile. I was on everyone's case who even looked at my mom wrong. I refused to ever let her be upset again if I could help it.

 

She called a friend and she kept getting angry and saying that she wasn't going to tell me something. I got ticked. I didn't want her upset so finally I said, just tell me, mom. It's okay. I just don't want you upset.

 

She looked right at me and said, "Your mother's a f*cking junkie. There. Are you happy now?"

 

My world crumbled. I hugged her and told her it was okay and that I'm glad she told me. Then I went to my room and cried. I couldn't let her see how upset I was. Mom had been shooting up morphine and had finally gotten help. I should have been thrilled. Instead I had just witnessed the end of my relationship with her that I'd been hoping for. It would never be the same.

[stronger_daily]

Years 18-20

 

I went away to college and mom got into her drugs again. I fell apart again and left school. I was home briefly over the summer and she hit me with her car. She had her door open and I was trying to talk to her and she slammed the gas and reversed so the door whacked me down hard. I was stunned and just laid there quietly. I thought she would just go away, but she got out and then started asking me if I was okay.

 

I jumped up and screamed at her that she was a horrible mother and that she should be ashamed of herself. Then I went into my grandma's house and stayed there.

 

When I got back to my college I tried to get through the rest of the summer. Then I ran away.

 

I knew a way to get taken care of. I was young and cute and there were people that would pay money to have someone like me in their bed so that's what I did. Eventually I landed a great nanny job. Of course, my childcare skills weren't what this couple was looking for, but it kept me away from home.

 

Eventually I called home to talk to my grandma. I still feel bad for putting my family through the horror of not knowing where I was. I kept in contact but continued my lifestyle for another year. I won't go into what happened in that year, but it wasn't great.

 

My grandpa was sick and I finally went home. The things I'd done haunted me and I decided it was time to end it. I tried to kill myself. Mom found me and got me the help I needed.

 

That's when I met the man who would abuse me horribly in the worst relationship of my life for 6 years.

[stronger_daily]

Now:

 

I got away from that man finally and I met the wonderful man who became my husband. I have a child from another man (not the abusive one, but that would make this so much longer. LOL) and my husband is great with her. We lost a child last year to a miscarriage and now we're expecting a son soon.

 

We hit some hard times and we live with my mom. It's hell.

 

She pays for everything and I'm grateful. I'm SO grateful, but she seems to know that and holds it over my head. She's pushed her way into so much. She is insisting on being in the delivery room even though I said I wanted to be alone with my husband.

 

She refuses to take responsibility for anything. She slept with my dad while he was married to my stepmom and then told my stepmom she was a bad friend for not being there for her when she was struggling with what she had done. I mean....wtf?

 

Then she finds a boyfriend and he cheats on her. So I found out that she's telling everyone how victimized she is and how she would NEVER cheat. I just look at her and think, you were the other woman once so how do you never cheat?

 

She's such a hypocrite that it hurts. I don't want my child sucking their thumb. Mom says she doesn't care. I tried to stop my dtr from doing it and mom told her she was allowed anyway. She's telling me she'll do the same with this child. She also said she'll be the one taking care of the baby instead of me and my husband. I just don't get it.

 

And she's so lazy. She was in the bathroom and I was in the doorway and saw a paper towel at her feet. I said, Hey mom, you dropped something.

 

She said, No I didn't and then walked away, leaving it there.

 

There is so much more and I'm sure that eventually I'll write it out, but all of this makes me feel so stuck. Yes, she's really helping me out and I couldn't survive without her help, but she seems to be doing it just to 'own' me and not to help me.

 

My MIL and FIL are about to come up here and throttle her. They love me so much and they are so hurt that we're stuck with her.

 

Now I just have to get through this year of college and then I want to go. I just want to leave here and never look back.

 

She even got a new boyfriend who came into this home and got in my face and started screaming at me and telling me off because of the lies she told him. I didn't say anything to him at first. I just begged her to do something. I was only a couple of months pregnant with this child and just dealt with losing a child. I had a panic attack, but I thought I was losing another baby and I just cried and begged, but she did nothing. She just shrugged and let him scream at me.

 

Then my husband told this guy that I could lose the baby and he shrugged and said, Oh well. I told mom that happened and she asked the bf and he told her it didn't. She believed him.

 

So now I'm trying to just find some ways to cope with the next year until we can leave and not look back. I love her. I'll always love her. But she's toxic for me and for my family. I'd never just completely cut her off, but it's doubtful I'll ever try to be close to her unless I'm forced to.

 

And I'm not even sad about it. I think that worries me the most.