Butterflying Posted July 11, 2006 Share Posted July 11, 2006 My best guy friend just told me he is curious about other women. He has an LDR girlfriend. They've known each other for five years. Things are great between them (the best sex, best friends, ect.). To my understanding, there aren't any problems in his current relationship other than the distance. He is surprised that he's actually thinking of other women in this way. And he says it's not just women in general. But it's specific women he knows that he's curious about. Doesn't plan to act on that curiousity. But he's confused by his curiosity especially because he loves his GF. What advice should I give him? How do I explain his curiousity. I just told him it was human nature to be curious about other people. I even told him to talk to his GF about it to see how she deals with curiosity. He said they have talked briefly and she isn't curious about anyone else they way that he is. And he doesn't want to tell her about it because it will make her insecure. Right now, he doesn't think it's a big enough problem for her to feel insecure. I care about my friend a lot. I am putting myself in his GF's position and trying to decide how I would feel if I knew my BF was having this problem. I think I would want to know. As much as possible, I don't want to give my friend advice on how to deal with his relationship because it's not my business. But I think it's a good idea, as his friend, to give him advice when he ask for it. So what should I tell him? How does one handle being attracted to somenone else when they are already involved with someone? Is it normal to feel this way when you are in love? Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted July 11, 2006 Share Posted July 11, 2006 So what should I tell him? How does one handle being attracted to somenone else when they are already involved with someone? Is it normal to feel this way when you are in love? I think it's completely natural to be curious about others. I think to way back when at the time I fell in love w/ my exH. I still thought of other guys, and we were crazy nuts in love. But then again, was I still seeking because I knew deep-down I hadn't found what I was looking for? In retrospect, maybe. They aren't planning to get married, are they? If not, I wouldn't think too much of it that he still looks. He is only human. And she is far away. Maybe in his head she isn't 'mrs. right' but simply just 'mrs. right now'. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Butterflying Posted July 11, 2006 Author Share Posted July 11, 2006 He says they are both non-traditional and not really focused on marriage. He didn't give me a clear answer about which of them would move, or if they ever plan to live together. Maybe he's not sure. And they don't seem to be concerned about that right now. His only problem is how to deal with his attraction to women that he see's on a regular basis whom he feels could easily be "right" for him. Hypothetically, if he broke up with his current GF and dated a new Ms. Right, he would probably still be attracted to other great women. He totally believes his current GF is the 'right' woman for him. He's just surprised that she's not the only one. And I don't know what to say. I've been in love several times. Each time, I met other men who could potentially be the right man for me. But I loved my BF so much that other men never appealed to me in ways that I thought were a problem. I always believe that the man I love is the only 'right' man for me and that eliminates thougts of others. My friend said his GF is the same as me. She has no problem being attracted to other men. That is why he feels bad about this. He wants to know how to prevent this from being a bigger problem. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted July 11, 2006 Share Posted July 11, 2006 The way I see it, the only chance this has of becoming a bigger problem is if he were to act on his desires and disrespect this woman. Basically the choice is his. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Butterflying Posted July 11, 2006 Author Share Posted July 11, 2006 Should I tell him to stay away from the women he's attracted to? I think those women are people he currently has as friends, like me. But I don't think he's attracted to me, otherwise he wouldn't have shared such intimate details with me. Telling him to stay away from his friends seems harsh. For instance, I think he's attractive. But the fact that he has a GF makes him less attractive to me. I don't have many good friends and he's a wonderful person. I would hate to have to end our friendship because of attraction. There has to be a better way to handle it. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted July 11, 2006 Share Posted July 11, 2006 No, I'm not saying he should stay away from any woman, you included. He should just be able to control his impulses. If he has a problem with this, and has strayed or feel he is very close to doing that, he should do the right thing...break-up with his GF before pursuing another. PS It sounds like you like him more than just a friend! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Butterflying Posted July 11, 2006 Author Share Posted July 11, 2006 PS It sounds like you like him more than just a friend! Actually, you're not too far off base with this comment! If he wasn't already in love, I would like to date him. When I first met him, I thought about it a lot. But now that we've known each other for a while, I truly respect him. I value the friendship more than anything else. I think being more than friends leads to a potential break up, which will lead to losing everything. I've never remained friends with any of my X's. Being friends is better than being lovers. (Although it's nice to have both)(It rarely happens) His GF is both his lover and his friend. That's why this situation bothers him, and me. He is surprised by this. And I am afraid that one day, I will meet Mr. Right, and my man will be attracted to other women. This has happened to me in the past. My X's were attracted to other women, and they cheated on me. I'm hoping that my friend doesn't cheat on this GF. Then I will have faith that there really are some good men out there. I've told him that cheating on her would cause me to lose respect for him. Most importantly, it would ruin his relationship with her. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 11, 2006 Share Posted July 11, 2006 Just because we're in love with someone doesn't mean that we will never meet other people that we're attracted to. We will meet attractive people all our lives! Some may even be attracted to us! "THE ONE" is a myth - there are many people we could be compatible with and happy with...thank god, because what are the odds of finding THE ONE among all the billions of people in the world? There's nothing unusual about that at all, especially when he's in a LDR and, I imagine, they aren't able to have sex as frequently as they would if they were in the same city. Pent up sexual frustration can make other people seem very attractive, as does the forbidden fruit/grass is greener syndrome. LDR's also might make us feel as though we're not getting enough attention or affection often enough, so being with others who make us feel attractive is very compelling. Ask him, when he's together with his gf, is he wishing he were with anyone else, or is he totally into being with her? Link to post Share on other sites
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