why does he put himself down?

[sarabee]

I just started dating a guy (we have just been out twice) and I really enjoy being with him. He is very kind and considerate and has a great sense of humor. We have spoken on the phone several times as well. The one thing that bothers me is that when he asks me to do something with him (either go out or just talking on the phone) and I say "yes" he immediately goes into saying something like "oh you must be really desperate or have nothing better to do..." etc.

 

or "I'll give you some time to think about it and come up with an excuse if you want" I really do like spending time with him, we always have a good time or a good conversation together. Is he just that insecure. Everytime I tell him that I like being with him or would like to see him, he replies something like "yeah sure" or "are you really that bored that you want to go out with me?" and he puts himself down other ways too, saying he is ugly, boring, like "talking to a stump" etc... He is none of those things! I really like him. How do I get him to believe that?? Neither of us has dated much and we are both 25, if that has anything to do with it?!

 

I appreciate any input anyone has!! Thanks!!!

[Tony T]

Sounds like he's had a lot of bad luck with women in the past and with his attitude it's no wonder.

 

You need to warn him clearly that while you enjoy his company now, if he keeps putting himself down you will one day believe what he has to say about himself and your friendship/relationship will be in jeopardy. Simply tell him that putting himself down in front of you is absolutely unacceptable.

 

If he needs to go to a psychologist for his low self esteem, so be it. But he needs to learn that until he loves himself, NOBODY is going to be able to fall for him...including you.

 

You may want to get him a good book on self esteem. Nathaniel Branden has written many good books on the subject and there are many others in the self-help section of most good bookstores.

 

You have got to put a halt to this fast. There is simply no way you can be attracted for very long to a man who cares so little for himself. He knows himself best and if he doesn't like himself, why should you?