My Story/Posted on another board originally

[justice]

I found out about my h's affair on May 30th, 2005 and since then nothing has ever been the same as it was before that. It is a loss that I feel so deeply still yet today. Do I blame my H? Yes. Do I blame the OW? YES!! But mostly I blame myself. For not seeing it, for maybe not looking as good as I could have but mainly because maybe I should've given him more attention. At the very least I blame myself for being so stupidly blind. H works in a town about 40 miles from our home. We have no kids. He met OW in a convience store in between where he works and we live. She is younger than me. I was 44 last year. My H is 33. OW is now 30. So you can imagine what this did to me emotionally as far as the age is concerned, but that is the least of the insecurity I felt. I found out when I realized that he was hiding his cell phone at night. Before I never really thought much about it, until I noticed that he was hiding it. So one night, I crept up after he was asleep and snagged the cell phone. I read all of the text messages he had saved. You can imagine this happend at around midnight and I was devastated because some of the content of those texts was painfully incriminating, I didn't go to bed the rest of the night. She was describing what their sexual acts did for her in some of those texts. YEAH. I called the number the texts were sent from, from his cell phone. I got voice mail and I asked her who the f*** she was and what the hell she was doing with my husband. Not but a few moments later a text came in (stupid of her) OMG< OS! I was so angry I was shaking. I went back into the bedroom where h lay peacefully sleeping and I turned on the top light and I ripped the blankets off of his body and I threw the cell phone as hard as I could at him, it hit him in a very vunerable place and he hurt down there for days afterward. I got his ass up and I confronted him, he tried to deny it. It did no good. I KNEW then. To clarify, his mom provides us with the cell phones because we get a better rate so I never got the bills. That meant that not only did I not have a clue about what was going on but that my MIL and that whole side did and were covering for my H. I truly was the last one to know. You can imagine how angry and bitter this made me. In the next few weeks and months, I went through rage so dark and deep that it actually hurt me, I then went through depression and hopelessness. I also called the OW until she had no choice but to talk to me. I asked her as one woman to another to meet me in a public place so we could rationally discuss the situation. She refused. In all this time, the H went from still trying to deny everything, to being outright assholish. He was primping and buying new clothes and keeping his before dirty vehicle spotlessly clean. And he took to leaving the cell phone inside his truck locked where I couldn't get to it. His mom would not show me the cell bills at all when I asked her. I resolved to get them somehow. I wanted the whole truth. H said he wasn't seeing OW anymore but my gut told me he was. So I did something underhanded. I went to the cell phone provider site and signed up as the account holder. I had managed to get the account number and my MIL is computer illiterate so she didn't have an online account set up. It was so easy. There before me on the monitor was all the proof I needed. Every cell call to and from the ow and my h right there. I confronted him again, he denied it and I threw copies of the online bill with all the evidence in his face. He stalked out and didn't come home for several hours. While he was gone I put the time to good use, I dug for information on the OW, and found out where she lived and that she was married. I found this out through the cross reference on her home number in the phone book. Her and her husband's name right there. When H got home he was again confronted. I told him that I knew and wouldn't it be funny if OW's husband knew as well, he turned puke green. A few days later H had a complete turn around when he got home from work I was packing and had been all day. I told him that I was better than the way he was treating me and that he destroyed everything I felt for him. And that's how I felt. He begged me not to leave and I asked him if he meant it and if he was willing to earn my love and more importantly my trust back. He said yes. I handed him the phone and told him to call her and tell her it was over, no more calls no more contact. He did. You could hear her screaming over the phone. Then I grabbed up the cell phones and told him they were being returned to his mother and that we were getting our own with our own account that came to US. We walked across the drive and gave them back to his mom. She was livid and verbally began abusing me saying that her son deserved better than me. H told her to shut up because I knew everything. It did destroy and break apart a whole family, his side of the family and me have not spoken ever since. That night the ow broke out the window of my RS 25th anniversary edition Camaro!! My most prized possession. Since that day, she has stalked me, stalked my H and made my life miserable. We have had to change our number and we are getting ready to move. I have filed the RO on her. And I've made up my mind that her H has a right to know what his wife is doing, so I'm taking everything I have and I'm going to show him just what has been going on behind his back for so long. Yes, I admit that part of it is wanting revenge. But most of it is because I feel like he has the right to know just as I did. In the present, I still have issues with trust. I still get shakey and unsure when he is at work and is late. We have our own cells now. And I check that bill down to the last number every month. But he is trying. And I can see that he does regret what they did. And he did get his own RO against her too because she nearly cost him his job. Me, still yet, there are issues. I still hurt, I still feel betrayed. And I still don't trust. We have a counceling session appointment. How many of you still check out things to make sure nothing is going on? Do you ever get to the point of not checking anymore? I don't like feeling like this. Oh and I made H go and get checked out before I even considered moving him back into my bedroom. And when does the anger stop? I'm sorry this is so long, but thats what happened.

[jonesgirly]

You will check until you feel you don't need to, period. You're verifying trust now, and it takes a long time to be satisfied.

 

You are wise to inform the OW's husband. He should know, and maybe it would stop some of the stalking?

 

The anger? Oh, honey, its has a very long shelf-life. Besides, you had your in-laws "in" on it - how disrespectful of you.

 

Your husband created this chaotic mess, you have every right to be angry - especially since you are still living with the consequences. I'm happy that you feel your husband is doing what he needs to do. That, in the long run, will make the anger you feel subside.

 

Good luck.

[lawrence angel]

I am sorry for your horrible mess. I totally agree with jonesgirly on this one. She is right on. The only good thing I can see from having this affair was that he picked a psycho and he has to live with the embarrassment. You would think that this would be a big deterent for him to have future affairs. You should be glad she wasn't someone more intimidating to your relationship. Be strong and take care of yourself.

[RecoverMe]

I read that you blamed yourself as well for not paying attentions, etc. I did the same thing and I think it's normal, but I don't think you should blame yourself. He made the wrong choice and I think he needs to own that bad decision. I don't think you own any of that part. I read your whole story and also felt I knew every line by heart. the cell phone and the text messages. my h was sneaky enough to delete all the text messages, and I had asked him what they all said, and when I read your story it made me sick to think of what they could or might have said. I also did the online cell phone account thing, those records tell a big part of the story. I still check, but of course I ask myself if this is how I want to live, always checking the phone records, wondering, being angry.....is this the price we pay to love????? there is so much anguish attached to the decisions we must make. my H seems to be trying really hard to win my trust back, for which I am grateful. My feelings for him have changed b/c of all this, and I constantly go back and forth. It helps to get some sort of therapy. can you go for massages? I went and saw an "intuitive consultant" (a really good psychic) and that is helping me. Do you have some girlfriends to talk to about it? my close friends got me through the darkest and craziest parts (the discovery and the immediate aftermath).

 

your mother in law sounds like a huge part of the problem, and possibly her relationship with your husband has lasting effects on the way he relates to women. I think marriage counseling will help you alot, make sure you shop around for one you are both comfortable with, you have to find the right one to do get any real work done. Stay strong and know you are not alone, and that you are worthy of the uttermost respect and dignity from this moment and for the rest of your life. value yourself and put yourself on the highest pedestal. If your h is willing to really work to regain your trust and love, he will climb the highest mountain for you.

 

stay sane and best of luck!

[silktricks]

I posted in the other forum, but want to tell you again how much I feel for you.

 

Take care of yourself. We'll be here for you whenever you need to "talk".