need some advice

[delREY]

Before my bf of 2 years and I got together I was a very social girl. I went out, partied, and had lots of friends. My bf on the other hand was sort of anti-social. He didn't have any real friends and whenever I convinced him to go out he would hate it and thus the next time I asked if he wanted to go out he didn't want to. Eventually I gave in and just started hanging out with him. I stopped hanging out with my friends and realized I was having a lot more fun with him, it was fun getting to know each other. For two years now we have just been together and loving it. We love each other very much and plan on going to university together next year. So lately he has started hanging out with these guys that used to be close friends of mine. He goes out with them everyday during his spare at school (both him and I also have the same spare) and doesn't come back till after lunch. So he spends about 2 hours with them a day. He is now starting to hang out with them on weekends and I am completely fine with this. I am glad he has friends now. The thing is, is that I think he has more fun with them. I don't get to spend time with him very often, a couple times a week. And for me that is so little compared to 6 or 7 times before. I guess I kinda feel left behind because I don't really have any friends now. My only good friend goes out to bars on the weekend and my bf doesn't want me going there. So what can I do to not let this bother me. I know it's stupid but because i am so used to being with him I feel like I am second on his list, even though he tells me its not like that. What can I do to not think about him all the time and basically get a life again. Sorry this was so long. Any imput would be great.

[Tony T]

Whether or not he tells you that you aren't second on his list, it really seems that way. Your guy is spending the bulk of his time with guy friends and ignoring you. He has absolutely NO business whatsoever telling you not to go to bars or wherever with your girlfriends.

 

If he gave you somewhat more time and was more dedicated to you, I would say respect his wishes and stay away from the bars. But if he's going to do what he damm well pleases, you should too. If he doesn't trust you, the two of you shouldn't even be seeing each other anyway. Don't you dare let him run your life when you have no say in running his.

 

You need to be strong here and put your foot down. Go out with your friends and have a good time.

 

I know it hurts that he seems happier spending time with his friends than with you. I think this may be the result of togetherness burn-out. It was not healthy at all for the two of you to have been totally with each other for two years. While it was a novelty getting to know each other, you can bet that one or the other is going to get sick of that kind of situation after a period of time.

 

Your relationship will now have to go through a healing or adjustment process of sorts. You need to compromise with him and see him just a bit more and continue letting him be with his friends...for a nice balance. The same holds true for you in being able to go wherever with your friends.

 

You better get some equality in this relationship real fast or it will die for sure. I am very surprised you aren't as mad about what's going on here as I am. If I saw your boyfriend, I would deck him for trying to restrict your life while he does whatever. What a turkey!

[BeenThere]

First, talk to him (if you haven't already). Tell him exactly what you have posted here. Than, get some hobbies. Re-invest some time in *yourself*...doing the things YOU want to do. That will lead to making NEW friends who share your interests. Keep busy, and try not to focus so much of your attention on what makes HIM happy.

 

I think its very admirable that you cared enough about your boyfriend to make him your first priority. However, to make a relationship work, it must be as Tony says....equal. By being the only one in this partnership willing to make compromises, you have managed to loose *yourself* somewhere along the way. Find "her" again, and your renewed sense of independence may bring your boyfriend back around. If it doesn't, well at least your already off to a good start learning to live your life without him.

 

Good Luck.

Before my bf of 2 years and I got together I was a very social girl. I went out, partied, and had lots of friends. My bf on the other hand was sort of anti-social. He didn't have any real friends and whenever I convinced him to go out he would hate it and thus the next time I asked if he wanted to go out he didn't want to. Eventually I gave in and just started hanging out with him. I stopped hanging out with my friends and realized I was having a lot more fun with him, it was fun getting to know each other. For two years now we have just been together and loving it. We love each other very much and plan on going to university together next year. So lately he has started hanging out with these guys that used to be close friends of mine. He goes out with them everyday during his spare at school (both him and I also have the same spare) and doesn't come back till after lunch. So he spends about 2 hours with them a day. He is now starting to hang out with them on weekends and I am completely fine with this. I am glad he has friends now. The thing is, is that I think he has more fun with them. I don't get to spend time with him very often, a couple times a week. And for me that is so little compared to 6 or 7 times before. I guess I kinda feel left behind because I don't really have any friends now. My only good friend goes out to bars on the weekend and my bf doesn't want me going there. So what can I do to not let this bother me. I know it's stupid but because i am so used to being with him I feel like I am second on his list, even though he tells me its not like that. What can I do to not think about him all the time and basically get a life again. Sorry this was so long. Any imput would be great.

[Lilly]

Personally I would never stop hanging out or give up my friends and socialising habits for ANY man or any relationship.

 

Falling in love is a magical and powerful experience... so powerful that you made a choice to give up a part of yourself for it. But, as you are finding out, it's a myth that love conquers all, love is not enough to make a relationship work - it also needs compatibility, commitment and a sense of self.

 

It's a hard lesson but I think we've all been there and done that at some point in our lives (I certainly did when I was way younger, once was enough!)... reality is partners will come and go from your life, good friendships wont. They are just as essential, if not more, than partners and not something to be easily squandered.

 

You put yourself, your needs and wants behind and now he is mirroring that part of you back to you by putting you second best AND wanting to control where you go. If you leave you behind, others will too. Hate to say this but you made your own bed, learn from it... as Tony says get some equality back into this relationship, get a sense of you and your life back again by doing your own thing, whether he approves or not.. be true to YOU!.