NC with good friend/ex-fuck buddy

[keye]

I'll try to cut a long story short.

 

I'm 19 years old and I've been very good friends with this guy for seven years now. We've never officially gotten together, but we've hooked up many times over the years (never meant anything) and when we were younger, we had feelings for one another at different times (always bad timing). Last year, we were finally both single and somehow developed a casual sex relationship. Bad idea, as I lost my virginity to him and (predictably) started to fall for him. We completely lost the friendship element to our relationship and stopped talking about things altogether - basically just having sex without communicating.

 

After six months, he dropped a bombshell on me that he liked another girl and we didn't speak for a long time (out of awkwardness). Basically, he broke my heart. He never got to find out how I felt because I was too scared to tell him. Then he went overseas for a couple of months, which gave me a chance to chill and take a breather. We emailed each other while he was away and started trying to ease back into our friendship, without ever actually addressing our previous casual sex relationship. After he got back, he started going out with the girl and he and I started to hang out as just friends again.

 

At first, I thought I was okay with this, but after a few months, I realised that I was just in denial. I have been in love with him for a long time and will probably always be in love with him. Then, I started to feel angry. Throughout this entire mess, he has never once come out to ask me how I am. It's partly my fault too, because I always act like I'm okay with everything, even when I'm not, but I'm angry at him for not even having the balls and the sensitivity to think that I might be feeling otherwise, even if I'm not showing it. I realised that I shouldn't have to compromise myself when I want more; then I decided to initiate no contact.

 

NC has been working quite well - it's been a couple of months now of ignoring his calls and making up lame excuses so that I don't have to see him. He's definitely suspicious that something is up - as I went from seeing him a few times a week to having not seen him for about two months - but he continues to be persistent with his calls and seems to accept my lies. I feel like we can't honestly move on with our friendship or whatever until we address our past, and the issues surrounding it. The problem is, I don't want to drag out the past and tell him why I'm upset because I don't want to be disrespectful to his current relationship - and besides, what would it achieve? It was so long ago; why would I bring it up now?

 

Deep down, I know that for me, NC is a way of wiping the slate clean so that we can start fresh in the future, when/if he ever breaks up with his girlfriend. But can you really wipe a slate clean with the history we've had? He's told a friend of mine in the past that he doesn't believe that one can successfully develop a relationship from a friendship, and I think that he sees me as nothing more than a friend despite the sexual chemistry we've always had.

 

What should I do now? Ignoring his calls is becoming ridiculous - he is starting to ask mutual friends questions - and I don't want to make him hate me forever (which seems to be the road I'm going down at this rate). I do want to be friends with him again one day and see what happens, and I do want to discuss things with him properly and tell him of my feelings - but it just seems wrong at the moment, as he is in a serious relationship. Can anyone suggest any alternatives other than NC?

 

Thanks in advance. xox

[crazy_grl]

The problem is, I don't want to drag out the past and tell him why I'm upset because I don't want to be disrespectful to his current relationship

 

If you've already tried going NC and it's not working then you should tell him the reason you're going NC. If you don't do it with the intent to take him from his gf, then I don't think it's disrespectful to his relationship. Just let him know that you're not comfortable around him now that he has a gf and tell him why (you have feelings for him). Then stick to NC. If you don't stick to it, then it'll seem like you're playing a game and trying to steal him away.

 

You can't get past this if he's still calling you and making you think about it. If he can't respect your wishes for NC, knowing why you want it, then he's not worth having as a friend.

 

and besides, what would it achieve? It was so long ago; why would I bring it up now?

 

I think you answered that:

 

I feel like we can't honestly move on with our friendship or whatever until we address our past, and the issues surrounding it.

 

The past is affecting you now, so it's worth bringing up, especially since you've never addressed it before.

 

He's told a friend of mine in the past that he doesn't believe that one can successfully develop a relationship from a friendship

 

There are two ways to interpret that. 1) That whole "friend zone" thing where he thinks that once a woman has put him there, there will never be a relationship even if the guy wants one. 2) That relationships can never develop from friendships, because the "romatic spark" will never be there.

 

Both are kind of stupid viewpoints, IMO, but though the first at least has basis sometimes. But if he meant it that way, then he might be open to a relationship with you. He just thinks he's in the "friend zone". If he meant it as #2, then his idea of relationships is probably pretty whacked, and he's not worth dating.

 

But don't even think about pursing whether he would date you right now while he has a gf.

 

I do want to be friends with him again one day and see what happens,

 

Do you want to be friends or do you want a relationship? It sounds a little like you're wanting a relationship. When you want that, don't settle for friends hoping that it'll get you to where you want to be.

 

For example, he's broken up with his gf and you end NC. If you still have feelings for him and want a relationship, don't settle for being friends just to keep him around. You'll just end up hurt again when he starts dating another girl.

[silentcharon]

If you've already tried going NC and it's not working then you should tell him the reason you're going NC. If you don't do it with the intent to take him from his gf, then I don't think it's disrespectful to his relationship. Just let him know that you're not comfortable around him now that he has a gf and tell him why (you have feelings for him). Then stick to NC. If you don't stick to it, then it'll seem like you're playing a game and trying to steal him away.

 

You can't get past this if he's still calling you and making you think about it. If he can't respect your wishes for NC, knowing why you want it, then he's not worth having as a friend.

 

 

 

I think you answered that:

 

 

 

The past is affecting you now, so it's worth bringing up, especially since you've never addressed it before.

 

 

 

There are two ways to interpret that. 1) That whole "friend zone" thing where he thinks that once a woman has put him there, there will never be a relationship even if the guy wants one. 2) That relationships can never develop from friendships, because the "romatic spark" will never be there.

 

Both are kind of stupid viewpoints, IMO, but though the first at least has basis sometimes. But if he meant it that way, then he might be open to a relationship with you. He just thinks he's in the "friend zone". If he meant it as #2, then his idea of relationships is probably pretty whacked, and he's not worth dating.

 

But don't even think about pursing whether he would date you right now while he has a gf.

 

 

 

Do you want to be friends or do you want a relationship? It sounds a little like you're wanting a relationship. When you want that, don't settle for friends hoping that it'll get you to where you want to be.

 

For example, he's broken up with his gf and you end NC. If you still have feelings for him and want a relationship, don't settle for being friends just to keep him around. You'll just end up hurt again when he starts dating another girl.

 

I agree with crazygrl. This is one of the circumstances where you should tell him why you are initiating nc. You have nothing to lose-

 

a) he may tell you he wasn't aware, but he doesn't like you in that way. Reinitate nc so you can move on and get over him, when you feel you can handle being friends with him, give him a call.

 

b) he may tell you he wasn't aware, and he likes you, but has got a gf, blah blah. Do a).

 

Letting the others know the reason of your nc, allows both parties to talk it out before the initation of nc. You have absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain- you will find out how he feels/thinks, and from there, figure out your course of action. I think you will have to continue nc anyway, but at least he knows why, and you may get some answers. You'll know what to do when you feel ready to talk to him again.