was I being too "mean", or is he the jerk?

[tkgirl]

I've been in this strange relationship with a guy for a little while now. One of those friends plus or minus deals... i.e. a "casual" thing. Well, I really liked this guy, there was something different about him. He was definitely his own person, something I really admired about him. He was also really fun, but just not "boyfriend" material (too flaky etc) So we hung out, had some good times together, but last week I decided that I wasn't liking the casual thing we were doing together anymore (sex with no strings, basically) I told him that I did like him and wanted us to be friends, but that I wasn't going to sleep with him anymore. He seemed a little shocked, but I thought he understood. He even said he'd call me the next day, but alas...he did not. And right there, that pisses me off....that he hasn't called. I did go out of town for a few days to go snowboarding (and I even invited him to go with me!) but now I'm back and still no phone call. Should I call him...did I hurt his feelings? Or is he just a jerk that I'm better off without? Tony? anybody? Thanks!

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "Should I call him."

 

Why not? If you value his friendship, you need to see where his head is. If he's still in the friendship-with-benefits mode, then you'll know for sure it's a thing of the past.

 

2. "did I hurt his feelings?"

 

No, you have no power to hurt anybody's feelings. Every individual is in total charge of their own feelings and responds to external stimuli in whatever way they choose.

 

If he has a problem with respecting your wishes and your right to decide who you go to bed with and who you don't, he's not worth being friends with.

 

3. "Or is he just a jerk that I'm better off without?"

 

He sounds like just the normal, run-of-the-mill, ego-filled butthole who's upset because he was getting some nice sex without having to conduct a relationship or having any of the other responsiblities normally involved. You really can't blame him for that. And you need to take some of the responsibility for handing him the situation on a silver platter. He'll get over it.

 

If he doesn't change his attitude, you're better off without him. Chances are excellent he had far greater feelings for you than he was willing or had courage to admit. The absence of phone calls may very well mean he's trying to heal from this ordeal without you knowing just how he felt. Of course, he may be angry or upset as you suspect. People are very complicated. Give him the benefit of the doubt at this point and then see how things play out.

 

4. "Tony?"

 

Present!!!

 

5. "anybody?"

 

Sorry, can't speak for anybody else.

 

6. "Thanks!"

 

You are quite welcome.

[tkgirl]

First of all, I want to say thanks Tony! I knew I could count on you! But if I could be so bold as to ask for a just a little bit more advice... re: calling him. I guess I'm just a little apprehensive about it. I really would like to continue a friendship with him, but it's a little harder than it sounds, given our past history. I should have been a little clearer about our "relationship" in my first post. It didn't really start off as friends and moved on from there. It was more like we instantly clicked and were very attracted to each other...hence the beginning of the physical thing (probably too soon) But when we realized that a "real" relationship wasn't going to work between us - for many reasons - I guess we both "settled" for the casual thing. What I am trying to get at is that there were SOME feelings involved...probably more so on my side. And now I'm worried that if I do call him it will seem like I'm chasing him and giving him mixed messages. Even though I'm super positive that I really do want to be just friends now... I'm a mess!

[Tony T]

Give him a call. But let him know you retain your position regarding the friendship. He has to learn that people change, life changes. Life IS change, all the time, every day. This is a learning process for both of you and he's got to learn that most things in life just don't go on forever.

 

Friendship is a very valuable thing. If he hasn't learned that yet, you may have a tough time. But at least you can let him know you're open to that.

 

Again, the real problem here is that he is going to be wanting more from you than you are willing to give right now. It may take some time for him to get used to the fact that things have changed, that you have moved on, and that this transition must take place. You may have to give him some time to process all this because it sounds like his maturity level is not such that he can readily do that.