To end it or not?

[Guest]

Hi, I have stumbled on this site while googling info on relationships. i'll try to keep this as short as possible, but i am really confused and would value some perspective and unbiased advice.

 

My partner and I have been together six years. we have two young children and have recently relocated to be nearer his family and in order to be able to afford a bigger house.

 

I have a long history of mental health problems, and after both children were born i suffered with post natal dperession. last year it got so bad that i was hospitalised for 2 weeks. i also have something called Borderline Personality Disorder, for which i am awaiting therapy.

 

My partner is basically a good guy. However soon after i fell pergnant with the first baby he started bullying me verbally, picking holes, criticising me and putting me down. this was finally addressed by going to marriage guidance and he made a big effort to change.

 

after the second child was born, and while i was again in the middle of a bad bout of depression, the verbal bullying started again. then, after i had come out of hospital and was getting back to normal(ish) i discovered he had been having an affair with a friend of mine.

 

i threw him out, but 2 weeks later we talked and agreed to try again, he was ful of remorse. once again we went to marriage guidance to address our issues. i agreed to address my failings and so did he.

 

by early this year he decided we didnt need any more counselling and refused to go back. i felt we still had things to discuss so i went alone a couple of times.

 

we are at a stage now where I cannot please him. he feels he needs to improve me or make me better in order to help my depression (getting me to take up exercise, reducing alcohol consumption, etc) niw while i agree these are all positive steps, i resent being told that i am not good enough as i am - that i should make the best of myself for all of us.

 

he says he is only doing this to help me, and i believe he means it. but i have been through an awful lot and it is very hard to get out odf this depression. i know its awful to live with a depressive, and i cant blame him for wanting bme to get better, but i cant heklpo thinking that being accepted as i am would have done an awful lot for my depression in the first place.

 

we are currently s;leeping in separate rooms until we decide what to do. part of me is so very loath to split up the family and wreck our dream, but he has said such cruel things that some of them i cannot forgive, and i am wondering why i am bothering.

 

he says i am impossible to live with and i overreact to his comments/criticism, which is true. i say he shoudl leanr to say things more tactfully. he says if i am the one with the personality disorder why should it be him that has to change?

 

he hateds me being muddly and just muddling through and not being organised and just doing 'enough' rather than trying harder. i think its ok to be like i am and dont see why i should change.

 

i dont know if any of this makes sense, bt if you have any advice i wouod be ever so grateful. scuse typos i am rushing to get kids tea done!

[josie54]

I noticed that no one had responded to your post yet, probably because of the complexity of the situation you describe. It's beyond most of us.

 

However, I know how difficult it is to reach out for help and have no one respond! I wanted to at least say that I read your post and feel for you. You say you are "awaiting therapy" ... for how long? This is a situation you truly need to discuss with a qualified therapist before you decide on a path.

 

Your husband sounds as if he is acting out of frustration. You say you know how difficult it must be to live with a depressive, but then you say that your husband should love you as you are. However, depression IS hard to love. Your husband may find it impossible to navigate your moods and lashes out from pure frustration and uncertainty. On top of that. many men find it difficult to go to counseling and share their feelings with a third party--he may have stopped simply because he didn't feel comfortable with the situation. That may not excuse his not trying a bit harder in counseling, but it does make it understandable.

 

My only advice is for you to understand the situation from your husband's point of view. Try to see how difficult it is to see you in this situation. I'm not sure what cruel things he has said to you. Categorize them... Did he purposely demean and verbally abuse you? Does he act as if he does not value you? Does he criticize you in front of your children or his extended family? Those kinds of comments mean that you may not be in a salvagable relationship.

 

Or, does he lash out in frustration, does he yell at you because he doesn't understand why you act the way you do, why you don't respond to him the way he'd hope for? Does he simply yell at you as a way to try to get you to change, or "snap out of it"? That's a different story. If he is simply not saying things "tactfully," as you say, he may simply just not know how to communicate to you exactly what he is feeling. In this case, he's trying to deal with the disease and you and his own frustration. That would be tough on anyone.

 

In the end, you need to pursue treatment of your illness with all of your energy. You need to find yourself worth it to speak to the right people and find the right tools to make yourself the best you can be, for yourself and for your kids. Once you've healed yourself, you may find that these problems with your husband are also healed. If not, then you can at least make life-altering decisions regarding your relationship with a clear mind, rather than one clouded by a mental illness.

 

I hope this helps just a little bit. However, I do hope that you seek out help to treat your mental illness and ask a professional the same questions you posted to this forum. I think that would give you a more reliable set of answers.

 

Best wishes to you....