Clouseau Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 Where do I begin... (draws breath) I'm 24 and I met my fiancee at Uni back in 2000. We became friends and that developed further into a relationship. After a few months together we got engaged. We shared a flat whilst at Uni over our (different 4 year) degree courses. We were soulmates and loved each other dearly, even having set a date of this September to be wed...We knew each other's families and got on well with them all etc etc. To cut a long story short after graduation I was job hunting and she decided to do a PhD at Uni. After a while I worked at a company but It didn't work out. So the job hunting began again. After 1 year my job hunting was not coming to any fruition and getting me down a lot - making me withdrawn and depressed not helped by the fact that I was in a part-time retail job which I could have done without the aid of a degree... Time went on and I began to get neglectful of her. I would work on the computer and rather than spend time with her I'd play computer games. She would be up early for Uni and go to bed early whereas I'd be up later and come to bed late with little motivation for anything. Wedding plans were underway - but she was taking charge of the majority of it all. I gradually became a weaker person and she developed more of a social-life at Uni because of my neglect. She warned me and threatened to leave but I never thought it was as serious as it was - as I couldn't see how I had changed into almost a depressed hermit... Later she warned me for a second time, and I took action and gradually began to change. But it was too slow. This all culminated this May when after I had just had a job interview she told me she was leaving me as she wasn't happy, didn't think I could change fast enough and how she had altered her view on wanting to settle down and have a family, instead wanting to travel the world (something that had been mentioned in the past when we were together which I wasn't supportive of because of the way I was...) We had been together for 6 years constantly - there was never a day where we were not in contact. She must have been heartbroken for the last 7 months seeing my gradual decline. She was my first long term relationship and the love of my life. From her perspective she must have seen me rarely for the last few months - perhaps only properly on the weekends because of the lack of time we spent together even though we lived together. It wasn't until she had gone I had realised what I had done and what I had lost. I sometimes feel that if she had just left for a week or so for a break as it would have cleared my head and realised how much she meant to me and what a state/mess/wreck I had got myself into. It did not end angrily and she said she would always love me and want to remain friends. She came to collect her stuff and we had a big heart to heart and she explained that even If I became the perfect man and changed it wouldn't necessarily make a difference as she wanted to travel the world after her PhD and have absolutely no commitments to anyone so that she would not be tied down in any way. She also 'said never say never', as something may click and we could end up back together after she is ready to settle down. After a time I adopted the NC policy and after 4 days of adopting this rule she MSN'd me asking how I was etc. On the odd day I would MSN her asking how she was but leave the majority of communication from her. On Monday she returned from a holiday in Italy (on her own abroad for the first time). Then on Tues she contacted me asking if I could bring over the final few bits she had left. I always had the idea if we could remain friends maybe who knows... So I met her yesterday with all the stuff - and I felt good about myself as I have been changing... The computer games were cold turkey, I was getting out more, exercising and I was even learning to play the guitar. I felt a better, stronger person... Then I saw her and noticed she had a big hickey on her neck. After a good chat (it went very well) - it was mentioned, and she explained that she had been seeing a guy whom she had been very close friends with whilst we were still together, who worked in her lab. I knew him cos when things were getting bad for us she got drunk one night and ended up kissing him. She felt bad and told me right away which was very brave for her to do. The guy is leaving at the end of August for abroad and she decided to have a bit of fun because they both were not interested in long term relationships and she still has another year of her PhD to go. I didnt show it at the time but all this has devastated me and it feels like i'm back in square 1 again. Im upset and depressed and I don't know whether to remain friends or just cut all ties. I know regardless I must move on but its a question of moving on with her as a friend (and potential partner again) in my life or without her... I know she is a free agent but it just hit me really bad. She was my best friend who I shared all aspects of my life before things went wrong - and at the moment I feel like im going to be alone forever , without love. I miss her so much. I'm sure that my problem is trivial compared to the others on the site but I've never been heartbroken before and I am not coping well... I'm too blame for all of this and I've thrown away the one thing in my life I cared the most for... I just keep hoping that a second chance will arise... I really don't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
morphius Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 Clouseau, I feel for you dude, I am going through a similar scenario. My Ex told me that even if a fairy waived her wand and made me perfect it still wouldnt be good enough. She was also my best friend. Man she's told you that she wants a different life and hasn't hung about finding another guy. It's hard in our situation because we feel/know that we have caused it by "changing", it hurts because all said and done we did it to ourselves! Be strong, you are learning to play the guitar, getting out more, exercising...keep it up, it does make you feel better. As for her saying "never say never" You can't hang around just "in case" she changes her mind, that just aint fair on you. If your paths cross later on in life then so be it but for now you have to let her go. IMO you have to go all out with the old NC, I mean can you really handle being friends with her and seeing her with Hickies/other guys? At least if you impliment NC you are giving yourself a chance to heal and yes it hurts and yes it's difficult but it's better than opening up old wounds everytime you speak/see each other. I dont think being "friends" works early on in a break up, maybe further on when you have both moved forward you can be! Morph Link to post Share on other sites
Author Clouseau Posted July 14, 2006 Author Share Posted July 14, 2006 Thanks Morphius, Its good to talk about it - ta for listening. I know that time will heal but I just hate it in the mornings when I wake up and the pain hits me. It subsided last week but when I found out she was with another it just hit me again like a big tidal wave. I know it will pass - its just soo difficult. Cheers. Link to post Share on other sites
morphius Posted July 14, 2006 Share Posted July 14, 2006 Clouseau, I kow what you mean about the mornings, I find the nights pretty much the same, trying to sleep. You need to make sure you have a packed diary, so you can set your alarm and actualy have something to get up for. If your rushing round getting ready to go to work or whatever then you have less time to think about her!! Remember as well that with every daybreak you get stronger and it hurts a little less, not much but it does. Stay strong. Morph Link to post Share on other sites
Brittanyjean06 Posted July 14, 2006 Share Posted July 14, 2006 I'm sorry that your going through this! It hurts deeply and those mornings are the worst. I reamber a year ago when all the devastating events took place in my life waking up felt like a nightmare it hurt so much like this sicky icky feeling and since I had had dreams of him those whole week My world felt hazy. It's been a year and today I woke up and I thought of him but I just got out of bed and thought about something else So time will help the pain subside! Maybe in a year you will be 100% healed considering it takes different times for different people! I know what those mornings feel like I can totally relate to that, and so can everyone else here. It was like reality hit you can and the instant your eyes open was the instant punch to the heart. Nc is the best bet for you and the previous advice! This girl is disengaging her self from you and detatching and It's easier for her than you. So what if you change, people change and if she loved you truely loved you she could love you enough with that change. She keeps talking to you to see how your doing well give her the cold shoulder, you don't need to know how she is doing you don't need to know who she is sleeping with or anything because your hurt and shes not. Please don't chat up with her.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Clouseau Posted July 25, 2006 Author Share Posted July 25, 2006 Thanks for your advice Brit. Much appreciated. She MSN'd me on Friday - asking how I was etc. I was almost going to give her 1 word answers to her questions or even not respond - but I couldn't. There was never infedelity in our relationship, It was me, I was just neglectful cos I was depressed. We chatted for a bit swopping our news. I can't deny it felt good for her to contact me - it seemed genuine. To be honest I can't see her losing all her feelings for me after a 6 year relationship. At the moment im pressing on with life trying to keep as busy work wise and socially as possible (Going out with friends, Cinema, exercising etc) The pain is still there from time to time - but it is lessening. In my heart there is a small hope that maybe in time things can be reconsiled - but I'm not staking my life on it, and it won't stop me from looking for other potential partners. I will continue with NC (after a fashion - as it's NC until she contacts me...) C. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 25, 2006 Share Posted July 25, 2006 Are you my fiance? I'm about to go through the same thing. My fiance and I have been together over 6 years and we are supposed to get married in 7 months. All he does is play video games. I have started to go out and I have met other people. I love him dearly, but I am not in love with him anymore. i just have to tell him. your situation sounds similar. I say give up on her and move on. If she comes around and you are available then great! If not, it was not meant to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Clouseau Posted July 25, 2006 Author Share Posted July 25, 2006 My god - that is uncanny - a very similar situation... We were together for 6 years non-stop, I always felt that if we both had a 'breather' or she just went away for a few days it perhaps would have both cleared our heads... I had the comp games problem too. The irony is now I rarely touch them. I won't deny that this, along with me getting out and socialising and exersizing more is a positive outcome. I have changed for the better, and as I go through this self improvement I just hope I'll get a second chance - but like you and most others say - 'If its meant to be - then it will be'... Because of that I just have to live my life for me - and anything else that comes my way will be a bonus. Sometimes though I just wish I had a time machine and travelled back and slapped my old self into seeing what a mess of self destruction I was... Link to post Share on other sites
Clone56 Posted July 29, 2006 Share Posted July 29, 2006 Same bro, dated a girl for 6 years. Got all depressed about my job and did nothing but play video games. She dumped me and now is dating my best friend. It sucks and is the worst thing. Good luck to you and stop talking to her. The only way she would return is if you stop talking to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Clouseau Posted July 30, 2006 Author Share Posted July 30, 2006 I think it was just a difficult period in my life - things have improved now. I thought my circumstances were rare - but apparently not by the sounds of things, which in a small way is comforting. I've improved since all this has happened, but I've still got a way to go yet. Ironically the computer games went cold turkey when she left. She still MSN's me now and again and I haven't managed to ignore it yet. I'm not even sure if it's the best course of action. The main thing is I'm keeping busy and being more socially active... Link to post Share on other sites
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