Need some tips

[sylviaguardian]

After 2 years of going insane and spending 80% of my time feeling miserable, I have decided that it's time for me to call it quits on my marriage. I really, really wanted it to work and I have tried so hard over the last two years but I believe 100% that I will never get the whole truth out of my husband and am starting to suspect that he is still seeing the OW. Part of me doesn't even care anymore. I just know I can't spend the rest of my life worrying and wondering.

 

So I am thinking of a separation after the summer and I need lots of practical advice so I can plan and not freak out.

 

First of all when should I tell the children? Before he has found somewhere to stay or after? My daughter starts a new school year in August. Should we wait until she is settled in? What do I tell them? How can I expect them to be?

 

Has anyone ever done a friendly divorce - you know when you agree things between yourself, rather than have lawyers battle it out. Does anyone have knowledge of UK divorce law?

 

I also need tips on emotional coping. For those whose kids go to the WS every second weekend or whatever, how do you cope without them? The majority of my friends are married with kids and I'm afraid that I'm going to be sitting around getting miserable. What do you do with the kids when you have them? Again, I don't know any single parents and I think it might be a bit wierd to go out with other couples.What do you do for vacations as a single parent?

 

Any advice would be welcome. I am trying to get things that worry me sorted out in my head so I don't get so freaked out that I can't go through with it.

 

Sylvia

[Trimmer]

Hey, Sylvia -

 

I don't have much time right now (I'm trying this new thing at work... it's called "working"), but I wanted to touch base. If I'm brief now, I will talk to you more later, I promise...

 

With the kids, how old are they? Have they been aware of any of the stuff the two of you have been working on, or will this be completely new to them? When you say your daughter is starting a new school - will she still be living at home, though? My general suggestion is to let them in on it before any obvious changes happen (like someone moving out.) The revelation is going to be disturbing and difficult either way, but by telling them first, you give them some ownership of it and you tell them that they are important and you are thinking of them in the process, instead of having the moving out coming out of the blue, being a confusing mystery, and then they find out about it later, as if they weren't important enough to include earlier. Now, this is just a general thought process - I'd like to know how old they are and how much, if anything they know already...

 

I always repost this link to my earlier thread - not out of ego that it was "my thread", but because I got some very good advice and support from the kind folks around here when I had these questions about telling the kids. Even this long after, I still tear up as I read back over it. Just one person's experience, but it's a starting point. Go check that out, and then ask (PM if you want) if that brings up anything for further discussion.

 

Friendly divorce? Well, I'm not done yet, but I think it's possible - it's still my goal, and I haven't seen any insurmountable obstacles yet. My main technique is to remember that I am no longer a husband, lover, or even particularly a friend (although I try to remain "friendly"), but that it is still important to be a good co-parent and a sensible and trustworthy business partner (in resolving our real estate stuff). If I try to remember which of these roles ARE important, and which of these roles SHOULD NOT BE important, it helps me in chosing how I act, and just as important, how I should or should not RE-act to various situations.

 

Anyway, as far as the logistics - I'm in the US, and over here, marriage and divorce law is different in each of the 50 states. In my state, it works out that if you can come to mutual agreement on everything, the court will pretty much accept it as-is (I believe they do take a more careful look at the "parenting plan" and child support agreement, to ensure that it meets certain basic guidelines...) This is what we plan to do, however, we did both go and have consultations with attorneys to educate ourselves about the process for our state. This way we both feel knowledgeable and confident that we can move forward without a lot of uncertainty. So I think that even if you are planning a "friendly" divorce, consulting an attorney for educational purposes might still be wise for both partners. When I was preparing to do this, I was very open about it with my wife, and encouraged her to do the same, which she did...

 

As far as the kids, suffice it to say that given the choice, I would never have wanted my kids to go through this, HOWEVER, I believe that they continue to be safe, healthy, loved and emotionally supported by both parents. I feel my bond with them is as strong as it has ever been - perhaps even with a new dimension opened up by their need to share their experience of this process. We have a 50/50 arrangement with the kids (we swap on Wednesday afternoon, and then back on either Saturday or Sunday afternoon on alternate weekends. This gives each of us 7 days out of each 2 weeks); I do get lonely sometimes without them around, but I also value that time to myself (and I try not to feel guilty about it - still working on that one a little bit.) Don't be afraid to try using that time for something new or different, or just to pamper yourself. I'm checking out an adult-education class at a local college in a kind of an odd (for me...) art subject that looks interesting to me, and it looks like it will happen during the time my wife has the kids each week... A total departure for me.

 

I don't know that I have a lot more specifics for you right now, but I will say that when this whole thing started, I was terrified - terrified - about the kids and my ability to be a single parent, as my image of myself as "father" had always been directly linked with my identity as "husband." Pretty quickly, I found that I was going to be OK, and not only OK, but pretty decent, actually. I now associate my role as father with my identity as "myself", and feeling like I'm going to be OK.

[Mz. Pixie]

Trimmer had some great tips.

 

I'd echo- make it about you guys not getting along and not about your H's infidelity. That's not something they need to know at this point. Later on when they are older if you want you could tell them but don't make this about mom vs dad as far as the kids go. I told my kids my exh and I weren't getting along and had decided to live separately but that it wasn't their fault- we both loved them very much- and that we were going to work it out so that they could have equal time with each person.

 

I can still see both of their faces crumple and them start to cry when I close my eyes. That's a huge regret I have about the divorce, how much it hurt them.

 

They have not cried alot since that first time that I know of. At first they said things about mommy and daddy kissing etc- especially my youngest one- who was three and a half when we separated. I've always maintained to them that I'll always love their dad- no matter what- because I don't want them to think love is something that can be lost. For example "Mommy stopped loving daddy- does that mean she'll stop loving me too?" I've also

passed on opportunities to bash him when they bring up something negative to me about him. That part is hard because I know he wouldn't do the same for me.

 

Split custody is hard at first. Terrible. You do get used to it. Perhaps you guys can work out a good schedule so you each can have them whenever you want. We kind of do that too. If the kids have something going on in his area (we're 40 minutes apart) I let them stay with him and vice versa. We're flexible on that and each of us have one day in the other person's week to have the kids.

 

Still, the first night they are gone after they have been with me is hard. It's also hard feeling like I'm not involved in their day to day life EVERYDAY. I feel that I miss out on stuff. I didn't think about all of that when I divorced. I just wanted to run and get out.

 

They know they can call me anytime and I call then probably every other day when they are with him. I have insisted on having both of them when they have been really sick and he's of course let me.

 

I practically raised them on my own because he was gone all the time pursuing his hobbies so it was particularly hard for me. I do feel though that this has given me time to do things for myself that I never got to do before.

[sylviaguardian]

Thanks Trimmer,

 

I am trying that 'work' thing myself too..It's good to hear you are still around.

 

My kids are 7 and 4 and have no clue what is happening. I know it's going to be difficult telling them, which is what makes this so hard...everything else I think I can handle. I didn't mean that my daughter is going to a new school, just that she starts the new school year soon and I don't know whether it is better to wait until she's settled in with the teacher etc before blasting her with this. You are right I need to let them know sooner, rather than later...it's just when you and Ms. P talk about seeing their faces...I can already picture it.

 

I had to laugh when I re-read my words about a 'friendly divorce'. Who am I kidding? The truth is that I am so angry inside that my husband has just 'pissed it all away' (to quote a friend) but you make a very valid comment. I have to stop thinking of him as a husband, friend or whatever and just think of him as a co-parent now. Thanks for that. We are still going on vacation because it was booked and we can't cancel it, so I will try to remember that when I am away. Hopefully, it will make it easier and I might think about thumping him less! Actually, now you say that, it makes me think. I am usually the one who gets angry/upset etc. Maybe my husband no longer sees me as his wife/friend etc? Makes you think...

 

I haven't really done anything about the logistics yet (that will be nightmare nr 2) but I am going to see a lawyer in a couple of weeks. I need to do that.

 

Thanks for saying that your kids seem alright - I needed to hear that. I keep telling myself that they are young and they don't know what is going on but when they are older they will see it and think that is how a relationship works. I don't want that. I want them to think that marriage is about love, fun, companionship etc not two people doing their own thing.

 

I think I will be OK filling my time when I'm alone but I just can't imagine not being the one who looks after them. It's a scary thought. When my h has had them for a few days he usually lets them watch tv while he works:( I find that kind of thing hard.

 

Trimmer - you sound like you are doing so well. I feel a bit more positive. Every morning when I wake up I get this feeling of dread, but it kind of goes away as the day goes on and I tell myself that this is the only option now. Good luck with the art classes - sounds like fun!

 

S

[sylviaguardian]

Ah Ms P - one of my other favourite people!

 

So many other good tips. I will resist the urge to 'bash'.I haven't done it so far but I can see how tempting it might be if things get really sour. But having been on the receiving end of it as a child, that might be enough motivation for me to bite my tongue.

 

A flexible split schedule sounds great in theory but I think I might prefer to know what I am doing in advance. It's easier to plan stuff. I totally agree with you about looking after them when they are sick. My husband was never good around that sort of thing anyway so I don't think he'd complain. These are things that I'd never really thought of though...I haven't got past worrying that they will be fed junk food for half the week;)

 

I need to think about the logistics a bit more I think. Some lovely food for thought for me when I am lying by the pool:( ....infidelity and divorce is just so much fun...

 

s

[Mz. Pixie]

Ah Ms P - one of my other favourite people!

 

 

Boy, I take that as a compliment- especially considering I've been a OW and you've been a BS!

 

I echo that there is no such thing as a friendly divorce. The thing is, I never thought that I was entitled to anything- because I was the one who stepped out of the marriage. So, these cheating spouses that push for stuff well that's just foreign to me. That's the price you pay when you play!

 

I take it that right now, he's just sitting there thinking everything is hunky dorey?

 

Yeah, the faces hurt. I still say though like Dr. Phil- that they would rather be with divorced parents than parents who aren't getting along. Don't kid yourself, they pick up on subtle clues you wouldn't think that they would.

 

You've done the work and hung around. No one can fault you for leaving. At least you did the work, and you can respect yourself for that later.

 

I'm sane now, mostly, when I wouldn't have been if I stayed. I have to console myself with that fact that they need a sane mom.

 

No one in life called you to be a total martyr for your kids. Yes, you put them first, and you have. But at some point what's not good for you is not good for them in the long run. Do I make sense in this??

 

My kids are doing very well considering. My oldest had a few issues in school this last year but the teacher was really a witch too- honest! So I can't say how much of that is the divorce. The kids really do want you to be happy- and sure they would prefer it to be with their dad- but if not they want you to be happy.

 

We do have a set schedule. But we both can request changes at any time if we want to. That's helpful for trips or things. For instance, my son has a camp this week that he wanted to take him to- and it's my week. Well I wouldn't want him to miss out on camp- so I okayed that. That kind of stuff is what I'm talking about.

[veronese]

Hi darling,

 

You know I'm as clueless as you when it comes to this subject, but a friend of mine has been through it and a couple of things she said during the separation/divorce stuck in my head.

 

1. She knew that their daughters would forever link them together but she said she underestimated how strong the bond having their girls together remained post separation.

 

2. About 8 months after her decision to call it a day (he'd cheated once, she was prepared to work things through, then 3 months later he was at it again) she said she kept thinking she shouldn't have given up so soon. They'd shared a happy new years eve together with the kids and she said it hurt like hell.

 

3. Although she doesn't want him back (he's been a complete wanker throughout the break up) seeing him with other women sticks in her throat a bit, especially when there have been so many and they keep getting younger (The latest one is 24, he's late 40's).

 

She's been really disappointed that he turned out such a prat, but also frets a lot about the girls meeting one after another (he's not discrete or mature about them) and my friend has no way of knowing what his girlfriend(s) are like or how they treat the children.

 

4. She said about 2 years in that being divorced was a hell of a lot harder than being married.

 

Don't do anything rash Sylv, use the holiday to unwind and relax. I'll PM you soon

 

Love Veron xxxxx

[SoleMate]

Sylvia, whatever you decide, you'll always know that you did your best to save your marriage. You put two good, hard years into under very difficult circumstances.

 

First of all when should I tell the children? Before he has found somewhere to stay or after? My daughter starts a new school year in August. Should we wait until she is settled in?

Usually the advice is to wait until just a day or so before he moves out. That "lame duck" period will be very awkward for everyone. In your daughter's case, I'd be tempted to have him move out BEFORE school starts, so school can be like a new beginning for her. Particularly if she is a good student and school is a pretty comfortable environment for her. It may start to seem like a refuge.

 

What do I tell them? How can I expect them to be?

The advice usually is to have the parents together and tell the kids that you have tried your best, but have decided that you just can't stay married anymore. My H wouldn't join me to tell my kids, so I gave them the above speech myself. I cried - they blooked blank and then shrugged. Then turned and start watching TV. They have not shown any overt sadness about the divorce, ever. Just matter of factness. They're still learning how to feel. (It's been two years.)

 

There are lots of good, practical books about divorce that have a child-centered perspective. I was a major consumer as I navigated each unfamiliar step on this road. I recommend looking at the bookstore and finding something with a compassionate, constructive approach.

[ThumbingMyWay]

dam Syl

 

I missed this thread.

 

dont have any advice for ya.....all I can say is I support you and I understand your decision.

 

take care of your self and PM anytime OK

[whichwayisup]

Syl, sorry that it hasn't worked out, but you worked your tail off trying to make it go of it! Don't ever feel bad about it, k. I really respect you and your strength!

 

All I can suggest to you is, put your kids first, always. Keep any bad stuff, fighting or disagreements away from them. Make them feel loved, special and definately make sure they understand that NONE of what has happened is their fault. Though, I'm sure you've told them that already.

 

I don't have much advice, but I know just from what you've posted about - I think you'll find yourself happier and less stressed.

 

There isn't any reason why you two can't have a friendly friendship. Keep it on the straight and narrow - Let the past be in the past. Many people who end up divorced have better friendships with their spouse than before.

[veronese]

How did the holiday go? Any developments?

 

Am seriously restricted with access to the internet at the moment but don't think I've forgotten you.

 

Things here pretty much the same as things with you....makes you wonder if it's worth it.

 

Told him the other day that I'm sad he hasn't bothered doing any of the very easy things I told him I really need in our relationship to make me happy (which hadn't been happening prior to DDay) and that I know he'll never care enough to worry about losing me.

 

I mentioned that I'll probably end up having an affair and guess what he said?

 

"You say that but I know you would never do that."

 

Oh yeah? Don't bank on it matey!!

 

Hugs and love to you Sylv, keep in touch.

 

Veron xxxxx