How crazy am I, and how do I get back to normal?

[jgcampbell300]

This could be a long one. If I dont tell you the whole story then well you know the rest, so im sorry in advance for the length of this.

 

Ok, this starts about a year ago. I am playing cards at a local bar. when a girl walks in with one of my old friends and sits down to play. He introduces her and I am interested right off. So we play cards for a while and get pretty tipsy. during the night she has shot down everything I have to say to her. It gets late so i go home. this is the first meeting.

 

The next time i saw her was at another card game at another bar. This time is alot diffrent as I had been out partying all night with some friends and did not feel well at all. She trys to talk to me a few times and i am like what ever just play already. nothing that rude but well you get the point. anyways after a bit i am just sick of playing so i go all in on a hand that just couldnt win. well i win the next 4 hands, but finaly i lost so i got up and left not even saying good by to her but responding to the people i knew, and thats where it gets a bit interesting.

 

Come to find out she stalked me for about 2 or 3 weeks. Not knowing I dont realy go out to the bars/clubs much. she was going to the places i hung out almost every night draging her friends around babbeling about me. anyways it gets to much for her so she some how gets one of the bartenders to call me. then gets my number and starts txting me. im ok with this but didnt know who it was so i did not show much interest at all. she says i was down right rude. well i geuss i was a bit. so after a while she is in one of my fathers bars and runs in to him and starts asking about me. most of the males in my family are very direct and strait to the point, as he calls me and tells me theres a girl up here looking for me and she has nice hooters or something like that. At this point im pretty tired but go up there anyways, and we hit it off. her friends hate me right off witch is normal one of them we think is gay and maybe even jelous or something dont know. so were dating now and everything is going well ok kina. The way she was acting made it seem like she was a slut just wanting some cock. so thats how i treated her.

 

after a while we got a bit closer but not much. Lots of freaky sex and booz. well basicly me, her, and a guy i knew were hanging out all the time. we all got along so i thought. well i started feeling a bit more for this girl and well we got in a fight and she told me how things whernt how she wanted them and that person just wasnt her (the slut). I told her after starting to see this person for more than that, exactly how i felt. we then started dating more stedly. well i dont even rember what happend its been a while but we got in another fight later down the road and wound up breaking up. come to find out that the other guy and her were hanging out and well i never figgured this one out becouse one of them is a very good lier and minipulator. but anyways we got back to gather few weeks down the road, and the guy had told me she gave him oral sex. i ask her and she says no. then all these storys about me that wernt true were told to her by this guy. so anyways i get to the point i cant take it all the lies going back and forth and dont know who to bleave and i get them both in my appartment and question them. well they sit back and lied back and forth to each other so perfictly i didnt know who to bleave. well at this point everyone is out of smokes and im like well this woulnt get us anywhere. so i tell them lets all get in the truck and go get smokes. and off we go to the store what i didnt tell them was after we got smokes i was going to take them on a little ride (psyco ride) i usto race in the country with my friends and most people would say its crazy well long story short I got the truth out of them at 120Mph she did do it and she lied strait to my face about it and she says it was just for a min and it made her puke. this in its self has got to be a lie. she is very very very good at it and loves the tast of it as she has told me several times.

so well trust gone. she vowes to never lie to me as i have told her in the past i can deal with just about anything but lieing. there are a few things that lead up to my paranoia. like some very dirty pix of us that i know for a fact that she couldnt have i destroyed them but they were on my computer and on a cd befor i destroyed them. anyways like i said paranoia. we worked things out and seemed to be haveing a great time we went out to vagus to see her parents. umm the dad she hates is crazy paranoid the mom does alot to make him paranoid but its not all her. the guy seems to be a hmm prick. her mom comes back with us from vagus kuz of a fight and there we are now we have mom and sister there every 3 min of the day. some where after vagus i told her i wanted to move in togather witch we did and her three kids witch i like those kids there cool kids most of the time and i dont realy like kids but back to the story.

 

at this point i have dug throu her computer and phone a few times and shes not makeing a big deal of it but like with any paranoid person when somone enables you well your gona do it more. it got pretty bad accualy to the point where i thought she was typing behind my back about what i dont know lol it all sounds stupid to me now but still I was acting like a realy dick at times. she tryed realy hard to just get out of the way and let me but it pissed her off. all the phone and computer diging. i am sure if something was going on i would have known. I am pretty good at diging. so by this point she knows that i have trust issues with her and we have talked alittle bit but where both very stuborn. one day she comes to me and says her and some of her friends at this new job are thinking of haveing a girls night out, and wanted to know if I would flip out. Well I told her i dont know and that the best i would do is try not to. so she says she will not go. then right befor its time to go she says i think i wana go witch i expeced. she told me she would call me alot or something and she did all night. txt messages and calls from the bathroom. I was very paranoid after the first txt message becouse this girls night off went from 3 girls going out to 4 or 5 girlsgoing out 2 gay guys from what she told me and well who ever else was there she didnt want to make me paranoid about. well the simiple fact of this is girls night out has no swinging balls.

so the night is almost over its about 11 and she says i should just come up there or meet them at another bar i go to alot. well i sit around waiting on them to call or something or make up there minds etc till about 12.30 and head up to the bar i hang out at. at this point i couldnt go in there still down there at there place not knowing one way or other so anyways i just drove down there and wouldnt ya know after not getting a responce for about 15 min im almost there and she calls. i talk to her she finds out im almost there and flips out. all this is a bit fuzzy but needless tosay I messed up. all the way down there and she comes out front and gets in the truck and begins to tell me how she cant take it any more. i see a girl come out looking for her then i see a guy come out looking for her and she says just take her home. i asked her to let her friend that she rode with know that she was leaveing and she declined so we left. I should have went in my self just to settle my own mind. but anyways that was the night it was over.

 

I move out. she starts partying with her new found friends a lot. i go strait to depreshion. one night she txts me saying she wants to screw we do. we start talking a bit she just wants to be friends till i get my head strait. well this situation is just not working for me or her we wind up getting into another fight finaly we break it off again. I have been researching my problams and finding a lot of usfull info to help me, and it seems to be working. You know paranoia is not fixed in one night tho.

 

well this is getting very long now even thou i have tryed to condence some of it ill just say this. where back to gather again and this time i dont dig throu her computer or phone but still see alot of small things that could be consitered well odd.

 

The old me would have sit back and thought about it and problaby came to the decision to ditch her and get on with my life long ago, but I have never in my life been as happy as I am when im with her. she clames to love me with out end and that we where 90% good all the time but she could not take the 10% of bad.

 

This is my problam. I am the kind of person that can deal with just about anything except a lier or somone that talks about you behind your back. i hate those types. and i just dont know how im going to trust her. I want to so bad. It dosnt matter what she has done or will do just as long as its the truth when it comes out and its not hidden from me, but from all of our other experinces I cant help but to look.

 

A lot of my paranoia comes from past relationships where i know 100% that somone has cheated on me and stood there and lied to my face about it like she did with the well we call it the detour (road trip). what do i do. I want this one everything about this girl is for me, but she is smart enouf to pull off deception and apparently willing to do it. I have to have trust. can anyone here point out a way to reach this point?

 

sorry again for the lenght of this and the bad grammer/spelling

[JadeStar]

I'm sorry, but it just sounds like way to much drama. You don't trust her, you are paranoid about things she does etc, wheather she has given you reason or not. IMO,I think you need to decide what you feel is best for you to do. I really wouldn't want to stay in a situation where I couldn't trust someone, was paranoid,etc. It just seems unhealthy.

 

 

 

 

Jade

[jgcampbell300]

Hmm... You may be right. I hate drama, and this is one of the most dramatic people I have ever met. Wonder why she makes me so happy when where togather?

[purspeed]

She makes you happy because of the uncertainty. It's stimulating to you not knowing the next move that she'll make. It's a never-ending chase.

 

But, it can only end one way, in failure. How painful this will be will depend on how deeply involved you choose to get.

 

Helen didn't do much good to Troy.

[Nice Guy21]

That sounds a lot like my situation.

[megnog]

ok first of all, not to be a bitch, but you really botched your spelling in ALL your words.

 

sorry

 

it just kind of bothered me:p

 

anyway

 

 

yeah, you have paranoia and yeah you can't trust her. this combination will NEVER EVER work. if you want to waste some of your life and date her and not get serious, fine - whatever. but shes not someone you could ever get serious with without having some serious problems.

just remember- shes not the only girl that can make you happy.

plus, another thing, starting off a relationship where its more or less just f*** buddies is never a good way to start it off. at least, it never ends well.

[Guest]

interesting......so when she blew the other guy were you guys together? dating? involved in any way? were you even talking to her at that point? and also just to get the idea of you extent of crazy, can you give us any examples of the types of things you have done while in this relationship?

[jgcampbell300]

ok its been a while since I posted here. the day after I posted here we talked and well for some reason i cant hold any information from her. I am just a drama queen i geuss i dont know i didnt want to tell her but I did with out thinking. god im a dumb ass that last guest post was problaby her.

 

Ok. I know now that it really does not matter what she did in the past. she sucked a guy off big deal. we were not togather and she was free to do what ever she wanted. I have seen a few things that I just dont like and make me not want to trust her, but in the mean time I am destroying my life by obsessing over her. I have had a ton of relationships that end like this (being ****ed around on). I would say that 90% of them I have seen it with my own eyes or they have flatout told me when they broke up with me. I have also been talking to some of my family and learned that my parents are ****ed up just like this. My mom thinknig my dad was out doing **** and well he might have been no one knows him thinking she is doing ****. that lasted like 30 years so im sure i picked up a little bit of unhealthy **** there to. the last girlfriend i had problaby didnt do anything it was problaby all me. im almost sure of this. but still my head will not let me trust anyone. im so afraid of getting ****ed around again and feeling the pain that i am bringing on my self i think i may be just reaching for the pain to get it over with.

 

Man I have no idea. I have tryed thinking about what I could do to fix it and come up with alot of things, but non of them i would really care for but I am going to have to start somewhere and just dont know what to do. I am also afraid if I do fix it then I will be somone else and not want this girl that I want now so badly but would that be bad or good. hell its all confusing to me.

 

one way would be to go get a surgary or how ever you spell it to have my baby makers taken off maybe that will change my out look and i just woulnt care.

 

nother way is see a shrink witch i dont realy have the money to do and I would problaby just do something stupid like minipulate the situation to what i want to here or get pissed off when i cant. agian i dont know

 

I could just give up sex and wemon all togather. become a monk or something.

 

damn it we have been broke up again for a bout a week now she has already went out made out with a guy and im sitting here thinking that she problaby went out tonight and is home ****ing someone. even thou it is non of my buissness and I should not be thinking about it at all. I know that i have driven her away but she is always in my head. I just want to be normal and make her happy so i can befree to love her with out her looking at me like when are you going to flip out next.

 

how do i change something that i have learned all my life, experianced all my life, and is so programed into my head that i dont know what to do any more. I guess i could just shoot my self but why what would be the point. It is times like this that i wish i bleaved in hell.

 

Oh well maybe someone out there will have an answer for me, or maybe there is just no answer and I have to stay alown the rest of my days. I really do want to get married and have kids, but how can a guy like me do something like that with this crazy **** in my head. I dont want any kid to learn this ****ed up ****. So basicly untill i can find a way to fix my self my life remains perfictly ****ing usless.

 

and I dont spell well at all. do you think i dont know this. I have been working on it and would like to thank you for pointing that out and makeing me feel that much more ****ed up.

[Guest]

"i think i may be just reaching for the pain to get it over with" that sounds about right. Also, The connection you see between your sexual needs and your paranoia, is a little disturbing. I think this could be part of the problem that a therapist could help you with. What connection is there and why?

[Guest]

ya i cant find my password on this computer but ya. alot of my problam lies here i think. I am an anal feend. this dosnt bother me any more becouse i have been trying to answer a questiion thats been bothering me. am i gay. I dont think i am gay becouse i am not attracted to men. there are some issues liek useing dildos to plesure my self whem i am mastorbateing yes. and when this x found out about it she ssemd to be fasanated and wanted to watch and join in.

 

So i let her strapon and go at my well you know. this i liked i just cant picture a guy back there. i am not attracted to men. I have thought about this alot trying to figgure out what is going on with the convorsations we usto have. befor this girl i never gave it a whole lot of thoght. every once and a while i would debate if sticking things in my *** made me gay. i always decided no it just makes it feel much better. read a bit on it and there are nerves that run around that area that directly affect a orgasam. so im ok with that.

 

something that bothers me is this. after she started in on the anal action there were several fanticys she would tell me about. being raped, boned in public, tied up and anal, anal with in its self came out befor i let her play in that area. and a few more then there was one odd one she wanted to watch two guys do it, tie me up and watch her and nother girl go at it and her a gril and guy go at it etc you get where those are going. well one night we are out at the bar decide to go home ealry i dont know how the convo started but wound up on sex and most of the way home im thinking no way i am going to let her tie me up and rape mefrom behind. after talking a while there were alot of back and forths and finaly something clicked in my head **** it, if that would make her happy i could do that. she lets me have anal sex with her why not. so we went to crysties and bought like 100 bucks worth of stuff .. blind folds a smaller dildo kuz mine was pretty big and it hurts whips ties etc you get the point. some very embarising stuff.

 

anyways i let her do anything she wanted that night. every since then it has kina gone down hill it seems like she would get to do anything she wanted and if she was in the mood i may get a tast of what i wanted. and one night she is grabing my butt cheaks and spreading them like she is thinking of a guy or girl behind me ****ing me while im ****ing her. i asked her about it and she said she was visualizing a guy behind me and i asked her who and she wouldnt tell so i started guessing and i hit her ex and she got very pissed off. madd for days. i think i might have been right. or that was just really bad witch i knwo it was but still. anyways this is about as embarised as i can get for one night.

 

just wanted to add that kuz i think it has alot to do with my problams. you know **** it i enjoy alot of kinky sex.

 

well theres a missing link of the story if i think of another ill post it

[jgcampbell300]

ya i cant find my password on this computer but ya. alot of my problam lies here i think. I am an anal feend. this dosnt bother me any more becouse i have been trying to answer a questiion thats been bothering me. am i gay. I dont think i am gay becouse i am not attracted to men. there are some issues liek useing dildos to plesure my self whem i am mastorbateing yes. and when this x found out about it she ssemd to be fasanated and wanted to watch and join in. so i let her strapon and go at my well you know. this i liked i just cant picture a guy back there. i am not attracted to men. I have thought about this alot trying to figgure out what is going on with the convorsations we usto have. befor this girl i never gave it a whole lot of thoght. every once and a while i would debate if sticking things in my *** made me gay. i always decided no it just makes it feel much better. read a bit on it and there are nerves that run around that area that directly affect a orgasam. so im ok with that.

something that bothers me is this. after she started in on the anal action there were several fanticys she would tell me about. being raped, boned in public, tied up and anal, anal with in its self came out befor i let her play in that area. and a few more then there was one odd one she wanted to watch two guys do it, tie me up and watch her and nother girl go at it and her a gril and guy go at it etc you get where those are going. well one night we are out at the bar decide to go home ealry i dont know how the convo started but wound up on sex and most of the way home im thinking no way i am going to let her tie me up and rape mefrom behind. after talking a while there were alot of back and forths and finaly something clicked in my head **** it, if that would make her happy i could do that. she lets me have anal sex with her why not. so we went to crysties and bought like 100 bucks worth of stuff .. blind folds a smaller dildo kuz mine was pretty big and it hurts whips ties etc you get the point. some very embarising stuff. anyways i let her do anything she wanted that night. every since then it has kina gone down hill it seems like she would get to do anything she wanted and if she was in the mood i may get a tast of what i wanted. and one night she is grabing my butt cheaks and spreading them like she is thinking of a guy or girl behind me ****ing me while im ****ing her. i asked her about it and she said she was visualizing a guy behind me and i asked her who and she wouldnt tell so i started guessing and i hit her ex and she got very pissed off. madd for days. i think i might have been right. or that was just really bad witch i knwo it was but still. anyways this is about as embarised as i can get for one night.

just wanted to add that kuz i think it has alot to do with my problams. you know **** it i enjoy alot of kinky sex.

well theres a missing link of the story if i think of another ill post it

[jgcampbell300]

heres a good question. where do i find a therapist. im pretty broke these days and dought i could afford it.