Can others tell me what steps they took to leave their abusive husbands did you

[brenda829]

kick out the man or did you leave? If I hear how you did it and I may get an idea on how I can do it too, please if it is not too much to ask, what is your story?

[amaysngrace]

I did it!! You know how people say they stay for the kids? Well, I left for mine! And I'm really proud of the fact that I did.

 

It took me lots of planning and time. I think I first sought counsel in Oct '04 but didn't get it just right to leave until March '05. We got divorced in Dec '05.

 

I think the first most important thing to do is seek legal advice. This way you will have comfort in knowing you're doing everything within the law and there is nothing to come back and bite you in the behind later.

 

With a lawyer, you will have the upper-hand because you are being advised on what to do in your case specifically.

 

Do you care to elaborate on your situation?

[brenda829]

I am a 35 year old and have lived with him for a total of 12 years and married almost 7, the past 7 years have been a living hell for me:(

he pushes me around and undermines me in front of my family:(

he kicks me has even spit in my face on occasions almost daily I hear that I am no good for nothing pice of garbage and he calls me names like bitch, c*nt,whore the list goes on. Everything I do is wrong in his eyes, the other day in front of my 6 year old daughter he called me a fat f*cking pig:(:( this just tears my heart.

on his paydays he will give me a $100.00 and the rest he will go and waste it all at the casino, I have not seen him give me money to buy my daughter clothes:(

He does buy groceries about $150.00 worth. With the money I get the majority of the time I worry about the bills.

When he comes home he calls me down, he does not bother to ask me about my day just asks where is dinner? and if I am preparing it he will watch how I cook it and if I don't cut the onions the way he likes he calls me down and undermines me, every time our daughter tries to get attention from him he tells her to go away, I wish he only knew what he is doing to her. I can't sit and watch him treat me and my little girl like dirt anymore.

when I get my period I am told that I am dirty, but this is how

God has made me. I am sorry as I am typing this I have tears streaming down my face because of all the emotions that are running through my mind right now. I pray that someone will help me make a plan on how I can have him leave or how I can get out.................I have pets and they have to go where I go..

[amaysngrace]

I think the first thing you need to do is seek help through your local women's center. They are great at giving you the names and numbers of resources available. They may even be able to hook you up with legal aid.

 

I'd like to commend you on coming this far. A lot of women don't ever come to the realization that what is happening to them is wrong. You have and it is a milestone. Congratulations!

 

You have put your foot down and that means your strength is still intact.

 

I am sorry for what you have been through but am so glad you're on your way!

[Outcast]

Do a search on the Internet on 'domestic violence' and 'safety plan'. You'll find lists of the things to do to get ready to leave.

[brenda829]

everytime I have tried to talk to the crisis units I coward out of it and hang up on them as I hear someone talking on the other end, at times I don't think my marriage is all that bad, maybe I can igonore it and pretend he is non existent and not deal with him and avoid him, but that is only going to hurt me and my daughter:(

because that is delaying me finding my true happiness.

[SoleMate]

Brenda, please just talk to the people at the crisis center. They won't make you do anything. They are there to offer ideas, support and advice. They will totally understand the difficulty you are having in making a final decision to move out of your marriage.

 

As far as practicalities go, once again, they will have great advice. They have helped many other people to prepare plans that get them out of bad situations like yours.

 

Just...make sure there is no possibility of your husband hearing what you are doing.

[Craig]

Brenda, please make the call...talk to someone in person like a counselor or advocate, you'll feel 100% better. Please, make the call, I promise you'll be glad you did.

 

 

Here are some links to some decent to good sites re: domestic violence.

 

An inspiring article about leaving your abuser

http://www.justicewomen.com/tips_escape.html

 

Signs of a Battering Personality

http://www.asafeplaceforhelp.org/batteringpersonality.html

 

Domestic Violence and Abuse: Types, Signs, Symptoms, Causes, and Effects

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

 

The cycle of violence

http://www.womaninc.org/res_violence_cycle.html

 

Information on Saftey Plans

http://www.womaninc.org/res_safety.html

http://www.ncadv.org/protectyourself/SafetyPlan_130.html

 

Health Tips for Breaking the Silence on Domestic Violence

http://www.medem.com/medlb/article_detaillb.cfm?article_ID=ZZZC3S12Z8C&sub_cat=349

 

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

http://www.ncadv.org/

 

Cosmetic and Reconstructive Support for Survivors of Domestic Violence

http://www.ncadv.org/programs/CosmeticandReconstructiveSupport_118.html

[brenda829]

do you think that there is any support groups that have women that are going through the same things I am going through? Is there a place I can go to maybe sit at a meeting and here the womans stories and how they struggled to get out? I live in canada in between regina and prince albert saskatchewan. There is a university of saskatchewan here and a university hospital( where am I)?

Does anyone know of any places that can help a woman in my situation? A support group I think I would be comfortable in attending?

[Outcast]

Call the women's centre and ask those people. They will have all the information on local resources.

[Craig]

Brenda, please--I know how you feel, the first call is the hardest to make but after that getting the help you need gets easier and easier. Call these people, make an appointment to see an advocate or counselor. Do it as soon as possible, I'm sure they have the answers you are looking for. They have support groups for abused women offered throughout the year.

 

Family Support Centre, Saskatoon

Address: 315 Avenue M South

City/Town: Saskatoon, Saskatchewan

Postal Code: S7K 2H6

 

Phone: (306) 933-7751

Fax: (306) 933-5665

E-mail: No

Website: http://www.dcre.gov.sk.ca

 

Hours and days of operation: 8:00am to 5:00pm, Monday to Friday

 

Best wishes,

 

Craig

[Craig]

Brenda, I've been doing a little research for you regarding leaving your abusive husband and what I have found is that you may be entitled to additional financial benefits from the Province to help you get out and into a residence separate from your husband. Your DV counselor will be able to assist you with these but the link to the Financial Benefits Summary is

 

http://www3.gov.ab.ca/hre/isp/publications/pdf/isp_ratesheet.pdf

 

on page 2,

 

Escaping Violence Benefit

For individuals leaving an abusive spouse or partner who need to establish a

residence in the community.

Rate: $1,000

Code 1849

[Craig]

Leaving An Abusive Spouse (Saskatechewan specific)

http://www.lib.sk.ca/booksinfo/WesternProducer/1997/wp970206.html

 

Leaving an Abusive Spouse

http://marriage.families.com/blog/leaving-an-abusive-spouse

[paperdoll]

Oh Brenda,

My heart goes out to you. I just went though the same thing. You have to either get out of there, or get him out of there. You said he is at the casino, I live in Las Vegas if you care to call me you can reach me at my email and I will give you my phone number [email protected]

 

He is going to break you like a horse if he hasn't already. You really need to get rid of him. My husband called me names too and he almost destroyed me. Just like any bad habit, it is hard to break and even bad men can be hard to break the habit from. I know it was for me, I kept waiting for a miracle and he turn into the prince I married instead of the devil I had ended up with.

 

You are going though terrible abuse and you need to get away. I doubt he will go though any type of counseling. If he will do it, or get out of that situation before something worse happens.

 

Call me,

Jeani

[Becoming]

I offer prayers for your wisdom and courage and your daughter's protection.

 

I see a brave woman here who already has the wisdom she needs, so I ask that those reserves deep within her be opened up to her as she does what needs to be done in the days ahead. May Your light illumine her path through dark valleys where shadows of fear loom large. May You send angels to guide and comfort her. Set Your shield of protection around her and her daughter that no harm mar them anymore. Amen.

[brenda829]

The thing that scares me the most is what happens if I tell a counseller what I am going through and they turn over to social services and take my little girl away. I have heard that social services do take children away in certain crisis, and this is one of my greatest fears would be losing my daughter because of the bad marriage I am in.

[Outcast]

They won't do that. They'll get you BOTH to safety. Quit watching American TV!

[magichands]

They won't do that. They'll get you BOTH to safety. Quit watching American TV!

 

Yeah. I would think anyone could see that the last thing your daughter needs is to be separated from you!

[brenda829]

That would tear me apart is losing my child, she is all I have and means the world to me:) A true blessing from God. I have known a friend from my past that knew someone that was going through the same thing as I am going through and they reached out for help, the next thing you knew social services was knocking on her door, and grasping the children from that poor mom that was seeking refuge for her and her children away from her abusive husband, this was not in america it was canada:(

 

[magichands]

One thing at a time. Surely you do not want things to continue as they are?

 

Your daughter will always be YOUR daughter.

[Outcast]

You don't know the whole story. This was one of those 'friend who knows a friend who knows a friend' tales that you never hear the whole truth of. Please don't believe every horror tale somebody tells you. They have their own agendas. Trust me, they will not come and hunt you down if you simply make a phone call and ask some questions. The will not come hunt you down at all.

 

You seem to be very panicky about everything. I know you are in a difficult situation, but panicking will not help you or your children at all. And you don't have to type in bold - even that sounds panicky.

 

Call the women's shelter tomorrow. You must do it. Your family is in danger and you need to get a grip and do what needs to be done.

[brenda829]

ooooops I was not stating anything by using bold letters it is just that I am having a hard time seeing the words that I am typing I am not panicking maybe it seems as tho I am but I am not I do know what I have to do and wish that I would not be judged the wrong way for the way I am feeling right now I am just asking for advice and some type of direction.

[brenda829]

I am sorry if I worded that wrong:) I really apppreciate all the great advice I am getting from each of you wonderful people, I don't know where else I would turn if there was no such forum as you:)

[Craig]

Brenda, they aren't going to take your daughter away. In fact you don't have to give them your real name or a phone number or any other identifying information if you don't want to.

 

Make the call, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain for you and your daughter.

[brenda829]

I will I just need a little courage and strength. Just to pick up the phone sounds easier said then done:(

I have tried that numerous of times only to hang up on a voice on the other end of the telephone. I pray that Our Father in heaven helps me out with this one.....